Couples who communicate with each other are the happiest in the lifestyle.

Couple in the park showing they communicate with each other, wearing Partners ID jewelry
Happy couple in the park wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

Communication; why it is so important for couples in the lifestyle.

We frequently hear swingers asking what makes some couples more successful than others in the lifestyle. The number one reason why some couples are able to remain in the lifestyle for so many years always comes down to the same reason: they have learned to communicate with each other.

Although swinging can be a lot of fun, it can also cause a lot of pain. It is not easy for everyone to watch their spouse or significant other being intimate with someone else. We are programmed from the time we are very young to believe that intimacy takes place between two loving adults (usually married adults). When we start to swing, although it can be extremely exciting, it can also bring up a lot of issues between couples. Watching your partner in a passionate embrace with someone else can be confusing and intimidating. Many people who are new to the lifestyle will wonder “what if he likes her better” or “what if he is better in bed than I am”?

The worst way to handle these feelings is to keep them to yourself. Many couples do not discuss these feelings because they are, after all, in a swing club and this is what couples are there for, right? It is normal for your wife to squeal with delight while having sex (even if it has been a long time since she did this with you), right? Why say something when clearly she was having a good time. Sure, you feel a little hurt that she didn’t notice you couldn’t get an erection. You kissed her shoulder to get her to help you out but she was busy and didn’t seem to feel your touch.

So the night is over and you drive home in silence. You imagine she is replaying the wonderful time she had in her head. You want to talk about it but her eyes are closed and you don’t want to bother her. This scenario is the start of a problem. Keeping hurt feelings to yourself will only snowball over time. If you are not letting your partner know that something bothers you, how can they need to change the behavior for next time?

If a couple doesn’t rehash every encounter, it can lead to problems down the line. Even if both people were happy with the night, something should be said. This allows both people to talk about why it was good or bad and what could have been done differently. If it was a positive encounter then talk about why it worked for you both. If it was not positive, what was the problem and how can you avoid something like this in the future? Blaming your partner or becoming upset or hostile is not the best way to get your point across. Try showing your partner how it felt from your perspective while allowing them to do the same. Come up with a game plan for the future so that if you find yourselves in a similar situation, you both know exactly what to do to avoid a problem.

The real problems begin when although you are communicating the good and the bad, your partner continues with the same behaviors that have bothered you in the past. This should indicate to you that your partner does not have your best interest at heart. This says your partner is there on their own terms and this is a red flag. Good communication should result in more positive encounters. If this is not the case, something is wrong.

Every couple who swings, whether you are seasoned or newbies, full swap or soft, will have situations that arise at some point. Shying away from a frank conversation will never help to solve the problems. If you are afraid of upsetting your partner by letting them know how you feel, then something is very wrong with your relationship and perhaps swinging is not for you. Couples who are honest and upfront with each other have the best chance at long term success in the lifestyle.

Couples who communicate openly and honestly are the happiest couples both in and out of the lifestyle. When the two of you are able to express what works for you and what does not, there is never any reason to worry that your partner does not know how different situations make you feel. Good communication is the sign of a happy and mature relationship. It is proof positive that couples are committed to each other and are supportive of each other.

Just remember that good communication requires honesty. It is important to convey to each other what makes you happy and what types of things are hurtful. If a couple truly loves and respects each other, things should be much easier to navigate when you know exactly how each other feels.

Why you must be able to trust your partner in order to be successful in the lifestyle.

Woman with trust issues . All 3 wearing Parnters ID jewelry
Woman feels left out. All 3 wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

 

Trust is something that is vitally important for any relationship to be successful. Some people believe that trust is more important than love in order to sustain a healthy relationship with another person. According to dictionary.com, trust means the following:

1. Reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. Confident expectation of something; hope.
3. Confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit:

If you cannot rely upon or have confidence in the person you share your life with, there are sure to be problems between the two of you. Having trust in another person allows you to feel both confident and safe.

What are some of the ways in which people allow others to trust them?

For one, being dependable for you partner is critical. If your partner knows that regardless of the situation they can turn to you for help and you will be there for them, that helps to build a solid foundation. Supporting your partner is very important. If they need to talk to you about something, be available to them. Don’t diminish their feelings when they open up about something that concerns them. Even if something seems silly or unimportant to you, it might feel the exact opposite to them. Make sure your partner knows you care about them. Don’t just nod your head when they speak, listen to what they are saying and try to help them through the situation.

Trust is not built around control. If you try to control your partner, it makes them feel that you have no confidence in them. Allow them the freedom to do what is best for them and for you, without your interference. Show your partner respect by trusting them around other people. If something is bothering you, discuss it with your partner, not other people. Talking about your partner is never helpful in either resolving problems or in building trust between the two of you.

So how does trust come into play in the lifestyle? Most people believe that their fellow swingers have no trust issues with their partners. How can they? Swinging is built around the philosophy of an open marriage. Without trust, how could you possibly swing?

Trust is critically important in the lifestyle, perhaps even more so, than in the vanilla world. Swingers allow their partners to not only flirt with others, but to have sex with other people. The majority of their time spent in lifestyle venues is for the purpose of finding others to have sex with. If something is happening that makes one person uncomfortable, this could lead to disaster for the couple.

In order for swingers to be successful in the lifestyle, couples must be proficient in communicating with one another. Nothing can be held back when talking about the lifestyle. If one person is feeling insecure or uncomfortable about something, it must be spoken about immediately. Trust is the most important factor in determining the success or failure of a couple who decides to enter the lifestyle.

Often times one person is actually acting in a way that their partner finds offensive but to keep the peace, they let it slide. It is very important to make sure your partner comes first in the lifestyle regardless of how long the two of you have been swinging. From the moment you step foot into a swing club or party, you must remember you are a couple first and foremost. Make sure your partner is happy and comfortable at all times. Your partner must feel that you are there for them no matter what the circumstance. Does your partner need a refill for their drink, would they like to dance, do they like the people you are talking with? Are you paying attention to everyone except them? Is there a person you find attractive and are spending too much time watching them or trying to flirt with them? Although in your mind that is why you are at the club or the party, your partner might not appreciate the way in which you approach swinging.  A simple loving gesture from time to time goes a long way to letting your partner know you are thinking of them.  Hold their hand, a gentle kiss or even touching their hair will let them feel that you are thinking about them.

One of the best ways to ensure your partner will always be happy and comfortable is to consider how you would feel if the tables were turned. Always treat your partner as you would like to be treated. Jealousy is always a possibility in the lifestyle. Although couples always say neither of them gets jealous, this is not always the truth. In order to make sure your partner has no reason to feel jealous, let them know by your actions that they always come first. A united couple is a secure couple. Just like it is important for your partner to trust you, it is equally as important for potential swinger couples to trust you. Nobody wants to find themselves in a situation with a couple who is having problems. It can only lead to disaster for everyone involved and seasoned swingers can spot these couples a mile away.

Swinging is wonderful for couples who are honestly able to trust one another. One of the reasons some couples are so successful in the lifestyle is because of their honest communication. The talk about what they both feel comfortable with and what makes them uncomfortable. They speak honestly about what they like and dislike. Successful couples are like football players. They have a game plan and they stick with it. They have rules and boundaries regarding swinging. They talk about things before they arrive at an event and they rehash how things went afterwards. If something did not go as planned, they discuss how they could have done things differently. They operate as a team. They are in this together and it shows. These are the couples who have the best chance of success in the lifestyle.

Trust is something that people earn from others. When we first meet someone, we never know if we can trust them. It is over time, through actions and words that we discover that either this person is honest and we can rely on them, or they are not and we cannot have confidence in them. If trust was an issue prior to entering the lifestyle, swinging can exacerbate this problem tenfold. If this is an issue for your couple, the lifestyle is probably not the place for you.

Swinging seems to be so easy for some couples. What is their secret for success?

Smiling couple holding hands
Smiling couple holding hands

 

Swinging is an art that must be mastered.  Not every couple has an easy time navigating the ups and downs of the lifestyle.

Have you ever noticed that some couples seem so happy in the lifestyle?  They arrive at lifestyle events holding hands and they leave with a big smile on their faces.  What is their secret?

Swinging seems to be so easy for some couples. What is their recipe for success?

The most successful swingers are the ones with the best communication. They talk before, during and after every encounter they have. Swingers who are open and honest about how they feel get the most out of the lifestyle. That is not to say that they never have any issues when they swing; they do, the difference is they talk about it right away to clear things up for the next time.

What happens when you are not totally open with your significant other?

Some people say that they are shy and have a hard time telling their partner what works and what doesn’t when swinging. They don’t want to cause friction or upset their partner so they just go along. How’s that working for you?

As with any other aspect of a relationship, if you are not honest, your partner won’t know what is expected of him or her. If something your partner does bothers you, you must talk about it or you can’t expect it to change. It is also unfair to continually feel upset by behavior that you have not said bothers you. If, for example, it upsets you to see your significant other passionately kiss his playmates, but you have never told them, how can they know?

Sometimes things can go wrong right from the start.

Some people are natural extroverts. They walk into a room, a club, a party and they feel comfortable enough to talk with anyone. They are charming and usually quick to compliment others and put them at ease. Others are not so confident and require more time to warm up.
The shy person usually wants their partner to stay close by and include them in conversations. If the extrovert is not made aware of this, they will move about imagining their partner is fine on their own. This type of scenario is not going to leave the quieter person feeling very good about the situation right from the get go.

When things start off on the wrong foot, they tend to go from bad to worse.

If the evening starts off leaving one person feeling left out, this could be trouble. When one partner starts to connect or flirt with someone and their partner is not involved, don’t expect the one who is left out to cheer you on. If a couple is there to swap, it would be wise to discuss ahead of time if your intentions are to swap with another couple together, or if each person will be expected to fend for themselves. When one person decides to play, while the other is not connecting with anyone, how can you expect that person to be happy. This was something that should have been decided ahead of time. If someone does find themselves in this situation, it would be a good idea to talk about it after the fact, so it does not happen in the future.

What types of things might bother swingers that should be talked about?

Making love with your partner is something special between the two of you. What happens when you feel that your partner is “too much” with someone when they play? When your partner passionately kisses and locks eyes with someone else while in missionary position, does that bother you? When they lovingly play with someone’s hair after sex, does that feel too intimate? Does your partner do things when playing with someone else that you wish they would do with you? Does your partner encourage people to touch you without consenting you? Do they ever engage in sex with another couple and you are left to watch? If any of these things ring true, you must talk about it if you intend to continue in the lifestyle. Everyone’s feelings are valid. Even if you think your partner is over reacting or making something out of nothing, the problem must be discussed in order to avoid disaster.

Swinging does not come with a manual, so couples just wing it as they go.

It is true that swinging does not come with a manual, but it does require basic common sense. If most lifestyle excursions result in one person feeling hurt or confused, it is time to sit down and talk openly about what is happening. It is not ok to let it roll off your back until the next time. Nothing will change if you don’t set guidelines. If it bothers you when you partner dances with someone else and leaves you alone at the bar, speak up. If your partner spends hours talking with other couples in hopes of playing with them yet never looks to see if you’re on board, tell them. Does your partner flirt with every person they come into contact with? That’s great, unless it bothers you.

It is important to be crystal clear about what is ok and what is not.

Does your partner constantly make all the decisions when you swing? Couples must make joint decisions regarding the lifestyle if both are to be happy. If one partner calls all the shots, how can the other person be happy? Who you swing with, when you swing and where you swing should be something couples decide together. If your partner is not asking you what works for you, that is not a good sign. You must let your partner know what is ok and what is not.

Happy couples are couples who are on the same page.

If couples want to enjoy the lifestyle together, they must talk openly about swinging. Don’t expect your partner to know how you feel if you don’t tell them. If you have an open dialogue about where you are going and how you will swing, there are no surprises. If you communicate your feelings regarding single men and women, swinging side by side or in separate rooms, swinging with couples, etc., both of you will know what to expect.

Swinging can be a wonderful thing, but it can also be a very difficult thing to navigate. For couples who are completely open and honest with each other, their chances of success in the lifestyle are very high. If, however, you continue to expect your partner to read your mind and instinctively know how you are feeling, things will never go well. Honesty and open communication are key to enjoying the lifestyle. Once you and your partner understand what makes each other happy, and more importantly not happy, you will be able to relax and swing with confidence.