When vanilla friends become a little too nosy…

Vanilla women

How many times have your vanilla friends (for those of you who still have them) wanted to know where you were going and with whom?  It seems whenever you tell vanilla friends you have other plans, they become curious.  Especially if it happens on a regular basis. 

When we first started making excuses for being unavailable to our vanilla friends, my husband and I would joke how ‘mom’ called.  It wasn’t either of our moms, it was a nosy vanilla friend.  Each conversation with her started with her asking what we did the previous weekend and with whom.

 Prior to entering the lifestyle we would make plans with friends on a regular basis, sometimes weeks in advance.  Saturday was usually spent at dinner or a movie.  

When we discovered strip clubs, we became less available or started ending nights out with friends earlier than in the past.  It was easy because strip clubs were better later at night.  When we discovered a swing club not far away, we became more and more unavailable over a short period of time.  

Our goal each week, was to keep Saturday night free so we could go to the club.  We even had a code name for the club so that nobody would know what we were talking about if they overheard our conversations.  Were we being paranoid?  I don’t think so, people really wanted answers! 

Over time, as we tried to force our vanilla friends to see us on Fridays. Not long after, we would only make ourselves available to them during the week.  At this point, some of our friends became suspicious.  We turned down invitations to just about every vanilla event we were invited to.  We had discovered swinging and that was all we wanted to do.  

As we made friends in the lifestyle, this group became our social life.  Sometimes we would meet at a restaurant before heading to the club.  This is when we discovered how difficult it was to have any privacy.  That’s right, going out to dinner with lifestyle friends became fodder for anyone who saw us.  It seemed not to matter how remote a restaurant we chose.  As luck would have it, we always seemed to run into someone we knew. 

Soon “mom” was back on the phone wanting to know who our new friends were.  The first time I got the call I was taken aback.  I tried to imagine how this was any of her business.  Since she had not actually seen us, I knew someone had told her. Then I tried to imagine why people were talking about us.  We do not live in a small town per se, but many people know each other.  Same schools, same churches,  temples, same after school activities, etc.  

So what made our lives suddenly so interesting that people were talking about us?  “Mom” casually mentioned that we seemed to be avoiding our old group of friends.  I pointed out that the previous week we had met them for dinner.  How could we be avoiding them if we saw them a few days ago?

It seems that making new friends, especially people that are from another town or city, raises eyebrows.  Suddenly “mom” was asking how we met them.  Don’t think  “mom” was the only person asking, she was simply the only one brave or nosy enough to confront me.

It made us wonder how much people really deserved to know.  Do we actually owe it to others to explain our whereabouts or our new friends?  Is it normal for “friends” to demand to know why you are not free to spend more time with them?

My husband and I had even considered telling one couple that was part of that group of friends about the lifestyle.  We thought they might be open to the whole idea of swinging.  After much thought, we decided against it.  If they were not open to it, we would be exposing ourselves and did not want to risk that.

The lifestyle resulted in our decision to completely remove ourselves from this former group of friends.  We soon realized that these people are very judgmental and if they were to discover the truth, we would no longer be friends.  Knowing this, we chose to drift away.

The question remained for us:  Why is it anyone’s business how we spend our free time?  Why must swingers always make up excuses so that they can do what they want?  Lying and making up stories and excuses is exhausting.  We are adults and should be free to live our lives without judgment.

For all of the nosy people out there:  stop worrying about what others are doing and with whom they are doing it.  We are forced to lie and sneak around to avoid judgment from people like you.  Don’t you have anything better to do?

The sad part is, many people in the lifestyle end up having to choose between the lifestyle and maintaining vanilla friendships.  Perhaps most people choose lifestyle friends simply because we have more in common with each other.  They also don’t judge or wonder what we are doing when we are busy with something else.

Bottom line, swingers do not owe anyone an explanation about how they spend their free time.  Where we go nights, weekends and on vacation is nobody’s business.  We have discovered a wonderful, carefree life in the lifestyle and have no plans to change this any time soon.  So butt out…

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