Vanilla couples; are they secretly wishing to explore the lifestyle?

Vanilla couple trying on Partners ID jewelry
Vanilla couple trying on Partners ID jewelry
 What separates vanilla folks from those in the lifestyle?  (For those who do not know the term, someone who is vanilla, is someone who is not in the lifestyle.) Is it that they are having such mind blowing sex with their spouse or significant other that they never even think about being with someone else? That seems highly unlikely.  It seems impossible to believe that every adult does not at some time fantasize about having sex with someone else. It is normal and it is human.  It does not mean that they will act on it, it strictly means they have thought about what it would be like.
Sex is a big part of adult life and although some people like to disagree, all we need to do is to consider the billion dollar porn industry.  If nobody is that interested in sex, who on earth is watching all of that porn?  How many marriages fall apart because one person wants sex and the other has lost interest?  One person has a choice at that point:  cheat or leave.
One thing that I really appreciate about swingers is that they are honest about sex.  They like sex, they want sex and they think it is normal to talk about sex.  They have learned to make the difference between sex and love.   They have learned how to channel their desire for sex and their desire for excitement, while staying in their committed relationship.  It’s a win – win.
We talk about the fact that swing clubs are trending and based on the number of vanilla couples visiting swing clubs, they are trending for sure.  What about the couples who have not explored the lifestyle?  What makes some couples take the plunge and others not?
Having been in the lifestyle for over ten years, we are at the point where most of our weekends are spent either at private parties or swing clubs.  We did have an obligatory dinner this past weekend with some vanilla friends and it was very interesting.  I noticed that after a few drinks there was a lot of flirting between the couples.  At one point (we were at someone’s home) a song came on and two of the women got up and danced together.  They were not provocative, but the men ran for their phones and were cheering them on.  My husband and I just sat and watched.  Obviously for us, this is nothing new, except that there was no touching and they were wearing clothing.  It occurred to me throughout the night that our vanilla friends had some sexual tension between them, but they kept it in check.  There is no way that they are acting on it but I couldn’t help but wonder if they don’t think about it at night when they go their separate ways.  They know we are in the lifestyle but never ask us about it so we do not offer any information.
Is it possible for some couples to be satisfied with these type of interactions and never consider acting on them?  I realize it must be, as most people are not swingers and would never consider this lifestyle.  Are these the type of couples that go on to have affairs?  Do they spend their lives secretly wishing they could be with someone else?  Perhaps for them it is too risky.
Perhaps this is what lifestyle couples have in common; they are risk takers.  There are always going to be exceptions to every rule, but in this case, it seems very possible that this is a common trait amongst many swingers.  Think about the people you know in the lifestyle.  Most of them are a little bit more daring than others you know.  When I consider the jobs swingers have, although they obviously cover a huge spectrum, there are some similarities.  We have met many doctors, lawyers, stock brokers, ex cops, veterans, firefighters, paramedics, etc.  What do all of their jobs have in common?  They are risky; they can never predict the outcome of what they do.  They are not like accountants or engineers or architects where things are mapped out so there is never room for a questionable outcome.  Interestingly enough, we rarely encounter accountants, architects or engineers in the lifestyle.
If couples are afraid of risk, the lifestyle is the last place you will find them.  Everyone who swings realizes that when you enter the lifestyle you lose a little control over your relationship.  You have to have a tremendous amount of faith in both yourself and your partner to be able to partake.  Imagine the man who thinks he wants to play with other women only until he sees his wife enjoy having sex with another man.  He took a risk.  He came into the lifestyle and allowed his wife to play with someone else.  For some people, they have enough confidence to believe their wife (or husband) will enjoy the moment and want only to be back with them.  Others will not have that confidence, so the risk is too high.  It is the same for women; sure my husband seems satisfied with  me now, but he might meet a prettier, slimmer woman with a better body.  What if she’s better in bed than I am?  How will things ever be the same with my husband again?  When you think about it this way, swinging can seem like a risk many couples would rather not take.
It is easy to understand vanilla couples acting as though they are perfectly happy with their marriage just as it is, and wanting us to imagine that their sex lives are perfect.  If they were to open up and say they are curious, or have thought about having sex with someone else, they might get invited into the lifestyle and they are not ready for that risk.  It would seem impossible to believe that if vanilla couples were truly honest with themselves that they could say they have never thought about having sex with someone else.  I guess the difference between couples who take the lifestyle plunge and those who don’t, is that swingers are more open and honest with their partners.  It can be very risky to even ask your partner if they will try the lifestyle, but for those of us who did, the rewards have been huge.

New swingers tend to worry about being “outed”; should they?

New swingers peeking around corner; woman wearing Partners ID jewelry
Newbie peeking around corner; woman wearing Partners ID jewelry




Prior to entering the lifestyle, most new swingers tend to have the same concern:   what if we run into someone we know?  Will they tell other people they saw us?  It is normal for new swingers to worry about this, especially if they are looking to swing close to home.  Some people are well known in their community and even without disclosing their last name, people might readily recognize them.  It is normal to be apprehensive before getting started.

Prior to our first visit to a swing club, I was terrified that we would see people we know.  As it turned out, we did.  We saw four couples that we knew.  As soon as I spotted the first couple I grabbed my husband and told him we had to leave.  He insisted that it would be fine.  Within moments of my spotting one couple, they turned and saw us.  They walked right over and welcomed us to the club.  They were so warm and clearly happy to see us.  They then introduced us to a group of their friends.  When I voiced concern about  knowing so many people, they assured me that people are very discreet and would never discuss what or who they see at a swing club.

Most swingers will tell you that lifestyle events are filled with many couples but the theme is always the same:  what happens in the lifestyle, stays in the lifestyle.  Although there are couples who are open with their friends and families about the fact that they swing, the majority of swingers choose to keep this private.  Should new swingers worry about those couples talking freely about who they see when they are swinging?  Probably not because that would cause people to distrust them and keep their distance.

Many couples look to begin swinging by joining an online site for swingers.  It can be a bit daunting when the first thing the site asks the new swingers for is personal information and a photo.  Luckily, most sites do not require a photo of your face and names and addresses are used solely for payment purposes.  They all offer the option to choose a screen name and to post pictures that you are comfortable with.  Many sites offer private photo gallery options which allow you to keep your photos private.  To let others view them, you must give them a secret code to unlock the photos.  Online swinger sites make finding couples you already know very difficult.  Without asking a couple for their screen name, chances are you would not even find them if you looked for them.  The same goes for curiosity seekers; first they would have to pay to join, then finding people they know without knowing their screen names would be almost impossible.

While it is true that many swingers shy away from online profiles with no pictures readily available, not all do.  Some couples will understand your need for privacy, as many people on these sites have tech savvy children as well.  Although people will argue that the site is password protected, some folks out there will still be too worried to post photos.

Swing clubs are always a very easy way to get started in the lifestyle, but again, newbies worry that they will see someone they know.  This is always a possibility but again, if you are both at the club, you are both there for the same reason.  Chances are, you will become better friends because you already know each other.

What if you are a public figure of some kind?  This means other people will know who you are but you will not know who they are.  That seems to be the biggest concern of all for well known new swingers.  If you are someone who is in a position of power, what if people who work around you in lesser positions spot you.  Will they talk about it at work?  After all, that would be good gossip.  That is always a possibility but again, in order to out you, they have to out themselves.  In this case, being friendly and warm will serve you better in the long run.  It is less likely that people will talk about you if they like you.

There is never any guarantee that people will not somehow discover your secret life but that should not keep you from enjoying the lifestyle.  There are so many wonderful people who swing and they are not really interested in who you are outside of the lifestyle.  They, like you, are there to have a good time.  Life is too short to always worry ‘what if’!

Is swinging merely friends expressing their friendship sexually?

Swinger friends on the beach wearing Partners ID jewelry
Swinger friends on the beach wearing Partners ID jewelry




Is swinging merely friends expressing their friendship sexually?

We get a lot of emails not only our customers, but from people who are curious about swinging. We recently received an email from someone who could not understand the dynamics of swinging. Sadly, like so many people who are not in the lifestyle, they wondered if every friendship swingers enter into was ultimately with the hope of swinging.

I can hear every swinger around the world groaning, and believe me, I feel your pain. First of all, swingers are not sexual deviants disguised as normal people. (Perhaps some are, but not most.) Even when swingers go to a swing club, lifestyle resort or party, most are not open to playing with everyone at the club or event. Just like vanilla people, swingers choose to be with people that turn them on. Believe it or not, even if they find a vanilla friend or coworker attractive, they will not pursue them for sex. It simply does not work like this.

I remember my husband confiding in a close vanilla friend, years ago, that we were in the lifestyle. What do you think his first question was? He wanted to know if my husband and I had talked about having sex with he and his wife. Now this was awkward. The truth is, we had never even thought about it. They are nice people, but since they are not swingers, it never came up in conversation. Believe it or not, he seemed insulted by the answer. Who’s crazy now?

What we discovered is that although vanilla people don’t want you to hit on them, they want to believe that you would be sexually attracted to them if they were swingers. (Shaking my head.)
The second question was whether or not we had interest in anyone in our circle of vanilla friends. Again, no, we never thought about it.

Swingers will tell you that if they do not get a radar reading about another person or couple being active in the lifestyle, chance are, they are not thinking about having sex with them. That is not to say that swingers never fantasize about friends and coworkers, but that is different from contemplating hitting on them!

Back to the original question: is swinging merely friends expressing their friendship sexually?

Many swingers have lifestyle friends that they do not have sex with. They enjoy their company, as you would any vanilla friend, but they are not attracted to each other. Sometimes you are strictly sexually attracted to a couple but have nothing else in common. You play with them but do not seek them out socially. Swinging is a lot like dating. With some people you hit it off and the chemistry is right so there is sex. With others, there is no chemistry, but yet you enjoy each other’s company so perhaps remain friends. Still then, there are people with whom you have chemistry with but little else in common.

Swinging is really not such a complicated phenomenon. Perhaps the easiest way to think about swinging is like dating for couples. Dating for swingers, however, at times seems like the opposite progression from actual dating. Couples seek out other couples for sex. Sometimes you all enjoy each other’s company and a friendship is born; other times you remain acquaintances and say a quick hello when you see each other. Some couples prefer to follow the same pattern as regular dating: they like to meet couples that they have something in common with and then have sex. The problem is when you are dealing with four personalities, it can be much more complicated to find a good match where everyone is happy.
For this reason, many couples simply look for the sexual chemistry first and the friendship second.

If swinging were merely friends expressing their friendship sexually, swingers would be having sex with all of their lifestyle friends and they are not. What is different about friendships within the lifestyle is that they are sexual in nature. Swingers talk freely about sex and are not shy to be naked in front of each other. What brings them together as friends is their uninhibited attitudes.

For those of you who are asking about the lifestyle I encourage you to check it out. The worst case scenario is that it is not for you. At least this way you know what it is all about and whether or not it is something that interests you. I will say that for people who are curious enough to ask about it, chances are the lifestyle is something you will enjoy!

Couples who communicate with each other are the happiest in the lifestyle.

Couple in the park showing they communicate with each other, wearing Partners ID jewelry
Happy couple in the park wearing Partners ID jewelry



Communication; why it is so important for couples in the lifestyle.

We frequently hear swingers asking what makes some couples more successful than others in the lifestyle. The number one reason why some couples are able to remain in the lifestyle for so many years always comes down to the same reason: they have learned to communicate with each other.

Although swinging can be a lot of fun, it can also cause a lot of pain. It is not easy for everyone to watch their spouse or significant other being intimate with someone else. We are programmed from the time we are very young to believe that intimacy takes place between two loving adults (usually married adults). When we start to swing, although it can be extremely exciting, it can also bring up a lot of issues between couples. Watching your partner in a passionate embrace with someone else can be confusing and intimidating. Many people who are new to the lifestyle will wonder “what if he likes her better” or “what if he is better in bed than I am”?

The worst way to handle these feelings is to keep them to yourself. Many couples do not discuss these feelings because they are, after all, in a swing club and this is what couples are there for, right? It is normal for your wife to squeal with delight while having sex (even if it has been a long time since she did this with you), right? Why say something when clearly she was having a good time. Sure, you feel a little hurt that she didn’t notice you couldn’t get an erection. You kissed her shoulder to get her to help you out but she was busy and didn’t seem to feel your touch.

So the night is over and you drive home in silence. You imagine she is replaying the wonderful time she had in her head. You want to talk about it but her eyes are closed and you don’t want to bother her. This scenario is the start of a problem. Keeping hurt feelings to yourself will only snowball over time. If you are not letting your partner know that something bothers you, how can they need to change the behavior for next time?

If a couple doesn’t rehash every encounter, it can lead to problems down the line. Even if both people were happy with the night, something should be said. This allows both people to talk about why it was good or bad and what could have been done differently. If it was a positive encounter then talk about why it worked for you both. If it was not positive, what was the problem and how can you avoid something like this in the future? Blaming your partner or becoming upset or hostile is not the best way to get your point across. Try showing your partner how it felt from your perspective while allowing them to do the same. Come up with a game plan for the future so that if you find yourselves in a similar situation, you both know exactly what to do to avoid a problem.

The real problems begin when although you are communicating the good and the bad, your partner continues with the same behaviors that have bothered you in the past. This should indicate to you that your partner does not have your best interest at heart. This says your partner is there on their own terms and this is a red flag. Good communication should result in more positive encounters. If this is not the case, something is wrong.

Every couple who swings, whether you are seasoned or newbies, full swap or soft, will have situations that arise at some point. Shying away from a frank conversation will never help to solve the problems. If you are afraid of upsetting your partner by letting them know how you feel, then something is very wrong with your relationship and perhaps swinging is not for you. Couples who are honest and upfront with each other have the best chance at long term success in the lifestyle.

Couples who communicate openly and honestly are the happiest couples both in and out of the lifestyle. When the two of you are able to express what works for you and what does not, there is never any reason to worry that your partner does not know how different situations make you feel. Good communication is the sign of a happy and mature relationship. It is proof positive that couples are committed to each other and are supportive of each other.

Just remember that good communication requires honesty. It is important to convey to each other what makes you happy and what types of things are hurtful. If a couple truly loves and respects each other, things should be much easier to navigate when you know exactly how each other feels.

Why you must be able to trust your partner in order to be successful in the lifestyle.

Woman with trust issues . All 3 wearing Parnters ID jewelry
Woman feels left out. All 3 wearing Partners ID jewelry





Trust is something that is vitally important for any relationship to be successful. Some people believe that trust is more important than love in order to sustain a healthy relationship with another person. According to, trust means the following:

1. Reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. Confident expectation of something; hope.
3. Confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit:

If you cannot rely upon or have confidence in the person you share your life with, there are sure to be problems between the two of you. Having trust in another person allows you to feel both confident and safe.

What are some of the ways in which people allow others to trust them?

For one, being dependable for you partner is critical. If your partner knows that regardless of the situation they can turn to you for help and you will be there for them, that helps to build a solid foundation. Supporting your partner is very important. If they need to talk to you about something, be available to them. Don’t diminish their feelings when they open up about something that concerns them. Even if something seems silly or unimportant to you, it might feel the exact opposite to them. Make sure your partner knows you care about them. Don’t just nod your head when they speak, listen to what they are saying and try to help them through the situation.

Trust is not built around control. If you try to control your partner, it makes them feel that you have no confidence in them. Allow them the freedom to do what is best for them and for you, without your interference. Show your partner respect by trusting them around other people. If something is bothering you, discuss it with your partner, not other people. Talking about your partner is never helpful in either resolving problems or in building trust between the two of you.

So how does trust come into play in the lifestyle? Most people believe that their fellow swingers have no trust issues with their partners. How can they? Swinging is built around the philosophy of an open marriage. Without trust, how could you possibly swing?

Trust is critically important in the lifestyle, perhaps even more so, than in the vanilla world. Swingers allow their partners to not only flirt with others, but to have sex with other people. The majority of their time spent in lifestyle venues is for the purpose of finding others to have sex with. If something is happening that makes one person uncomfortable, this could lead to disaster for the couple.

In order for swingers to be successful in the lifestyle, couples must be proficient in communicating with one another. Nothing can be held back when talking about the lifestyle. If one person is feeling insecure or uncomfortable about something, it must be spoken about immediately. Trust is the most important factor in determining the success or failure of a couple who decides to enter the lifestyle.

Often times one person is actually acting in a way that their partner finds offensive but to keep the peace, they let it slide. It is very important to make sure your partner comes first in the lifestyle regardless of how long the two of you have been swinging. From the moment you step foot into a swing club or party, you must remember you are a couple first and foremost. Make sure your partner is happy and comfortable at all times. Your partner must feel that you are there for them no matter what the circumstance. Does your partner need a refill for their drink, would they like to dance, do they like the people you are talking with? Are you paying attention to everyone except them? Is there a person you find attractive and are spending too much time watching them or trying to flirt with them? Although in your mind that is why you are at the club or the party, your partner might not appreciate the way in which you approach swinging.  A simple loving gesture from time to time goes a long way to letting your partner know you are thinking of them.  Hold their hand, a gentle kiss or even touching their hair will let them feel that you are thinking about them.

One of the best ways to ensure your partner will always be happy and comfortable is to consider how you would feel if the tables were turned. Always treat your partner as you would like to be treated. Jealousy is always a possibility in the lifestyle. Although couples always say neither of them gets jealous, this is not always the truth. In order to make sure your partner has no reason to feel jealous, let them know by your actions that they always come first. A united couple is a secure couple. Just like it is important for your partner to trust you, it is equally as important for potential swinger couples to trust you. Nobody wants to find themselves in a situation with a couple who is having problems. It can only lead to disaster for everyone involved and seasoned swingers can spot these couples a mile away.

Swinging is wonderful for couples who are honestly able to trust one another. One of the reasons some couples are so successful in the lifestyle is because of their honest communication. The talk about what they both feel comfortable with and what makes them uncomfortable. They speak honestly about what they like and dislike. Successful couples are like football players. They have a game plan and they stick with it. They have rules and boundaries regarding swinging. They talk about things before they arrive at an event and they rehash how things went afterwards. If something did not go as planned, they discuss how they could have done things differently. They operate as a team. They are in this together and it shows. These are the couples who have the best chance of success in the lifestyle.

Trust is something that people earn from others. When we first meet someone, we never know if we can trust them. It is over time, through actions and words that we discover that either this person is honest and we can rely on them, or they are not and we cannot have confidence in them. If trust was an issue prior to entering the lifestyle, swinging can exacerbate this problem tenfold. If this is an issue for your couple, the lifestyle is probably not the place for you.

Why swing clubs have become so popular over the past 10 years.

Swing clubs are trending
Swing clubs are trending
 This might not be news to many people in the lifestyle but apparently swing clubs have become a hip place to be seen.  This is quite a contrast to the days when people would do anything to keep their visits to swing clubs a secret!  Although every state is different with regard to the legality of swing clubs, for those that have been fortunate enough to have club owners in their home town go to court and battle, the taste of victory is very sweet for them indeed.  The clubs that reside in legal areas have seen tremendous growth in their clientele over the last decade or so.  For most states, each county has its own laws regarding this, which makes it even better for the owners who put their time and money into making this happen.
The change in the atmosphere in clubs that are no longer underground has been dramatic.  Before they were legal it was very risky for couples to venture out to a club for the evening.  Many people tell stories of making sure to have enough cash in their pockets to be able to make bail if they were to get arrested, after all, who could they call?  Some people recall being terrified of having their names in the newspaper should the club get raided.  Police would drive by at opening time and scare clients away or sit in the parking lot making sure clients were too uncomfortable to go inside.  One thing these long time swingers remember the most was the fact that when they were in the club, every single person there, was a swinger who came to play.  Back then, nobody was going to take the risk just to “check it out”.  That is where the clubs have seen a total change.
Back when it was not legal,  swing clubs rarely had big crowds and generally hosted about 20-30 couples on a Saturday night.  They were sparsely decorated and tended to be rather small in size.  Today, some clubs boast more than ten thousand square feet and rival the swank decor of any hot Miami Beach or New York City night club.  It is not uncommon for the more popular swing clubs to host over 200 couples in a night.  The difference is, a much smaller percentage of couples are there to play.  The truth is, where else can you spend an evening that allows you to bring your own bottle, serves dinner and breakfast and has a dj until 3 in the morning?  While it is true that most clubs have a membership fee, the nightly fees are generally less expensive than a moderately priced restaurant would cost to eat dinner for two.  Swing clubs are night clubs where the atmosphere on every Saturday night is like New Year’s Eve.  What other clubs have a regular clientele like this where couples are looking to make friends?  I have never been to a vanilla club where people want to meet you and your husband or boyfriend; couples are either there to have fun alone or they come to the club with a group of friends
There are times when men bring women into a swing club and she does not even know what kind of a club it really is.  When you spend your evening up front, there is no reason to guess what happens behind the closed doors in the back of the club.  The women usually figure it out when they see people getting carried away on the dance floor or around the bar.  Especially when she realizes that nobody else is shocked except for her!  Porn playing on a large screen in the club is also a dead giveaway that something is not quite kosher.
There has been a surge in the number of young couples who visit swing clubs.  In prior years it was uncommon to see people under the age of 40 visting a swing club.  Today, there are groups which cater to the younger crowd and it has become quite common for the younger groups to out number the 40 year old plus crowd.
For newcomers, the atmosphere of a swing club can be intoxicating.  The energy, the friendliness and the fun to be had is like no other type of club environment.  The sexy dresses, the provocative dancing, the nudity and sexual overtures are tintillating to say the least.  The notion that just behind the closed doors in the back of the club is something that you had always considered forbidden and deviant.  Live sex, both for you to watch and participate in, is never far from your thoughts. This new generation of curious guests soon come to find this part of the club’s appeal; it’s risque and they are a part of it!
The lifestyle has been slow to gain any type of acceptance in most communities but with so many people exploring swing clubs and enjoying the atmosphere perhaps we are seeing a change in attitude.  People are able to enter the clubs and have a good time while noticing that the clientele in the clubs are made up of normal people who are not attacking each other or indiscriminately lusting after one another.  The image most people have of what goes on in a swing club is generally drastically different from what they find when they arrive.  The media has not been particularly helpful in portraying swingers over the years and people outside the lifestyle have no other frame of reference with which to base this on.
Swing clubs are not dungeons with leather clad freaks wearing masks and making unwanted sexual advances to anyone and everyone.  Most people are pleasantly surprised to discover that swing clubs are very similar to any other night club.  One of the aspects that sets swing clubs apart is the friendly clientele.  Couples looking to meet other couples and warmly welcoming to newcomers is something you will not see elsewhere.  Most couples are well dressed and extremely respectful of each other.  People don’t judge and this encourages many couples who might not feel as though they fit in at other types of clubs, to turn to swing clubs.
Moving forward, with this refreshing change in attitude toward the lifestyle and how it has become trendy to be a part of it, people should feel more confident that wearing the jewelry only indicates that they are open minded.  The jewelry shall remain only known to people in the lifestyle but remember that being in the lifestyle does not mean you are a swinger.  It simply tells others that you enjoy that atmosphere and are open to conversations regarding such.

Newbies tend to have a perception of swingers that is not always accurate.

Newbie swinger woman toasting friends wearing Partners ID jewelry
Newbie swinger woman toasting friends wearing Partners ID jewelry
















Newbies is a term  swingers use which refers to people who are new to the lifestyle.  The word “newbie” is not a new term and is even listed in the merriam-webster dictionary:

One of the wonderful things about the lifestyle is the variety of people it attracts.  People from all walks of life are swingers.   We were approached recently by a couple on a beach who spotted our flag and wanted to ask about the lifestyle. (Glad the flag works!)

They have never been in any type of lifestyle environment ( which is why we use the term “newbies”) and thought the nude beach might help them get some information about swing clubs and swinger resorts.  They were smart because there are many swingers that frequent the nude beach.  They had no idea how to know who was a swinger so the flag came in handy for that!  The woman (who was wearing a rather conservative one piece bathing suit) was very apprehensive about the type of women she would find in a swing club.  She somehow felt she would not measure up to swing club standards.  The man did not seem particularly concerned with this and it should come as no surprise that she was in better shape than he.  I suppose it is normal to have preconceived notions about what you will see on your first trip to a swing club and newbies are never sure if they will fit in.  She went on to explain that she is not as thin as she was, or in as good shape as she was 20 years ago.  She was afraid that all the women in a swing club or at a resort such as Desire or Secrets Hideaway would be perfect tens and that would intimidate her.  She was concerned that they would all ooze sexuality and she was still raising children and did not really consider herself particularly sexy.  She mentioned that she is not good with hair and make up and prefers a more natural look.  How could she ever compete with all of the glamorous women with perfect hair, make up and bodies?

I was not sure why her perception of swing clubs was like this but we spent a good hour talking to them about the realities of lifestyle venues and what types of people you will find.  We assured her that in any given swing club you will see a very broad spectrum of both men and women.   It is possible you will spot a woman you think is the perfect model, but isn’t beauty in the eye of the beholder?  Every man I have ever met has different taste when it comes to women.  Some look at breasts, some at legs, some at the face, some like certain hair and others like a combination of things.  Some men like very thin women and some like very large women, so how can we decide who is a perfect ten?  I told her if she is concerned that she will find a bunch of Victoria Secret models walking around the club, she is worried for nothing.  Every swing club and swinger resort we have ever been to has been made up of all types of women.  Tall, short, fat, thin, beautiful blown out hair styles, wet matted hair, curly, straight, long and short hair, big boobs, small boobs, no boobs, beautiful dresses, jeans, shorts, fishnets, you name it.  Some women wear 6″ stilettos and others sport flip flops.  Some women have had plastic surgery and some seem not to be interested in  the shape or size of their bodies.   There is no particular style or trend in any club I have ever been to.  In my opinion, women should never worry that they won’t “measure up” in a swing club because there are all types of women.

The same goes for men.  Men come in all shapes and sizes.  You will find some men with hair, some without, some well dressed, some not.  Some men have big bellies, some have big muscles; some are well endowed and some are not.  The beauty of the lifestyle is everyone can play.  Swingers do not seem to notice the color of anyone’s hair or skin and they seem unconcerned with what you do for a living.  Bring a smile and a warm, open attitude and anyone can have a good time.

Life is too short to worry about what others might think.  The beauty of the lifestyle is the variety of people you will meet and how the majority of people are just there to have a good time.  Nobody cares what you are wearing or if your makeup is perfect.  Wear what makes you comfortable and bring a positive attitude.

The couple seemed happy to hear that they would fit in just fine but before they left I did offer her a small piece of advice:  After years of raising children and leaving your “sexy self” behind, you will shocked to see how fast it will return when you enter a swing club.  Find what makes you feel good and wear it with pride.  The only person you should want to impress is your husband and the same goes for him.  As for the people in the club?  They will like you if you are friendly, that’s all you need to fit in!

Couples who overstep in the lifestyle; some types you might encounter in a swing club

Two girls in a bar
Two girls in a bar


Swing clubs are a great way for swingers to meet each other.  They are set up in a way that makes it easy and comfotable to find others for a night of fun.  Sometimes you meet a fabulous couple and you click, but what happens when you meet others who are not on the same page as you or who are not of interest to you?

Let’s face it, there are many different types of couples you will come across when you enter the lifestyle. Some are wonderful and fun to be around, others, not so much. The problem for these difficult couples is that once other swingers get to know them a bit, they try to stay away from them.

Swingers tend to be very friendly, but sometimes others might mistake their kindness, for interest. Talking to a couple seated next to you at the bar of a swing club does not necessarily mean you want to play with them. Dancing with a couple who asks you to switch with them on the dance floor does not mean you plan to go back to the playroom with them. Being friendly and kind should not be interpreted as interest.

The Stalkers

Yes, that’s right, stalking. Sure, I’m using the term loosely, but it can feel that way when you are in a swing club and a couple is constantly after you. You meet a couple in a swing club and you are nice to them. They introduce themselves and you are polite and friendly, yet do nothing to lead them on. After a few minutes you are expecting them (praying) that they will walk away but they don’t. You excuse yourselves to go dance and guess what? They appear on the dance floor and ask to cut in. To be polite you dance one song with them and graciously switch back to be with your significant other. When you return to your seat, there they are, waiting for you.

At this point, you have no choice but to be a little less friendly. After all, you have no interest in this couple, but they don’t seem to notice. You talk between yourselves hoping they will get the point but they linger, trying to butt into your conversation. Now what?

You excuse yourselves again to get up and walk around. You find other people to talk to and spend the remainder of your time in the front of the club with these people. As it gets later, you and your significant other head to the back play area. As soon as you are ready to close your locker, guess who is standing there?

You get the point. The question is, why don’t they understand you are not interested? Do you really have to come right out and say it? Nobody wants to be rude or cruel to someone, but what choice are they leaving you?


The mismatched couple

We all know couples like this. One member of the couple is very attractive, the other half, not so much. We speak often about taking one for the team and most couples agree, this is not a good idea. The problem is these couples can be quite charming, as it seems they realize they have to compensate for their situation.

We frequently see very attractive women, with less attractive men. These women are the friendliest I ever meet. The problem is your partner, although he is on your side, he becomes the target. These women are masters of their craft. They seem so innocent that you can’t help but like them. They are sweet and appeal to your significant other. The truth is, she might be the most wonderful human being, but that does not mean that other women want to play with their man.

This can be a difficult situation, especially if you are all friends. You certainly don’t want to hurt anyone but the question is: how do you handle this? Avoiding them is impossible because of the friendship. It is very important to be on the same page as your significant other. Stand united that they are friends but not playmates. Eventually, they will understand that you are not interested in playing with them.


Friends who are not really swingers

You become friendly with people over time that you meet in a swing club. You see them frequently and enjoy their company. You have discovered that they are not really swingers. They enjoy the atmosphere of the club, but are not open to playing with other couples.
The problem is that although you like them, you don’t want to spend entire evenings chatting with them because it keeps you from meeting other couples.

You try to position yourselves in a way that others can stop and talk to you but they insist on being included in every encounter. Do you spend the entire night chatting with them?

The best way to handle this is, again, to dance. Once you walk away you can linger with others couples in a different area. You are not trying to hurt them, but instead to show them you have other friends that you like to talk to. You can also excuse yourselves and say you are ready to head to the playroom. Take your time on your way back and do your own thing. You really do not owe that couple or any other, explanations for what you do,


Couples you have played with who seek you out time and time again

Every swinger couple is different. Some like to meet and get to know others before playing. Some prefer to just find a couple in the moment when in the playroom. Some like to play with the same couple many times, some have a one time only rule. So what happens when you have played with a couple a few times but they think every time they see you, you would like a repeat performance, when actually you do not.

This is probably one of the more difficult situations. These are couples who will probably wait until you are in the playroom to approach you. You are in a vulnerable position when the two of you are alone in the back. A couple you have played with before plops down next to you and feels comfortable enough to join the two of you. There is almost no way out of this situation, other than to say you were hoping to play alone. The problem is, if you do end up with another couple, this can be a sticky situation.


Couples who are pushy and difficult

Sometimes you will encounter couples who are pushy in the playroom. They are very confident and have no trouble approaching you. You and your significant other agree to play with them but things get complicated quickly. One of them is not really open to swapping or isn’t willing to share their partner.

Why do these couples bother involving others in their game playing? My partner frequently refers to these couples as “requiring us to have a book and telling us what page we are on.” It is always complicated and never enjoyable.

Like in any other area of your life, you will always meet all kinds of people. Some you will like and click with, others you will not. The problem is figuring out how to handle couples who don’t seem to understand your non verbal cues.

The best advise for all couples, is to be friendly and easy going. Pay attention to non verbal cues that people are giving you. Don’t expect too much from other couples. Most couples in a swing club want to be free to meet and talk with many different couples. Try not to monopolize people; give them space to move about during the night. Don’t be heavy and make it difficult for people to get away from you. If a couple is interested in you, they will let you know.


The jewelry helped this couple discover that their close friends are swingers too!

Woman out in a field wearing Partners ID jewelry.
Woman out in a field wearing Partners ID jewelry.


Your jewelry actually opened the door to swinging for us.  Before this, we had no idea how to figure out who else in our remote area was a swinger.  We were also not about to ask…

We live in the country (some people would say rural America but we don’t really use that term here). My husband and I grew up here and love it but we don’t really have anything to compare it to. It can be a little bit lonely, but I will say that over the years it is more populated than it was when I was a kid. Where I grew up our closest neighbor was 30 minutes away.

The problem with living 15 minutes (like I said, more populated) from your neighbors is that you don’t really get to see many people on a regular basis. My husband works in agriculture so most days he’s out working on our property.

I have a small craft business that I just started. Thankful for the internet! Anyway, I will admit that often times my husband and I had wondered what it would be like to have a threesome. I get turned on by the thought of being with my husband and another man, he by the thought of myself and another woman. However, we never imagined it would be possible in this area to find other people who had the same interest as us.

We have a small group of friends that we get together with most weekends. One of the couples in the group is very attractive. My husband and I have talked about how if we were going to swing with anyone, they would be our first choice! The problem was how to go about discussing this with them.

That’s where you come in. I went online to try to figure out how to find other swingers and what to say.   I read many of your blogs, which had some very helpful information. I also read about the jewelry, and why it would help. I showed it to my husband and we decided to buy a piece for each of us to wear.

Not long after we received the jewelry, we made plans to meet up with our friends at a bar to watch baseball. We got dressed and put on our jewelry. We went to the bar and had an awesome time with our friends. The next day our attractive friends called us and invited us to their home for a barbecue. We have been to their home before so it didn’t seem strange. The only thing for us that was little bit weird was that we don’t usually see them more than once a week (at the most).

We drove out to their home and were looking forward to an afternoon relaxing and watching more baseball. They were wonderful hosts and made sure we had plenty to eat and drink. We settled in to watch the baseball game on their sofa. After a few minutes, the wife started to touch my leg. I was pretty buzzed but very shocked at the same time. I looked at her to try to figure out what she was thinking and then she kissed me.

I had my first girl on girl experience that night and it was incredible. At some point the guys joined in and it was just a big orgy with the four of us. Nothing short of amazing.

Afterwards my husband asked what made them think we’d be open to that. They laughed and said they saw the jewelry and they knew it because they had been swinging for a while and had seen it on others. They told us they had tried to figure out if we would be open to swinging before that, but didn’t want to out themselves by asking us.

If we weren’t wearing the jewelry, this would never have happened! Turns out, there is a group of swingers that they get together with once a month. We have joined the group a few times and it has been incredible! We discovered that several of the couples already have the jewelry. Two of the other couples met because of the jewelry.

Thanks, without it, we’d still be fantasizing! This is way better!

Lanie and Travis R.

Why are some swingers so successful in the lifestyle while others are not?

Happy group of swingers celebrating
Happy group of swingers celebrating


What makes some people so good at swinging, while others seem to fail miserably?

If you think about what attracts you to someone else, although it might initially be a physical attraction, it goes deeper than that for most people. The most popular people, in any aspect of life, are not necessarily the best looking.  The also applies to swingers.

Swinging is very social, so in order to be successful, you must engage with other people. If you walk into a swing club or party with an attitude, you will probably spend the night alone. Swinging is not for snobs or people who think they are better than others. That type of attitude might have made you popular in high school, but it won’t work in the lifestyle. Couples who are friendly and warm, will, without a doubt have the most success.

Some couples seem to have it all figured it out. The best part is, it is very natural for them and that is probably why it works so well. Couples who enter a club or party and are warm and friendly to everyone are always well liked. Who doesn’t like it when a person shows genuine interest in them? When someone really wants to hear what you have to say or what you think, you enjoy speaking with them. People who smile and make eye contact get a lot further than those who act like they are doing you a favor by blessing you with their presence.

Have you ever spoken with someone and they are busy looking around while you are talking? How does that make you feel? Special? Important? Not really, more than likely you feel like you are a bother to them.

How about then you talk with someone and they make eye contact with you while you are speaking. They listen intently and ask pertinent questions. They touch your arm or your shoulder and show a genuine reaction to what you are saying. That shows they have interest in you as a person.

When someone smiles and touches you, laughs along with you and pays you a compliment, you instantly like them. What’s not to like? It is couples like this that have the most success in the lifestyle (and probably everywhere else). When someone is happy to see you and gives you a warm greeting, you can’t help but like them.

What about the opposite? The couple who saunters into a swing club or party and does not smile. They do not greet anyone and do not make eye contact. They stand together in a way that makes them seem unapproachable. If people do approach them, they appear to be bothered by their presence, like they have something better to do than speak with them. How much success is this couple going to have?

We have witnessed couples like this before. They think they are a beautiful couple and seem to believe that anyone would be lucky to play with them. After spending their night alone in the front of the club they move to the backroom where they think they will have more success.

The backroom etiquette is not unlike the front. If you are friendly and warm, and you want to play with others, assuming your hygiene is up to par, there is no reason that you cannot find others to play with. However, if you stand around waiting for someone to approach you when you have a truly unfriendly look on your face, prepare to stand alone all night. If another couple is brave enough to approach you, and you treat them with indifference, they will probably move on rather quickly.

Couples who are engaging are generally fun to play with. They are not selfish and difficult to deal with, and others make note of that for the future. However, if you think you are doing another couple a favor by letting them touch you and play with you while you are looking around and keeping your hands behind you, good luck next time.
The lifestyle can be a pretty tight knit community. Swing clubs, more often than not, have a core group that know each other very well. Many couples spend 2 or more nights per week in the club and have known each other for years. The majority of these swingers are happy to meet new people and can spot the friendly ones right away. The couples who walk in acting like they own the place don’t seem to realize what a big turn off that is to others. To the couples who are regulars, they know the couple is new and don’t understand what the attitude is about. To the other new couples, they are uncomfortable because they make them feel unwanted.

We have witnessed new couples sitting around the perimeter of the dance floor pointing and laughing at couples who are dancing. Do they think other people can’t see them? Most people find that type of behavior offensive and would avoid that couple. Other couples smile and try to attract attention by saying hello to couples they have never met. Which couples would you prefer to meet?

Attitude is everything. If you want to be successful in the lifestyle, you must be friendly to everyone. It does not mean you want to play with everyone, but everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness.

If you want to be successful when you swing, treat others as you would like to be treated. Smile, be friendly, be warm and be kind.