A couple reveals that they have been exposed.

Lifestyle couple wearing siwinger jewelry

Well, it finally happened.  We were outed about being in the lifestyle.  

That’s right, after 8 years of sneaking around trying to be discreet, our secret is out.  Although we thought we did everything right, apparently someone figured out that we are swingers, and spilled the beans.  

Are you sure people know you are swingers?

Yes, someone confronted us and told us they knew.  Word gets around quickly when the gossip is this juicy.  We live in a rather densely populated city yet it is a small community.   An everyone knows everyone’s kind of place.

Why do you say, “It finally happened?”  

I think most people in the lifestyle are afraid that one day people will find out.  Obviously this is not something we wanted, but now we have to deal with the repercussions.  

Who told you?

When we were confronted with the news, it was over drinks at a friend’s home.  We were surprised when they invited us to their home, as we normally go out for drinks.   These are people who we see at least once a week for drinks, dinner or, brunch.  They had become suspicious of us when we became too busy to meet them on weekends.  We were scheduling time with them primarily during the week and they found that odd.  

Although they did not try to investigate, when they heard the rumors they immediately believed it was a possibility.  Seeing the photos from our online dating site sealed the deal.   

Do you mean the photos are not secure?

We assume the couple who discovered us was also on the site and saw our photos.  I guess they took screenshots and showed them to other people.  It is so disappointing that anyone would do that, but they did.  Clearly these are people who do not like us.

How did you react to the news?

When we were confronted, we were in shock.  At first, we tried to deny it but it was clear that people had seen the photos.  Our friends wanted to know why we would do this.  When the shock wore off, I asked them what that meant.  Why would we do what?  Explore a lifestyle that seemed of interest to us both?  Spend nights and weekends at parties enjoying new friends?  Opening up our minds to something different?  Trying something new together?

How did your friends react to your explanation?

The man was curious and asked a lot of questions while his wife was disgusted and angry.  She implied that it was my (the man’s) way of cheating on my wife.  Although my wife explained that we were doing this as a couple and decided together, our female friend was not buying it.  Of course, the photos did not help our case.  The majority were taken of my wife; some with other women and all in erotic poses.  

What is your take on your friends’ reactions?

My wife believes the woman felt threatened.  That somehow my wife feeling ok about exploring her sexuality and sexual prowess with me made her husband envious.  The husband seemed to find the whole thing interesting and enticing.  He was clearly looking at my wife with renewed interest.  He seemed to see her in a new light and his wife did not appreciate that.

How do you see your friendship with this couple in the future?

I can see the man reaching out to me on his own but as couples, we won’t see them again.  The woman is clearly not comfortable with what we are doing and prefers to cut ties with us.  Somehow I think she believes either others will find her guilty by association or is afraid of her husband will show interest in joining us.  

What about the rest of the people who now know that you are in the lifestyle?

I think had this happened a few years ago when we were new to the lifestyle we would have been much more upset.  Over the years we have made many friends who have become almost like family to us.  We have also grown to accept who we are and the fact that others might not understand our lifestyle choices.  Honestly, it is ok.  Although we had not planned to tell our families, we decided it was time.  No one seemed terribly surprised.  Thankfully our children are grown with families of their own. 

What is your takeaway from what has happened?

I am in no way surprised to find people judging us for what we do.  Most people in the lifestyle realize that vanilla people don’t accept swingers and do not want to be associated with them.  We will continue to hold our heads high and see what the future holds.  As an independent contractor, it is a possibility that it will impact my business.  For my wife, it is also a possibility that she could end up losing her job if they discover the truth.  It makes us both sad to see how afraid people are of what they don’t understand.  Worst case scenario?  We relocate and start fresh.

Thank you so much for your time and we wish you all the best in the future.  We are also sorry that you have to experience this.  

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New swingers tend to worry about being “outed”; should they?

New swingers peeking around corner; woman wearing Partners ID jewelry
Newbie peeking around corner; woman wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

Prior to entering the lifestyle, most new swingers tend to have the same concern:   what if we run into someone we know?  Will they tell other people they saw us?  It is normal for new swingers to worry about this, especially if they are looking to swing close to home.  Some people are well known in their community and even without disclosing their last name, people might readily recognize them.  It is normal to be apprehensive before getting started.

Prior to our first visit to a swing club, I was terrified that we would see people we know.  As it turned out, we did.  We saw four couples that we knew.  As soon as I spotted the first couple I grabbed my husband and told him we had to leave.  He insisted that it would be fine.  Within moments of my spotting one couple, they turned and saw us.  They walked right over and welcomed us to the club.  They were so warm and clearly happy to see us.  They then introduced us to a group of their friends.  When I voiced concern about  knowing so many people, they assured me that people are very discreet and would never discuss what or who they see at a swing club.

Most swingers will tell you that lifestyle events are filled with many couples but the theme is always the same:  what happens in the lifestyle, stays in the lifestyle.  Although there are couples who are open with their friends and families about the fact that they swing, the majority of swingers choose to keep this private.  Should new swingers worry about those couples talking freely about who they see when they are swinging?  Probably not because that would cause people to distrust them and keep their distance.

Many couples look to begin swinging by joining an online site for swingers.  It can be a bit daunting when the first thing the site asks the new swingers for is personal information and a photo.  Luckily, most sites do not require a photo of your face and names and addresses are used solely for payment purposes.  They all offer the option to choose a screen name and to post pictures that you are comfortable with.  Many sites offer private photo gallery options which allow you to keep your photos private.  To let others view them, you must give them a secret code to unlock the photos.  Online swinger sites make finding couples you already know very difficult.  Without asking a couple for their screen name, chances are you would not even find them if you looked for them.  The same goes for curiosity seekers; first they would have to pay to join, then finding people they know without knowing their screen names would be almost impossible.

While it is true that many swingers shy away from online profiles with no pictures readily available, not all do.  Some couples will understand your need for privacy, as many people on these sites have tech savvy children as well.  Although people will argue that the site is password protected, some folks out there will still be too worried to post photos.

Swing clubs are always a very easy way to get started in the lifestyle, but again, newbies worry that they will see someone they know.  This is always a possibility but again, if you are both at the club, you are both there for the same reason.  Chances are, you will become better friends because you already know each other.

What if you are a public figure of some kind?  This means other people will know who you are but you will not know who they are.  That seems to be the biggest concern of all for well known new swingers.  If you are someone who is in a position of power, what if people who work around you in lesser positions spot you.  Will they talk about it at work?  After all, that would be good gossip.  That is always a possibility but again, in order to out you, they have to out themselves.  In this case, being friendly and warm will serve you better in the long run.  It is less likely that people will talk about you if they like you.

There is never any guarantee that people will not somehow discover your secret life but that should not keep you from enjoying the lifestyle.  There are so many wonderful people who swing and they are not really interested in who you are outside of the lifestyle.  They, like you, are there to have a good time.  Life is too short to always worry ‘what if’!