Infidelity and the lifestyle; how swinging helps couples avoid cheating on each other.

Happy couple clinking wine glasses
Happy couple clinking wine glasses

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

People who are not in the lifestyle, equate swinging with infidelity.  Obviously, for people who swing, this is absolutely untrue.   According to dictionary.com. infidelity means:

1.  marital disloyalty
2.  unfaithfulness
     Considering those two meanings, swingers are not being disloyal or unfaithful to their spouses.  Perhaps we should think of swingers as writng their own rules in their own marriages.  They have decided together, as a couple, to open their marriage to something more. Whether or not religious figures would agree that this is not adultery or infidelity is another topic altogether.

It is not uncommon to hear people who are not in the lifestyle to question why couples swing.  Besides that they imagine swingers to be perverted deviants, their perception of swingers is really off.  They have a hard time understanding why people would be open to having sex with someone other than their spouse.  More than that, they cannot fathom why swingers do not get upset with the fact that their significant others are doing this.

Let’s consider this:  if a department store invited you to visit anytime, and take what you needed for free, would you ever feel the need to steal something from them?   Silly question right?  How can you steal something if they are giving it to you for free?   Let’s say you are in school and need help on an exam and the teacher tells you anytime you don’t know an answer to just ask her and she will tell you. Would you need to copy off someone’s paper?  What would be the point?  The teacher has already offered the free help, right?  It is the same in the lifestyle.  Your partner offers to let you swing with other people, why would you need to do this behind their back?  That is not to say that it never happens because it probably does, but what it is the point?

It is very common when you speak with swingers to hear how surprised they were when they first entered the lifestyle to discover how in love swingers seemed to be.  It was exactly the opposite of what they had imagined.  If couples were so in love, what drove them into the lifestyle?  The best answer is probably honesty.

The relationship between a couple who chooses to swing has to be very open and honest.   In order to swing, they had to get to the point where they could admit that although they love each other, they would like to try something else.  It is normal for  couples to fall into a routine or rut with their sex life.  Some couples try to spice things up by watching porn, using toys, trying different positions or even going to strip clubs.  What happens when that is not enough?

For couples not in the lifestyle, unfortunately, they might look to someone else to fill that void.  Infidelity is exceptionally selfish.  One person in the couple chooses to find excitement that is lost with their partner while the other partner makes do with  the lack of fulfillment.  Sometimes both parts of the couple choose to be unfaithful to each other while maintaining  the facade of a wonderful marriage.  How long can that last?

When you consider the avenue swingers take, it seems more logical and loving.  Swinging is something couples do together.  They venture into the lifestyle as a couple not to find someone to replace their partner, but to find couples to spice up their sex life.  The excitement is something they experience together.  The only sneaking around these couples might be engaging in, is from their family and friends. Swinging creates a very strong bond;  you are naughty together.

When you consider the freedom that swinging brings to both members of the couple, who would feel the need to cheat?  Sure, there are always exceptions, but that shows a true character fault.  Generally speaking, swingers would agree that they have no reason to cheat.  Swinging helps them to avoid infedelity.

Many couples who have been in the lifestyle for many years reach different levels of comfort with separating while swinging.  Some couples have no problem allowing their significant other to play on their own while traveling or with friends they have met in the lifestyle.  They talk about how much pleasure they get just from hearing about the escapades of their partners.   The only request they make of each other is to tell them about what they do when they play on their own.  Some couples never separate and continue their swinging journey side by side.  Either way, the degree of trust and freedom is immeasurable compared with those not in the lifestyle.

Everyone is different and perhaps there are couples who never feel the desire to play outside their marriage.  It seems that number would be very low when you consider how rampant infidelity is.

My question to those not in the lifestyle is this:  why not try to explore together what both of you are secretly wishing for?  It is impossible to believe that every married adult at some point has not fantasized about having sex with someone else.  A neighbor, a  teacher, a coworker, someone famous or your spouse’s best friend.   The best part about swinging is that these are no longer secrets or fantasies!  You and your partner not only talk about what your sexual fantasies are, you experience them together.  What could be more honest and intimate than that?  That is what creates such a strong bond between swingers.   When you have everything you need at home, why would you need to go elsewhere?

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Newsflash:  Women are sexual beings who have fantasies and desires of their own. They also love sex!

Woman who loves sex in bed wearing Partners ID lifestyle necklace
Woman who loves sex in bed wearing Partners ID lifestyle necklace

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sex is not simply something that only men enjoy.  Women get a tremendous amount of pleasure from it as well.  Why do women have such a hard time admitting this?

Why is a woman’s sexuality still such a confusing topic?  Why do so many people still believe that women are sexual simply to please men?  This stereotype still exists and casts a shadow over women who readily admit that they enjoy sex.  

Still, to this day, if a woman says she loves sex, this causes people to make assumptions about her:  She’s wild, she’s a whore, she will sleep with anyone, etc.  Where does this come from?  Why is it when men say they love sex (which they never have to say, it is always assumed) it is taken in stride?  It is normal for men to love sex but something is very wrong when a woman does. 

I can remember a conversation I had with some friends many years ago.  One woman mentioned that it was her husband’s birthday and so she gave him the obligatory blow job that morning.  It was something she was only willing to do once a year.  I was honestly in shock and blurted out, “Once a year?!  I give my husband a blow job every day!”  With that comment, all heads turned in unison to stare at me with mouthes wide open.  They all thought my husband must be some type of a monster to force me to do this.  Force me?  I explained that I loved pleasuring him and it turned me on to see him so excited.  All four women shook their heads in disbelief and the topic was dropped.  

I remember thinking that not one of them believed me when I said I enjoyed it.  Thankfully I didn’t tell them we had sex twice a day every day because I love sex.  I did wonder, after this conversation, why women had such a hard time believing that another woman could find pleasure in giving her man head.  Was I different?

The answer is, yes, I think I am different.  Different from many women simply because I am willing to admit that I love sex.  While it is certainly possible that not every woman does love it, I do believe that many more women love it than are willing to admit to it.  Why do women pretend not to love sex?  Certainly it is not always pleasurable if the person you are with is not very good at it.  There are however, toys and aids to help.  It is also a good idea to guide your partner if they are not good at understanding what you need or what feels good to you. Most men truly want to please their partner and prefer she tell him then leave him guessing.  Men also get pleasure from seeing their partner enjoying themselves and getting turned on.  If a man feels that a woman is having sex with him out of obligation, he will not enjoy it in the same way.

Many women seem a bit shy to express their desire for sex.  Let’s face it, we grew up learning that girls who love sex were dirty and easy.  They were thought to be indiscriminate in who they slept with and were willing to do anything to please a guy.  It seems nobody ever thought to ask a girl if perhaps she wanted to have sex with guys purely because she enjoyed it. 

I love sex but that does not mean that I am not particular about who I will play with.  I do not cruise around by day looking to pick up men for a quickie. I am also not a nymphomaniac.  There is nothing extraordinary about me.  I am a mother, a daughter, sister, employee, and wife who just happens to enjoy sex.  You wouldn’t be able to spot me on the street and think:  now there’s a woman who loves sex! 

The lifestyle seems to be the perfect fit for sexual women.  Swinging attracts women with all different types of sexual appetites.  It is a safe and comfortable environment for women who love to simply watch others have sex, to the opposite extreme of women who like gang bangs, and everything in between.  Nobody is there to judge, and this type of environment allows women to speak and act freely regarding their sexual desires.  It can be very liberating for women who always thought they were not normal simply because they love sex.  

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If sex and nudity are natural, why then do both make people so uncomfortable?

Woman removing panties for sex wearing Partners ID jewelry
Woman removing panties wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 


Why are Americans so shy when it comes to sex?  Let’s face it, if people were not having sex, we wouldn’t be here.  When you think about it, it is surprising that pregnant women are not trying to cover up when they start to show, after all, everyone who sees them will know they had sex!  What must their parents think?  At this point you are thinking this is silly, right?   We are proud and happy when our children, grandchildren, siblings and friends are expecting; we don’t think about sex when it comes to pregnancy.  It is a beautiful thing!  Yes, it is, but so is sex and so is a naked body.  Even the names of our body parts embarrass us! You rarely hear people speak of their penis or vagina. Certainly over the course of your life you have had reason to mention them to others, no?  If the title of this article had the word vagina in it, people might be embarrassed if someone saw that they were stopping to read the article.  It seems that this is more of an American hangup (when compared to most European countries and Canada). Why are we so shy?  When does this start?

From the time we are children we are taught that our “private parts” are, well, private.  We shouldn’t touch them or talk about them and most definitely, we should never let anyone see or touch them.  It is understandable with all the sick people in the world that parents want to protect their children from harm, but are they doing them a disservice?  I would bet that most American parents feel justified and think this is the best way to protect their children.  Perhaps it is, but wouldn’t it be healthier to adopt a more casual approach toward teaching children about their bodies?  Allowing children to see their parents naked would probably help them to know that nudity is not something to be ashamed of.  Many times you will see children with their parents at a nude beach yet they are almost never American.  European women think nothing of taking off their bathing suit tops yet American’s are very shy at the notion.

I happen to catch the show “Project Runway” recently and the models for the challenge were nudists and the contestants had to design an outfit that would keep them warm but that they would feel comfortable wearing.  When the models were called in, they were naked.  I could not believe how uncomfortable the contestants were!  The models were completely relaxed and had no compunction standing naked while they discussed clothing options.  When they left the contestants were in shock!  Why?  Had they never seen a naked body before?  When you consider this, it really is not normal.

The same situation exists when talking about sex.  Obviously, at some point in time, everyone will have sex.  We have sex education classes in school yet somehow we never actually talk about sex.  We talk about conception in terms of sperm and eggs but never penis and vagina.  We learn about fallopian tubes, the uterus and ovaries but never about the clitoris or g-spot.  We learn that a male will get an erection but never about the pleasure both male and female will experience during intercourse.  Orgasm, let’s get real, that word never came up in class.

Parents usually at realize they must have “the talk” with their children at some point,  but what are they actually talking about it?  Besides giving them information about pregnancy and STDs, do they explain anything further?  Most do not.  No discussion about what feels good or how it is normal to touch yourself.  Their embarrassment simply tells us that sex is something so embarrassing, that they cannot really discuss it with us.  Most kids would agree that their parents seemed elated when “the talk” was finished and you had no questions.

I can remember as a child taking a field trip to the zoo.  The monkeys started having sex as our group of fifth graders were being led by their caged area.  The guide told us not to stop and to hurry past the cages.  He was very embarrassed and refused to let us stop to see the exhibit.   He called them naughty monkeys and chided them through the cage as he moved us past them.  What kind of message was he sending us?   Back at school when we questioned our teacher about it, she told us the monkeys were being silly.  Silly?  Would it not have been more educational to say they were doing something natural?

This might explain why even as adults, people rarely talk about sex.  Before entering the lifestyle, when we spent all of our time with vanilla friends, it was rare that we talked about sex.  If we did, it was joking around about a funny incident such as having the kids walk in on us or trying to find time when the kids weren’t around, etc..  We never spoke about specifics or laughed about new toys.  If we spoke about our new passion for anal sex I’m not sure we would have ever seen any of these “friends” again.   The nice thing about lifestyle friends is that you do talk about sex and nothing is off limits.

We certainly are not born thinking there is shame in our naked bodies so where and why do we learn this?  We know that by the time puberty hits we go to great lengths to keep our bodies to ourselves as we are somewhat ashamed of the changes taking place. We can all remember the difficulty of changing for gym class and can now look back and wonder why our parents and educators did not attempt to lessen our discomfort with some education.  Sure, we learned about puberty, but laughed about it through every class with intense embarrassment.

What is it about our naked bodies that make us so uncomfortable?  I imagine for women it is their perception that they have less than perfect bodies, and when exposed, everyone can see their flaws (whether real or imagined).  For men, perhaps it is a combination of the size of their penis, and how they measure up to other men.  It is also perhaps the fear of arousal while exposed (at an inappropriate moment).  This is a possibility for men mostly because they are not used to being naked and seeing others naked.  Like anything else, they would be desensitized if being naked were not so taboo.  When you spend time at a nude beach, it is rare to see a man with an erection.  Even when you do, most people would agree, it is not a big deal as we have all seen it before!

When you become part of the lifestyle, you discover how liberating it is to get past this.  You learn to undress in front of others and discover that nobody is pointing and laughing.  Regardless of body size and type, hair or no, tattoos, piercings and scars, nobody is ever pointing or laughing.  Taking your clothing off in front of your friends at a nude beach or resort is incredibly liberating!  To feel the warmth of the sun on your entire body is worth the risk of the momentary pang of discomfort the first time you undress in public.  You will also discover that it feels very normal when everyone is also naked. The conversations about sex and your personal sex life will become a part of your life as well.  When you realize how liberating the lifestyle is you will wonder how people can go through their entire life covering up some of the most genuine things about themselves.  Sex is something beautiful and natural and talking about it is normal!  When you swing you also begin to see sex as something beautiful even when it is shared.  Society is so rigid in its beliefs about monogamy and clothing that it keeps us from truly acting in a way that is perhaps more natural than we realize.  Maybe the monkeys are right in the way they behave.  They act on instinct and seem to be just fine the way they are.  Do they really need humans to tell them what is right and to make them feel ashamed?  I personally prefer the attitudes I have discovered from the lifestyle.  How very liberating to finally be comfortable in my own skin and with my sexuality!

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How can you tell if another couple wants to swing with you?

A couple and single girl at a bar wearing Partners ID Jewelry
A couple and single girl at a bar wearing Partners ID Jewelry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Swinging can sometimes feel like dating.  Remember in the past when you met someone and spent a fair amount of time wondering if they liked you?  Then you tried to decide if they liked you, or liked you liked you.   The only difference now, is that usually swingers are couples looking for other couples.  Although it sounds so simple, it is not.  Instead of the traditional one person seeking out another, it is now one couple (2 people) looking for another couple (2 more people).  That equals four people who must all be on the same page.  It might not sound that complicated but it can be.

The other part of this equation is wondering when you do meet other swingers, how to know which couples want to swing with you.  That too, can be complicated.  When you are dealing with a couple, maybe the man likes you, but his wife doesn’t like your husband (or vice versa).  The problems with four people are multiplied dramatically so it’s important to pay attention to signs and signals that other couples are giving you.

Swing clubs are a great place to meet other couples (or singles) to swing with. They have a sexy, night club atmosphere and most of the people who are there, are there to swing. This does not mean, however, that every couple you meet wants to swing with you. So how can you tell who is and who is not interested?

Most adults have learned that when they are in a social situation, they should be friendly and warm. We were taught to be polite and smile. If someone talks to us, we should have the common courtesy to listen and even join in the conversation. People in swing clubs, tend to be very friendly and welcoming to each other. So with all this smiling and kindness, how can we distinguish between people are who being polite and people who are interested in having sex?

For some couples, it’s not that hard to figure out, whereas for others, they seem to have no clue at all (think Sheldon Cooper). Here is a little quiz to help you determine if you are on the right track to finding other couples to play with:

You are sitting at the bar and a couple walks over. They are trying to get the bartender’s attention and since you are sitting there, they say hello. You and your significant other find them attractive so you try to engage them in conversation. They are friendly and answer your questions but as soon as the bartender hands them their drinks, they turn and walk away. Now, this should be an easy one…
This couple is interested, you have a shot: True or False

(False, clearly, they are not interested.)

Let’s try another, shall we? A couple is seated next to you on a couch. They seem friendly and you strike up a conversation with them. The husband answers your questions but the wife is not paying any attention. She is busy watching people on the dance floor. While you are talking to him, the husband turns and asks his wife if she wants to dance. They pop up and leave for the dance floor. Hm, what do you think?

A. They will be back in a few minutes and we will have another chance to win them over?

B. We have no shot let’s go find another couple.

If you chose A, you should probably keep reading until the end!

How about this situation: a couple approaches you while you are at the bar and asks if anyone is sitting in the seats next to you. You say no and the couple sits down. They introduce themselves and tell you it’s their first time in this club. They are friendly and you are encouraged that maybe this can work. You talk with them for a while and they get up to go and dance. After a few songs, they return to their seats next to you. A couple sits down on the other side of them and they turn to engage in conversation with them. You and your significant other walk around to join the two couples in conversation. They continue talking while you stand there. You don’t want to be rude so you patiently wait for them to introduce you to this couple. After a few minutes, nobody attempts to bring you into the conversation. You decide to go back to your seats at the bar.

A. No problem, in a few minutes they will turn back and chat with us.

B. Not looking good, they were just being friendly.
Don’t wait too long for this couple, it seems they have found a couple they prefer.

You meet a couple standing along side the dance floor. You try to engage them in conversation and although the wife is friendly, the husband is looking around while you are talking to him. He answers your questions but doesn’t ask you any. A few times you even had to repeat yourself because he didn’t hear you. His wife grabs his hand while you are talking to her.

A.  She’s hot and she’s friendly. She will persuade him to be with us.

B. Finding couples is harder than we thought. Let’s move on.

It’s B! When she grabbed his hand, she was trying to tell you something… He showed a clear disinterest from the get go.
You decide to dance and are enjoying the time with your wife. You notice a couple watching you and smiling. When you leave the dance floor they approach you at the bar. They are friendly and she greets you with a kiss on the cheek. The man is attentive to your wife and his wife is attentive to you. She plays with her hair while laughing at your jokes.

A.  This is it! We might actually have a chance with this couple!

B. They are just being friendly, I’m not sure if they really have any interest.

I hope you chose A! This was a gimme, a no brainer.

Believe it or not, we see this all the time. Couples who hang around when there is no chance what so ever that the couple they are clinging to have any interest in them. Sometimes all it really requires, is to pay close attention to what their body language is saying. If someone is standing with their arms crossed and a forced smile on their face, that should tell you that they are not interested. If someone touches you or is engaged in what you say, that’s a good sign. If they turn towards you and have a genuine (not fake) smile, think positive! If the person you are talking to is not making eye contact, walk away. If someone likes you, they will make you feel comfortable and important. They will be present in the moment with you. They will ask you questions and listen carefully to what you have to say. If someone is busy looking around to see what else is available, that means they have no real desire to be with you.

Although we always stress how important communication is, in this type of situation, nobody will tell you that they are not interested, it is just too rude. They will, however, do whatever they can with their body language to let you know. Non verbal cues are all you are going to get to let you know when a coupe is or is not interested. All you have to do, is pay attention to what it is they are trying to say.

Swinging should be fun but figuring out who wants to swing with you can sometimes be confusing! The more experience you have in the lifestyle the easier it will become! Good luck!

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Do women drink more alcohol than men at lifestyle events?

Woman drinking alcohol wearing Partners ID jewelry
Woman drinking alcohol wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

Do women in the lifestyle drink more alcohol than men at events and clubs?

Since prohibition ended in 1933 and alcohol was finally legalized permanently in the US, it has become a mainstay with most adults in America. It has become somewhat of a rarity to meet an adult who does not drink alcohol.

Alcohol has always been somewhat of a right of passage for young adults. Forbidden to kids when they are young due to their age, suddenly when they cross into adulthood, many indulge in drinking. Often times, young adults try to impress each other with their new found ‘maturity’ and will binge drink with friends on weekends.

As we get older, drinking usually becomes more of a social activity. Many adults will also use alcohol to relax and alleviate stress. Alcohol is known to instill a sense of social confidence and is known for loosening our inhibitions. Naturally, alcohol has found its place in the lifestyle for these reasons.

The majority of people who enter a swing club or attend a lifestyle event for the first time are inclined to drink alcohol as a way of relieving the anxiety of a new situation. Alcohol can be a sort of “liquid courage”.

We can relate to why people will drink more than usual when they find themselves in a new situation, but what happens when couples become regulars in swing clubs or at lifestyle events? Do they still drink more than usual?

Often times, it becomes apparent that women drink more heavily than men in these situations. Why is that? It can be a number of reasons:

Men tend to drink less to avoid “whiskey dick”, (according to the urban dictionary: when you’ve had too much to drink and have a girl back home and can’t get it up to perform the deed)

2. Men are often the “designated drivers” so they must take this into consideration when drinking.

3. Women generally feel less inhibited when drinking alcohol and so they tend to want a buzz to feel more sure of themselves and less reserved.

4. Most women, when they are new to the lifestyle, require a little time to reprogram their way of thinking. Alcohol dulls their moral compass and allows them to act in a way that they might not feel able to, if they were sober.

The big difference between men and women in these situations is two fold:

Men must be able to achieve and maintain an erection if they are going to have sex, whereas women (obviously) do not. Alcohol makes this difficult, if not impossible, for many men.

Many (or perhaps most) women were reared to equate sex with love. She now must change the way she thinks in order to relax and enjoy swinging. Having sex with a man who you have either met briefly or who is a total stranger, can be difficult when you first start swinging. Add in the public sex and your partner with another woman and it is a recipe which screams for another drink. Many women have said that even after years in the lifestyle, none of this would be possible without a fair amount of alcohol.

Men, on the other hand, are very different. Most men say that although they like to have a drink or two for their own pleasure, they absolutely do not “need it” to enjoy swinging. They have no compunction with having sex in public nor with their wives playing with other men. Most, in fact, find it a turn on to watch their wife getting it on with another man.

Unlike women, most men are able to separate sex and love and have mastered this skill at a very early age. Alcohol is not needed to help them to deal with emotional issues while playing, many simply feel it makes them more relaxed and allows them to be more social.

For these reasons, it is not uncommon to discover many women who are either buzzed or very drunk at lifestyle events. When alcohol elicits a euphoric effect and allows a woman to relax and enjoy herself, then alcohol has had a positive effect. When a woman is incoherent, passed out or just plain belligerent, this is obviously a negative consequence of alcohol and can be a disaster.

While most people drink for enjoyment, too much alcohol can have the opposite effect. When people are having a good time and things are going well, the need to over drink is not usually as prevalent. When someone is feeling overwhelmed or emotional, over drinking can seem like a helpful way to cope with the stress. Obviously, this usually ends poorly as the person either becomes sick, angry or curled up on a couch.

Blaming alcohol seems like an easy excuse when things go wrong in the lifestyle. Perhaps couples should take a step back and examine the reason for the alcohol abuse in the first place. If both the man and the woman are tuned into each other and taking steps to ensure each other’s happiness and comfort while at any lifestyle event, the negative effects of alcohol should be able to be avoided. If one part of the couple is drinking too much, the other should try to assess the situation and see what might be causing this. Sometimes a little time and attention is all that is needed to put your partner at ease.

As with all other problematic situations couples face in the lifestyle, communication can help clear the air and goes a long way to fixing problems.

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A lifestyle story from a swinger that is sure to make you cringe!

Naked woman in the lifestyle wearing Partners ID jewelry
Naked woman in the lifestyle wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

Dear Partners ID,

I read the story about the couple from New York who walked in half naked to their own surprise party and it brought back memories of our own nightmare. I think this story is at least as cringe worthy.

My husband and I had been in the lifestyle for about 5 years. We spent at least two days a week at the swing club near our home (about 20 miles), and were very comfortable there. The club was not large but it did attract a good crowd most nights.

We were heavy into swinging and went into the playroom almost every night we were in the club. Spending this much time in this club, we knew most of the people who came to the club and some of us were very friendly.

It was Halloween and for this club, it was always a very busy night. It was rare to see someone come to this club and not wear a costume. Some people were so dressed up, we could not tell who they were.

This particular night, a couple that we were very close with was in the club. My husband took the woman to dance and I walked over to a couch with the woman’s husband. We immediately started to kiss and fondle each other and things got hot quickly. He bent me over the side of the couch, lifted my costume and started to lick my pussy from behind.  Soon I could feel an extra set of hands caressing my breasts. I figured it was either my husband or the man who was nearby when we sat down on the couch. Before I knew it, the man is rubbing my clit while the other guy is eating me out and I have a very intense orgasm. I turned to kiss the man to say thank you for joining in when I realized who he was. It was my sister’s husband! My brother in law! OMG!

Needless to say I was completely shocked and traumatized! Our costumes made it difficult to see our faces so neither of us realized until after the fact.

Today the four of us laugh about it and my husband and sister are always joking that it is their turn.

By the way, I love the necklace you custom made for me, it’s perfect!

Kisses!
Dina and Joe
Swingers from Atlanta, GA

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Couples who communicate with each other are the happiest in the lifestyle.

Couple in the park showing they communicate with each other, wearing Partners ID jewelry
Happy couple in the park wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

Communication; why it is so important for couples in the lifestyle.

We frequently hear swingers asking what makes some couples more successful than others in the lifestyle. The number one reason why some couples are able to remain in the lifestyle for so many years always comes down to the same reason: they have learned to communicate with each other.

Although swinging can be a lot of fun, it can also cause a lot of pain. It is not easy for everyone to watch their spouse or significant other being intimate with someone else. We are programmed from the time we are very young to believe that intimacy takes place between two loving adults (usually married adults). When we start to swing, although it can be extremely exciting, it can also bring up a lot of issues between couples. Watching your partner in a passionate embrace with someone else can be confusing and intimidating. Many people who are new to the lifestyle will wonder “what if he likes her better” or “what if he is better in bed than I am”?

The worst way to handle these feelings is to keep them to yourself. Many couples do not discuss these feelings because they are, after all, in a swing club and this is what couples are there for, right? It is normal for your wife to squeal with delight while having sex (even if it has been a long time since she did this with you), right? Why say something when clearly she was having a good time. Sure, you feel a little hurt that she didn’t notice you couldn’t get an erection. You kissed her shoulder to get her to help you out but she was busy and didn’t seem to feel your touch.

So the night is over and you drive home in silence. You imagine she is replaying the wonderful time she had in her head. You want to talk about it but her eyes are closed and you don’t want to bother her. This scenario is the start of a problem. Keeping hurt feelings to yourself will only snowball over time. If you are not letting your partner know that something bothers you, how can they need to change the behavior for next time?

If a couple doesn’t rehash every encounter, it can lead to problems down the line. Even if both people were happy with the night, something should be said. This allows both people to talk about why it was good or bad and what could have been done differently. If it was a positive encounter then talk about why it worked for you both. If it was not positive, what was the problem and how can you avoid something like this in the future? Blaming your partner or becoming upset or hostile is not the best way to get your point across. Try showing your partner how it felt from your perspective while allowing them to do the same. Come up with a game plan for the future so that if you find yourselves in a similar situation, you both know exactly what to do to avoid a problem.

The real problems begin when although you are communicating the good and the bad, your partner continues with the same behaviors that have bothered you in the past. This should indicate to you that your partner does not have your best interest at heart. This says your partner is there on their own terms and this is a red flag. Good communication should result in more positive encounters. If this is not the case, something is wrong.

Every couple who swings, whether you are seasoned or newbies, full swap or soft, will have situations that arise at some point. Shying away from a frank conversation will never help to solve the problems. If you are afraid of upsetting your partner by letting them know how you feel, then something is very wrong with your relationship and perhaps swinging is not for you. Couples who are honest and upfront with each other have the best chance at long term success in the lifestyle.

Couples who communicate openly and honestly are the happiest couples both in and out of the lifestyle. When the two of you are able to express what works for you and what does not, there is never any reason to worry that your partner does not know how different situations make you feel. Good communication is the sign of a happy and mature relationship. It is proof positive that couples are committed to each other and are supportive of each other.

Just remember that good communication requires honesty. It is important to convey to each other what makes you happy and what types of things are hurtful. If a couple truly loves and respects each other, things should be much easier to navigate when you know exactly how each other feels.

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Is it possible to love the lifestyle but not like to swing?

Couple at a swing club wearing Partners ID jewelry
Couple at a swing club wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

Is it possible to love the lifestyle but not like to swing?

This is a question I have been asked more times than I can remember.  It must be confusing to people who are not in the lifestyle.  Perhaps the best way to consider this question is to break it down.  If you are a swinger, then you are in the lifestyle.  However, if you are in the lifestyle, it does not mean you swing.  Make sense?  The confusion probably stems from the fact that people use the word swinger and lifestyle interchangeably, but they really shouldn’t.

People who swing, engage in sexual activity (not necessarily intercourse) with people with whom they are not in a relationship.  Swingers are usually married or in a committed relationship and they play when their significant other is present (most of the time) or has given their consent to play without them.

Enjoying a free and open way of life defines people in the lifestyle.   They might be married or in a committed relationship and often spend time at events which include swingers.  It is common for couples who are in the lifestyle to go to swing clubs, swinger conventions, swinger hotels and take cruises with swingers on board.  Some are simply naturists, others might be into fetish or BDSM, many are voyeurs, some might be transgender or transvestites, some are polygamists, etc.

Why would people want to spend time with swingers if they themselves do not swing?

That’s a good question, so let’s consider why this might be.  Let’s say it is a typical Saturday night and you and your spouse decide you want to go out dancing.  Naturally the best place to dance would be a night club.  You choose a club either because of where it is located or because you have heard good things about it.  You get dressed up and head out for the evening.  You arrive, pay the doorman and head inside. The place is packed with many attractive and mostly very young people. There are couples dancing and sitting at the bar drinking. You spot a bunch of single girls throwing back shots on a couch and a couple of single guys watching them. You walk up to the bar, get drinks for you and your wife and try to find a place to sit down. You can’t find any empty seating area so you stand. A song comes on that you like so you put your drinks on the bar and head over to the dance floor. You dance a few songs, then return to the bar. Hmm. Is it safe to drink the drinks you left on the bar? You look around and nobody is paying any attention to you or your drinks. Better to buy a new one.   Luckily, after standing around for a few hours a seat opens up on a couch so you and your wife sit down and smile at the others seated near you.  They look at you like you’re nuts and turn their attention back to their partner.   The dj is pretty good so you head back out to the dance floor.  It’s hard to move because the dance floor is crowded with young people standing around talking and taking selfies.  A young man around the same age as your son flirts with your wife when she accidentally bumps into him.  His girlfriend looks your wife up and down and points her out to her friend.  They wonder loudly why she is dressed so slutty.  After a few hours of this, you head home. Boy, that was fun.

Now you go to a swing club the following weekend.  Let us pretend you have never been to this club before and you don’t know anyone who goes there.  After stopping at the desk to get a membership, the manager takes you on a tour of the club.  He might even stop and introduce you to some couples along the way.  He brings you to the bar and explains to the bartender that it is your first night in the club.  You give your bottle to the bartender and she pours you your drinks.  The place is crowded so you walk around to get a feel for it.  As you walk by a big seating area with couches a couple says hello.  They tell you there is room on the couch where they are if you want to sit.  They introduce themselves and ask you where you’re from.  A song comes on that you like and you look down at your drinks.  They tell you not to worry, they will watch the drinks for you while you dance.  When you are done dancing the two of you pick up your drinks and head over to the bar for a refill.  Your wife is waiting behind you when the girl seated at the bar compliments her on her shoes.  They start to talk and next thing you know you are chatting with a group sitting at the bar.

So far, which club sounds like more fun?  When vanilla people question me about swing clubs I always explain it like this:  A swing club is a place where couples go to meet other couples (or singles).  The people are friendly and open to meeting new people.  The majority of couples in any swing club are regular customers.  They might not be there every night or every weekend but it is a place they frequent.  When they walk through the door they are looking to have a fun night talking and dancing (maybe more) with other couples.  A regular club is a place where many single people go to meet other singles.  When a couple is there, they are isolated.  Nobody is at a regular night club looking to meet another couple (unless they are swingers).

So let’s return to the question about why someone might like the lifestyle but not like to swing.  The atmosphere in any lifestyle event is so much different from any other type of event, that once you have experienced it, you do not want to be out.  The friendly people, the non judgmental atmosphere, the fun times!  You really cannot compare this to anything else.  When you walk into a swing club, nobody will judge you.  It does not matter how old you are, how tall you are, how overweight you are, what you are wearing or where you are from.  People are open to meeting new people and rarely do I see people alienate others for any reason other than their behavior.

Many people enter the lifestyle with the intention of swinging.  Many couples do find that they enjoy swinging and that becomes their primary focus when attending lifestyle events.  Not everyone who tries swinging, however, actually enjoys it.  There are many people, both men and women, who discover that although their partners like to swing, they do not.  This seems to create confusion for couples.  I have heard many men ask how it is possible for their wives to say they like the lifestyle when they refuse to swing.  The answer seems obvious to me.  They like the sexy atmosphere, the sexy clothing and shoes and the open dialogue between couples.  Many women have said they like to have sex amongst other swingers, they just prefer not to join in.   Many people in the lifestyle are voyeurs and that would account for some of these people.  As for the others, playing side by side another couple and actually swapping, are two very different things.  Some people discover that they like every aspect of swinging with the exception of actually playing with other people.  They prefer to play with their own partner while still appearing to be swinging.

As most swingers figure out over time, every couple is different and what is good for one couple, might not be good for another.  As usual, the best course of action is to be upfront and honest, both with your partner, and other swingers.  This way, everyone is on the same page and there are no surprises!  So I guess it is possible to love the lifestyle but not like to swing!

 

If you are a swinger and you have young children, prepare yourself…

Surprised swinger couple wearing Partners ID jewelry
Surprised swinger couple wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you are a swinger and you have young children, prepare yourself…

We were all packed and ready to head out on our first trip to a lifestyle resort. “Pack lightly,” my girlfriend had told me, “there’s no real need for clothing at this place.”

Well, I listened to her advice and as my husband and I said goodbye to the kids and thanked his parents for staying with them, his mother looked concerned. “Where are your suitcases?”

So this is the life of a swinger. Always being cornered with questions you would rather not have to answer.

Like the time at the airport, when my suitcase was buzzing loudly enough for people in close range to hear. “Oh, that’s just my electric toothbrush” I said with a laugh. My 9 year old daughter was quick to let everyone know, “Mom, you don’t have an electric toothbrush.” Kids!

Back in the day when we watched blue ray discs, naturally my husband stocked up on porn. He carefully took them out of the original packaging and put them into old empty cases with old tv shows and movie names on the cover. He’s so smart, right? We thought so until our son decided to borrow a few to bring to a sleepover party at his friend’s house. He was about 12 at the time. Although his friends were delighted with what he brought, the boy’s parents were not quite as happy.

Swingers tend to stay out late when they have an opportunity to swing. Getting dressed after drinking and having wild sex can be a bit of a challenge, especially for women when they wear complicated outfits. Things get put on inside out, upside down, buttons don’t match, panties are lost, etc. The other problem is that your hair and makeup are never the same afterwards. This should not be a big deal, after all, it is the middle of the night (or the early morning hours of the next day) and who is going to see you? Do you have children? They will see you! Trust me, no matter how late it is or how quiet you are, they will not only see you, but they will have questions.

Most swingers are smart enough to realize early on in the game how to outsmart these little kiddies. We put our slut wear and toys in a locked closet. We hide the key and treat that closet like Fort Knox. It is never opened when a child is present, no matter how young they might be. That key is never retrieved when a child is within 50 feet of the bedroom door. So why is it that the moment of truth must arrive when you are entertaining your parents and in laws? This is the typical moment that you realize you cannot outsmart your children. It occurs when your darling little angel appears in the living room wearing a school girl outfit clomping around in a pair of your hooker shoes.

How about the little cutie that runs to the door when it rings and stands innocently looking up at the UPS man while you are signing for a package. She reaches over and tugs the bottom of his pant leg. He bends down to greet her and she says, “My mommy has beautiful jewelry on her private parts. Do you?”

We have all heard about the dog who finds a condom under the couch and retrieves it at the most inopportune moment imaginable. How about when your son piles a handful of condoms that he has located in the cabinet underneath your husband’s sink in the bathroom into his toy truck. He is so proud to show your neighbor how he can open the back of the truck and dump the goods onto the floor. Your neighbor laughs lightly and looks at you wondering why on earth you and your husband need condoms.

One of my little angels had an assignment at school to draw a picture of her family. Everything was fine until I look at the shoes the mom is wearing. They were red and giant. I asked her what kind of shoes those were and she said, “Like the ones in the closet. You know mommy, that closet.”

We were having dinner at a restaurant for my husband’s birthday and it was taking a long time for the food to come out. My son was restless so I gave him my cellphone so he could play a game while we waited. Next thing I know he turns the phone around and says, “This lady has big boobies!” I forgot that on our trip we had taken some photos with friends while at the beach. She was totally nude so when he turned the phone around I heard my mother in law gasp. When I act like I can’t imagine where that photo came from my son was quick to tell everyone there are more pictures!

The moral of the story is, if you swing and you have children, you can prepare all you would like, but trust me, they will think of things that you don’t. They will find what you hide and they will share with others what they know. It’s the chance you take!

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A unicorn explains why she is in the lifestyle and what she is looking for.

Unicorn wearing Partners ID jewelry
Unicorn wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This blog was written for Partners ID by Kennedy M., a single woman in the lifestyle.

Most swingers prefer to keep the fact that they are in the lifestyle to themselves.  At times it can be challenging, especially when we find ourselves in situations that are hard to explain.  Imagine how hard it would be for vanilla people to wrap their minds around a unicorn!

Not long ago, while taking notes in a board room for an important client, I received an email with a subject line that said it was an important message from Joe (a close friend’s name).  I was busy and did not look at the return email address.  As soon as we took a break for a few minutes I scrolled down and clicked on it.  To my surprise there was a close up picture of a black man’s dick.  Before I could click delete, a male coworker was standing behind my chair asking if that was my new boyfriend.

When I am not blogging about my lifestyle experiences I have a job that is quite vanilla; complete with meetings in board rooms and client lunches.  For obvious reasons, I do not discuss my private life where I work.  When colleagues ask what I did over the weekend, I usually tell them, “The usual; a movie, some dinner” etc.  I am single and the company I work for would be horrified if they really knew how I spend my weekends.

I am a unicorn, a single girl in the swinger lifestyle, for those who do not know the term.

I did not discover swinging alone, but found myself single after a lengthy relationship in which we were a swinging couple.  I was very much in love with my boyfriend and was heart broken when he ended it with little explanation.

I am not soured by this nor do I hate men.  I am, however, wary of putting my heart out there again in fear that I will find myself in the same situation.

When I was finally ready to go back out after the breakup, I returned to a place where I felt very comfortable in the past.  My former boyfriend and I were swing club rats and spent at least two nights a week in our local establishment.  We had a nice circle of lifestyle friends, many of whom had reached out to me after the break up.

My first night out alone was a little bit scary.  I was unsure how I would be received by some of the women.  I knew I was not looking to intrude on anyone’s relationship but would they know that?  I had never really known any unicorn but had heard some women speaking poorly about them in the past.  I did not want that to be me.

For the most part, the women were happy to see me and welcomed me with open arms.  One or two seemed a bit uncomfortable with all the attention the men lavished upon me (which I in no way sought out but as most unicorns will admit, it is hard to avoid).

The first few times I went to the club I felt a little awkward.  I needed people to make me feel like I belonged there.  It didn’t take long for couples (some I knew, some I did not) to ask me to join them in the back room.  After a period of time I started receiving invitations to parties.  I also started having men ask me to accompany them to the club when their wives were out of town.   I have always declined to do this but I do know other unicorns who have no problem with this.   Although I knew why I was there, I wasn’t sure others understood why I chose to make a swing club my night life of choice.  I overheard women asking each other what exactly I was looking for.

I will tell you “what I was, and still am, looking for.”  I love to dance, I love to dress sexy and I love to have fun.  I like to meet new people and I love to have sex; both with men and with women.  I like the comfort and the warmth of the lifestyle.  It’s a great place to go to as you do not need a date, or to make plans with others.  You just show up and hang with the people who are there.  You can spend an amazing night, have great sex and kiss the other people goodnight.  I can go home and sleep alone in my bed.  Nobody to answer to.  I can stay until 12 midnight or go home at 4am.  I can do what I want with no strings attached.  If I am looking for some one on one time, there are always single guys who are more than willing to spend the evening with a unicorn.  The best part is, I do not have to be alone with them.  We can choose a private room to play but I am not in a scary situation with a stranger.  If I want to be with a couple, no problem.  If I want a gang bang, that’s my choice.  The best part for me is that I leave alone.  I am not looking for a boyfriend or a husband or anything else.  I am looking for a good time.  That’s it, that’s all.  I can not speak for every unicorn as we are all individuals.  I have gotten to know a few who spend time in this swing club and we are not all on the same page.  I will not go into the back room with someone else’s husband if she is not in the club to approve.  Most of the other girls have no problem with that.  I also will not date a married man with or without the wife’s permission.  I will only play with someone’s husband if she is present, but even then, I prefer to make it a threesome.  Most unicorns I have met don’t really have any rules.  They are out for themselves and offer no apologies for what they do.  They prefer to be alone for a variety of reasons and although they love the attention they get in the clubs, for the most part, they are not looking for anything more than a good time.

I have tried to imagine how I would feel if there was a unicorn around when my boyfriend and I were together at the club.  We did not really know of any at that time so it is hard to say.  If unicorns are respectful of other’s relationships then there should never be a problem.  I would suggest making sure that if you choose this route you pay a lot of attention to the women.  If you are flirting with their husband and ignoring them, this will be a problem for sure.  Since you have no one to offer to them, you must flirt with them as a couple.  Always try to put yourself in the woman’s shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if the situation were reversed.

Unicorns are a great addition to the lifestyle if they understand the rules of the game.  Some think they are the stars of the club because they get a lot of attention.  Perhaps it would be better to just think of yourself as another component to the lifestyle.  Although we bring an added element to the lifestyle, the lifestyle could easily exist without us.

Nobody ever asks what single men are looking for in the club.  Why the double standard?  It seems a question I hear often regarding unicorns.   I am looking for sex just like they are.  I just happen to prefer the no strings attached variety.  I don’t want you to call me in the morning.  Really, I don’t.  More often that not, I also don’t want to play with you again.  It was fun once but I am not looking to repeat the experience regardless of how awesome it might have been.  I am not looking for you to cuddle with me or tell me how beautiful I am.  Please do not tell me about your problems and I will not bother you with mine.  The truth is, I don’t really care, I just want to enjoy my night out.

I do like to try new things and am very open minded.  Sometimes that seems to make some women feel  a little threatened.  I am not a slut or a whore because I am a sexual person.  When I was in a relationship I did not feel as free to explore things as I do now.  Perhaps that is why it is hard for you to relate, but that doesn’t really give you the right to judge.

People have asked me many times why I am not out looking for someone of my own.  It is a valid question but again, I am enjoying being by myself.  When I am ready to be in a relationship, I can assure you I will not be fishing for someone in a swing club.  Perhaps one day I will meet a nice single guy at a lifestyle event but who knows.  For now, I am very happy to be a unicorn and have no plans to change that any time soon.

 

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