Are you a swinger? If you are, you can definitely relate to some of these embarrassing (but true) stories!
My husband and I had my parents over for dinner a few nights ago. We were sitting at the table enjoying our coffee when our dog skirted under the table to enjoy what I thought was something my father had given her from his plate of leftovers. Before long she was looking for my mother’s attention so my mother was petting her absentmindedly. Next thing I know, my mother holds out her hand to show us what the dog had deposited. It was a chewed up condom package with (thankfully) the condom still inside. My husband and I were literally sweating, trying desperately to figure out how to explain this. Since neither of us could think of anything to say we acted like we couldn’t imagine where she had gotten it. I didn’t feel comfortable admitting we had had a party that weekend and always supply condoms for our guests to use while they play on the very couch you were sitting on before dinner. Nope, I didn’t think that would go over very well. The next morning I did phone her and say that it probably had been in my son’s bedroom and the dog had managed to find it.
You might want to pack a trench coat when you don’t know the destination.
A few weeks ago we were heading out on a Saturday night to a private party. We know the couple who were throwing the party but we had never been to their home. I usually bring something in the car to put on in case of an emergency (I have already had that problem two times). We were in a hurry and I forgot until we were already on our way. Since we were running late, I decided to forget about it for this one time. We arrive at the address and to my surprise, it is a building. Naturally, when we walk in there is a doorman, a man at the front desk and a gentleman who takes you upstairs in the elevator. I feel especially pleased that I am wearing a super slutty outfit that is practically see through. I imagined all three men watching us by video going up in the elevator taking bets on whether or not my husband had hired me for the night. When we arrive at their condo, my friend opens the door and gets hysterical laughing. She knew right away the shame I had to endure to get up to her apartment. She was then concerned that I would be the first of many dressed like this and now the people downstairs would look at her differently. Perhaps next time you might want to mention to lifestyle guests that there is a front desk!
Ordering online should be a private way to get what you want, right?
I love to dress up when we go to parties and clubs, and I especially enjoy shopping for slutty clothing. It can be difficult to find stores that carry this type of clothing so most of the time I shop online. I placed an order with a store a few months ago and waited for the package to arrive. It did not arrive as schedule and so I checked the tracking. It showed the package had been delivered. I went back to see what address they had delivered it to since it was not mine. When I looked it up, I realized the company sent it to my old address! I had the phone number for the new owners so I called her and asked if she had the package. She said she didn’t think so but would get back to me. She sent me a text message later that day saying it had indeed arrived and since she was on her way out, she would leave it at her front door for me to pick up. I arrived at her house and pulled into the driveway. I was anxious to jump out and to grab the package. My old neighbor spots me and walks over to say hello. I told her I was in a hurry but just needed to grab a package that was left at the door. She says, “Yes, I know, Susan told me about the package.” With that she says goodbye and walks away. I thought it was odd and couldn’t imagine why Susan would have mentioned it. As soon as I approached the front door I understood why. The package had been opened and clearly she had seen what I had ordered. OMG how do I explain this?! Everything I had ordered looked like something a dancer from a strip club would wear! After taking some time to figure out how to explain this, I phoned her. I told her this was not what I had ordered! She said she was sorry she had opened it but had been expecting a package and just assumed that was her package. She mumbled something about not really looking at what was inside but I could tell from the package that she had indeed looked at each piece! We have not spoken since.
People in the lifestyle love to stop and smell the flowers, but what about stopping to smell the lube?
A friend had surgery recently and I went to visit her at home. They live in the city so finding a place to park was a bit of a challenge. I finally gave in and parked in a public garage. When I was leaving, I turned out of the garage and as I drove past her building, I noticed her husband walking toward the entrance. I honked and he came over to the car to say hello. He was very excited and held up a bag to show me that he had been shopping. I pulled over to the curb and he got in the passenger side to show me what he bought. To cheer up my friend, he had gotten her some sexy lingerie, body powder and some new lube. He opened the bottle to let me smell it and as I leaned over to smell the bottle of lube someone knocked on my window. I turn to see a policeman standing there asking me to roll down my window. Not only was I parked in a fire zone but he wanted to see what we were sniffing. I imagine he thought it was drugs. Although sniffing lube is legal, it is still pretty embarrassing. My friend held up the bottle for the policeman to see but he wanted me to hand it over. I twisted the cap back on and reluctantly gave him the bottle. After examining the bottle, he handed it back to me and informed us that public sex was a misdemeanor and suggested we move along!
Sex toys and children don’t mix…
A friend recently returned from a trip to New Orleans where she was visiting a child in college. She had a wonderful time but since she and her husband spend every weekend at either a lifestyle event or swing club, it was very tame. After taking her son and his roommate out for dinner, they walked my friend back to the hotel and they were heading out to meet friends. After waiting a short time to make sure they were gone and she headed out to see Bourbon Street at night. She stopped at a bar and had a few drinks while mingling with the locals. Soon after, she decided to take a walk down the street to see what was there. She passed a shop that sold adult items and she walked in. Excited to see such interesting toys, she decided to buy a friend an early birthday present: a giant pink strap on. They dropped her stuff in a plastic bag and she headed back toward the hotel. As she was walking though the lobby, her son was talking to the person at the front desk. She was surprised to see him there and he rushed over to talk to her. He had left his keys up in her room and needed them to get into his apartment. They rode back up in the elevator together with his friend and she let them back into her room. They seemed not to be in a hurry to leave so she sat on the edge of the bed and talked with them for a while. She had to go to the bathroom so she got up from the bed and when she did, the package slid off the bed and the contents scattered across the floor. Needless to say she was mortified as the boys stared down at the pink strap on. She chuckled and said it was a gag gift for a friend’s birthday. She still gets upset just thinking about it.
Let’s be honest, sex happens
Although most swingers try very hard to keep the lifestyle a secret, it seems that something always happens to give others a clue that we are not as vanilla as we would like to have them believe. Every time some embarrassing or revealing situation occurs or someone tells me about something that has happened to them, I wonder if most people don’t have secrets of their own. I prefer my dog not bring condoms to my parents, but honestly, do they not have anything kinky going on in their life? My neighbor can’t handle the thought that I would wear such sexy clothing? Maybe she is using a strap on with her husband. I don’t know! For her sake, I hope they are doing something fun in their bedroom! The policeman thinks lube is risqué? Really? With a job like that I’m sure he has seen a whole lot more interesting things than that. As for my friend’s son, he is in a fraternity. Need I say more?
At least we are having fun!
One of the reasons I love the lifestyle so much is that we don’t pretend to be so puritanical. We love sex, we have sex and we talk about sex. We like to dress sexy and we like to have fun. It would be impossible to revert to our old ways and I sincerely doubt that anyone in the lifestyle would want to. Hopefully, in the future, people will loosen up and accept that sex is natural and normal. I’m not expecting everyone to understand or participate in the lifestyle, I am just hoping that people will be open to the fact that it does exist and the people involved are just having fun with their partners. It is an open and honest relationship that swingers have and hopefully one day, vanilla people will understand.
Until then, prepare yourself for the next mishap…
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