What separates vanilla folks from those in the lifestyle? (For those who do not know the term, someone who is vanilla, is someone who is not in the lifestyle.) Is it that they are having such mind blowing sex with their spouse or significant other that they never even think about being with someone else? That seems highly unlikely. It seems impossible to believe that every adult does not at some time fantasize about having sex with someone else. It is normal and it is human. It does not mean that they will act on it, it strictly means they have thought about what it would be like.
Sex is a big part of adult life and although some people like to disagree, all we need to do is to consider the billion dollar porn industry. If nobody is that interested in sex, who on earth is watching all of that porn? How many marriages fall apart because one person wants sex and the other has lost interest? One person has a choice at that point: cheat or leave.
One thing that I really appreciate about swingers is that they are honest about sex. They like sex, they want sex and they think it is normal to talk about sex. They have learned to make the difference between sex and love. They have learned how to channel their desire for sex and their desire for excitement, while staying in their committed relationship. It’s a win – win.
We talk about the fact that swing clubs are trending and based on the number of vanilla couples visiting swing clubs, they are trending for sure. What about the couples who have not explored the lifestyle? What makes some couples take the plunge and others not?
Having been in the lifestyle for over ten years, we are at the point where most of our weekends are spent either at private parties or swing clubs. We did have an obligatory dinner this past weekend with some vanilla friends and it was very interesting. I noticed that after a few drinks there was a lot of flirting between the couples. At one point (we were at someone’s home) a song came on and two of the women got up and danced together. They were not provocative, but the men ran for their phones and were cheering them on. My husband and I just sat and watched. Obviously for us, this is nothing new, except that there was no touching and they were wearing clothing. It occurred to me throughout the night that our vanilla friends had some sexual tension between them, but they kept it in check. There is no way that they are acting on it but I couldn’t help but wonder if they don’t think about it at night when they go their separate ways. They know we are in the lifestyle but never ask us about it so we do not offer any information.
Is it possible for some couples to be satisfied with these type of interactions and never consider acting on them? I realize it must be, as most people are not swingers and would never consider this lifestyle. Are these the type of couples that go on to have affairs? Do they spend their lives secretly wishing they could be with someone else? Perhaps for them it is too risky.
Perhaps this is what lifestyle couples have in common; they are risk takers. There are always going to be exceptions to every rule, but in this case, it seems very possible that this is a common trait amongst many swingers. Think about the people you know in the lifestyle. Most of them are a little bit more daring than others you know. When I consider the jobs swingers have, although they obviously cover a huge spectrum, there are some similarities. We have met many doctors, lawyers, stock brokers, ex cops, veterans, firefighters, paramedics, etc. What do all of their jobs have in common? They are risky; they can never predict the outcome of what they do. They are not like accountants or engineers or architects where things are mapped out so there is never room for a questionable outcome. Interestingly enough, we rarely encounter accountants, architects or engineers in the lifestyle.
If couples are afraid of risk, the lifestyle is the last place you will find them. Everyone who swings realizes that when you enter the lifestyle you lose a little control over your relationship. You have to have a tremendous amount of faith in both yourself and your partner to be able to partake. Imagine the man who thinks he wants to play with other women only until he sees his wife enjoy having sex with another man. He took a risk. He came into the lifestyle and allowed his wife to play with someone else. For some people, they have enough confidence to believe their wife (or husband) will enjoy the moment and want only to be back with them. Others will not have that confidence, so the risk is too high. It is the same for women; sure my husband seems satisfied with me now, but he might meet a prettier, slimmer woman with a better body. What if she’s better in bed than I am? How will things ever be the same with my husband again? When you think about it this way, swinging can seem like a risk many couples would rather not take.
It is easy to understand vanilla couples acting as though they are perfectly happy with their marriage just as it is, and wanting us to imagine that their sex lives are perfect. If they were to open up and say they are curious, or have thought about having sex with someone else, they might get invited into the lifestyle and they are not ready for that risk. It would seem impossible to believe that if vanilla couples were truly honest with themselves that they could say they have never thought about having sex with someone else. I guess the difference between couples who take the lifestyle plunge and those who don’t, is that swingers are more open and honest with their partners. It can be very risky to even ask your partner if they will try the lifestyle, but for those of us who did, the rewards have been huge.