Pardonnez moi, es ce que vous parlez français? (No, I do not speak French either, but their language is specific with regard to the lifestyle and swingers.)

 

When someone announces that they are a swinger, it leaves those of us in the lifestyle to wonder what that means to them.  We have all had those experiences where we spend the entire evening talking, laughing and dancing with another couple with the expectation that it will lead to a good time in the backroom, only to find out the other couple does not play.  It occurred to us that perhaps there should be a different terms for people who enjoy spending time at swing clubs or resorts but are not actually swingers.
It seems the French language is much more precise than the English language.  For example:  in English, we will say we ‘parked in the sun’ and we are ‘taking a shower’.  For those who speak French, after they look astonished at what we are  physically capable of, will inquire as to what exactly that means?   You parked your car in the sun?  Did it burn?  If you take a shower, where will I shower?  Will you return it?
‘Ce qui n’est pas clair n’est pas français’, coined by the 18th century writer Antoine Rivarol, became a pet phrase in French schools: ‘if it’s not clear, it’s not French’, though ‘it could be English, Italian, Greek or Latin’, he added.*
This lack of clarity is quite evident when it comes to the lifestyle.  Calling ourselves “swingers” is an odd term and trying to determine the origin of this is almost impossible.  There are an abundance of articles written about where the term originated, yet not of them seem to agree on how people came to use the term swingers.
The realization that we need clarity became obvious when we started selling the jewelry.  Quite a few couples informed us that they could not wear the jewelry because they are not swingers.  That would seem normal except several of these couples are routinely in one of the swing clubs where we sell the jewelry.  Why are you regulars in a swing club if you are not a swinger?  They consider themselves in the lifestyle but they do not swing.  As far as the jewelry is concerned, it is simply to identify you as someone who is in the lifestyle; to open the door of communication with another couple, or single, who is also in the lifestyle.  It is not meant to spell out what your preferences are in the lifestyle as that would alienate people from each other and we are looking to unite people.
This is where the French language has it all over us.  They have four different words to describe the four most common types of lifestylers:
1.  Voyeurisme  (Les voyeurs) – In English we call them voyeurs and it is defined as the practice of obtaining sexual gratification by looking at sexual objects or acts, especially secretively.  There are certainly many of those in every swinger venue I have ever been to.  They like to watch others having sex and frequently they prefer to watch their own spouse play with someone else.   Generally speaking, voyeurs do not swing.
2.  Echangisme  (Les echangistes) – In English we call them swingers which is defined as a person who engages in the exchanging of spouses for sexual activities.  These couples swap and look for others who do the same.
3.  Melangisme  (Les Melangistes)- There is no true English term for them.   These couples like the atmosphere of the lifestyle and enjoy swing clubs.  They act sexy and provocative, may enjoy kissing and petting, but do not swing.  Frequently they are seemingly the most open couples but upon closer observation they are predominantly staying attached to their partner while teasing other couples.
4.  Triorisme  (Les Trioristes)- This term refers to couples who strictly look for a single male or female to play with .  Usually one member of the couple is controlling the entire situation from who they choose to play with to how they play as a threesome. These couples do not play with couples.
5.  Le Monde Libertin – This is the most important term to note.  This term encompasses all four groups mentioned above:  Voyeurisme, Echangisme, Melangisme, Triolisme.  The term is solely used to indicate that people are a part of a swinger lifestyle and for nothing else.  In English the term lifestyle is vague and confusing as the word lifestyle can mean many things to many people.   According to Dictionary.com, the word lifestyle means:  the habits, attitudes, tastes, moral standards, economic level, etc., that together constitute the mode of living of an individual or group.
Although we can consider people who swing to be a part of a lifestyle group, the ambiguity of the term does not alert people to any certain group when they hear the word. The term is frequently used to describe wealthy people who jet around the world, own expensive homes and yachts and prefer to mingle with others of their own socio-economic status.   It is worth mentioning that people who swing may not have anything else in common besides their open attitudes regarding sexuality and conduct, which somewhat invalidates the definition of the word lifestyle with regard to swingers.
The “lifestyle” jewelry, which we sometimes refer to as “swinger” jewelry, was  developed with Le Monde Libertin in mind. The jewelry is intended for everyone who enjoys any aspect of the swinger lifestyle and would like to meet other like minded adults.   It is simply identification that alerts others who recognize the pendant that you too, are in this lifestyle.  Once couples meet each other because of the jewelry, they can discuss what they are looking for without fear of judgement.
Perhaps now that true “lifestyle” jewelry exists, which like Le Monde Libertin, is only intended to be worn by people who understand the concept, someone will come up with a term in English that identifies people in this lifestyle and means nothing more.  Just like their is no ambiguity as to why someone is wearing the jewelry, there should be a clear word to alert others as to what we are about, and only us.  The jewelry was developed only for people in this lifestyle and is only sold to people in the lifestyle.  When you see the pendant, there is no guess work involved.
*French: precise, romantic, influential, close to English By Professor Michael Kelly 05 September 2014
French: precise, romantic, influential, close to English | British Council

Lifestyle friends are the best friends you can have!

 

3 lifetsyle friends wearing Partners ID jewelry, smiling
3 lifetsyle friends wearing Partners ID jewelry, smiling

Lifestyle friends are the best friends you can have.  It occurred to me this morning when I got a call from a friend in the lifestyle.  This friend and her husband were away for the week and she wanted to catch up.  The  conversation opened with her telling me that she had finally tried double penetration during their stay at a lifestyle resort.  She then filled me in on all the sexy details of their trip.  She gave me blow by blow details of the parties, the playrooms even what she wore to the different events.  Luckily her husband had packed some viagra because towards the end of their stay he was in need!

When I hung up the phone I was smiling just thinking about all the fun they had.  Just then, my phone rang again and it was a very good friend who is not in the lifestyle.  When I asked how her weekend was, she told me it was great.  They had dinner with her husband’s law partners on Friday and went to a wine tasting on Saturday.  On Sunday she took a yoga class and that was all she had to report.

Hmm.  I wonder if they had sex.  I was tempted to ask but decided not to as it is not something we generally talk about.  She asked me how my weekend was and I said it was nice.  We went to a swing club on Friday and rolled home around 3:30 in the morning.    Saturday we hosted a party at our home and within an hour of our guests arriving, we were all naked in the hot tub having sex.  Some guests slept over and the party continued until late Sunday night.  Of course, I told her none of that but instead said we did the usual, nothing special, which in essence, is true.

When I was done on the phone it occurred to me that there is such a huge difference in my relationship with these two women.  One woman I have known for the past 25 years and the other for about two years.  I have had sex with one of their husbands, the other I have not.  I have played with one of the women, the other I have not even kissed.  We have shared everything from husbands, to underwear to sex toys.   My lifestyle friend knows the true me.  When I have a real issue, it is she to whom I turn, not the friend that I have known for 25 years.  That says a lot.

The depth of the relationship between lifestyle friends and vanilla friends cannot compare.  It was the first time I realized how well my vanilla friend would say she knows me when in fact, she does not really know very much about me at all.   When you must keep a secret that is such a huge part of who you are from someone, is that friendship not slightly tainted?

I think everyone in the lifestyle at some point, considers telling either friends or family about swinging.  Most people never reveal this to anyone in their outside life because they do not think people would find this acceptable.  They prefer to keep that part of their lives a secret, which is totally understandable.  There is no doubt that there are people who would not be okay with what swingers do.  Is that a reason to break a friendship?  Swingers are not looking to lose their vanilla friends because they swing but are their vanilla friends going to drift away if they find out?  Do men and women differ on this?  Are men more curious and less judgmental than women?

When we were new to the lifestyle we did confide in a couple that were close friends at the time.  We were not as available as we had been in the past and they were concerned.  Obviously they were shocked when we told them that we were spending time at a swing club.  It was awkward to get through dinner with them because after we confided in them,  the woman became very quiet.  The man waited until the next day and phoned my husband at work to ask him all about it.  He wanted to know if we would invite them to come with us to the club one night.  Clearly, this couple was not on the same page.  The woman basically disappeared from my life after that night and her husband remained friendly with my husband.

When you think about a “good friend” walking away because of your lifestyle choices, it makes you question the integrity of the friendship.  What does the fact that we swing have to do with our vanilla friends?   We haven’t actually changed as people.  We do enjoy activities which might not seem right to them but should they be judging us?  They were friendly with us for many years not having a clue that we went to strip clubs very often.  Having weekly lap dances by girls did not seem to make me lesser of a friend, but I suppose it’s because they did not know about it.

Lifestyle friends are more honest.  They are honest with their spouses and they are honest with themselves.  They are not afraid to be open and it makes for an incredibly enriching relationship.  Even if double penetration is not my thing, I would never judge her for participating in it.  It’s her body and her decision.  The best part is she knows I would never judge her for anything she chooses to do as long as it isn’t hurting anyone.    There are women who love to be a part of a gang bang.  They want upwards of 5, 10 maybe 15 men to have sex with in one night.  Never have I heard anyone in a swing club judge these women for what turns them on.  Who are we to judge?

Most couples would agree that over time the lifestyle creeps up on us and before we realize it, the majority of our friends are swingers.  Dinner parties for us do not include food and it doesn’t really matter what you are wearing to a party because it won’t stay on for long.  Sleepovers are common occurrences and we think nothing of sharing lube and sex toys.

My friend and her husband spent a weekend at our home not too long ago.  We naturally played with each other’s husband and after she asked me if I enjoyed it.  I said I did and she said, “I just wanted to make sure he took care of you or I would be mad at him.”  Of course, she was joking but is that not a good friend?    When I told her how I felt she said, “That’s what friends are for, no?”

Lifestyle friends are the kind of friends that you can count on for just about anything.  Although we share the sexual side of our lives with each other, that is not all it’s about.  It’s a community of close knit friends who can sit on each others laps on a nude beach and drink from each others glasses without anyone giving you a funny look.

With these friends you can say what’s on your mind and nobody will judge you for it.   If you give your friend’s husband a back massage (or blow job) there is no jealousy or concern.  You can speak openly about something of concern and you will notice ten people trying to help you sort things out.  Lifestyle friends are old enough to be our parents and young enough to be our children, yet age is not a factor in our friendship.

It’s a wonderful thing to know that there is a whole community out there that has your back.  Sure, vanilla friends can be wonderful, supportive and warm, but if they can’t know your true essence, they can only be so close.  I don’t keep secrets from my lifestyle friends but I cannot say the same about my vanilla friends.  That says it all.

Lifestyle jewelry makes the perfect gift for both your lifestyle friends and lovers!  Check out the jewelry here:

https://www.swingersjewelry.net/jewelry-for-swingers/

We are getting  new pieces in almost every day for the holidays so be sure to check back often.  Don’t see what you are looking for?  We custom design jewelry to meet your every need.  Simply send us an email and we will work with you to get what you want.

 

 

 

 

 

The Bliss lifestyle cruise is getting ready to set sail. Are you ready?

Woman on a lifestyle cruise wearing Partners ID jewelry
Woman on a lifestyle cruise wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

 

Bliss Cruise is getting ready to set sail in less than 2 weeks!  Are you ready?!

Many couples have signed up for and have spent months getting ready for what should prove to be a very memorable cruise.  What could be more exciting than planning for a fun filled week on a beautiful ship with so many like minded adults?  Thoughts of days spent lounging around a spectacular pool with other sexy couples, delicious food and drinks galore are enough to get anyone in party mode indeed.

Lifestyle cruises have become extremely popular both with swingers and naturists.  The swingers love it because it allows them to be both nude and enjoy swinging with other couples.  The naturists love it because of the clothing free option these ship allow.

What could be missing from this very sexy image?

The ability to know at first glance who the swingers are.  That brings us back to the same old question swingers have been asking for years:  how can we know which people to approach?  As people in the lifestyle know, naturists are not swingers and do not appreciate being hit on.

So how can we distinguish swingers from naturists?

What could be easier than wearing a necklace, bracelet, anklet, earrings or even a temporary tattoo, to let others know that you are there to party?  If you already own a piece of Partners ID jewelry, don’t forget to pack it!  If not, you might want to order yours now so you will have it in time for the cruise!  Planning to visit Trapeze before sailing?  Our jewelry is for sale there as well.

All of our jewelry is high quality and designed with an active lifestyle in mind.  The pedant (and most of the jewelry) is constructed of stainless steel so it is ok to get it wet!  The idea is to have fun and know who else is on the same page without having to ask!

Bon Voyage!

You still have time to order!  Visit our online store here:  https://www.swingersjewelry.net/jewelry-for-swingers/

 

 

Swinging; how do I bring up the topic to my significant other?

Wearing Partners ID jewelry is a good way to meet others in the lifestyle.

The most common question asked of swingers seems to be, “How do I get my husband/wife/girlfriend, etc. into the lifestyle?”  There are many people out there who know about swinging and would like to swing, but don’t know how to bring up the subject.

We have gotten quite a few emails from people who actually ask us this question. I’m not sure how I became the “Dr. Ruth” of swinging but I really don’t mind trying to help.

The majority of the time, this question comes from a man, but we have had women ask us as well. The interesting part is that several of the people said the same thing. We talk about having sex with others when we are having sex and she seems really turned on by the thought.

It is always a good sign if you have a good sexual relationship and can talk about things before you bring this up. It would seem to me that when you approach the subject, it should not be in the bedroom. Many people like to fantasize to get excited but are not really prepared to act on these erotic imageries. Several men said their wives get very turned when talking about having sex with multiple men at once. The operative word here is talk. There is a good chance that she is not prepared to actually do this in real life. So how can you make this happen?

Try talking about how much you love when she/he is so turned on when the two of you have sex. You love that she likes to watch porn or to fantasize and it is amazing that the two of you can share this together. Mention that something you have always fantasized about was seeing other people have sex. Live sex, not on tv. How hot would that be?  This way you mention your desire to find a place where you can actually watch others having sex, but you are not making your partner feel that they will have to be a part of it.

Check her reaction to a suggestion such as watching live sex. Does she look at you like you are crazy or does she have a flicker of interest? If you get the ‘you’re crazy’ look, drop it and mention it again in a few days. This time maybe say you came across this swing club online or in a magazine or a newspaper. After a while, she might get used to the thought and should be willing to just go and take a look. Again, it is extremely important to let her know that you just want to see it. That is all you want. This is, the first step.

Most women I have met in the lifestyle agree that it was not their idea to enter a swing club or check out any type of lifestyle venue. It is almost always the man’s suggestion. However, I will tell you that the woman is the one who requests to return. That being said, the major obstacle for most couples, is getting your partner to walk through the front door for the first time.

The smartest approach for many men seems to be to give the woman control of the situation from the very beginning. When you are able to get her to agree to try it out for one night, encourage her to buy something new that will make her feel good. It is not important that she dress overly sexy, only that she feel good about herself. Try not to be overly eager about getting to the club or event. If you take a more casual attitude towards going, it will make her less nervous. Most important of all, is when you arrive for the evening, make sure she is your number one priority. Check to make sure she is comfortable. Make her feel special and attractive. If you walk in and start ogling all the other women, she will not like the environment from the get go. It is ok to be friendly, but let her take the lead and decide who she is comfortable talking to or not talking to. The same goes for a woman bringing a man. If you start to flirt with other people right away, your partner will feel insecure. Swinging must be about the two of you as a couple. If you leave your partner in the background during your visit, chances are, you will not be returning to any type of lifestyle event with them in the future.

The lifestyle is an amazing, exciting and warm environment. There is no real reason why anyone would not enjoy it, as long as it is approached the right way. The number one problem that couples seem to have, which stops them from ever getting comfortable in the lifestyle, is jealousy. Nobody enjoys feeling insecure or left out. If you do not make it a priority to see to it that your partner is comfortable, they will not want to put themselves in this situation again, and who can blame them?

When you are new to swining, it is very important to take your time. Do not enter the lifestyle and think you should swing right away. It is more important to get adjusted to the situation before you take the plunge. Make sure that when you think you are both ready to take the next step, you have discussed it and know what you are both comfortable with. Always make sure to notice if your significant other is ok if you do swap with another couple.

At the end of any night together it is a good idea to talk about the experience to make sure she/he was happy and comfortable with what happened. As long as you keep the lines of communication open from the start, you should have no trouble joining the lifestyle and making it a smooth transition. Swinging should be something wonderful for both members of a couple. It cannot work if one person is dragging the other person into it against their will.

Good luck and keep us posted!!

When one of the couple wants out of the lifestyle…now what?

You and your spouse have been in the lifestyle for quite some time when all of the sudden, she wants out. Now what?

It is perhaps something that happens more frequently than we know. How often do you take a step back and realize you haven’t seen so and so in a while? Remember that couple? Whatever happened to them? The lifestyle, although it encompasses a lot of people, is actually a small community. If you reflect back, you will realize you have seen many couples come and go; couples you thought were in the lifestyle forever, have actually slowly drifted away.
So how does this work? One morning the wife or husband wakes up and tells their spouse that she has had enough, she does not wish to remain in the lifestyle. For many of us, over time, the lifestyle takes over our social lives. We start to build friendships here because this is where we spend our nights and weekends. Our vanilla friends would never understand so we put some distance between us and them so they will stop pressuring us to make time for them on Friday and Saturday nights. Our sex lives have become full and exciting with new possibilities every night we are out with our lifestyle friends. The conversations are sexier, there’s touching and flirting and the ability to be completely open and free. Now she wants to give that up and go back to the way it was before. She assures you the sex will still be great, but somehow you know that your wild and crazy nights of sex are about to become a thing of the past. The 4-5 nights a week will start to dwindle down to a few times a month. You even suspect your lifestyle friends will only make time to see you during the week so they can be with their lifestyle friends on the weekends.
I have known some couples who have left the lifestyle and stayed out for a year or two. Eventually they got bored and returned. I do know others who got divorced, but I do not personally know couples who were really vested in the lifestyle who left, stayed married and just turned to other interests. I would like to think that there are couples who have done this. It would seem to me that it would take a lot of patience on the husband’s behalf (or the wife’s) but with time and understanding I’m sure it can be done!

I think one of the most important things to do in this situation is to figure out why one person wants out. If everything was going so well it is hard to imagine that someone would just wake up one morning and change their mind. Is there some kind of jealousy or insecurity involved? Perhaps you have not really been paying attention because you are too busy fulfilling your own needs or desires and did not notice she was unhappy.  Is she doing things to please you?  Sometimes we get so caught up in our own fantasies that we forget that this desire belongs to us and not to our significant other.

Do you push her to do things that perhaps she doesn’t really enjoy?  It is not uncommon to hear men say how much their wife or girlfriend loves gang bangs or double penetration when the truth is, they are doing it only to please their husband or boyfriend.  This is a slippery slope and inevidably will end poorly.  Take time to assess that the lifestyle is fair for the both of you.  Make sure you take the time to consider if your partner is loving everything as much as you are.

Perhaps this is about age or weight or some other insecurity that has become a problem.  When your partner doesn’t feel good about themselves, the lifestyle can be difficult.

Maybe she is a ‘go with the flow’ type of girl but inside, when it’s enough, it’s enough. You have to know your spouse and you have to always pay attention to what is going on with her when you are out. Chances are, this has been building up for some time and she has finally reached the end. For couples who spend all of their weekends in lifestyle venues it is probably a good idea from time to time to ask your spouse if they would like to do something else that night or weekend.  If she insists that she is happy to go to a swing club or party maybe you should make it a point to make some of these evenings just about her. Sure, there are a lot of willing and sexy girls around, but making her feel like the most special one is very important. Without this, you just might find yourself in this situation.

Do all of your vacations revolve around the lifestyle? How about just a vacation for the two of you to reconnect?  It goes a long way to make your partner know that they come first.  Spending some quality time away from the lifestyle is an important way to show your partner how you feel.

It’s always a good idea to have a conversation, from time to time, reminding them that the lifestyle is just a part of your relationship.  That your relationship is much more important than swinging.  Sometimes just hearing from your partner that they would be totally fine leaving the lifestyle, makes you feel secure.

So what if you have tried everything but she still wants out of the lifestyle?  Where does that leave you? What if you absolutely cannot imagine being out? Do you cheat? Try to hang on to lifestyle friends in the hopes they can help sway her to come back? It’s probably best to try to fix the problem and maybe in the future she will go back. Then again, maybe she won’t. It would be sad to think that a marriage cannot survive the departure from the lifestyle, after all, it is only for fun, right?

If couples understood why people cheat, would they consider swinging?

As a swinger, when I spend time with my vanilla girlfriends, I am always paying close attention to what they say and how they behave when somebody brings up the subject of sex.

My friends do not know that I am in the lifestyle so bringing up the subject of swinging is a very delicate matter. It is very rare that it comes up, but at our latest get together, I couldn’t resist.

The topic of conversation was infidelity. One of our mutual friends is in the process of divorce because she recently discovered that her husband was cheating on her. Almost all of the other women agreed that this would be grounds for divorce in their own marriages. They would not care if it was a one time thing or a long standing affair, it is something they all agree is unforgivable.

I listened to them rant for quite awhile about men being dogs and not being able to keep it in their pants, etc. I asked them if they really think it is only a male problem. While they all agreed that it is not, they all vehemently denied that they had ever cheated or even contemplated sleeping with a man other than their husband. These are women who are all over 40 years old!

I looked around at each one of them and told them that it was impossible for me to believe that they had never been attracted to another man since the day they had gotten married. “You mean to tell me that you have never fantasized about another man?” (I wanted to say or woman, but was too afraid to open that can of worms.)

Most of them admitted that they had fantasized about men over the years but not to the point that they would act on it. I asked them if they ever did act on it, did they think it would change the way they feel about their husbands or would it simply be a physical release.

I asked them if they thought it was possible that a man could have sex with another woman, yet be completely in love with his wife? Better yet, could a woman have sex with another man and still love her husband? Are sex and love mutually exclusive?

The fascinating thing is that when the question was asking women if they could have that fantasy sex and come home to their husbands, I could see the wheels turning while they considered that. Wouldn’t it simply be a physical act? The men you fantasize about, are you hoping to share your life with him or have a quickie?

As the group fell silent in contemplation, I pushed on. What about swingers? I asked. From what I have read (I explained), they seem to be able to find the balance between their love for each other and having sex with others. Does this type of a lifestyle possibly eliminate a need to cheat? I turned to the woman who is now in the process of divorce. Do you think perhaps if the two of you were in the lifestyle this would not be happening?

None of the women were open to the thought of swinging, as far as I could tell, but at least they were considering what I was saying. Does it make sense to break up marriages and families over a sexual encounter?

The women explained that it was less about the sex and more about the betrayal of trust. So my next question was, “If your husband had told you he wanted to have sex with someone else, would you be open to it?” They all shook their heads no. Then I am confused. The anger stems from the trust issue, yet if their husbands were honest, it wouldn’t change anything. Seems to me like a no win situation. Perhaps the thought process for someone who is looking for something different resorts to cheating because they might get away with it. If they cannot discuss this with their partner, they feel out of options.

This, sadly, seems to be a cornerstone of contemporary marriages. Fidelity sounds like a wonderful and romantic concept, but in the 21st century, it seems almost ridiculously outdated. That is not to say that there aren’t many couples out there who manage to remain married and faithful, but are they happy? Are they faithful by choice or out of fear of the repercussions?

I asked the women if they could honestly say that they believe their husbands have never thought about cheating (as they seemed to believe that they had not already done so). Most of the women said that their husbands had probably been attracted to another woman at some point and might have considered cheating. I asked what kept them from acting on it. They all said the same thing: my husband knows if I catch him cheating I will leave him. So women feel comfortable suppressing their husbands sexual desires by threatening them with consequences. Is this healthy? More importantly, is this really love?

I think most swingers would agree that by allowing their spouses to be able to have sex with other women, on some level, we are expressing love. We are happy to see our husband happy. We understand that it is not realistic to be able to be the only person our significant other is ever attracted to or wants to have sex with. The same goes for women. If our husband allows us the opportunity to be with other men, why would we cheat? True love is so much deeper than sex and it is a shame that the concept seems to be lost on so many people.

There is no doubt that during this lunch date my friends were all eyeing me suspiciously. I clearly was not on the same page as they were with regard to sex and marriage. I do think, however, I was able to give my soon to be divorced friend something to think about. While I totally understand the importance of trust in a marriage, I also understand the importance of communication. If her husband had tried to express his desire to have sex with another woman, they would probably be in the same position they are now. She is angry and hurt because she cannot understand why she isn’t “enough” for him.

This is where swingers have a healthier perspective. As we’ve all heard the common saying: Show me a beautiful woman and I will show you a man who is tired of having sex with her…
We can substitute man for woman and vice versa, but the meaning is the same. Humans are essentially not monogamist, and until we accept this, this conversation will go on indefinitely.

Check out our new jewelry! Stop wondering, start playing! https://www.swingersjewelry.net/jewelry-for-swingers/

Vanilla friends vs. lifestyle friends; who is more fun?

Woman wearing Partners ID bracelet bored by vanilla conversation
Bored woman wearing Partners ID bracelet

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love our vanilla friends, really, I do, but a night with them can be very long!

Vanilla friends are great.  We have had some vanilla friends for many years and although they might suspect we are in the lifestyle (or something, they’re not sure exactly what we are up to), we have never spoken about it with them.

We try to go out from time to time with our vanilla friends as we hold them dear and do not want to lose their friendship.  However, as much as I like them, spending too much time with them can be a drag.  The conversations can sometimes seem so pointless and boring that I stop paying attention and my mind wanders.  I find myself wondering if they still have sex, if they still enjoy it, if she dresses up for him, etc.  

Finally, at one point during the evening, one of the men tells a joke.  The joke is:  ‘How does a man know if he needs to take Viagra?’  The answer: ‘Just put him in a room with a hot, naked, younger woman and he will know right away.’

As soon as he finished telling the joke, he apologized and explained that it is really just meant for men to hear.  (You can imagine my expression.)  I told him that I disagreed with both the joke and the notion that women shouldn’t hear it.  My husband was cringing and poking my leg, trying to subtly remind me that we were with vanilla folk.  I explained that the joke could be used for women as well.  Put a young, hot naked guy in a room with a middle aged woman and see if she gets turned on.  The first comment from vanilla man:  Women don’t have to get an erection to have sex so it doesn’t make sense.  I pointed out that women have to get wet and he quickly told me that this is what lube is for.  I started to explain that it might surprise him that women can get wet when turned on but realized better to avoid this conversation altogether.  

The other part of this joke that I disagreed with was the notion that you put a married, middle aged man (who may or may not need Viagra) with a young, naked woman and he will instantly get an erection.  As most of us have seen in the lifestyle, it rarely works like that.  Nothing seems to kill an erection like a situation such as this.  When men feel the pressure to perform, this is when he most likely will need that Viagra.  Most men who are new to swinging will tell you they never missed an erection until they found themselves in this situation.  I did not share this information with the group.

That was the only time anything interesting was spoken about.  I am not a complete pervert and do not need to talk about sex to find a conversation interesting, but here are a few of the other topics we touched on that evening:  What time we go to bed and wake up, the moon, our children, fabrics for sofas, driving too fast, cars, how iguanas are now visible around our neighborhood, etc.  There were times when I thought the conversation might become more titillating, but it never took that direction.

Some of these couples spend several nights each week together and I wondered what on earth they talk about.   I wanted to try to provoke them by bringing up a spicier topic but was afraid it was the alcohol and chose to keep quiet.   I do remember one time in the past asking them if their children ever spoke with them about sex.  It was like a tennis match where everyone’s head turned in unison to look at me.  Not really, they all agreed.  They didn’t even ask if mine do…

Although I do like my vanilla friends, they are nice people and I enjoy seeing them from time to time, I much prefer my lifestyle friends.  Our conversations are never dull and I never feel like I have to filter what I want to say.  We talk about everything and anything.  We share hilarious stories about the lifestyle and swinging, we compare notes about toys, we try on each others slut wear and shoes and we share our husbands.  We went to a restaurant with lifestyle friends recently and we switched husbands for the evening.  I was her husband’s date and my friend was my husband’s date.  It was silly but fun.  

We have conversations about double penetration, gang bangs, girl on girl sex, mishaps with condoms, bi sexual men, the nude beach, etc.  There is nothing boring about these topics.  Sure, we talk about our kids and business, but it is not limited to topics such as those.

This is one of many perks of being apart of the lifestyle.  There are no taboo topics, nobody is embarrassed by sexual conversations and gatherings are never boring.  I can remember not long ago, a friend of ours was telling a story about a party he went to and thought he got his dick stuck in a girls ass.  I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard.

Life is too short to be uptight.  Let your hair down and do what makes you happy.  It’s ok to be silly and sexy, after all, you’re not hurting anyone.  I am not saying that my vanilla friends aren’t happy, they seem to be, but I truly believe that the freedom lifestyle couples discover, leads to increased happiness.  Try it!

Bullying on social forums

Public forums (on websites) have always been an easy target for bullies.  They hide behind their computer screens so anonymity is a given. Most people understand that when they comment on an article they read on any website, they are fair game both to bullies and cowards alike. Treating people poorly while remaining anonymous, does not take a lot of courage. This is not hard to understand. What is hard to understand is bullying people on swinger forums.   I  often mention how kind and loving a community swingers tend to be, but now I’m not so sure. Obviously, in any group you will find your rotten apples. What is troubling to me, is that I have noticed this trend on every site I have visited and by too many people.

I recall as a child hearing my parents tell me that if I did not have something nice to say, to say nothing at all. Good advice, right? Sure there are times when I read something and have a negative thought or feeling about what the writer is saying. Many people use forums as a help center, almost like Dear Abbey.  People come to forums looking for advice.  It is not my place to tell people how to think or feel so I always try to sensor what I write in response, or, if I can’t say something nice, I move on.

What I have noticed ,is that too frequently, when a writer is looking for guidance because they are having a problem, rather than offering a solution or words of encouragement, someone will respond with a demeaning comment.  They will then embellish on how great things are for them.  I’m sorry, how is this helpful?

I was reading a post recently where a woman was concerned that still, after many years in the lifestyle, she at times feels jealous when watching her husband play with another woman.  The first response was from a woman telling her she should keep her eyes closed while playing.  Ok, that might be a solution ( I didn’t say I agreed, but at least this was offering some help).  This was followed by four or five more responses belittling her for being so selfish and not wanting her husband to be happy.  Some of the responses went on to relate how much they love to watch their husbands and how exciting it is for them.  I wondered how this was supposed to help the original poster.  Since you love to watch your husband, she should feel the same way?

Not long ago I wrote something on a forum and when I returned the next day to see if anyone had commented I was shocked to see that some woman had taken the opportunity to personally attack what I had said with an assault of derogatory comments and snide remarks. The best part is, her picture was there and with a click of the mouse I was able to see where she lives, naked pictures of herself and her husband, her age and best of all, the name of the swing club she likes to visit when she travels. Guess what? That is the very same club I frequent as it is 10 miles from where I live. Not quite an anonymous comment huh? It should be an interesting evening when she enters the club…
My question remains, why do people feel the need to be so nasty? The lifestyle has always been such a laid back, friendly environment; peace and love, no? Where else can you find 100+ naked couples in a back room somewhere all getting along? It’s a shame to see this as sites that could be used for self expression and many times for guidance, are more often excuses for people to hurt one another. At least the woman who tried to take me down was bold enough to stand behind her comments and let me know who she is, I’ve seen some really mean and rotten comments by people whose profiles were inaccessible to everyone. Now that’s cowardly!
Bottom line, take it from my parents generation: If you don’t have something nice to say…

Forum posts on Swinger dating sites; please people, tell us what you really think!!

shockedgirls3     Swinger dating sites are a great thing.  They help us to find other swingers in our areas or those who are local to where we travel.  They offer advice boards, swinger resort information, swing clubs, lifestyle clothing and jewelry, instant messaging and of course, forums.

I am thinking that every time I am at a loss to find a topic to write about I should click open a swinger dating site because I have discovered that these are a writer’s dream! No embellishments needed! Tell us what you really think people!

It would not surprise me at all to find people this candid if I were reading anonymous forum posts on some random websites. However, when you log onto a swinger’s dating site, you leave your member name every time you write a blog, write an email or post on the forum. Perhaps some people think they are anonymous, or maybe they just don’t care, but some responses to things people post leave me with my mouth wide open.  Please, tell us what you really think!

A member wrote on a forum the other day complaining that it is simply impossible to find a guy in the lifestyle who meets his wife’s standards. “She is gorgeous, like an 8 or 9/10,” he writes, “and she is looking for someone who looks like Channing Tatum or Rob Lowe. Believe me, she is that hot that it is fair.” He goes on to explain their dilemna that unattractive people are always hitting on them because they are both extremely hot and, after all, who can blame couples for wanting them. Unfrortunately for us plain folk, we can never meet their standards. After reading all the nasty comments it attracted I had to check out their profile. Wow! They could not find enough adjectives to describe how hot they are and how insanely difficult the lifestyle is proving for them due to a lack of suitable people to play with here on planet earth. Poor things.  The best part?  This couple frequents a swing club where we spend a fair amount of time .  Are they too hot for words?  Well let’s just say that beauty in this case, is clearly in the eye of the forum poster…  This is a perfect example of how truly “anonymous” posts really are.

Another woman wrote about a recent experience she and her husband had with another couple. Apparently they met the other couple one afternoon for coffee.  As a foursome, they decided they would meet the following weekend to play in one of the couple’s homes. As they went to leave, one woman slipped the other woman a note and asked her to read it when she got home. The note gave her a list of things the other couple was requesting of her: they wanted her fully shaved, to bring a strap on and to wear a butt plug. It went on to describe what the couple wanted to do with her when they met. The woman who received the note was asking if people thought it was strange to give a potential swinger couple a list such as this. Well, I was expecting to read answers to her question, but none were interested in what she was asking.  The first response was from a man who was furious that this other couple ignored her husband completely in the requests they had made.  He wrote that he would refuse to ever speak with them again. He wrote: “Nobody gonna make me a fool when all they want is to f*ck my wife! They gonna have to want me too!” Hmm, ok, let’s look at the next reply.  This one was also written by a man and he felt it was disrespectful as well.  “I feel this note disrespected this man and his wife.  He gave no indication that they said they were kinky or into S & M. If it were me and my wife, we would meet them for sure, but only to tell them that we find them repulsive.” Hmm… Still another male responded, “WTF? Who does this? Who goes into a swinging situation with another couple and hands them a list of demands?” One more, “Why would you reveal on a public forum what this couple was requesting from your wife? That’s not a good sign, it perhaps tells us that you kiss and tell.” Is anyone else confused by these responses?

Let’s look at one more: A woman wrote in to ask if other people had come across men with body odor ranging from bad breath to a foul smelling area down under. She wanted to know how people handle being in this situation.  She noted that by the time you become aware of the problem, it’s too late to back up. Personally, I was curious to hear the answers as I thought her question was a good one that many people would be able to relate to. First answer, and I quote, “What’s your problem? You think you smell so perfect? Let me tell you that you smell like fish!” Now there’s a helpful reply! Second person said that she should learn to breathe through her mouth so she doesn’t smell it and if that doesn’t work get some deoderant from a bathroom and spray him down. The third one told her that if something as silly as a little body odor upsets her maybe she is too delicate for the lifestyle. Hmm. After reading the responses I think I might be too delicate to post a question on the forum!

It’s really quite surprising to read such nasty responses, as generally speaking, people in the lifestyle are so supportive and warm. Do you suppose it’s just easy to be nasty when people can’t see you? Whatever the case may be, I think I won’t go on any forums looking for advise any time soon!

Is swinging merely friends expressing their friendship sexually?

Swinger friends on the beach wearing Partners ID jewelry
Swinger friends on the beach wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

Is swinging merely friends expressing their friendship sexually?

We get a lot of emails not only our customers, but from people who are curious about swinging. We recently received an email from someone who could not understand the dynamics of swinging. Sadly, like so many people who are not in the lifestyle, they wondered if every friendship swingers enter into was ultimately with the hope of swinging.

I can hear every swinger around the world groaning, and believe me, I feel your pain. First of all, swingers are not sexual deviants disguised as normal people. (Perhaps some are, but not most.) Even when swingers go to a swing club, lifestyle resort or party, most are not open to playing with everyone at the club or event. Just like vanilla people, swingers choose to be with people that turn them on. Believe it or not, even if they find a vanilla friend or coworker attractive, they will not pursue them for sex. It simply does not work like this.

I remember my husband confiding in a close vanilla friend, years ago, that we were in the lifestyle. What do you think his first question was? He wanted to know if my husband and I had talked about having sex with he and his wife. Now this was awkward. The truth is, we had never even thought about it. They are nice people, but since they are not swingers, it never came up in conversation. Believe it or not, he seemed insulted by the answer. Who’s crazy now?

What we discovered is that although vanilla people don’t want you to hit on them, they want to believe that you would be sexually attracted to them if they were swingers. (Shaking my head.)
The second question was whether or not we had interest in anyone in our circle of vanilla friends. Again, no, we never thought about it.

Swingers will tell you that if they do not get a radar reading about another person or couple being active in the lifestyle, chance are, they are not thinking about having sex with them. That is not to say that swingers never fantasize about friends and coworkers, but that is different from contemplating hitting on them!

Back to the original question: is swinging merely friends expressing their friendship sexually?

Many swingers have lifestyle friends that they do not have sex with. They enjoy their company, as you would any vanilla friend, but they are not attracted to each other. Sometimes you are strictly sexually attracted to a couple but have nothing else in common. You play with them but do not seek them out socially. Swinging is a lot like dating. With some people you hit it off and the chemistry is right so there is sex. With others, there is no chemistry, but yet you enjoy each other’s company so perhaps remain friends. Still then, there are people with whom you have chemistry with but little else in common.

Swinging is really not such a complicated phenomenon. Perhaps the easiest way to think about swinging is like dating for couples. Dating for swingers, however, at times seems like the opposite progression from actual dating. Couples seek out other couples for sex. Sometimes you all enjoy each other’s company and a friendship is born; other times you remain acquaintances and say a quick hello when you see each other. Some couples prefer to follow the same pattern as regular dating: they like to meet couples that they have something in common with and then have sex. The problem is when you are dealing with four personalities, it can be much more complicated to find a good match where everyone is happy.
For this reason, many couples simply look for the sexual chemistry first and the friendship second.

If swinging were merely friends expressing their friendship sexually, swingers would be having sex with all of their lifestyle friends and they are not. What is different about friendships within the lifestyle is that they are sexual in nature. Swingers talk freely about sex and are not shy to be naked in front of each other. What brings them together as friends is their uninhibited attitudes.

For those of you who are asking about the lifestyle I encourage you to check it out. The worst case scenario is that it is not for you. At least this way you know what it is all about and whether or not it is something that interests you. I will say that for people who are curious enough to ask about it, chances are the lifestyle is something you will enjoy!