Swingers generally believe that they are keeping their lifestyle a secret. They go about their lives in the vanilla world with their children and their jobs waiting for the weekends. Suddenly, as the weekend arrives, these regular Jones change into party animals. You can spot them by the clothing they wear and the smiles on their faces. Most swingers I know, anxiously await the time to leave their homes for their night out.
Don’t get me wrong, all through the week swingers are mentally planning their next adventure whether it be a meet and greet, hotel takeover, visit to a swing club or a night at a private party. Women are planning what they will wear and men are stocking up on their liquor of choice (swing events are almost always bring your own bottle). They might outwardly appear to be regular people, with regular lives, but come the weekend, all bets are off!
At some point, many swingers come to the realization that perhaps their private life is not such a secret after all. It might be a family member or close friend who mentions that they have been aware for some time that the two of you are swingers. It might be the way people look at you or subjects they talk to you about. Sometimes people will not come right out and confront you but will drop subtle hints hoping you will start the dialogue. Whatever the case, if you are active in the lifestyle, chances are, some people close to you have figured it out.
Ok, so now someone has confronted you and you figure what the heck, I will fess up. The first question they are likely to ask is: why are you swingers?
This is the best question ever! I would probably respond by saying, “How much time do you have?”
The reasons that bring people into the lifestyle are probably not the reasons that keep them there. Many people enter the lifestyle because they are curious or would like to play out their fantasies or see their partner do something while they watch. Those are not really the reasons people stay in the lifestyle. Once you know what is behind that door, if you are like most people, you don’t want to close it!
So why are we swingers? Let’s see… before we were in the lifestyle, our weekends were pretty predictable. Friday nights were usually met with the same “what do you want to do tonight” followed by the same question on Saturday night. It’s not that we didn’t have a social life, we did, and we had plenty of friends. However, how many weekends can you spend going out for dinner or a movie? Parties? Most parties were for birthdays or holidays, but not really more than that. When we did have these weekly dinners with friends what did we talk about? Almost every time we would talk about our children and perhaps work. Occasionally, something more exciting like a current event or the new nail girl somebody had found. Thrilling, right?
Enter, the lifestyle… What do we now do on weekends? Go to parties or swing clubs every single Friday and Saturday night. What do we talk about with our lifestyle friends? Sex! Well, not just sex, we talk about everything. Our conversations are open and honest about our lives and our relationships. Lifestyle friends allow us to speak openly about what we do both in our bedroom and in the backroom. With these friends we talk about new sex toys and tasty lubes. We talk about where we shop for our club clothes and stiletto heels. Often, we talk about what we did with our friends’ husbands and we laugh often! When we are with our lifestyle friends, we plan lifestyle vacations and outings. The more friends we meet while there, the better! We have sleepovers and weekday excursions whenever possible.
Why are we swingers? Because our lives have never been more fun or full! It is like being a teenager all over again but without all the drama! We dance and party until all hours of the night and whatever we do on any given night is over when we walk out the door. It becomes a fun memory to be rehashed over breakfast with our significant other the next morning. There is nothing quite like sharing a naughty secret with your significant other! The looks you give each other and the snickers between the two of you are priceless. You become partners in crime and it does wonders for a relationship.
The lifestyle is all about fun! So the next time someone discovers you are a swinger and they ask why, I would ask them “why not?!”
Lifestyle friends are the best friends you can have. It occurred to me this morning when I got a call from a friend in the lifestyle. This friend and her husband were away for the week and she wanted to catch up. The conversation opened with her telling me that she had finally tried double penetration during their stay at a lifestyle resort. She then filled me in on all the sexy details of their trip. She gave me blow by blow details of the parties, the playrooms even what she wore to the different events. Luckily her husband had packed some viagra because towards the end of their stay he was in need!
When I hung up the phone I was smiling just thinking about all the fun they had. Just then, my phone rang again and it was a very good friend who is not in the lifestyle. When I asked how her weekend was, she told me it was great. They had dinner with her husband’s law partners on Friday and went to a wine tasting on Saturday. On Sunday she took a yoga class and that was all she had to report.
Hmm. I wonder if they had sex. I was tempted to ask but decided not to as it is not something we generally talk about. She asked me how my weekend was and I said it was nice. We went to a swing club on Friday and rolled home around 3:30 in the morning. Saturday we hosted a party at our home and within an hour of our guests arriving, we were all naked in the hot tub having sex. Some guests slept over and the party continued until late Sunday night. Of course, I told her none of that but instead said we did the usual, nothing special, which in essence, is true.
When I was done on the phone it occurred to me that there is such a huge difference in my relationship with these two women. One woman I have known for the past 25 years and the other for about two years. I have had sex with one of their husbands, the other I have not. I have played with one of the women, the other I have not even kissed. We have shared everything from husbands, to underwear to sex toys. My lifestyle friend knows the true me. When I have a real issue, it is she to whom I turn, not the friend that I have known for 25 years. That says a lot.
The depth of the relationship between lifestyle friends and vanilla friends cannot compare. It was the first time I realized how well my vanilla friend would say she knows me when in fact, she does not really know very much about me at all. When you must keep a secret that is such a huge part of who you are from someone, is that friendship not slightly tainted?
I think everyone in the lifestyle at some point, considers telling either friends or family about swinging. Most people never reveal this to anyone in their outside life because they do not think people would find this acceptable. They prefer to keep that part of their lives a secret, which is totally understandable. There is no doubt that there are people who would not be okay with what swingers do. Is that a reason to break a friendship? Swingers are not looking to lose their vanilla friends because they swing but are their vanilla friends going to drift away if they find out? Do men and women differ on this? Are men more curious and less judgmental than women?
When we were new to the lifestyle we did confide in a couple that were close friends at the time. We were not as available as we had been in the past and they were concerned. Obviously they were shocked when we told them that we were spending time at a swing club. It was awkward to get through dinner with them because after we confided in them, the woman became very quiet. The man waited until the next day and phoned my husband at work to ask him all about it. He wanted to know if we would invite them to come with us to the club one night. Clearly, this couple was not on the same page. The woman basically disappeared from my life after that night and her husband remained friendly with my husband.
When you think about a “good friend” walking away because of your lifestyle choices, it makes you question the integrity of the friendship. What does the fact that we swing have to do with our vanilla friends? We haven’t actually changed as people. We do enjoy activities which might not seem right to them but should they be judging us? They were friendly with us for many years not having a clue that we went to strip clubs very often. Having weekly lap dances by girls did not seem to make me lesser of a friend, but I suppose it’s because they did not know about it.
Lifestyle friends are more honest. They are honest with their spouses and they are honest with themselves. They are not afraid to be open and it makes for an incredibly enriching relationship. Even if double penetration is not my thing, I would never judge her for participating in it. It’s her body and her decision. The best part is she knows I would never judge her for anything she chooses to do as long as it isn’t hurting anyone. There are women who love to be a part of a gang bang. They want upwards of 5, 10 maybe 15 men to have sex with in one night. Never have I heard anyone in a swing club judge these women for what turns them on. Who are we to judge?
Most couples would agree that over time the lifestyle creeps up on us and before we realize it, the majority of our friends are swingers. Dinner parties for us do not include food and it doesn’t really matter what you are wearing to a party because it won’t stay on for long. Sleepovers are common occurrences and we think nothing of sharing lube and sex toys.
My friend and her husband spent a weekend at our home not too long ago. We naturally played with each other’s husband and after she asked me if I enjoyed it. I said I did and she said, “I just wanted to make sure he took care of you or I would be mad at him.” Of course, she was joking but is that not a good friend? When I told her how I felt she said, “That’s what friends are for, no?”
Lifestyle friends are the kind of friends that you can count on for just about anything. Although we share the sexual side of our lives with each other, that is not all it’s about. It’s a community of close knit friends who can sit on each others laps on a nude beach and drink from each others glasses without anyone giving you a funny look.
With these friends you can say what’s on your mind and nobody will judge you for it. If you give your friend’s husband a back massage (or blow job) there is no jealousy or concern. You can speak openly about something of concern and you will notice ten people trying to help you sort things out. Lifestyle friends are old enough to be our parents and young enough to be our children, yet age is not a factor in our friendship.
It’s a wonderful thing to know that there is a whole community out there that has your back. Sure, vanilla friends can be wonderful, supportive and warm, but if they can’t know your true essence, they can only be so close. I don’t keep secrets from my lifestyle friends but I cannot say the same about my vanilla friends. That says it all.
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Swinging can sometimes be a beautiful expression of love. I have no doubt that when some people see this title and they are not in the lifestyle, it will conjure up an image of a 1960s love fest; something reminiscent of Woodstock. This really could not be farther from my point.
I met a couple last night while at a swing club and speaking with them really opened my eyes to how love can play a part in swinging. This couple met when they were kids and were married before they even graduated from high school. They entered the lifestyle as a mutual decision because neither had ever had sex with anyone else and as a couple they were honest enough to express their curiosity.
I don’t believe that most people can be this honest with their spouse. If couples were able to have this level of honest communication, there would be a lot less infidelity and a lot more swingers!
This couple is adorable to listen to. The woman told us that prior to the lifestyle, she had not realized that her husband was not only a good lover but he was well endowed! She had nothing to compare him with prior to her first experience as a swinger. He echoed a similar sentiment and it made me realize how swinging has really helped to elevate their relationship to a whole new level.
This is an aspect of swinging that is lost to the vanilla world. Without having these experiences, they cannot relate to the degree of honesty and trust that is needed to do this. To have an honest conversation with your spouse about having a desire to have sex with someone else is not easy. We all already know this, as we see time and time again on all of the forums, where newcomers are asking how to bring up the subject to their significant other. Most people would be highly insulted and hurt to hear their partner admit that they would like to try having sex with someone else. The initial reaction is to think something is wrong with you and that is why your partner is seeking something else. The truth is, if your partner didn’t love and respect you, they would do what most people who are not in the lifestyle do, they would simply do it behind your back. When your partner wants to include you in this, it is only because they love and respect you. When done correctly, the lifestyle can bring couples closer than ever.
Love and sex are both wonderful and when the two are not mutually exclusive, anything is possible.
Today is Halloween! What are you planning to dress up as this year? A policeman, Little Red Ridinghood maybe a schoolgirl?
Whatever the case, if you are one of those “shy” people, perhaps this is the perfect time for you to take advantage and go after what you want! There are women in the lifestyle who always wear a wig when they are at a lifestyle event. They claim they have more confidence because people do not recognize them and they like it that way. Costumes are also a good conversation starter. Complimenting others on how clever they are or how perfect their costume is makes it easy to open the dialogue. Once you have begun a conversation it is easy to introduce yourselves and ask the other couple questions about themselves.
The most common question asked of swingers seems to be, “How do I get my husband/wife/girlfriend, etc. into the lifestyle?” There are many people out there who know about swinging and would like to swing, but don’t know how to bring up the subject.
We have gotten quite a few emails from people who actually ask us this question. I’m not sure how I became the “Dr. Ruth” of swinging but I really don’t mind trying to help.
The majority of the time, this question comes from a man, but we have had women ask us as well. The interesting part is that several of the people said the same thing. We talk about having sex with others when we are having sex and she seems really turned on by the thought.
It is always a good sign if you have a good sexual relationship and can talk about things before you bring this up. It would seem to me that when you approach the subject, it should not be in the bedroom. Many people like to fantasize to get excited but are not really prepared to act on these erotic imageries. Several men said their wives get very turned when talking about having sex with multiple men at once. The operative word here is talk. There is a good chance that she is not prepared to actually do this in real life. So how can you make this happen?
Try talking about how much you love when she/he is so turned on when the two of you have sex. You love that she likes to watch porn or to fantasize and it is amazing that the two of you can share this together. Mention that something you have always fantasized about was seeing other people have sex. Live sex, not on tv. How hot would that be? This way you mention your desire to find a place where you can actually watch others having sex, but you are not making your partner feel that they will have to be a part of it.
Check her reaction to a suggestion such as watching live sex. Does she look at you like you are crazy or does she have a flicker of interest? If you get the ‘you’re crazy’ look, drop it and mention it again in a few days. This time maybe say you came across this swing club online or in a magazine or a newspaper. After a while, she might get used to the thought and should be willing to just go and take a look. Again, it is extremely important to let her know that you just want to see it. That is all you want. This is, the first step.
Most women I have met in the lifestyle agree that it was not their idea to enter a swing club or check out any type of lifestyle venue. It is almost always the man’s suggestion. However, I will tell you that the woman is the one who requests to return. That being said, the major obstacle for most couples, is getting your partner to walk through the front door for the first time.
The smartest approach for many men seems to be to give the woman control of the situation from the very beginning. When you are able to get her to agree to try it out for one night, encourage her to buy something new that will make her feel good. It is not important that she dress overly sexy, only that she feel good about herself. Try not to be overly eager about getting to the club or event. If you take a more casual attitude towards going, it will make her less nervous. Most important of all, is when you arrive for the evening, make sure she is your number one priority. Check to make sure she is comfortable. Make her feel special and attractive. If you walk in and start ogling all the other women, she will not like the environment from the get go. It is ok to be friendly, but let her take the lead and decide who she is comfortable talking to or not talking to. The same goes for a woman bringing a man. If you start to flirt with other people right away, your partner will feel insecure. Swinging must be about the two of you as a couple. If you leave your partner in the background during your visit, chances are, you will not be returning to any type of lifestyle event with them in the future.
The lifestyle is an amazing, exciting and warm environment. There is no real reason why anyone would not enjoy it, as long as it is approached the right way. The number one problem that couples seem to have, which stops them from ever getting comfortable in the lifestyle, is jealousy. Nobody enjoys feeling insecure or left out. If you do not make it a priority to see to it that your partner is comfortable, they will not want to put themselves in this situation again, and who can blame them?
When you are new to swining, it is very important to take your time. Do not enter the lifestyle and think you should swing right away. It is more important to get adjusted to the situation before you take the plunge. Make sure that when you think you are both ready to take the next step, you have discussed it and know what you are both comfortable with. Always make sure to notice if your significant other is ok if you do swap with another couple.
At the end of any night together it is a good idea to talk about the experience to make sure she/he was happy and comfortable with what happened. As long as you keep the lines of communication open from the start, you should have no trouble joining the lifestyle and making it a smooth transition. Swinging should be something wonderful for both members of a couple. It cannot work if one person is dragging the other person into it against their will.
Good luck and keep us posted!!
This blog was written for Partners ID by Kennedy M., a single woman in the lifestyle.
Most swingers prefer to keep the fact that they are in the lifestyle to themselves. At times it can be challenging, especially when we find ourselves in situations that are hard to explain. Imagine how hard it would be for vanilla people to wrap their minds around a unicorn!
Not long ago, while taking notes in a board room for an important client, I received an email with a subject line that said it was an important message from Joe (a close friend’s name). I was busy and did not look at the return email address. As soon as we took a break for a few minutes I scrolled down and clicked on it. To my surprise there was a close up picture of a black man’s dick. Before I could click delete, a male coworker was standing behind my chair asking if that was my new boyfriend.
When I am not blogging about my lifestyle experiences I have a job that is quite vanilla; complete with meetings in board rooms and client lunches. For obvious reasons, I do not discuss my private life where I work. When colleagues ask what I did over the weekend, I usually tell them, “The usual; a movie, some dinner” etc. The company I work for would be horrified if they really knew how I spend my weekends.
I am a unicorn, a single girl in the swinger lifestyle, for those who do not know the term.
When I started swinging, I was not alone. My boyfriend and I spent at least two night each week in our local swing club. I was very much in love with my boyfriend and was heart broken when he ended it with little explanation.
I am not soured by this nor do I hate men. Right now, I am wary of putting my heart out there again in fear that I will find myself in the same situation.
When I was finally ready to go back out after the breakup, I returned to a place where I felt very comfortable in the past. My former boyfriend and I were swing club rats and spent at least two nights a week in our local establishment. We had a nice circle of lifestyle friends, many of whom had reached out to me after the break up.
My first night out alone was a little bit scary. Naturally, I was unsure how I would be received by some of the women. Although I knew I was not looking to intrude on anyone’s relationship, would other people know that? I had never really known any unicorns but had heard some women speaking poorly of them in the past. The last thing I wanted was for people to think I had some ulterior motives for spending time in a swing club.
For the most part, the women were happy to see me and welcomed me with open arms. One or two seemed a bit uncomfortable with all the attention the men lavished upon me (which I in no way sought out but as most unicorns will admit, it is hard to avoid).
The first few times I went to the club I felt a little awkward. I needed people to make me feel like I belonged there. It didn’t take long for couples (some I knew, some I did not) to ask me to join them in the back room. After a period of time I started receiving invitations to parties. Then men started asking me to accompany them to the club when their wives were out of town. Although I do know other unicorns who have no problem with this, I have always declined the offers. Whereas I knew why I was there, I wasn’t sure others understood why I chose to make a swing club my night life of choice. It was hurtful when I overheard women asking each other what exactly I was looking for.
I will tell you “what I was, and still am, looking for.” I love to dance, I love to dress sexy and I love to have fun. I like to meet new people and I love to have sex; both with men and with women. I like the comfort and the warmth of the lifestyle. It’s a great place to go to as you do not need a date, or to make plans with others. You just show up and hang with the people who are there. You can spend an amazing night, have great sex and kiss the other people goodnight. I can go home and sleep alone in my bed. Nobody to answer to. I can stay until 12 midnight or go home at 4am. I can do what I want with no strings attached.
If I am looking for some one on one time, there are always single guys who are more than willing to spend the evening with a unicorn. The best part is, I do not have to be alone with them. We can choose a private room to play but I am not in a scary situation with a stranger. If I want to be with a couple, no problem. If I want a gang bang, that’s my choice. The best part for me is that I leave alone.
I am not looking for a boyfriend, husband or anything else; just a good time. That’s it, that’s all. Obviously I cannot speak for every unicorn as we are all individuals. Over time I have gotten to know a few who spend time in this swing club. We are definitely not all on the same page. Personally, I will not go into the back room with someone else’s husband if she is not in the club to approve. Most of the other girls have no problem with that.
I will not date a married man with or without the wife’s permission. I will only play with someone’s husband if she is present, but even then, I prefer to make it a threesome. Most unicorns I have met don’t really have any rules. They are out for themselves and offer no apologies for what they do. They prefer to be alone for a variety of reasons and although they love the attention they get in the clubs, for the most part, they are not looking for anything more than a good time.
I have tried to imagine how I would feel if there was a unicorn around when my boyfriend and I were together at the club. We did not really know of any at that time so it is hard to say. If unicorns are respectful of other’s relationships then there should never be a problem. I would suggest making sure that if you choose this route you pay a lot of attention to the women. If you are flirting with their husband and ignoring them, this will be a problem for sure. Since you have no one to offer to them, you must flirt with them as a couple. Always try to put yourself in the woman’s shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if the situation were reversed.
Unicorns are a great addition to the lifestyle if they understand the rules of the game. Some think they are the stars of the club because they get a lot of attention. Perhaps it would be better to just think of yourself as another component to the lifestyle. Although we bring an added element to the lifestyle, the lifestyle could easily exist without us.
Nobody ever asks what single men are looking for in the club. Why the double standard? It seems a question I hear often regarding unicorns. Perhaps it would surprise people to hear that I am looking for sex just like they are. It just so happens tothat I prefer the no strings attached variety. I don’t want you to call me in the morning. Really, I don’t. More often that not, I also don’t want to play with you again. It was fun once but I am not looking to repeat the experience regardless of how awesome it might have been. I am not looking for you to cuddle with me or tell me how beautiful I am. Please do not tell me about your problems and I will not bother you with mine. The truth is, I don’t really care, I just want to enjoy my night out.
I do like to try new things and am very open minded. Sometimes that seems to make some women feel a little threatened. I am not a slut or a whore because I am a sexual person. When I was in a relationship I did not feel as free to explore things as I do now. Perhaps that is why it is hard for you to relate, but that doesn’t really give you the right to judge.
People have asked me many times why I am not out looking for someone of my own. It is a valid question but again, I am enjoying being by myself. When I am ready to be in a relationship, I can assure you I will not be fishing for someone in a swing club. Perhaps one day I will meet a nice single guy at a lifestyle event but who knows. For now, I am very happy to be a unicorn and have no plans to change that any time soon.
You and your spouse have been in the lifestyle for quite some time when all of the sudden, she wants out. Now what?
It is perhaps something that happens more frequently than we know. How often do you take a step back and realize you haven’t seen so and so in a while? Remember that couple? Whatever happened to them? The lifestyle, although it encompasses a lot of people, is actually a small community. If you reflect back, you will realize you have seen many couples come and go; couples you thought were in the lifestyle forever, have actually slowly drifted away.
So how does this work? One morning the wife or husband wakes up and tells their spouse that she has had enough, she does not wish to remain in the lifestyle. For many of us, over time, the lifestyle takes over our social lives. We start to build friendships here because this is where we spend our nights and weekends. Our vanilla friends would never understand so we put some distance between us and them so they will stop pressuring us to make time for them on Friday and Saturday nights. Our sex lives have become full and exciting with new possibilities every night we are out with our lifestyle friends. The conversations are sexier, there’s touching and flirting and the ability to be completely open and free. Now she wants to give that up and go back to the way it was before. She assures you the sex will still be great, but somehow you know that your wild and crazy nights of sex are about to become a thing of the past. The 4-5 nights a week will start to dwindle down to a few times a month. You even suspect your lifestyle friends will only make time to see you during the week so they can be with their lifestyle friends on the weekends.
I have known some couples who have left the lifestyle and stayed out for a year or two. Eventually they got bored and returned. I do know others who got divorced, but I do not personally know couples who were really vested in the lifestyle who left, stayed married and just turned to other interests. I would like to think that there are couples who have done this. It would seem to me that it would take a lot of patience on the husband’s behalf (or the wife’s) but with time and understanding I’m sure it can be done!
I think one of the most important things to do in this situation is to figure out why one person wants out. If everything was going so well it is hard to imagine that someone would just wake up one morning and change their mind. Is there some kind of jealousy or insecurity involved? Perhaps you have not really been paying attention because you are too busy fulfilling your own needs or desires and did not notice she was unhappy. Is she doing things to please you? Sometimes we get so caught up in our own fantasies that we forget that this desire belongs to us and not to our significant other.
Do you push her to do things that perhaps she doesn’t really enjoy? It is not uncommon to hear men say how much their wife or girlfriend loves gang bangs or double penetration when the truth is, they are doing it only to please their husband or boyfriend. This is a slippery slope and inevidably will end poorly. Take time to assess that the lifestyle is fair for the both of you. Make sure you take the time to consider if your partner is loving everything as much as you are.
Perhaps this is about age or weight or some other insecurity that has become a problem. When your partner doesn’t feel good about themselves, the lifestyle can be difficult.
Maybe she is a ‘go with the flow’ type of girl but inside, when it’s enough, it’s enough. You have to know your spouse and you have to always pay attention to what is going on with her when you are out. Chances are, this has been building up for some time and she has finally reached the end. For couples who spend all of their weekends in lifestyle venues it is probably a good idea from time to time to ask your spouse if they would like to do something else that night or weekend. If she insists that she is happy to go to a swing club or party maybe you should make it a point to make some of these evenings just about her. Sure, there are a lot of willing and sexy girls around, but making her feel like the most special one is very important. Without this, you just might find yourself in this situation.
Do all of your vacations revolve around the lifestyle? How about just a vacation for the two of you to reconnect? It goes a long way to make your partner know that they come first. Spending some quality time away from the lifestyle is an important way to show your partner how you feel.
It’s always a good idea to have a conversation, from time to time, reminding them that the lifestyle is just a part of your relationship. That your relationship is much more important than swinging. Sometimes just hearing from your partner that they would be totally fine leaving the lifestyle, makes you feel secure.
So what if you have tried everything but she still wants out of the lifestyle? Where does that leave you? What if you absolutely cannot imagine being out? Do you cheat? Try to hang on to lifestyle friends in the hopes they can help sway her to come back? It’s probably best to try to fix the problem and maybe in the future she will go back. Then again, maybe she won’t. It would be sad to think that a marriage cannot survive the departure from the lifestyle, after all, it is only for fun, right?
As a swinger, when I spend time with my vanilla girlfriends, I am always paying close attention to what they say and how they behave when somebody brings up the subject of sex.
My friends do not know that I am in the lifestyle so bringing up the subject of swinging is a very delicate matter. It is very rare that it comes up, but at our latest get together, I couldn’t resist.
The topic of conversation was infidelity. One of our mutual friends is in the process of divorce because she recently discovered that her husband was cheating on her. Almost all of the other women agreed that this would be grounds for divorce in their own marriages. They would not care if it was a one time thing or a long standing affair, it is something they all agree is unforgivable.
I listened to them rant for quite awhile about men being dogs and not being able to keep it in their pants, etc. I asked them if they really think it is only a male problem. While they all agreed that it is not, they all vehemently denied that they had ever cheated or even contemplated sleeping with a man other than their husband. These are women who are all over 40 years old!
I looked around at each one of them and told them that it was impossible for me to believe that they had never been attracted to another man since the day they had gotten married. “You mean to tell me that you have never fantasized about another man?” (I wanted to say or woman, but was too afraid to open that can of worms.)
Most of them admitted that they had fantasized about men over the years but not to the point that they would act on it. I asked them if they ever did act on it, did they think it would change the way they feel about their husbands or would it simply be a physical release.
I asked them if they thought it was possible that a man could have sex with another woman, yet be completely in love with his wife? Better yet, could a woman have sex with another man and still love her husband? Are sex and love mutually exclusive?
The fascinating thing is that when the question was asking women if they could have that fantasy sex and come home to their husbands, I could see the wheels turning while they considered that. Wouldn’t it simply be a physical act? The men you fantasize about, are you hoping to share your life with him or have a quickie?
As the group fell silent in contemplation, I pushed on. What about swingers? I asked. From what I have read (I explained), they seem to be able to find the balance between their love for each other and having sex with others. Does this type of a lifestyle possibly eliminate a need to cheat? I turned to the woman who is now in the process of divorce. Do you think perhaps if the two of you were in the lifestyle this would not be happening?
None of the women were open to the thought of swinging, as far as I could tell, but at least they were considering what I was saying. Does it make sense to break up marriages and families over a sexual encounter?
The women explained that it was less about the sex and more about the betrayal of trust. So my next question was, “If your husband had told you he wanted to have sex with someone else, would you be open to it?” They all shook their heads no. Then I am confused. The anger stems from the trust issue, yet if their husbands were honest, it wouldn’t change anything. Seems to me like a no win situation. Perhaps the thought process for someone who is looking for something different resorts to cheating because they might get away with it. If they cannot discuss this with their partner, they feel out of options.
This, sadly, seems to be a cornerstone of contemporary marriages. Fidelity sounds like a wonderful and romantic concept, but in the 21st century, it seems almost ridiculously outdated. That is not to say that there aren’t many couples out there who manage to remain married and faithful, but are they happy? Are they faithful by choice or out of fear of the repercussions?
I asked the women if they could honestly say that they believe their husbands have never thought about cheating (as they seemed to believe that they had not already done so). Most of the women said that their husbands had probably been attracted to another woman at some point and might have considered cheating. I asked what kept them from acting on it. They all said the same thing: my husband knows if I catch him cheating I will leave him. So women feel comfortable suppressing their husbands sexual desires by threatening them with consequences. Is this healthy? More importantly, is this really love?
I think most swingers would agree that by allowing their spouses to be able to have sex with other women, on some level, we are expressing love. We are happy to see our husband happy. We understand that it is not realistic to be able to be the only person our significant other is ever attracted to or wants to have sex with. The same goes for women. If our husband allows us the opportunity to be with other men, why would we cheat? True love is so much deeper than sex and it is a shame that the concept seems to be lost on so many people.
There is no doubt that during this lunch date my friends were all eyeing me suspiciously. I clearly was not on the same page as they were with regard to sex and marriage. I do think, however, I was able to give my soon to be divorced friend something to think about. While I totally understand the importance of trust in a marriage, I also understand the importance of communication. If her husband had tried to express his desire to have sex with another woman, they would probably be in the same position they are now. She is angry and hurt because she cannot understand why she isn’t “enough” for him.
This is where swingers have a healthier perspective. As we’ve all heard the common saying: Show me a beautiful woman and I will show you a man who is tired of having sex with her…
We can substitute man for woman and vice versa, but the meaning is the same. Humans are essentially not monogamist, and until we accept this, this conversation will go on indefinitely.
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