People who are not in the lifestyle, equate swinging with infidelity. Obviously, for people who swing, this is absolutely untrue. According to dictionary.com. infidelity means:
It is not uncommon to hear people who are not in the lifestyle to question why couples swing. Besides that they imagine swingers to be perverted deviants, their perception of swingers is really off. They have a hard time understanding why people would be open to having sex with someone other than their spouse. More than that, they cannot fathom why swingers do not get upset with the fact that their significant others are doing this.
Let’s consider this: if a department store invited you to visit anytime, and take what you needed for free, would you ever feel the need to steal something from them? Silly question right? How can you steal something if they are giving it to you for free? Let’s say you are in school and need help on an exam and the teacher tells you anytime you don’t know an answer to just ask her and she will tell you. Would you need to copy off someone’s paper? What would be the point? The teacher has already offered the free help, right? It is the same in the lifestyle. Your partner offers to let you swing with other people, why would you need to do this behind their back? That is not to say that it never happens because it probably does, but what it is the point?
It is very common when you speak with swingers to hear how surprised they were when they first entered the lifestyle to discover how in love swingers seemed to be. It was exactly the opposite of what they had imagined. If couples were so in love, what drove them into the lifestyle? The best answer is probably honesty.
The relationship between a couple who chooses to swing has to be very open and honest. In order to swing, they had to get to the point where they could admit that although they love each other, they would like to try something else. It is normal for couples to fall into a routine or rut with their sex life. Some couples try to spice things up by watching porn, using toys, trying different positions or even going to strip clubs. What happens when that is not enough?
For couples not in the lifestyle, unfortunately, they might look to someone else to fill that void. Infidelity is exceptionally selfish. One person in the couple chooses to find excitement that is lost with their partner while the other partner makes do with the lack of fulfillment. Sometimes both parts of the couple choose to be unfaithful to each other while maintaining the facade of a wonderful marriage. How long can that last?
When you consider the avenue swingers take, it seems more logical and loving. Swinging is something couples do together. They venture into the lifestyle as a couple not to find someone to replace their partner, but to find couples to spice up their sex life. The excitement is something they experience together. The only sneaking around these couples might be engaging in, is from their family and friends. Swinging creates a very strong bond; you are naughty together.
When you consider the freedom that swinging brings to both members of the couple, who would feel the need to cheat? Sure, there are always exceptions, but that shows a true character fault. Generally speaking, swingers would agree that they have no reason to cheat. Swinging helps them to avoid infedelity.
Many couples who have been in the lifestyle for many years reach different levels of comfort with separating while swinging. Some couples have no problem allowing their significant other to play on their own while traveling or with friends they have met in the lifestyle. They talk about how much pleasure they get just from hearing about the escapades of their partners. The only request they make of each other is to tell them about what they do when they play on their own. Some couples never separate and continue their swinging journey side by side. Either way, the degree of trust and freedom is immeasurable compared with those not in the lifestyle.
Everyone is different and perhaps there are couples who never feel the desire to play outside their marriage. It seems that number would be very low when you consider how rampant infidelity is.
My question to those not in the lifestyle is this: why not try to explore together what both of you are secretly wishing for? It is impossible to believe that every married adult at some point has not fantasized about having sex with someone else. A neighbor, a teacher, a coworker, someone famous or your spouse’s best friend. The best part about swinging is that these are no longer secrets or fantasies! You and your partner not only talk about what your sexual fantasies are, you experience them together. What could be more honest and intimate than that? That is what creates such a strong bond between swingers. When you have everything you need at home, why would you need to go elsewhere?
Prior to entering the lifestyle, most new swingers tend to have the same concern: what if we run into someone we know? Will they tell other people they saw us? It is normal for new swingers to worry about this, especially if they are looking to swing close to home. Some people are well known in their community and even without disclosing their last name, people might readily recognize them. It is normal to be apprehensive before getting started.
Prior to our first visit to a swing club, I was terrified that we would see people we know. As it turned out, we did. We saw four couples that we knew. As soon as I spotted the first couple I grabbed my husband and told him we had to leave. He insisted that it would be fine. Within moments of my spotting one couple, they turned and saw us. They walked right over and welcomed us to the club. They were so warm and clearly happy to see us. They then introduced us to a group of their friends. When I voiced concern about knowing so many people, they assured me that people are very discreet and would never discuss what or who they see at a swing club.
Most swingers will tell you that lifestyle events are filled with many couples but the theme is always the same: what happens in the lifestyle, stays in the lifestyle. Although there are couples who are open with their friends and families about the fact that they swing, the majority of swingers choose to keep this private. Should new swingers worry about those couples talking freely about who they see when they are swinging? Probably not because that would cause people to distrust them and keep their distance.
Many couples look to begin swinging by joining an online site for swingers. It can be a bit daunting when the first thing the site asks the new swingers for is personal information and a photo. Luckily, most sites do not require a photo of your face and names and addresses are used solely for payment purposes. They all offer the option to choose a screen name and to post pictures that you are comfortable with. Many sites offer private photo gallery options which allow you to keep your photos private. To let others view them, you must give them a secret code to unlock the photos. Online swinger sites make finding couples you already know very difficult. Without asking a couple for their screen name, chances are you would not even find them if you looked for them. The same goes for curiosity seekers; first they would have to pay to join, then finding people they know without knowing their screen names would be almost impossible.
While it is true that many swingers shy away from online profiles with no pictures readily available, not all do. Some couples will understand your need for privacy, as many people on these sites have tech savvy children as well. Although people will argue that the site is password protected, some folks out there will still be too worried to post photos.
Swing clubs are always a very easy way to get started in the lifestyle, but again, newbies worry that they will see someone they know. This is always a possibility but again, if you are both at the club, you are both there for the same reason. Chances are, you will become better friends because you already know each other.
What if you are a public figure of some kind? This means other people will know who you are but you will not know who they are. That seems to be the biggest concern of all for well known new swingers. If you are someone who is in a position of power, what if people who work around you in lesser positions spot you. Will they talk about it at work? After all, that would be good gossip. That is always a possibility but again, in order to out you, they have to out themselves. In this case, being friendly and warm will serve you better in the long run. It is less likely that people will talk about you if they like you.
There is never any guarantee that people will not somehow discover your secret life but that should not keep you from enjoying the lifestyle. There are so many wonderful people who swing and they are not really interested in who you are outside of the lifestyle. They, like you, are there to have a good time. Life is too short to always worry ‘what if’!
Is swinging merely friends expressing their friendship sexually?
We get a lot of emails not only our customers, but from people who are curious about swinging. We recently received an email from someone who could not understand the dynamics of swinging. Sadly, like so many people who are not in the lifestyle, they wondered if every friendship swingers enter into was ultimately with the hope of swinging.
I can hear every swinger around the world groaning, and believe me, I feel your pain. First of all, swingers are not sexual deviants disguised as normal people. (Perhaps some are, but not most.) Even when swingers go to a swing club, lifestyle resort or party, most are not open to playing with everyone at the club or event. Just like vanilla people, swingers choose to be with people that turn them on. Believe it or not, even if they find a vanilla friend or coworker attractive, they will not pursue them for sex. It simply does not work like this.
I remember my husband confiding in a close vanilla friend, years ago, that we were in the lifestyle. What do you think his first question was? He wanted to know if my husband and I had talked about having sex with he and his wife. Now this was awkward. The truth is, we had never even thought about it. They are nice people, but since they are not swingers, it never came up in conversation. Believe it or not, he seemed insulted by the answer. Who’s crazy now?
What we discovered is that although vanilla people don’t want you to hit on them, they want to believe that you would be sexually attracted to them if they were swingers. (Shaking my head.)
The second question was whether or not we had interest in anyone in our circle of vanilla friends. Again, no, we never thought about it.
Swingers will tell you that if they do not get a radar reading about another person or couple being active in the lifestyle, chance are, they are not thinking about having sex with them. That is not to say that swingers never fantasize about friends and coworkers, but that is different from contemplating hitting on them!
Back to the original question: is swinging merely friends expressing their friendship sexually?
Many swingers have lifestyle friends that they do not have sex with. They enjoy their company, as you would any vanilla friend, but they are not attracted to each other. Sometimes you are strictly sexually attracted to a couple but have nothing else in common. You play with them but do not seek them out socially. Swinging is a lot like dating. With some people you hit it off and the chemistry is right so there is sex. With others, there is no chemistry, but yet you enjoy each other’s company so perhaps remain friends. Still then, there are people with whom you have chemistry with but little else in common.
Swinging is really not such a complicated phenomenon. Perhaps the easiest way to think about swinging is like dating for couples. Dating for swingers, however, at times seems like the opposite progression from actual dating. Couples seek out other couples for sex. Sometimes you all enjoy each other’s company and a friendship is born; other times you remain acquaintances and say a quick hello when you see each other. Some couples prefer to follow the same pattern as regular dating: they like to meet couples that they have something in common with and then have sex. The problem is when you are dealing with four personalities, it can be much more complicated to find a good match where everyone is happy.
For this reason, many couples simply look for the sexual chemistry first and the friendship second.
If swinging were merely friends expressing their friendship sexually, swingers would be having sex with all of their lifestyle friends and they are not. What is different about friendships within the lifestyle is that they are sexual in nature. Swingers talk freely about sex and are not shy to be naked in front of each other. What brings them together as friends is their uninhibited attitudes.
For those of you who are asking about the lifestyle I encourage you to check it out. The worst case scenario is that it is not for you. At least this way you know what it is all about and whether or not it is something that interests you. I will say that for people who are curious enough to ask about it, chances are the lifestyle is something you will enjoy!
Communication; why it is so important for couples in the lifestyle.
We frequently hear swingers asking what makes some couples more successful than others in the lifestyle. The number one reason why some couples are able to remain in the lifestyle for so many years always comes down to the same reason: they have learned to communicate with each other.
Although swinging can be a lot of fun, it can also cause a lot of pain. It is not easy for everyone to watch their spouse or significant other being intimate with someone else. We are programmed from the time we are very young to believe that intimacy takes place between two loving adults (usually married adults). When we start to swing, although it can be extremely exciting, it can also bring up a lot of issues between couples. Watching your partner in a passionate embrace with someone else can be confusing and intimidating. Many people who are new to the lifestyle will wonder “what if he likes her better” or “what if he is better in bed than I am”?
The worst way to handle these feelings is to keep them to yourself. Many couples do not discuss these feelings because they are, after all, in a swing club and this is what couples are there for, right? It is normal for your wife to squeal with delight while having sex (even if it has been a long time since she did this with you), right? Why say something when clearly she was having a good time. Sure, you feel a little hurt that she didn’t notice you couldn’t get an erection. You kissed her shoulder to get her to help you out but she was busy and didn’t seem to feel your touch.
So the night is over and you drive home in silence. You imagine she is replaying the wonderful time she had in her head. You want to talk about it but her eyes are closed and you don’t want to bother her. This scenario is the start of a problem. Keeping hurt feelings to yourself will only snowball over time. If you are not letting your partner know that something bothers you, how can they need to change the behavior for next time?
If a couple doesn’t rehash every encounter, it can lead to problems down the line. Even if both people were happy with the night, something should be said. This allows both people to talk about why it was good or bad and what could have been done differently. If it was a positive encounter then talk about why it worked for you both. If it was not positive, what was the problem and how can you avoid something like this in the future? Blaming your partner or becoming upset or hostile is not the best way to get your point across. Try showing your partner how it felt from your perspective while allowing them to do the same. Come up with a game plan for the future so that if you find yourselves in a similar situation, you both know exactly what to do to avoid a problem.
The real problems begin when although you are communicating the good and the bad, your partner continues with the same behaviors that have bothered you in the past. This should indicate to you that your partner does not have your best interest at heart. This says your partner is there on their own terms and this is a red flag. Good communication should result in more positive encounters. If this is not the case, something is wrong.
Every couple who swings, whether you are seasoned or newbies, full swap or soft, will have situations that arise at some point. Shying away from a frank conversation will never help to solve the problems. If you are afraid of upsetting your partner by letting them know how you feel, then something is very wrong with your relationship and perhaps swinging is not for you. Couples who are honest and upfront with each other have the best chance at long term success in the lifestyle.
Couples who communicate openly and honestly are the happiest couples both in and out of the lifestyle. When the two of you are able to express what works for you and what does not, there is never any reason to worry that your partner does not know how different situations make you feel. Good communication is the sign of a happy and mature relationship. It is proof positive that couples are committed to each other and are supportive of each other.
Just remember that good communication requires honesty. It is important to convey to each other what makes you happy and what types of things are hurtful. If a couple truly loves and respects each other, things should be much easier to navigate when you know exactly how each other feels.
Why do swingers feel the need to keep their lifestyle a secret? I frequently hear people say that nobody knows that they are in the lifestyle. They would die if someone found out. Why is that? At first I wondered if these people were very religious, but they are not. I wondered if their children were at an age that it would create confusion and uncertainty, but they are not. Do they think they are doing something criminal or unethical? They do not. Hmm. Would exposure embarrass them? This question got a nod. Embarrassed, why?
Admitting that you are a swinger should be a lot less traumatic than admitting you are having an affair, no? After all, one is cheating and lying to someone you say you are in love with, the other is not. Swingers are out having a great time, enjoying parties and events that others can only dream of. Cheaters are sneaking around, worrying that at any moment they will be caught, which would certainly disrupt their lives and the lives of those around them.
I wonder how many swingers are truly living this lifestyle unbeknownst to their friends and family. Probably not nearly as many as believe they are. Often times I watch swingers arrive at a club clad in an over sized trench coat in the middle of the summer. When I ask these women if their family or neighbors don’t find this strange they say they don’t think so. Really? It’s 90 degrees outside and you leave your house or condo wearing a trench coat cinched at the waste with stiletto heels and nobody thinks that’s odd?
Many swingers have said that when they finally decided to reveal the truth about their lifestyle, their friends and family members were not surprised. Many said they had known about it for years but understood the swinger couple wanted to keep it to themselves. (If these were the trench coat women, it’s no wonder people knew.)
What about the family and friends who were told, who did not know anything or suspect anything about the lifestyle? Were they shocked and appalled? Not according to the people I have spoken with. Most said that more than anything, they were curious about swinging. They asked a lot of questions but did not seem to have a negative reaction. Many couples said that both friends and many family members (mostly siblings), eventually asked if they could tag along one night to see what it was all about.
Swingers would be surprised (or maybe not) to learn how connected the lifestyle is; even for people in some type of lifestyle related business. The industry is comprised of the most friendly, warm and helpful group of people. All of us have one goal, and that is to unite the lifestyle community. Most people I work with all say the same thing: I am more interested in connecting people in the lifestyle than in making money. Sure, it is a business, but it is also very personal. Who wouldn’t want to be associated with such a genuine group of people? Most of them have said that their families and friends know they are swingers and take it in stride. They felt no judgement when they told others about it and feel completely comfortable that people know.
Like any other group, in order to gain acceptance, we must learn to stand up for what we believe in. Swingers should not be ashamed of their lifestyle. Obviously it is not necessary to divulge what you do when you are at a swing club, or party or other event, any more than you would give blow by blow (pun intended) details to others about what you and your significant other do in your bedroom. No need to reveal that you participated in a gang bang with 15+ men last Saturday or tried double penetration for the first time and loved it. Many swingers don’t swap, and many people in the lifestyle are not swingers. Enjoying the warm atmosphere that accompanies the lifestyle is a wonderful thing and people should not have to hide from it.
There are many well known actors and singers who are open about their lifestyle choices and for some reason, people find this ‘normal’ and acceptable. Why? Why are they held to a different standard than the rest of us. Because they are famous? Even with their disclosure they are still sought after and some of them are highly influential people.
Revealing to others that you are open minded should not be a negative thing. After all, if you think about it, being a part of the lifestyle really doesn’t mean more than that. If your children or parents told you the same thing, would it concern you? Sure, at first it might come as a surprise but would you be upset or concerned? Probably not.
When we initially came up with the concept for the jewelry, we had just this vision in mind. Wear the jewelry with pride. First of all, others do not know what it means. Secondly, even if they did, what does it really say about you? That you are open minded, nothing more.
Let’s continue the movement to unite the lifestyle. There is a lot to be learned from people who choose to be apart of it. Honesty, respect and fun are the three hallmarks of the lifestyle. What could be better than that?
When we think about swinging, we do not think about love. The purpose of swinging is to have fun. To find another couple or a single man or woman to fulfill a fantasy. Sex is a physical act and does not require love to participate. Swinging equates to sex without love whereas a marriage incorporates love and sex.
To people who are not in the lifestyle, it is a very difficult concept for them to grasp. They frequently ask if couples in the lifestyle if they are afraid that their partner could fall in love with someone else. Sure, anything is possible, but you do not have to be a swinger to be at risk of falling in love with someone else.
Swinging has nothing to do with love. Swingers do not seek out the lifestyle to find a partner to share their life with. Single swingers might be looking for someone who shares their lifestyle views but couples are not there for this reason.
Vanilla couples cannot understand how swingers do not get jealous when they see their partner with someone else but it always reminds me of something from the Bible. The following is a part of the passage, not the entire thing: (I am not religious, or Catholic, but this always comes to mind):
Love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy, it does not put on airs, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. So Faith, Hope and Love abide these three; But the Greatest of these is Love.”
In my opinion, the only role love plays in swinging, is between the couple that decides together that they would like to explore the lifestyle. You love your partner enough to give them the freedom to partake in things they otherwise could not, and you find joy in seeing them enjoy those things. You have faith in your partner; you allow them to play because you are sure they will come back to you. You are able to express love for each other by forging your own path. You do not allow others to dictate to you what is normal. Although society equates love with monogamy, you choose to define love your own way and you know the love between you and your partner is mutually exclusive. You hope that your love is forever and that these experiences will only enrich your lives.
There is no love between couples that play but there can be infatuation or lust. How can you love someone that you don’t really know? The person who shows up at parties or swing clubs or on vacations or cruises allows you to see only a small part of who they are. The real person is the one who has to get up for work in the mornings; the person who has to clean up after their children or their dog. The true person is not always dancing and having fun but paying bills and dealing with stress. Until you know that person, how can you really know that you love them?
The part of swinging that makes it so enjoyable is that we get to dress up, have a few drinks, dance or socialize then move onto the swinging aspect. Spending an evening with swingers is like going out on New Year’s Eve. It’s always a big party, but is that real life? It is an awful lot of fun and the environment lends itself to getting hot for other people, but that is the whole point. We go into swing clubs looking for others to spend a few hours with but not our lives.
If people in the lifestyle were not able to separate sex and love, swinging could not exist. It is the rare couple who can find that delicate balance and make it work. If couples were constantly falling in love with each other, swing clubs would be empty. Who would want to risk their relationship for an evening of fun?
The most important thing is to keep perspective. Having sex with someone else is just for a moment of pleasure, whereas being in a committed relationship is hopefully for a lifetime.
Trust is something that is vitally important for any relationship to be successful. Some people believe that trust is more important than love in order to sustain a healthy relationship with another person. According to dictionary.com, trust means the following:
1. Reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. Confident expectation of something; hope.
3. Confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit:
If you cannot rely upon or have confidence in the person you share your life with, there are sure to be problems between the two of you. Having trust in another person allows you to feel both confident and safe.
What are some of the ways in which people allow others to trust them?
For one, being dependable for you partner is critical. If your partner knows that regardless of the situation they can turn to you for help and you will be there for them, that helps to build a solid foundation. Supporting your partner is very important. If they need to talk to you about something, be available to them. Don’t diminish their feelings when they open up about something that concerns them. Even if something seems silly or unimportant to you, it might feel the exact opposite to them. Make sure your partner knows you care about them. Don’t just nod your head when they speak, listen to what they are saying and try to help them through the situation.
Trust is not built around control. If you try to control your partner, it makes them feel that you have no confidence in them. Allow them the freedom to do what is best for them and for you, without your interference. Show your partner respect by trusting them around other people. If something is bothering you, discuss it with your partner, not other people. Talking about your partner is never helpful in either resolving problems or in building trust between the two of you.
So how does trust come into play in the lifestyle? Most people believe that their fellow swingers have no trust issues with their partners. How can they? Swinging is built around the philosophy of an open marriage. Without trust, how could you possibly swing?
Trust is critically important in the lifestyle, perhaps even more so, than in the vanilla world. Swingers allow their partners to not only flirt with others, but to have sex with other people. The majority of their time spent in lifestyle venues is for the purpose of finding others to have sex with. If something is happening that makes one person uncomfortable, this could lead to disaster for the couple.
In order for swingers to be successful in the lifestyle, couples must be proficient in communicating with one another. Nothing can be held back when talking about the lifestyle. If one person is feeling insecure or uncomfortable about something, it must be spoken about immediately. Trust is the most important factor in determining the success or failure of a couple who decides to enter the lifestyle.
Often times one person is actually acting in a way that their partner finds offensive but to keep the peace, they let it slide. It is very important to make sure your partner comes first in the lifestyle regardless of how long the two of you have been swinging. From the moment you step foot into a swing club or party, you must remember you are a couple first and foremost. Make sure your partner is happy and comfortable at all times. Your partner must feel that you are there for them no matter what the circumstance. Does your partner need a refill for their drink, would they like to dance, do they like the people you are talking with? Are you paying attention to everyone except them? Is there a person you find attractive and are spending too much time watching them or trying to flirt with them? Although in your mind that is why you are at the club or the party, your partner might not appreciate the way in which you approach swinging. A simple loving gesture from time to time goes a long way to letting your partner know you are thinking of them. Hold their hand, a gentle kiss or even touching their hair will let them feel that you are thinking about them.
One of the best ways to ensure your partner will always be happy and comfortable is to consider how you would feel if the tables were turned. Always treat your partner as you would like to be treated. Jealousy is always a possibility in the lifestyle. Although couples always say neither of them gets jealous, this is not always the truth. In order to make sure your partner has no reason to feel jealous, let them know by your actions that they always come first. A united couple is a secure couple. Just like it is important for your partner to trust you, it is equally as important for potential swinger couples to trust you. Nobody wants to find themselves in a situation with a couple who is having problems. It can only lead to disaster for everyone involved and seasoned swingers can spot these couples a mile away.
Swinging is wonderful for couples who are honestly able to trust one another. One of the reasons some couples are so successful in the lifestyle is because of their honest communication. The talk about what they both feel comfortable with and what makes them uncomfortable. They speak honestly about what they like and dislike. Successful couples are like football players. They have a game plan and they stick with it. They have rules and boundaries regarding swinging. They talk about things before they arrive at an event and they rehash how things went afterwards. If something did not go as planned, they discuss how they could have done things differently. They operate as a team. They are in this together and it shows. These are the couples who have the best chance of success in the lifestyle.
Trust is something that people earn from others. When we first meet someone, we never know if we can trust them. It is over time, through actions and words that we discover that either this person is honest and we can rely on them, or they are not and we cannot have confidence in them. If trust was an issue prior to entering the lifestyle, swinging can exacerbate this problem tenfold. If this is an issue for your couple, the lifestyle is probably not the place for you.