A couple reveals that they have been exposed.

Lifestyle couple wearing siwinger jewelry

Well, it finally happened.  We were outed about being in the lifestyle.  

That’s right, after 8 years of sneaking around trying to be discreet, our secret is out.  Although we thought we did everything right, apparently someone figured out that we are swingers, and spilled the beans.  

Are you sure people know you are swingers?

Yes, someone confronted us and told us they knew.  Word gets around quickly when the gossip is this juicy.  We live in a rather densely populated city yet it is a small community.   An everyone knows everyone’s kind of place.

Why do you say, “It finally happened?”  

I think most people in the lifestyle are afraid that one day people will find out.  Obviously this is not something we wanted, but now we have to deal with the repercussions.  

Who told you?

When we were confronted with the news, it was over drinks at a friend’s home.  We were surprised when they invited us to their home, as we normally go out for drinks.   These are people who we see at least once a week for drinks, dinner or, brunch.  They had become suspicious of us when we became too busy to meet them on weekends.  We were scheduling time with them primarily during the week and they found that odd.  

Although they did not try to investigate, when they heard the rumors they immediately believed it was a possibility.  Seeing the photos from our online dating site sealed the deal.   

Do you mean the photos are not secure?

We assume the couple who discovered us was also on the site and saw our photos.  I guess they took screenshots and showed them to other people.  It is so disappointing that anyone would do that, but they did.  Clearly these are people who do not like us.

How did you react to the news?

When we were confronted, we were in shock.  At first, we tried to deny it but it was clear that people had seen the photos.  Our friends wanted to know why we would do this.  When the shock wore off, I asked them what that meant.  Why would we do what?  Explore a lifestyle that seemed of interest to us both?  Spend nights and weekends at parties enjoying new friends?  Opening up our minds to something different?  Trying something new together?

How did your friends react to your explanation?

The man was curious and asked a lot of questions while his wife was disgusted and angry.  She implied that it was my (the man’s) way of cheating on my wife.  Although my wife explained that we were doing this as a couple and decided together, our female friend was not buying it.  Of course, the photos did not help our case.  The majority were taken of my wife; some with other women and all in erotic poses.  

What is your take on your friends’ reactions?

My wife believes the woman felt threatened.  That somehow my wife feeling ok about exploring her sexuality and sexual prowess with me made her husband envious.  The husband seemed to find the whole thing interesting and enticing.  He was clearly looking at my wife with renewed interest.  He seemed to see her in a new light and his wife did not appreciate that.

How do you see your friendship with this couple in the future?

I can see the man reaching out to me on his own but as couples, we won’t see them again.  The woman is clearly not comfortable with what we are doing and prefers to cut ties with us.  Somehow I think she believes either others will find her guilty by association or is afraid of her husband will show interest in joining us.  

What about the rest of the people who now know that you are in the lifestyle?

I think had this happened a few years ago when we were new to the lifestyle we would have been much more upset.  Over the years we have made many friends who have become almost like family to us.  We have also grown to accept who we are and the fact that others might not understand our lifestyle choices.  Honestly, it is ok.  Although we had not planned to tell our families, we decided it was time.  No one seemed terribly surprised.  Thankfully our children are grown with families of their own. 

What is your takeaway from what has happened?

I am in no way surprised to find people judging us for what we do.  Most people in the lifestyle realize that vanilla people don’t accept swingers and do not want to be associated with them.  We will continue to hold our heads high and see what the future holds.  As an independent contractor, it is a possibility that it will impact my business.  For my wife, it is also a possibility that she could end up losing her job if they discover the truth.  It makes us both sad to see how afraid people are of what they don’t understand.  Worst case scenario?  We relocate and start fresh.

Thank you so much for your time and we wish you all the best in the future.  We are also sorry that you have to experience this.  

Looking to find others in the lifestyle?  Wearing our swinger symbol jewelry can help with that! Shop here:

https://www.swingersjewelry.net/jewelry-for-swingers/

Why is it a secret that you are in the lifestyle? https://www.swingersjewelry.net/secret-lifestyle/

Vanilla couples; are they secretly wishing to explore the lifestyle?

Vanilla couple trying on Partners ID jewelry
Vanilla couple trying on Partners ID jewelry
 What separates vanilla folks from those in the lifestyle?  (For those who do not know the term, someone who is vanilla, is someone who is not in the lifestyle.) Is it that they are having such mind blowing sex with their spouse or significant other that they never even think about being with someone else? That seems highly unlikely.  It seems impossible to believe that every adult does not at some time fantasize about having sex with someone else. It is normal and it is human.  It does not mean that they will act on it, it strictly means they have thought about what it would be like.
Sex is a big part of adult life and although some people like to disagree, all we need to do is to consider the billion dollar porn industry.  If nobody is that interested in sex, who on earth is watching all of that porn?  How many marriages fall apart because one person wants sex and the other has lost interest?  One person has a choice at that point:  cheat or leave.
One thing that I really appreciate about swingers is that they are honest about sex.  They like sex, they want sex and they think it is normal to talk about sex.  They have learned to make the difference between sex and love.   They have learned how to channel their desire for sex and their desire for excitement, while staying in their committed relationship.  It’s a win – win.
We talk about the fact that swing clubs are trending and based on the number of vanilla couples visiting swing clubs, they are trending for sure.  What about the couples who have not explored the lifestyle?  What makes some couples take the plunge and others not?
Having been in the lifestyle for over ten years, we are at the point where most of our weekends are spent either at private parties or swing clubs.  We did have an obligatory dinner this past weekend with some vanilla friends and it was very interesting.  I noticed that after a few drinks there was a lot of flirting between the couples.  At one point (we were at someone’s home) a song came on and two of the women got up and danced together.  They were not provocative, but the men ran for their phones and were cheering them on.  My husband and I just sat and watched.  Obviously for us, this is nothing new, except that there was no touching and they were wearing clothing.  It occurred to me throughout the night that our vanilla friends had some sexual tension between them, but they kept it in check.  There is no way that they are acting on it but I couldn’t help but wonder if they don’t think about it at night when they go their separate ways.  They know we are in the lifestyle but never ask us about it so we do not offer any information.
Is it possible for some couples to be satisfied with these type of interactions and never consider acting on them?  I realize it must be, as most people are not swingers and would never consider this lifestyle.  Are these the type of couples that go on to have affairs?  Do they spend their lives secretly wishing they could be with someone else?  Perhaps for them it is too risky.
Perhaps this is what lifestyle couples have in common; they are risk takers.  There are always going to be exceptions to every rule, but in this case, it seems very possible that this is a common trait amongst many swingers.  Think about the people you know in the lifestyle.  Most of them are a little bit more daring than others you know.  When I consider the jobs swingers have, although they obviously cover a huge spectrum, there are some similarities.  We have met many doctors, lawyers, stock brokers, ex cops, veterans, firefighters, paramedics, etc.  What do all of their jobs have in common?  They are risky; they can never predict the outcome of what they do.  They are not like accountants or engineers or architects where things are mapped out so there is never room for a questionable outcome.  Interestingly enough, we rarely encounter accountants, architects or engineers in the lifestyle.
If couples are afraid of risk, the lifestyle is the last place you will find them.  Everyone who swings realizes that when you enter the lifestyle you lose a little control over your relationship.  You have to have a tremendous amount of faith in both yourself and your partner to be able to partake.  Imagine the man who thinks he wants to play with other women only until he sees his wife enjoy having sex with another man.  He took a risk.  He came into the lifestyle and allowed his wife to play with someone else.  For some people, they have enough confidence to believe their wife (or husband) will enjoy the moment and want only to be back with them.  Others will not have that confidence, so the risk is too high.  It is the same for women; sure my husband seems satisfied with  me now, but he might meet a prettier, slimmer woman with a better body.  What if she’s better in bed than I am?  How will things ever be the same with my husband again?  When you think about it this way, swinging can seem like a risk many couples would rather not take.
It is easy to understand vanilla couples acting as though they are perfectly happy with their marriage just as it is, and wanting us to imagine that their sex lives are perfect.  If they were to open up and say they are curious, or have thought about having sex with someone else, they might get invited into the lifestyle and they are not ready for that risk.  It would seem impossible to believe that if vanilla couples were truly honest with themselves that they could say they have never thought about having sex with someone else.  I guess the difference between couples who take the lifestyle plunge and those who don’t, is that swingers are more open and honest with their partners.  It can be very risky to even ask your partner if they will try the lifestyle, but for those of us who did, the rewards have been huge.