Infidelity and the lifestyle; how swinging helps couples avoid cheating on each other.

Happy couple clinking wine glasses
Happy couple clinking wine glasses

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

People who are not in the lifestyle, equate swinging with infidelity.  Obviously, for people who swing, this is absolutely untrue.   According to dictionary.com. infidelity means:

1.  marital disloyalty
2.  unfaithfulness
     Considering those two meanings, swingers are not being disloyal or unfaithful to their spouses.  Perhaps we should think of swingers as writng their own rules in their own marriages.  They have decided together, as a couple, to open their marriage to something more. Whether or not religious figures would agree that this is not adultery or infidelity is another topic altogether.

It is not uncommon to hear people who are not in the lifestyle to question why couples swing.  Besides that they imagine swingers to be perverted deviants, their perception of swingers is really off.  They have a hard time understanding why people would be open to having sex with someone other than their spouse.  More than that, they cannot fathom why swingers do not get upset with the fact that their significant others are doing this.

Let’s consider this:  if a department store invited you to visit anytime, and take what you needed for free, would you ever feel the need to steal something from them?   Silly question right?  How can you steal something if they are giving it to you for free?   Let’s say you are in school and need help on an exam and the teacher tells you anytime you don’t know an answer to just ask her and she will tell you. Would you need to copy off someone’s paper?  What would be the point?  The teacher has already offered the free help, right?  It is the same in the lifestyle.  Your partner offers to let you swing with other people, why would you need to do this behind their back?  That is not to say that it never happens because it probably does, but what it is the point?

It is very common when you speak with swingers to hear how surprised they were when they first entered the lifestyle to discover how in love swingers seemed to be.  It was exactly the opposite of what they had imagined.  If couples were so in love, what drove them into the lifestyle?  The best answer is probably honesty.

The relationship between a couple who chooses to swing has to be very open and honest.   In order to swing, they had to get to the point where they could admit that although they love each other, they would like to try something else.  It is normal for  couples to fall into a routine or rut with their sex life.  Some couples try to spice things up by watching porn, using toys, trying different positions or even going to strip clubs.  What happens when that is not enough?

For couples not in the lifestyle, unfortunately, they might look to someone else to fill that void.  Infidelity is exceptionally selfish.  One person in the couple chooses to find excitement that is lost with their partner while the other partner makes do with  the lack of fulfillment.  Sometimes both parts of the couple choose to be unfaithful to each other while maintaining  the facade of a wonderful marriage.  How long can that last?

When you consider the avenue swingers take, it seems more logical and loving.  Swinging is something couples do together.  They venture into the lifestyle as a couple not to find someone to replace their partner, but to find couples to spice up their sex life.  The excitement is something they experience together.  The only sneaking around these couples might be engaging in, is from their family and friends. Swinging creates a very strong bond;  you are naughty together.

When you consider the freedom that swinging brings to both members of the couple, who would feel the need to cheat?  Sure, there are always exceptions, but that shows a true character fault.  Generally speaking, swingers would agree that they have no reason to cheat.  Swinging helps them to avoid infedelity.

Many couples who have been in the lifestyle for many years reach different levels of comfort with separating while swinging.  Some couples have no problem allowing their significant other to play on their own while traveling or with friends they have met in the lifestyle.  They talk about how much pleasure they get just from hearing about the escapades of their partners.   The only request they make of each other is to tell them about what they do when they play on their own.  Some couples never separate and continue their swinging journey side by side.  Either way, the degree of trust and freedom is immeasurable compared with those not in the lifestyle.

Everyone is different and perhaps there are couples who never feel the desire to play outside their marriage.  It seems that number would be very low when you consider how rampant infidelity is.

My question to those not in the lifestyle is this:  why not try to explore together what both of you are secretly wishing for?  It is impossible to believe that every married adult at some point has not fantasized about having sex with someone else.  A neighbor, a  teacher, a coworker, someone famous or your spouse’s best friend.   The best part about swinging is that these are no longer secrets or fantasies!  You and your partner not only talk about what your sexual fantasies are, you experience them together.  What could be more honest and intimate than that?  That is what creates such a strong bond between swingers.   When you have everything you need at home, why would you need to go elsewhere?

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Who are we to judge what is right for other people?

 

 

Why do people feel the need to judge each other?  Why are some people so sure that they are right and the way they choose to live is the only correct way?  Who appointed them both judge and jury in deciding what is right for other people?

Times have changed a lot over the past half century.  There used to be only two genders, a marriage was between a man and a woman, if you were born male, you stayed male (and vice versa), there was no public cross dressing or transgender,  most people who were gay were not comfortable exposing themselves, etc.

Here we are in 2018 and things are quite different.  We have come a long way in expressing ourselves and embracing differences between people.  Although many people have evolved and accepted our differences, there are still many people who fear what they cannot understand.  

A friend of mine is very happily married, but as I have discovered, is quite different from most people I know.  Although she and her husband are swingers, we do not play with them.  They prefer to have a more intimate relationship with the people they swing with.  They also do not call it swinging or playing, but refer to it as “making love”.  Right there, we were out.  

Recently this couple traveled to Europe on vacation and met a woman named Cici.  As my friend describes it, “There was this instant attraction between Cici and Mark (her husband).  I could feel the chemistry between them.  We were simply enjoying some afternoon coffee and Cici was in the coffee shop.  There were no available tables so we asked if we could join her.  We spent the next 2 hours sipping coffee listening to her describe the city and the places she insisted we visit.  We exchanged phone numbers and made plans to have dinner with her that evening at a restaurant near her home.”

My friend goes on to describe her joy at watching her husband fall in love with this woman while overseas.  I was imagining that what happened in Italy, stayed in Italy, but I was wrong.  Cici has been in regular touch with her husband and is planning to move here to be closer to Mark.  They have also spoken about having a baby together.  

To be honest, my first reaction was utter shock and disbelief.  What?!  Your husband has fallen in love with another woman, she is moving here to be closer to him and they are already talking about having a child together?  And, you are so happy for them.  What am I missing?  Where do you fit into this picture?  She assured me that this would be a perfect addition to their marriage and to their family.

This was when it occurred to me:  times have changed and so have people.  It might not be something that would work for me, but it works for them.  It’s really no different from my friends who are not swingers trying to understand how I can be happy for my husband when he enjoys having sex with another woman. One friend told me that no matter how hard she tries, she cannot understand how this is possible.  We are so programmed to believe that there is only one right way of doing things, that when someone is living a life that is at odds with what we have always thought was ‘right’,  we take notice, and often, pass judgement.

When men and women first started to be openly gay and lesbian, it was very hard for some to imagine how they could prefer their own sex as a life partner.  After all, we were raised to believe men and women were meant to share lives together, not two men or 2 women.  If we look at the gay community today, they have proven everyone wrong.  Although it is not right for everyone, clearly it works for them.  

The thought of people physically changing their gender would have been impossible to believe decades ago, yet it has become common enough that it is no longer newsworthy.  The state of Delaware has been considering allowing children as young as age 5 to choose their own race and gender without parental consent.  Although it does not seem to be a particularly popular decision, it might not be long before other states follow their lead. 

We discovered that the state of New York now recognizes 31 genders and gay marriage is now legal in all 50 states here in the US.  

Looking at all of the changes we have seen, you would think people have discovered that just because it is not right for them, it does not give them the right to judge others.  However, it seems this is still not the case.  Many people are still admonishing those who choose to forge their own path and follow their own ideals. Some folks are still not ready to accept the LGBT community, swingers, polygamists or any other group or lifestyle that does not conform to their own beliefs.  Even those who are living alternative lifestyles can be quick to judge people who are different from themselves.  

What do we gain by deciding what is right for others?  When will people be free to live a life that is right for them without fear of admonishment by others?

Hopefully with all of the changes we have seen in the past fifty years, people will continue to evolve both spiritually and mentally.  We are on the right path but we still have a long way to go.  

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How can you tell if another couple wants to swing with you?

A couple and single girl at a bar wearing Partners ID Jewelry
A couple and single girl at a bar wearing Partners ID Jewelry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Swinging can sometimes feel like dating.  Remember in the past when you met someone and spent a fair amount of time wondering if they liked you?  Then you tried to decide if they liked you, or liked you liked you.   The only difference now, is that usually swingers are couples looking for other couples.  Although it sounds so simple, it is not.  Instead of the traditional one person seeking out another, it is now one couple (2 people) looking for another couple (2 more people).  That equals four people who must all be on the same page.  It might not sound that complicated but it can be.

The other part of this equation is wondering when you do meet other swingers, how to know which couples want to swing with you.  That too, can be complicated.  When you are dealing with a couple, maybe the man likes you, but his wife doesn’t like your husband (or vice versa).  The problems with four people are multiplied dramatically so it’s important to pay attention to signs and signals that other couples are giving you.

Swing clubs are a great place to meet other couples (or singles) to swing with. They have a sexy, night club atmosphere and most of the people who are there, are there to swing. This does not mean, however, that every couple you meet wants to swing with you. So how can you tell who is and who is not interested?

Most adults have learned that when they are in a social situation, they should be friendly and warm. We were taught to be polite and smile. If someone talks to us, we should have the common courtesy to listen and even join in the conversation. People in swing clubs, tend to be very friendly and welcoming to each other. So with all this smiling and kindness, how can we distinguish between people are who being polite and people who are interested in having sex?

For some couples, it’s not that hard to figure out, whereas for others, they seem to have no clue at all (think Sheldon Cooper). Here is a little quiz to help you determine if you are on the right track to finding other couples to play with:

You are sitting at the bar and a couple walks over. They are trying to get the bartender’s attention and since you are sitting there, they say hello. You and your significant other find them attractive so you try to engage them in conversation. They are friendly and answer your questions but as soon as the bartender hands them their drinks, they turn and walk away. Now, this should be an easy one…
This couple is interested, you have a shot: True or False

(False, clearly, they are not interested.)

Let’s try another, shall we? A couple is seated next to you on a couch. They seem friendly and you strike up a conversation with them. The husband answers your questions but the wife is not paying any attention. She is busy watching people on the dance floor. While you are talking to him, the husband turns and asks his wife if she wants to dance. They pop up and leave for the dance floor. Hm, what do you think?

A. They will be back in a few minutes and we will have another chance to win them over?

B. We have no shot let’s go find another couple.

If you chose A, you should probably keep reading until the end!

How about this situation: a couple approaches you while you are at the bar and asks if anyone is sitting in the seats next to you. You say no and the couple sits down. They introduce themselves and tell you it’s their first time in this club. They are friendly and you are encouraged that maybe this can work. You talk with them for a while and they get up to go and dance. After a few songs, they return to their seats next to you. A couple sits down on the other side of them and they turn to engage in conversation with them. You and your significant other walk around to join the two couples in conversation. They continue talking while you stand there. You don’t want to be rude so you patiently wait for them to introduce you to this couple. After a few minutes, nobody attempts to bring you into the conversation. You decide to go back to your seats at the bar.

A. No problem, in a few minutes they will turn back and chat with us.

B. Not looking good, they were just being friendly.
Don’t wait too long for this couple, it seems they have found a couple they prefer.

You meet a couple standing along side the dance floor. You try to engage them in conversation and although the wife is friendly, the husband is looking around while you are talking to him. He answers your questions but doesn’t ask you any. A few times you even had to repeat yourself because he didn’t hear you. His wife grabs his hand while you are talking to her.

A.  She’s hot and she’s friendly. She will persuade him to be with us.

B. Finding couples is harder than we thought. Let’s move on.

It’s B! When she grabbed his hand, she was trying to tell you something… He showed a clear disinterest from the get go.
You decide to dance and are enjoying the time with your wife. You notice a couple watching you and smiling. When you leave the dance floor they approach you at the bar. They are friendly and she greets you with a kiss on the cheek. The man is attentive to your wife and his wife is attentive to you. She plays with her hair while laughing at your jokes.

A.  This is it! We might actually have a chance with this couple!

B. They are just being friendly, I’m not sure if they really have any interest.

I hope you chose A! This was a gimme, a no brainer.

Believe it or not, we see this all the time. Couples who hang around when there is no chance what so ever that the couple they are clinging to have any interest in them. Sometimes all it really requires, is to pay close attention to what their body language is saying. If someone is standing with their arms crossed and a forced smile on their face, that should tell you that they are not interested. If someone touches you or is engaged in what you say, that’s a good sign. If they turn towards you and have a genuine (not fake) smile, think positive! If the person you are talking to is not making eye contact, walk away. If someone likes you, they will make you feel comfortable and important. They will be present in the moment with you. They will ask you questions and listen carefully to what you have to say. If someone is busy looking around to see what else is available, that means they have no real desire to be with you.

Although we always stress how important communication is, in this type of situation, nobody will tell you that they are not interested, it is just too rude. They will, however, do whatever they can with their body language to let you know. Non verbal cues are all you are going to get to let you know when a coupe is or is not interested. All you have to do, is pay attention to what it is they are trying to say.

Swinging should be fun but figuring out who wants to swing with you can sometimes be confusing! The more experience you have in the lifestyle the easier it will become! Good luck!

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Why the swinger lifestyle is good for you. Yes, I mean you!

Who knew that entering the lifestyle would have such an impact on my life?  Like many women, I was not the one who initiated the conversation regarding swing clubs.  To be fair, really, neither was my husband.  It was a stripper at a strip club and that should tell you something about us right away!  Why were we so chummy with the stripper in the first place?  The answer is that we were regulars for a few years.  She observed that I never looked happy to be in the strip club and she took a guess that I was there for my husband.  “Why not take your wife to a swing club” she asked one night.  I had never heard of a swing club and had no idea what it was.  A few weeks later, for my husband’s birthday I surprised him and said I wanted to check out a swing club.  I did not have to ask twice.
I have never been overly confident and having been married for 19 years, I never really thought about flirting with other men.  Sure, men were flirting with me all along but I chose to dismiss it and pretend not to notice.  That’s not to say I didn’t find men attractive or find myself at times attracted to other men, I did, but I never acted on it and tried my best to avoid them.
That was a long time ago as I have been in the lifestyle for about 10 years.  The lifestyle has taught me so much about myself and has given me a tremendous amount of confidence.  What I have learned since the beginning would have been very helpful to know as a 20 year old.  I’m not talking about sex, I’m talking about people and attitudes and friendliness and being open to both experiences and people.  It would be no problem today for me to walk into a bar by myself and make friends with little effort amongst a group of strangers.  Ten years ago I would have waited outside until my husband arrived to go into the bar with him.  Today, he would find me sitting at the bar with a drink in my hand chatting with the people around me.  If I were single, and there was an attractive man at the bar, I would think nothing of walking over and striking up a conversation.  Being single does not frighten me in the least.  Many married “vanilla” friends talk about how they would be totally lost without their spouse and would have no idea how to get back out and date.  They would be terrified by the thought of having to navigate a new relationship.  I sincerely doubt that the majority of people in the lifestyle would feel this way.  We are used to flirting and mingling and talking to total strangers.
It has also taught me about my body and that you do not have to be perfect to be attractive.  It has taught me that what I once thought made a person attractive is not necessarily universal.  When we first entered the lifestyle I imagined the most attractive women with the hottest bodies would be the most sought after by all the men in the club.  What I discovered is that beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder and what is attractive to one person is not necessarily attractive to another.  As a society I feel that magazines, movies and tv regularly make us believe that only the tall, slim, busty girls with perfect hair are what men are looking for, when in reality, men are all different with very different taste and very different ideas of what makes a woman attractive.  Same for women; what attracts one woman is vastly different from what attracts another.
I learned that it is ok to love sex!  When women love sex, they tend to think they must be a slut.  I thought my interest in playing with different guys when I was younger was wrong.  Friends used to ask,  “How many guys
have you slept with?”   When they were in their 20s and told me they had slept with only 5 men I would think OMG, I can never tell anyone the truth!  I never thought to count; I just knew I loved having sex!  The lifestyle taught me that there is nothing wrong with that.  It also has taught me to learn to express what I like in bed.  Most people prefer to know what the person they play with likes.
The lifestyle has taught me that we are only as “old” as we allow ourselves to be.  Many people believe that people over 50 should spend their evenings at restaurants or movies and be home by 11.  What else is there for them to do?  Nightclubs almost predominantly cater to people in their 20s and 30s.  Most people I know who are over 40 years old have no interest in spending an evening at a night club with younger people.  They feel uncomfortable dressing too sexy, they might not enjoy the same music, or how loud it is, and dancing next to someone who is so much younger than yourself can be awkward.  They look at you and wonder what you are doing there.  In a swing club, you get the same night club atmosphere where people are there to have a good time regardless of their age and nobody is judging you.  The freedom in a swing club is very liberating.  To be able to be yourself and show your sexuality as you please is fabulous.  Staying out until 3:00 in the morning on weekends makes you feel young again.  It is impossible to imagine going back to that ‘old person’ mentality after experiencing time in the lifestyle.
The people you meet in the lifestyle are so much different from people you will meet anyplace else.  The conversations are real and nothing is off limits.  I find our conversations with vanilla friends tend to be about our children and our jobs but with lifestyle friends it is about vacation experiences, parties, sex and lifestyle events.  We talk about sex because it is normal and not taboo.   Try talking to your vanilla friends about sex and watch them blush and look at you like you are perverse.
The lifestyle has made me feel alive!  I look forward to any time we spend in any lifestyle venue.  When we embarked upon creating the lifestyle jewelry it was an extension of our love for the whole environment and the people in it.  We are dedicated to continuing to try to make it easier for those of us in the lifestyle to find each other!  Party on people!
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Are you being unfaithful when you fantasize about someone else during sex?

Couple fantasizing while asleep wearing Partners ID jewelry
                                                                     Couple fantasizing while asleep wearing Partners ID jewelry
  We hear people taking jabs at swingers because they feel we are unfaithful to our partners.  Of course, everyone in the lifestyle would vehemently disagree with this.  To be unfaithful, (according to the dictionary means breaking trust)  would mean that our partners are unaware of what we are doing, yet just the opposite is true.  Not only are our partners ok with what we are doing, they are alongside us doing the very same thing!  On the television show The Doctors this morning, there was a segment discussing fantasizing about others during sex ( a very short, somewhat vanilla segment).  The interesting part was that they talked about how healthy it is for you to fantasize about being with someone else while making love to your partner.  Really??!!  If that is healthy for your relationship I am confused.  I can’t speak for everyone in the lifestyle but I will say that I do not fantasize about having sex with someone else when I am with my partner.  Before entering the lifestyle I did, but now that I am free to explore sex with other people, when I am with my partner, I am with my partner!  According to the dictionary, fantasize means to dream about, imagine and wish for.  I am not sure how comfortable I feel thinking about making love to my partner while he is ‘secretly’ wishing he was with someone else.  The worst part is that I am not in on this little secret and I think his lust is directed towards me.  This seems deceptive, no?
One of the most fascinating aspects of the lifestyle is it becomes a little like truth serum.  When you are at an event or in a swing club it is normal for you or your partner to point someone out and express interest in that person.  Before entering the lifestyle the thought of this would have made me insanely jealous.  I thought I should be the only person my partner was ever interested in.  I now realize that this is impossible and completely unrealistic.  It is not normal to think you will stop finding other people attractive because you are married or in a committed relationship.  We know that a very large percent of the married population is not faithful to their spouses (Ashley Madison certainly helped to confirm these numbers), but let us consider the number of people fantasizing about someone else when they make love to their partners.  Everyone on the panel of the Doctors admitted that they do fantasize about others from time to time.  That’s 100% of the panel of 6; I suspect that percentage is pretty close to the general population.  They did note that although they fantasize about these other people, who included famous people and people from their everyday life, they do not wish to be with these people in real life.  What a coincidence!  Same thing with swingers!  The philosophy that enables swingers to play with other people without jealousy is the realization that both you and your partner are looking for fun for the moment, not a relationship with someone you play with.  If the vanilla world understood this philosophy perhaps they would not be so quick to judge.  At least we are being honest with each other!
How often have you been out with vanilla friends and notice (sorry guys) the man looking at another woman while his wife is sitting next to him.  She always sees him doing this even though he thinks he is being discreet.  One of two things will happen at this point:  she will pretend not to notice or she will comment on the fact that he was checking her out.    Either way it is uncomfortable for everyone at the table because she is not happy.  If the table is made up of strictly vanilla couples, the other woman will probably agree that the man was wrong to do this in front of his wife.    If swingers are present at the table it can be a totally different experience.  Chances are, both the man and the woman will turn to see the person and comment on whether they agree or disagree that she is attractive.  Then it is over and they move on; no harm done, no arguing.
It would seem to me that the swingers are displaying a much more honest and civil relationship than the vanilla couples who spend their lives secretly wishing and fantasizing about other people.  Just like anything else in life; when we are denied something it makes it that much more enticing.  We dream of expensive cars or homes or vacations but once we have these things we discover they are not as special as we imagined they would be.  Perhaps it is the same with having sex with someone other than your partner.  Once you have the permission to go ahead, after you have played, you discover how much you enjoy your partner.  You really can’t compare having sex with a stranger to making love with your partner.  It’s really not the same because the intimacy is missing.  Just my opinion…
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Is the term “swinger” outdated and in need of an update?

Open-minded couples in bathrobes wearing Partners ID jewelry
Open-minded couples in bathrobes wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is the term “swinger” outdated and in need of an update?

Welcome to 2018! This is the future that many of us imagined back when we were kids. For many of us, the future actually arrived on October 21, 2015. This is the date that Marty McFly travels to save his children, whom were yet to be born in “Back to the Future’s” 1985.  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088763/.

For many of us, we believed by now we would be living like the “Jetsons”  http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0055683/ , but so far, that has not come to fruition.

Perhaps all the fancy technology we had envisioned is not what makes the year 2018 as different as we imagined as children. We might not have accomplished the ability to fly personal aircrafts and have robots catering to our every need, but we have accomplished something much more valuable. We have witnessed a new generation that is proving itself to be much more open minded than any generation before. Now obviously I cannot speak for every single person or community of people, I can only point to the majority.

This generation grew up accepting people, they are less concerned with race, religion and gender than any generation before them. They don’t judge people based on who they love or how they dress. This generation has opened their hearts to the LGBTQ community, which is not something we saw with prior generations.

So here we are, in the year 2018, watching a generation mature and they are open to new ideas and beliefs as well as lifestyles and personal choices. What I have observed however, is they are not open to “swinging”. Oh, don’t get me wrong, they like to have sex, yes, even the married ones, with other people or couples; what they don’t like, is to be called swingers. It took me a while to understand this, hence, a previous article I wrote: Are couples having sex with friends but not calling themselves swingers? https://www.swingersjewelry.net/sex-friends/  Here I was questioning why couples who were clearly swinging refused to call it such.

Then it hit me, the word swinger has fallen out of favor. The term “swinger” conjures up an image of a couple from the 1970s with bell bottom pants, polyester shirts or dresses and an afro. It’s not that this generation is not open to swinging, they simply do not use the term. This is not a new problem. I believe that people have been moving away from this word for a long time. People frequently speak about the lifestyle, which is a broader term that incorporates swinging, but often use the term lifestyle to indicate that they are swingers. That can be confusing because you can be in the lifestyle but not swing. https://www.swingersjewelry.net/swing-lifestyle/

The question is: if we decide to change the word swinger to make it more socially accepted, what would be the best term? Perhaps instead of labeling people swingers, we should change the term to open-minded. According to dictionary.com, the word open-minded means:
1.  Having or showing a mind receptive to new ideas or arguments.
2.  Unprejudiced; unbigoted; impartial.

The reason open-minded seems like a logical fit is that it simply tells others that you are receptive and unprejudiced. This way people who are open-minded can speak freely about what they are looking for. Open-minded people might not be swingers, but they would have no problem if you are. It doesn’t speak to others about your sexual life, it simply lets them know that you are open to new ideas and won’t judge people for what they choose to do.
In order to eliminate the stigma attached to swingers, we must change the term to illicit a more contemporary view of today’s swingers. We must shed the image of the hippies from the 1970s and educate people that open-minded people are simply sophisticated adults who no longer believe that monogamy is the ideal in every relationship. Open-minded people have discovered that there is an alternative lifestyle that meets their needs.

The term open-minded allows freedom of expression. If you are nonjudgmental, you are willing to accept that others choose a way of life that is comfortable for them. It could mean they are part of the LGBTQ community, they could be part of a polyamorous relationship, it might even mean they are happily married in a monogamous relationship but they are open to how others are living their lives.

Imagine wearing our lifestyle jewelry and allowing the world to learn that it simply means you are open-minded.  Suddenly people  see that as a sign of respect!  When we switch out the term swinger for open-minded, it no longer speaks strictly about your sex life.  It speaks about you, as a person.

Let us consider moving into the year 2018 with a positive attitude and an open mind. Swingers are a thing of the past. Open-minded people are the wave of the future. Let’s all open our hearts and minds; live and let live…

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Is it possible to love the lifestyle but not like to swing?

Couple at a swing club wearing Partners ID jewelry
Couple at a swing club wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

Is it possible to love the lifestyle but not like to swing?

This is a question I have been asked more times than I can remember.  It must be confusing to people who are not in the lifestyle.  Perhaps the best way to consider this question is to break it down.  If you are a swinger, then you are in the lifestyle.  However, if you are in the lifestyle, it does not mean you swing.  Make sense?  The confusion probably stems from the fact that people use the word swinger and lifestyle interchangeably, but they really shouldn’t.

People who swing, engage in sexual activity (not necessarily intercourse) with people with whom they are not in a relationship.  Swingers are usually married or in a committed relationship and they play when their significant other is present (most of the time) or has given their consent to play without them.

Enjoying a free and open way of life defines people in the lifestyle.   They might be married or in a committed relationship and often spend time at events which include swingers.  It is common for couples who are in the lifestyle to go to swing clubs, swinger conventions, swinger hotels and take cruises with swingers on board.  Some are simply naturists, others might be into fetish or BDSM, many are voyeurs, some might be transgender or transvestites, some are polygamists, etc.

Why would people want to spend time with swingers if they themselves do not swing?

That’s a good question, so let’s consider why this might be.  Let’s say it is a typical Saturday night and you and your spouse decide you want to go out dancing.  Naturally the best place to dance would be a night club.  You choose a club either because of where it is located or because you have heard good things about it.  You get dressed up and head out for the evening.  You arrive, pay the doorman and head inside. The place is packed with many attractive and mostly very young people. There are couples dancing and sitting at the bar drinking. You spot a bunch of single girls throwing back shots on a couch and a couple of single guys watching them. You walk up to the bar, get drinks for you and your wife and try to find a place to sit down. You can’t find any empty seating area so you stand. A song comes on that you like so you put your drinks on the bar and head over to the dance floor. You dance a few songs, then return to the bar. Hmm. Is it safe to drink the drinks you left on the bar? You look around and nobody is paying any attention to you or your drinks. Better to buy a new one.   Luckily, after standing around for a few hours a seat opens up on a couch so you and your wife sit down and smile at the others seated near you.  They look at you like you’re nuts and turn their attention back to their partner.   The dj is pretty good so you head back out to the dance floor.  It’s hard to move because the dance floor is crowded with young people standing around talking and taking selfies.  A young man around the same age as your son flirts with your wife when she accidentally bumps into him.  His girlfriend looks your wife up and down and points her out to her friend.  They wonder loudly why she is dressed so slutty.  After a few hours of this, you head home. Boy, that was fun.

Now you go to a swing club the following weekend.  Let us pretend you have never been to this club before and you don’t know anyone who goes there.  After stopping at the desk to get a membership, the manager takes you on a tour of the club.  He might even stop and introduce you to some couples along the way.  He brings you to the bar and explains to the bartender that it is your first night in the club.  You give your bottle to the bartender and she pours you your drinks.  The place is crowded so you walk around to get a feel for it.  As you walk by a big seating area with couches a couple says hello.  They tell you there is room on the couch where they are if you want to sit.  They introduce themselves and ask you where you’re from.  A song comes on that you like and you look down at your drinks.  They tell you not to worry, they will watch the drinks for you while you dance.  When you are done dancing the two of you pick up your drinks and head over to the bar for a refill.  Your wife is waiting behind you when the girl seated at the bar compliments her on her shoes.  They start to talk and next thing you know you are chatting with a group sitting at the bar.

So far, which club sounds like more fun?  When vanilla people question me about swing clubs I always explain it like this:  A swing club is a place where couples go to meet other couples (or singles).  The people are friendly and open to meeting new people.  The majority of couples in any swing club are regular customers.  They might not be there every night or every weekend but it is a place they frequent.  When they walk through the door they are looking to have a fun night talking and dancing (maybe more) with other couples.  A regular club is a place where many single people go to meet other singles.  When a couple is there, they are isolated.  Nobody is at a regular night club looking to meet another couple (unless they are swingers).

So let’s return to the question about why someone might like the lifestyle but not like to swing.  The atmosphere in any lifestyle event is so much different from any other type of event, that once you have experienced it, you do not want to be out.  The friendly people, the non judgmental atmosphere, the fun times!  You really cannot compare this to anything else.  When you walk into a swing club, nobody will judge you.  It does not matter how old you are, how tall you are, how overweight you are, what you are wearing or where you are from.  People are open to meeting new people and rarely do I see people alienate others for any reason other than their behavior.

Many people enter the lifestyle with the intention of swinging.  Many couples do find that they enjoy swinging and that becomes their primary focus when attending lifestyle events.  Not everyone who tries swinging, however, actually enjoys it.  There are many people, both men and women, who discover that although their partners like to swing, they do not.  This seems to create confusion for couples.  I have heard many men ask how it is possible for their wives to say they like the lifestyle when they refuse to swing.  The answer seems obvious to me.  They like the sexy atmosphere, the sexy clothing and shoes and the open dialogue between couples.  Many women have said they like to have sex amongst other swingers, they just prefer not to join in.   Many people in the lifestyle are voyeurs and that would account for some of these people.  As for the others, playing side by side another couple and actually swapping, are two very different things.  Some people discover that they like every aspect of swinging with the exception of actually playing with other people.  They prefer to play with their own partner while still appearing to be swinging.

As most swingers figure out over time, every couple is different and what is good for one couple, might not be good for another.  As usual, the best course of action is to be upfront and honest, both with your partner, and other swingers.  This way, everyone is on the same page and there are no surprises!  So I guess it is possible to love the lifestyle but not like to swing!

 

If you are a swinger and you have young children, prepare yourself…

Surprised swinger couple wearing Partners ID jewelry
Surprised swinger couple wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you are a swinger and you have young children, prepare yourself…

We were all packed and ready to head out on our first trip to a lifestyle resort. “Pack lightly,” my girlfriend had told me, “there’s no real need for clothing at this place.”

Well, I listened to her advice and as my husband and I said goodbye to the kids and thanked his parents for staying with them, his mother looked concerned. “Where are your suitcases?”

So this is the life of a swinger. Always being cornered with questions you would rather not have to answer.

Like the time at the airport, when my suitcase was buzzing loudly enough for people in close range to hear. “Oh, that’s just my electric toothbrush” I said with a laugh. My 9 year old daughter was quick to let everyone know, “Mom, you don’t have an electric toothbrush.” Kids!

Back in the day when we watched blue ray discs, naturally my husband stocked up on porn. He carefully took them out of the original packaging and put them into old empty cases with old tv shows and movie names on the cover. He’s so smart, right? We thought so until our son decided to borrow a few to bring to a sleepover party at his friend’s house. He was about 12 at the time. Although his friends were delighted with what he brought, the boy’s parents were not quite as happy.

Swingers tend to stay out late when they have an opportunity to swing. Getting dressed after drinking and having wild sex can be a bit of a challenge, especially for women when they wear complicated outfits. Things get put on inside out, upside down, buttons don’t match, panties are lost, etc. The other problem is that your hair and makeup are never the same afterwards. This should not be a big deal, after all, it is the middle of the night (or the early morning hours of the next day) and who is going to see you? Do you have children? They will see you! Trust me, no matter how late it is or how quiet you are, they will not only see you, but they will have questions.

Most swingers are smart enough to realize early on in the game how to outsmart these little kiddies. We put our slut wear and toys in a locked closet. We hide the key and treat that closet like Fort Knox. It is never opened when a child is present, no matter how young they might be. That key is never retrieved when a child is within 50 feet of the bedroom door. So why is it that the moment of truth must arrive when you are entertaining your parents and in laws? This is the typical moment that you realize you cannot outsmart your children. It occurs when your darling little angel appears in the living room wearing a school girl outfit clomping around in a pair of your hooker shoes.

How about the little cutie that runs to the door when it rings and stands innocently looking up at the UPS man while you are signing for a package. She reaches over and tugs the bottom of his pant leg. He bends down to greet her and she says, “My mommy has beautiful jewelry on her private parts. Do you?”

We have all heard about the dog who finds a condom under the couch and retrieves it at the most inopportune moment imaginable. How about when your son piles a handful of condoms that he has located in the cabinet underneath your husband’s sink in the bathroom into his toy truck. He is so proud to show your neighbor how he can open the back of the truck and dump the goods onto the floor. Your neighbor laughs lightly and looks at you wondering why on earth you and your husband need condoms.

One of my little angels had an assignment at school to draw a picture of her family. Everything was fine until I look at the shoes the mom is wearing. They were red and giant. I asked her what kind of shoes those were and she said, “Like the ones in the closet. You know mommy, that closet.”

We were having dinner at a restaurant for my husband’s birthday and it was taking a long time for the food to come out. My son was restless so I gave him my cellphone so he could play a game while we waited. Next thing I know he turns the phone around and says, “This lady has big boobies!” I forgot that on our trip we had taken some photos with friends while at the beach. She was totally nude so when he turned the phone around I heard my mother in law gasp. When I act like I can’t imagine where that photo came from my son was quick to tell everyone there are more pictures!

The moral of the story is, if you swing and you have children, you can prepare all you would like, but trust me, they will think of things that you don’t. They will find what you hide and they will share with others what they know. It’s the chance you take!

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A unicorn explains why she is in the lifestyle and what she is looking for.

Unicorn wearing Partners ID jewelry
Unicorn wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This blog was written for Partners ID by Kennedy M., a single woman in the lifestyle.

Most swingers prefer to keep the fact that they are in the lifestyle to themselves.  At times it can be challenging, especially when we find ourselves in situations that are hard to explain.  Imagine how hard it would be for vanilla people to wrap their minds around a unicorn!

Not long ago, while taking notes in a board room for an important client, I received an email with a subject line that said it was an important message from Joe (a close friend’s name).  I was busy and did not look at the return email address.  As soon as we took a break for a few minutes I scrolled down and clicked on it.  To my surprise there was a close up picture of a black man’s dick.  Before I could click delete, a male coworker was standing behind my chair asking if that was my new boyfriend.

When I am not blogging about my lifestyle experiences I have a job that is quite vanilla; complete with meetings in board rooms and client lunches.  For obvious reasons, I do not discuss my private life where I work.  When colleagues ask what I did over the weekend, I usually tell them, “The usual; a movie, some dinner” etc.  I am single and the company I work for would be horrified if they really knew how I spend my weekends.

I am a unicorn, a single girl in the swinger lifestyle, for those who do not know the term.

I did not discover swinging alone, but found myself single after a lengthy relationship in which we were a swinging couple.  I was very much in love with my boyfriend and was heart broken when he ended it with little explanation.

I am not soured by this nor do I hate men.  I am, however, wary of putting my heart out there again in fear that I will find myself in the same situation.

When I was finally ready to go back out after the breakup, I returned to a place where I felt very comfortable in the past.  My former boyfriend and I were swing club rats and spent at least two nights a week in our local establishment.  We had a nice circle of lifestyle friends, many of whom had reached out to me after the break up.

My first night out alone was a little bit scary.  I was unsure how I would be received by some of the women.  I knew I was not looking to intrude on anyone’s relationship but would they know that?  I had never really known any unicorn but had heard some women speaking poorly about them in the past.  I did not want that to be me.

For the most part, the women were happy to see me and welcomed me with open arms.  One or two seemed a bit uncomfortable with all the attention the men lavished upon me (which I in no way sought out but as most unicorns will admit, it is hard to avoid).

The first few times I went to the club I felt a little awkward.  I needed people to make me feel like I belonged there.  It didn’t take long for couples (some I knew, some I did not) to ask me to join them in the back room.  After a period of time I started receiving invitations to parties.  I also started having men ask me to accompany them to the club when their wives were out of town.   I have always declined to do this but I do know other unicorns who have no problem with this.   Although I knew why I was there, I wasn’t sure others understood why I chose to make a swing club my night life of choice.  I overheard women asking each other what exactly I was looking for.

I will tell you “what I was, and still am, looking for.”  I love to dance, I love to dress sexy and I love to have fun.  I like to meet new people and I love to have sex; both with men and with women.  I like the comfort and the warmth of the lifestyle.  It’s a great place to go to as you do not need a date, or to make plans with others.  You just show up and hang with the people who are there.  You can spend an amazing night, have great sex and kiss the other people goodnight.  I can go home and sleep alone in my bed.  Nobody to answer to.  I can stay until 12 midnight or go home at 4am.  I can do what I want with no strings attached.  If I am looking for some one on one time, there are always single guys who are more than willing to spend the evening with a unicorn.  The best part is, I do not have to be alone with them.  We can choose a private room to play but I am not in a scary situation with a stranger.  If I want to be with a couple, no problem.  If I want a gang bang, that’s my choice.  The best part for me is that I leave alone.  I am not looking for a boyfriend or a husband or anything else.  I am looking for a good time.  That’s it, that’s all.  I can not speak for every unicorn as we are all individuals.  I have gotten to know a few who spend time in this swing club and we are not all on the same page.  I will not go into the back room with someone else’s husband if she is not in the club to approve.  Most of the other girls have no problem with that.  I also will not date a married man with or without the wife’s permission.  I will only play with someone’s husband if she is present, but even then, I prefer to make it a threesome.  Most unicorns I have met don’t really have any rules.  They are out for themselves and offer no apologies for what they do.  They prefer to be alone for a variety of reasons and although they love the attention they get in the clubs, for the most part, they are not looking for anything more than a good time.

I have tried to imagine how I would feel if there was a unicorn around when my boyfriend and I were together at the club.  We did not really know of any at that time so it is hard to say.  If unicorns are respectful of other’s relationships then there should never be a problem.  I would suggest making sure that if you choose this route you pay a lot of attention to the women.  If you are flirting with their husband and ignoring them, this will be a problem for sure.  Since you have no one to offer to them, you must flirt with them as a couple.  Always try to put yourself in the woman’s shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if the situation were reversed.

Unicorns are a great addition to the lifestyle if they understand the rules of the game.  Some think they are the stars of the club because they get a lot of attention.  Perhaps it would be better to just think of yourself as another component to the lifestyle.  Although we bring an added element to the lifestyle, the lifestyle could easily exist without us.

Nobody ever asks what single men are looking for in the club.  Why the double standard?  It seems a question I hear often regarding unicorns.   I am looking for sex just like they are.  I just happen to prefer the no strings attached variety.  I don’t want you to call me in the morning.  Really, I don’t.  More often that not, I also don’t want to play with you again.  It was fun once but I am not looking to repeat the experience regardless of how awesome it might have been.  I am not looking for you to cuddle with me or tell me how beautiful I am.  Please do not tell me about your problems and I will not bother you with mine.  The truth is, I don’t really care, I just want to enjoy my night out.

I do like to try new things and am very open minded.  Sometimes that seems to make some women feel  a little threatened.  I am not a slut or a whore because I am a sexual person.  When I was in a relationship I did not feel as free to explore things as I do now.  Perhaps that is why it is hard for you to relate, but that doesn’t really give you the right to judge.

People have asked me many times why I am not out looking for someone of my own.  It is a valid question but again, I am enjoying being by myself.  When I am ready to be in a relationship, I can assure you I will not be fishing for someone in a swing club.  Perhaps one day I will meet a nice single guy at a lifestyle event but who knows.  For now, I am very happy to be a unicorn and have no plans to change that any time soon.

 

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Body language is a clear indicator of a person’s interest and happiness. How to tune in…

 

Woman with negative body language staring at her husband wearing Partners ID jewelry
Woman with negative body language staring at her husband wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

Women pride themselves on having the ability to communicate without having to say a word.  They feel confident that they can both read body language and convey their feelings through it.  The problem is that men are not always able to read these signals.  Sometimes the situation can be reversed.  It is important to pay attention to what your partner is trying to tell you when it is not possible to say something out loud.  Some couples have code words while others have invented special signals to let their significant other know when they are ok or not with a situation.  What happens when you are in a situation and one person is definitely not happy but the partner seems not to notice?

In a swing club last night there were two couples sitting next to each other by the dance floor.  The women were perched on stools and the men were standing behind them.  The men were engaged in conversation, laughing and having a good time but the women were clearly not clicking.  One woman was attempting to make conversation with the other but she was totally ignoring her, never moving her eyes from the dance floor.  You could see by their body language that they were not getting along.  The men seemed oblivious to the fact that they were clearly wasting their time.  At one point, one of the men left for the restroom and the other man immediately turned his attention to the other man’s wife, who was sitting in front of him.  His partner seemed eager to get his attention but he was focusing on the other woman.  Big mistake!  When she realized he was completely blind to her feelings (which were obvious to me from across the room), she jumped off the stool and walked away without a word.  The man was left standing there unsure of whether to remain talking to this other woman or to follow his girlfriend.  Eventually the first man returned and he left to find his partner.  I lost track of them but suspect the night did not end well for this couple.

How could this have played out differently?  Perhaps if he had been paying attention to her body language he would have observed (as I did) that the women were not compatible.  Without this dynamic, nothing can happen between the couples.  Communication is always a priority if couples are going to be successful in the lifestyle but in this case, it was more about simply paying attention to his significant other.

Let’s face it, it is not logical to imagine that people are always going to like each other and click simply because their spouse wants it that way.  Women, especially, can be a little more complicated when it comes to jelling with one another and this is something men must consider if their night is going to run smoothly!  Imagine had the men tried to coerce those two women into a rendezvous in the backroom together!  That would have been a nightmare before, during and after.

There are times when a couple might enter a lifestyle event but one of the couple isn’t really “feeling it.”  They try to go along and have a good time but ultimately they are looking forward to simply playing with their own partner that night.  Honestly, if your partner really knows you well, they will see it.  The majority of the time, our body langauge speaks volumes without you having to explain it.  If your partner is not tuned into you it can be a mess.

Swingers, perhaps more than any other type of couple, must be tuned in to their partners at all times if they want to have success when in a lifestyle environment.  Couples are there to meet others, and for many couples it is with the intent to find another couple to swing with for that night.  When you are engaged in a conversation with another couple, make sure you pay attention to the signals your partner might be trying to send you as it isn’t always possible to talk freely at this point.  If he/she is actively engaged in conversation and smiling easily, chances are they are interested.  If they are looking away or turning their body away from the group, chances are this means no, not a good fit.  If your partner is grabbing onto your arm or pulling you towards them, you might want to consider that they are not interested.

The same goes for couples approaching you on a dance floor.  Sometimes the man will turn his wife around to dance facing you.  Are they expressing interest?  Probably, but the choice is yours if you are open to getting closer to them.  If they do not interest you, you can simply dance away from them.  It is probably never a good idea to push your partner toward someone else without knowing that they have some interest.

What about when you are in the play area?  A couple is next to you and starts to touch you while you are with your partner.  How can you know if your partner would like to play with the other?  These are times that verbal cues that the two of you have discussed ahead of time come in very handy!  If you have not thought of this (perhaps you should), again, look at your partner.  Do they appear interested in switching?  If they continue to play with you and make no move to join the other couple, perhaps you should take that as a sign that they are not interested.  The last thing you want is to put your partner in a situation that they do not want to be in.  Body language in a situation like this is usally a very good indicator of interest or not.  If your significant other pulls you close or they close off their body with their arms, it should let you know that they are not interested!  If they turn towards this couple with outstretched arms, that is a good sign!

Swinging should be enjoyable and easy for both the man and woman of the couple.  If your partner is not paying attention to you and what you are trying to convey to them, things probably will not end well for that night.  One of the problems in the lifestyle is that when you are constantly surrounded by and approached by other couples, communicating freely can be a challenge.  Women must remember that if they want their husband or boyfriend to know exactly how they are feeling, they must make it a point to convey this to them.  If you already know that your man is not very good reading nonverbal cues, don’t expect him to know what you are trying to say if you don’t speak up.

The best course of action for any couple is to try to consider each situation and decide if it looks like your signifiacnt other is interested in the same thing as you.  You might be attracted to the male part of a couple but either  ask your man or observe him to see if he looks happy.  Same thing for your wife.  If she is clearly unhappy with a situation, walk away.  If you are a couple, you should expect to put each other first.  It is probably a good rule of thumb to always stop and think about how you would feel if the situation were reversed.  What is good for one should be good for the other.