A couple reveals that they have been exposed.

Lifestyle couple wearing siwinger jewelry

Well, it finally happened.  We were outed about being in the lifestyle.  

That’s right, after 8 years of sneaking around trying to be discreet, our secret is out.  Although we thought we did everything right, apparently someone figured out that we are swingers, and spilled the beans.  

Are you sure people know you are swingers?

Yes, someone confronted us and told us they knew.  Word gets around quickly when the gossip is this juicy.  We live in a rather densely populated city yet it is a small community.   An everyone knows everyone’s kind of place.

Why do you say, “It finally happened?”  

I think most people in the lifestyle are afraid that one day people will find out.  Obviously this is not something we wanted, but now we have to deal with the repercussions.  

Who told you?

When we were confronted with the news, it was over drinks at a friend’s home.  We were surprised when they invited us to their home, as we normally go out for drinks.   These are people who we see at least once a week for drinks, dinner or, brunch.  They had become suspicious of us when we became too busy to meet them on weekends.  We were scheduling time with them primarily during the week and they found that odd.  

Although they did not try to investigate, when they heard the rumors they immediately believed it was a possibility.  Seeing the photos from our online dating site sealed the deal.   

Do you mean the photos are not secure?

We assume the couple who discovered us was also on the site and saw our photos.  I guess they took screenshots and showed them to other people.  It is so disappointing that anyone would do that, but they did.  Clearly these are people who do not like us.

How did you react to the news?

When we were confronted, we were in shock.  At first, we tried to deny it but it was clear that people had seen the photos.  Our friends wanted to know why we would do this.  When the shock wore off, I asked them what that meant.  Why would we do what?  Explore a lifestyle that seemed of interest to us both?  Spend nights and weekends at parties enjoying new friends?  Opening up our minds to something different?  Trying something new together?

How did your friends react to your explanation?

The man was curious and asked a lot of questions while his wife was disgusted and angry.  She implied that it was my (the man’s) way of cheating on my wife.  Although my wife explained that we were doing this as a couple and decided together, our female friend was not buying it.  Of course, the photos did not help our case.  The majority were taken of my wife; some with other women and all in erotic poses.  

What is your take on your friends’ reactions?

My wife believes the woman felt threatened.  That somehow my wife feeling ok about exploring her sexuality and sexual prowess with me made her husband envious.  The husband seemed to find the whole thing interesting and enticing.  He was clearly looking at my wife with renewed interest.  He seemed to see her in a new light and his wife did not appreciate that.

How do you see your friendship with this couple in the future?

I can see the man reaching out to me on his own but as couples, we won’t see them again.  The woman is clearly not comfortable with what we are doing and prefers to cut ties with us.  Somehow I think she believes either others will find her guilty by association or is afraid of her husband will show interest in joining us.  

What about the rest of the people who now know that you are in the lifestyle?

I think had this happened a few years ago when we were new to the lifestyle we would have been much more upset.  Over the years we have made many friends who have become almost like family to us.  We have also grown to accept who we are and the fact that others might not understand our lifestyle choices.  Honestly, it is ok.  Although we had not planned to tell our families, we decided it was time.  No one seemed terribly surprised.  Thankfully our children are grown with families of their own. 

What is your takeaway from what has happened?

I am in no way surprised to find people judging us for what we do.  Most people in the lifestyle realize that vanilla people don’t accept swingers and do not want to be associated with them.  We will continue to hold our heads high and see what the future holds.  As an independent contractor, it is a possibility that it will impact my business.  For my wife, it is also a possibility that she could end up losing her job if they discover the truth.  It makes us both sad to see how afraid people are of what they don’t understand.  Worst case scenario?  We relocate and start fresh.

Thank you so much for your time and we wish you all the best in the future.  We are also sorry that you have to experience this.  

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How this NY couple discovered their friends are swingers too!

Swinger symbol jewelry necklace

Dear Partners ID,

We often read your blogs and always enjoy the stories about how other swingers have met each other because of your jewelry.  I have to admit, we were not even in the lifestyle when we first came across your website.  We found it because we were researching swinging to decide if seemed like a good fit for us.  

One of your blogs popped up when we first began our search and we liked Penny’s tongue in cheek style of writing.  We have been reading them ever since.

My wife and I are in our mid-fifties and have been married for a little over 20 years.  We have one son who no longer lives at home so we are now essentially empty nesters.  Sex has always been an important part of our relationship, so it was natural for us to look for something erotic that we could do as a couple.  

When we investigated swinging, we were totally shocked to read so many forums debating what age is too old to swing.  I, for one, imagined swinging was something for older couples who had been married for many years.  Baby boomers came to mind when I thought of swingers.  After all, isn’t swinging something couples do to spice up their marriage?  

Clearly, I was wrong.  Swingers seem to range in age from 20s through 60s (and even 70s).  Wow!  So we had to hit the reset button and try to open our minds to what swinging actually encompasses.  

We began checking out some swinger dating sites and looked to see if there were any swing clubs within a reasonable distance to our home.  All the while, my wife and I couldn’t help but wonder if we weren’t actually already friends with swingers.  Would we know?  

Next, we bought a necklace for each of us and wore them every time we went out.  

Well, it didn’t take long!  The second weekend after receiving the jewelry, we wore our necklaces to a friend’s housewarming party.  A couple we have known for at least 5 or 6 years approached us not long after we arrived.  They kissed us hello and the woman turned to her husband and said, “I knew it!”

She moved close to my wife and fondled the pendant which was hanging from her necklace.   We both looked at them, hoping we understood what was happening.  

What we discovered was that we do have friends in the lifestyle!  The funny thing is that they suspected we were swingers long before we had ever thought about it.  

The best part about this, is that we have friends who are now helping us to navigate the lifestyle!

Thank you for the lovely jewelry, we will keep you up to date on our new adventures!

Stay well,

Julie and Mark

Great Neck, NY

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The lifestyle is not a cult, we do not recruit people. Is this what our vanilla friends are afraid of?

Friend backing up

Most people who are in the lifestyle go to great lengths to keep it a secret.  They do not want to reveal this to family, friends or coworkers. People in the lifestyle would agree that the majority of people in their lives would not understand. 

This is not hard to believe as people can be very judgmental, especially about things that they do not understand.  What I cannot wrap my head around are the stories about the way “friends” react if they are told.

I have heard many stories about people who told a close friend and the friend turned their back.  Some prior friends go as far as to spread the word to others, while some simply ostracize the individual or couple who divulge their secret. 

The first thing that comes to mind is the fact that these people clearly thought these were close, trustworthy friends.  Nobody goes around mentioning this kind of private detail about their life to mere acquaintances. 

It makes me think about my friends; what could they tell me about themselves that would make me turn my back on them?  That they murdered someone?  That they destroyed someone’s life?  Stole someone’s money?  Hurt someone’s children?  Whatever it might be, it would have to be something really horrific.  

How many times have people revealed to a friend that they were having an affair?  I don’t recall hearing that their friends deserted them when they were told.  Why then is it acceptable to reject a friend for a lifestyle choice that he or she has made?  

The lifestyle is not a cult, we do not recruit people.  Is that what people are afraid of?  That we will try to convert them? Do people imagine that swingers have no self -control and they will hit on everyone they know?  That our friends are no longer safe around us because we cannot control our desire for sex?

Honestly, when you think about it, it makes no sense.  Why have we evolved so much in every other arena when it comes to accepting human sexuality, except for swingers?  People applaud transgender people for opening up and doing what is right for them.  The gay and lesbian community is stronger than ever and they no longer feel the need to hide.  Heck, NY has a list of 33 acceptable genders and people are not ok with swingers?  

I once asked a friend (yes, she knows we are in the lifestyle and she is still my friend.  She is also a psychologist) if she has any idea as to what it is that makes people so afraid.  I say afraid because I honestly have no other explanation for the way people react to swingers.  

She believes that most people are so insecure about their own lives and relationships that the thought of opening themselves up to others was too much to think about.  Her belief is that it is probably more often a female friend who turns their back while men might become curious.  All of the sudden, a close female friend is sexualizing herself and an insecure woman might  see this as a threat to her own relationship.  The fear is that if  her husband or boyfriend knows, he will find this friend suddenly more appealing.  

Whether or not this is always the case, it makes some sense.  Whatever the reason might be, it is rare that friends who are not in the lifestyle will remain in your life if they discover.  Not today anyway, but hopefully in the future people will gain an understanding and an acceptance.  It really is time.

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