A unicorn explains why she is in the lifestyle and what she is looking for.

Unicorn wearing Partners ID jewelry
Unicorn wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This blog was written for Partners ID by Kennedy M., a single woman in the lifestyle.

Most swingers prefer to keep the fact that they are in the lifestyle to themselves.  At times it can be challenging, especially when we find ourselves in situations that are hard to explain.  Imagine how hard it would be for vanilla people to wrap their minds around a unicorn!

Not long ago, while taking notes in a board room for an important client, I received an email with a subject line that said it was an important message from Joe (a close friend’s name).  I was busy and did not look at the return email address.  As soon as we took a break for a few minutes I scrolled down and clicked on it.  To my surprise there was a close up picture of a black man’s dick.  Before I could click delete, a male coworker was standing behind my chair asking if that was my new boyfriend.

When I am not blogging about my lifestyle experiences I have a job that is quite vanilla; complete with meetings in board rooms and client lunches.  For obvious reasons, I do not discuss my private life where I work.  When colleagues ask what I did over the weekend, I usually tell them, “The usual; a movie, some dinner” etc.  I am single and the company I work for would be horrified if they really knew how I spend my weekends.

I am a unicorn, a single girl in the swinger lifestyle, for those who do not know the term.

I did not discover swinging alone, but found myself single after a lengthy relationship in which we were a swinging couple.  I was very much in love with my boyfriend and was heart broken when he ended it with little explanation.

I am not soured by this nor do I hate men.  I am, however, wary of putting my heart out there again in fear that I will find myself in the same situation.

When I was finally ready to go back out after the breakup, I returned to a place where I felt very comfortable in the past.  My former boyfriend and I were swing club rats and spent at least two nights a week in our local establishment.  We had a nice circle of lifestyle friends, many of whom had reached out to me after the break up.

My first night out alone was a little bit scary.  I was unsure how I would be received by some of the women.  I knew I was not looking to intrude on anyone’s relationship but would they know that?  I had never really known any unicorn but had heard some women speaking poorly about them in the past.  I did not want that to be me.

For the most part, the women were happy to see me and welcomed me with open arms.  One or two seemed a bit uncomfortable with all the attention the men lavished upon me (which I in no way sought out but as most unicorns will admit, it is hard to avoid).

The first few times I went to the club I felt a little awkward.  I needed people to make me feel like I belonged there.  It didn’t take long for couples (some I knew, some I did not) to ask me to join them in the back room.  After a period of time I started receiving invitations to parties.  I also started having men ask me to accompany them to the club when their wives were out of town.   I have always declined to do this but I do know other unicorns who have no problem with this.   Although I knew why I was there, I wasn’t sure others understood why I chose to make a swing club my night life of choice.  I overheard women asking each other what exactly I was looking for.

I will tell you “what I was, and still am, looking for.”  I love to dance, I love to dress sexy and I love to have fun.  I like to meet new people and I love to have sex; both with men and with women.  I like the comfort and the warmth of the lifestyle.  It’s a great place to go to as you do not need a date, or to make plans with others.  You just show up and hang with the people who are there.  You can spend an amazing night, have great sex and kiss the other people goodnight.  I can go home and sleep alone in my bed.  Nobody to answer to.  I can stay until 12 midnight or go home at 4am.  I can do what I want with no strings attached.  If I am looking for some one on one time, there are always single guys who are more than willing to spend the evening with a unicorn.  The best part is, I do not have to be alone with them.  We can choose a private room to play but I am not in a scary situation with a stranger.  If I want to be with a couple, no problem.  If I want a gang bang, that’s my choice.  The best part for me is that I leave alone.  I am not looking for a boyfriend or a husband or anything else.  I am looking for a good time.  That’s it, that’s all.  I can not speak for every unicorn as we are all individuals.  I have gotten to know a few who spend time in this swing club and we are not all on the same page.  I will not go into the back room with someone else’s husband if she is not in the club to approve.  Most of the other girls have no problem with that.  I also will not date a married man with or without the wife’s permission.  I will only play with someone’s husband if she is present, but even then, I prefer to make it a threesome.  Most unicorns I have met don’t really have any rules.  They are out for themselves and offer no apologies for what they do.  They prefer to be alone for a variety of reasons and although they love the attention they get in the clubs, for the most part, they are not looking for anything more than a good time.

I have tried to imagine how I would feel if there was a unicorn around when my boyfriend and I were together at the club.  We did not really know of any at that time so it is hard to say.  If unicorns are respectful of other’s relationships then there should never be a problem.  I would suggest making sure that if you choose this route you pay a lot of attention to the women.  If you are flirting with their husband and ignoring them, this will be a problem for sure.  Since you have no one to offer to them, you must flirt with them as a couple.  Always try to put yourself in the woman’s shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if the situation were reversed.

Unicorns are a great addition to the lifestyle if they understand the rules of the game.  Some think they are the stars of the club because they get a lot of attention.  Perhaps it would be better to just think of yourself as another component to the lifestyle.  Although we bring an added element to the lifestyle, the lifestyle could easily exist without us.

Nobody ever asks what single men are looking for in the club.  Why the double standard?  It seems a question I hear often regarding unicorns.   I am looking for sex just like they are.  I just happen to prefer the no strings attached variety.  I don’t want you to call me in the morning.  Really, I don’t.  More often that not, I also don’t want to play with you again.  It was fun once but I am not looking to repeat the experience regardless of how awesome it might have been.  I am not looking for you to cuddle with me or tell me how beautiful I am.  Please do not tell me about your problems and I will not bother you with mine.  The truth is, I don’t really care, I just want to enjoy my night out.

I do like to try new things and am very open minded.  Sometimes that seems to make some women feel  a little threatened.  I am not a slut or a whore because I am a sexual person.  When I was in a relationship I did not feel as free to explore things as I do now.  Perhaps that is why it is hard for you to relate, but that doesn’t really give you the right to judge.

People have asked me many times why I am not out looking for someone of my own.  It is a valid question but again, I am enjoying being by myself.  When I am ready to be in a relationship, I can assure you I will not be fishing for someone in a swing club.  Perhaps one day I will meet a nice single guy at a lifestyle event but who knows.  For now, I am very happy to be a unicorn and have no plans to change that any time soon.

 

Body language is a clear indicator of a person’s interest and happiness. How to tune in…

 

Woman with negative body language staring at her husband wearing Partners ID jewelry
Woman with negative body language staring at her husband wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

Women pride themselves on having the ability to communicate without having to say a word.  They feel confident that they can both read body language and convey their feelings through it.  The problem is that men are not always able to read these signals.  Sometimes the situation can be reversed.  It is important to pay attention to what your partner is trying to tell you when it is not possible to say something out loud.  Some couples have code words while others have invented special signals to let their significant other know when they are ok or not with a situation.  What happens when you are in a situation and one person is definitely not happy but the partner seems not to notice?

In a swing club last night there were two couples sitting next to each other by the dance floor.  The women were perched on stools and the men were standing behind them.  The men were engaged in conversation, laughing and having a good time but the women were clearly not clicking.  One woman was attempting to make conversation with the other but she was totally ignoring her, never moving her eyes from the dance floor.  You could see by their body language that they were not getting along.  The men seemed oblivious to the fact that they were clearly wasting their time.  At one point, one of the men left for the restroom and the other man immediately turned his attention to the other man’s wife, who was sitting in front of him.  His partner seemed eager to get his attention but he was focusing on the other woman.  Big mistake!  When she realized he was completely blind to her feelings (which were obvious to me from across the room), she jumped off the stool and walked away without a word.  The man was left standing there unsure of whether to remain talking to this other woman or to follow his girlfriend.  Eventually the first man returned and he left to find his partner.  I lost track of them but suspect the night did not end well for this couple.

How could this have played out differently?  Perhaps if he had been paying attention to her body language he would have observed (as I did) that the women were not compatible.  Without this dynamic, nothing can happen between the couples.  Communication is always a priority if couples are going to be successful in the lifestyle but in this case, it was more about simply paying attention to his significant other.

Let’s face it, it is not logical to imagine that people are always going to like each other and click simply because their spouse wants it that way.  Women, especially, can be a little more complicated when it comes to jelling with one another and this is something men must consider if their night is going to run smoothly!  Imagine had the men tried to coerce those two women into a rendezvous in the backroom together!  That would have been a nightmare before, during and after.

There are times when a couple might enter a lifestyle event but one of the couple isn’t really “feeling it.”  They try to go along and have a good time but ultimately they are looking forward to simply playing with their own partner that night.  Honestly, if your partner really knows you well, they will see it.  The majority of the time, our body langauge speaks volumes without you having to explain it.  If your partner is not tuned into you it can be a mess.

Swingers, perhaps more than any other type of couple, must be tuned in to their partners at all times if they want to have success when in a lifestyle environment.  Couples are there to meet others, and for many couples it is with the intent to find another couple to swing with for that night.  When you are engaged in a conversation with another couple, make sure you pay attention to the signals your partner might be trying to send you as it isn’t always possible to talk freely at this point.  If he/she is actively engaged in conversation and smiling easily, chances are they are interested.  If they are looking away or turning their body away from the group, chances are this means no, not a good fit.  If your partner is grabbing onto your arm or pulling you towards them, you might want to consider that they are not interested.

The same goes for couples approaching you on a dance floor.  Sometimes the man will turn his wife around to dance facing you.  Are they expressing interest?  Probably, but the choice is yours if you are open to getting closer to them.  If they do not interest you, you can simply dance away from them.  It is probably never a good idea to push your partner toward someone else without knowing that they have some interest.

What about when you are in the play area?  A couple is next to you and starts to touch you while you are with your partner.  How can you know if your partner would like to play with the other?  These are times that verbal cues that the two of you have discussed ahead of time come in very handy!  If you have not thought of this (perhaps you should), again, look at your partner.  Do they appear interested in switching?  If they continue to play with you and make no move to join the other couple, perhaps you should take that as a sign that they are not interested.  The last thing you want is to put your partner in a situation that they do not want to be in.  Body language in a situation like this is usally a very good indicator of interest or not.  If your significant other pulls you close or they close off their body with their arms, it should let you know that they are not interested!  If they turn towards this couple with outstretched arms, that is a good sign!

Swinging should be enjoyable and easy for both the man and woman of the couple.  If your partner is not paying attention to you and what you are trying to convey to them, things probably will not end well for that night.  One of the problems in the lifestyle is that when you are constantly surrounded by and approached by other couples, communicating freely can be a challenge.  Women must remember that if they want their husband or boyfriend to know exactly how they are feeling, they must make it a point to convey this to them.  If you already know that your man is not very good reading nonverbal cues, don’t expect him to know what you are trying to say if you don’t speak up.

The best course of action for any couple is to try to consider each situation and decide if it looks like your signifiacnt other is interested in the same thing as you.  You might be attracted to the male part of a couple but either  ask your man or observe him to see if he looks happy.  Same thing for your wife.  If she is clearly unhappy with a situation, walk away.  If you are a couple, you should expect to put each other first.  It is probably a good rule of thumb to always stop and think about how you would feel if the situation were reversed.  What is good for one should be good for the other.

Swingers: Why is it a secret that you are in the lifestyle?

Why do swingers feel the need to keep their lifestyle a secret?  I frequently hear people say that nobody knows that they are in the lifestyle.  They would die if someone found out.   Why is that?  At first I wondered if these people were very religious, but they are not.  I wondered if their children were at an age that it would create confusion and uncertainty, but they are not.  Do they think they are doing something criminal or unethical?  They do not.  Hmm.  Would exposure embarrass them?   This question got a nod.   Embarrassed, why?

Admitting that you are a swinger should be a lot less traumatic than admitting you are having an affair, no?  After all, one is cheating and lying to someone you say you are in love with, the other is not.  Swingers are out having a great time, enjoying parties and events that others can only dream of.  Cheaters are sneaking around, worrying that at any moment they will be caught, which would certainly disrupt their lives and the lives of those around them.

I wonder how many swingers are truly living this lifestyle unbeknownst to their friends and family.  Probably not nearly as many as believe they are.  Often times I watch swingers arrive at a club clad in an over sized trench coat in the middle of the summer.  When I ask these women if their family or neighbors don’t find this strange they say they don’t think so.  Really?  It’s 90 degrees outside and you leave your house or condo wearing a trench coat cinched at the waste with stiletto heels and nobody thinks that’s odd?

Many swingers have said that when they finally decided to reveal the truth about their lifestyle, their friends and family members were not surprised.  Many said they had known about it for years but understood the swinger couple wanted to keep it to themselves.  (If these were the trench coat women, it’s no wonder people knew.)

What about the family and friends who were told, who did not know anything or suspect anything about the lifestyle?  Were they shocked and appalled?  Not according to the people I have spoken with.  Most said that more than anything, they were curious about swinging.  They asked a lot of questions but did not seem to have a negative reaction.  Many couples said that both friends and many family members (mostly siblings), eventually asked if they could tag along one night to see what it was all about.

Swingers would be surprised (or maybe not) to learn how connected the lifestyle is; even for people in some type of lifestyle related business.  The industry is comprised of the most friendly, warm and helpful group of people.  All of us have one goal, and that is to unite the lifestyle community. Most people I work with all say the same thing:  I am more interested in connecting people in the lifestyle than in making money.  Sure, it is a business, but it is also very personal.  Who wouldn’t want to be associated with such a genuine group of people?  Most of them have said that their families and friends know they are swingers and take it in stride.  They felt no judgement when they told others about it and feel completely comfortable that people know.

Like any other group, in order to gain acceptance, we must learn to stand up for what we believe in.  Swingers should not be ashamed of their lifestyle.  Obviously it is not necessary to divulge what you do when you are at a swing club, or party or other event, any more than you would give blow by blow (pun intended) details to others about what you and your significant other do in your bedroom.  No need to reveal that you participated in a gang bang with 15+ men last Saturday or tried double penetration for the first time and loved it.  Many swingers don’t swap, and many people in the lifestyle are not swingers.  Enjoying the warm atmosphere that accompanies the lifestyle is a wonderful thing and people should not have to hide from it.

There are many well known actors and singers who are open about their lifestyle choices and for some reason, people find this ‘normal’ and acceptable.  Why?  Why are they held to a different standard than the rest of us.  Because they are famous?   Even with their disclosure they are still sought after and some of them are highly influential people.

Revealing to others that you are open minded should not be a negative thing.  After all, if you think about it, being a part of the lifestyle really doesn’t mean more than that.   If your children or parents told you the same thing, would it concern you?  Sure, at first it might come as a surprise but would you be upset or concerned?  Probably not.

When we initially came up with the concept for the jewelry, we had just this vision in mind.  Wear the jewelry with pride.  First of all, others do not know what it means.  Secondly, even if they did, what does it really say about you?  That you are open minded, nothing more.

Let’s continue the movement to unite the lifestyle.  There is a lot to be learned from people who choose to be apart of it.  Honesty, respect and fun are the three hallmarks of the lifestyle.  What could be better than that?

Love does play a role in swinging but not in the way people might imagine.

Couple in love wearing Partners ID jewelry
Couple in love wearing Partners ID jewelry

When we think about swinging, we do not think about love. The purpose of swinging is to have fun. To find another couple or a single man or woman to fulfill a fantasy. Sex is a physical act and does not require love to participate. Swinging equates to sex without love whereas a marriage incorporates love and sex.

To people who are not in the lifestyle, it is a very difficult concept for them to grasp. They frequently ask if couples in the lifestyle if they are afraid that their partner could fall in love with someone else. Sure, anything is possible, but you do not have to be a swinger to be at risk of falling in love with someone else.

Swinging has nothing to do with love. Swingers do not seek out the lifestyle to find a partner to share their life with. Single swingers might be looking for someone who shares their lifestyle views but couples are not there for this reason.

Vanilla couples cannot understand how swingers do not get jealous when they see their partner with someone else but it always reminds me of something from the Bible. The following is a part of the passage, not the entire thing: (I am not religious, or Catholic, but this always comes to mind):

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy, it does not put on airs, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. So Faith, Hope and Love abide these three; But the Greatest of these is Love.”

In my opinion, the only role love plays in swinging, is between the couple that decides together that they would like to explore the  lifestyle.  You love your partner enough to give them the freedom to partake in things they otherwise could not, and you find joy in seeing them enjoy those things.  You have faith in your partner; you allow them to play because you are sure they will come back to you.   You are able to express love for each other by forging your own path.  You do not allow others to dictate to you what is normal.  Although society equates love with monogamy, you choose to define love your own way and you know the love between you and your partner is mutually exclusive.  You hope that your love is forever and that these experiences will only enrich your lives.

There is no love between couples that play but there can be infatuation or lust.  How can you love someone that you don’t really know?  The person who shows up at parties or swing clubs or on vacations or cruises allows you to see only a small part of who they are.  The real person is the one who has to get up for work in the mornings; the person who has to clean up after their children or their dog.  The true person is not always dancing and having fun but paying bills and dealing with stress.  Until you know that person, how can you really know that you love them?

The part of swinging that makes it so enjoyable is that we get to dress up, have a few drinks, dance or socialize then move onto the swinging aspect.  Spending an evening with swingers is like going out on New Year’s Eve.  It’s always a big party, but is that real life?  It is an awful lot of fun and the environment lends itself to getting hot for other people, but that is the whole point.  We go into swing clubs looking for others to spend a few hours with but not our lives.

If people in the lifestyle were not able to separate sex and love, swinging could not exist.  It is the rare couple who can find that delicate balance and make it work.  If couples were constantly falling in love with each other, swing clubs would be empty.  Who would want to risk their relationship for an evening of fun?
The most important thing is to keep perspective.  Having sex with someone else is just for a moment of pleasure, whereas being in a committed relationship is hopefully for a lifetime.

Swingers and discretion

Having recently entered the world of Twitter and instagram, one would believe from all that exists on these social media sites, that swingers are out in full force and unafraid to expose themselves to the immediate world. I don’t believe that this is true. Even the short lived tv series “Neighbors with Benefits” would lead one to believe that we have no problem with exposing ourselves to anyone who wants to know. I believe I speak for the vast majority of swingers when I say it is absolutely the opposite. I do not want my family, friends, neighbors or anyone else outside of the lifestyle to know our “secret”. I, for one, can not imagine what could be gained by announcing it publicly. I am not ashamed, just like to keep my personal life, personal.
When I see pictures of people on social media sites such as twitter, facebook and instagram I can not help but wonder why anyone might imagine there is any privacy. When someone posts pictures on SDC or SLS (for example) at least these are private sites which require a membership to join. I am not sure that anyone would be so determined to see who is swinging that they would join for that reason. I also do not think it is that easy to find someone specific on these sites unless they give you their user name.
When we first investigated “swinger jewerly” we were able to find various sites leading us to a mirage of different things that people wore to identify themselves as swingers. I had to laugh when I discovered that an ankle bracelet worn on the right ankle meant you were a swinger. I have not decided if I should tell my mother this. She thinks it looks fashionable and so she wears it. I think it’s out of style but haven’t said a word. The problem with making declarations such as this is that not everyone knows that swingers have
“made this claim”; therefore it is not possible to identify swingers when we use everyday symbols or widely available jewelry.
Hence, the necklace and bracelet with the logo. It is not available in stores or on sites such as amazon. In order to make sure it stays quiet, one has no cause to come across the jewelry without visiting our site or a swing club. Let’s keep our secret to ourselves. No one can judge you if you don’t tell them what you do in private. The nice thing is, if we can get swingers to wear the jewelry, we open up a whole world of fun just by spotting someone wearing it! No more wondering!!!

Swinging when you have children; how to stay one step ahead of them.

A title like “Swinging with Children” might attract the wrong kind of attention.                                                         

The original title for this article was actually “Swinging with Children” but when I went back to edit it, I was afraid the Feds would come knocking at my door. For that reason the title had to be changed to “Swinging when you have children.”

Couples who enjoy swinging and have children, quickly discover the challenges involved in juggling their ‘secret life’ with their regular life. There are a number of interesting things to consider when you have children, and this does not just apply to small children.

Word to the wise:  children are much smarter than we give them credit for; even when they are very young.  Never underestimate them!

When you start swinging and your children are young, the biggest obstacle is generally child care. It quickly becomes apparent that if you are planning to stay out until 2 or 3 in the morning, babysitters can be difficult to find.  Babysitters are also usually also old enough to wonder where you are going.   If you are smart enough to leave the house conservatively dressed, they still wonder where you go that is open so late.  We always preferred to leave the children with our parents for the night.  This allowed us to come and go as we pleased.  Unfortunately,  Grandma and Grandpa were only going to have sleep overs so often!

Excuse me but I think you are missing a shoe…

Another problem is that after having wild sex and getting dressed to return home, you probably do not look as put together as you did when you left the house. There are times your hair will be wet from sweating, your shirt will be buttoned wrong, your fly might not be zipped back up or you are wearing something inside out. That is, if you can even  return home in what you wore while you were out. Many of us must change our clothing either in the garage or in the car, because we would never be caught dead in our club clothes!

For those of us who have tried to sneak past the babysitter to change out of our club clothes quickly, you can rest assured that one of your children is probably in your bed and will wake up as soon as you cross the threshold.  I can remember sneaking into my bedroom one night thinking my daughter was asleep in her bed.  It wasn’t until a few days later that I discovered not only wasn’t she asleep, but she was busy recording me as I ran into my room to change.  Apparently she wanted to show my mother how funny my hair looks when I come home late at night.

With young children, another problem is that they do not really care how late you were out the night before. They get up before the sun, and you are going to have to pay for that in the morning! Other than that, young children might be easier than older ones when you swing.

Woman who was out swinging, hiding in the bushes wearing Partners ID bracelet
Woman hiding in the bushes wearing Partners ID bracelet

 

 

 

 

Don’t kids ever go to sleep?
When your children are a little bit older but still live at home, the problems can be even more challenging. First off, where to hide your swinger clothes? Unless you have a spare closet with a lock on it (and even then), your children will find it. I can remember my kids telling my mother how many pairs of “hooker shoes” I own. These shoes were in a locked closet that has a key that I thought was well hidden; apparently I was wrong.

Sneaking out of the house with a change of clothing can also become tricky. If you think they won’t notice that you are wearing something under your sweater, trust me, they will. If you try to carry them out in a large handbag, they will ask questions.  After many attempts to fool them, I discovered the only way is to plan ahead. When the kids are not home, plan your outfit for the evening ahead of time and put it in the trunk of your car or hide it in the garage.

Returning home with older kids can also pose a bigger challenge. They never go to sleep! No matter how late you come home, somehow they are always awake and you cannot avoid them. This means you must change back into the clothing you left the house in.  You also have to make sure you don’t look like a hot mess!  Be prepared to answer the question they will inevitably ask: where were you until this hour and who were you with?

When you are out swinging often, it starts to become a challenge! They also are aware that nothing is open this late.  We used to try to get our stories straight on the ride home from an evening of swinging.  It became pretty routine to tell them that we sat and drank coffee with friends long after a restaurant was closed or watched movies at a friend’s house.  We were aware that our children probably did not believe us but we couldn’t come up with anything else!

Somehow we all imagined that when our children were old enough to leave home we would be able to enjoy the lifestyle without a care in the world. We deserve to have some fun, right? Well, unfortunately grown children present their own set of challenges for us. First of all we have to consider that one day they could show up in a swing club or at a lifestyle event all on their own; and if not them, maybe their friends.

Grown children are quite computer savvy so it is critical to make sure there are no pictures of our faces associated with anything lifestyle related.  We cringe when any of them ask to borrow our computer, as probably most people in the lifestyle would understand what they might stumble upon.

Grown children also present us with grandchildren. Now they are looking to get out and naturally turn to us for help.  They would like us to babysit from time to time but we are rarely free on weekends.   They say they don’t mind going out later.   They ask us to just come by when we return home to watch the kids for a few hours…Yes, we will be back around 3am if that works for you.

You can reach us on our cell phone if you need us.

They ask for itineraries when we travel, but we cannot provide one because we are headed out on a lifestyle cruise or to a swinger resort.  We try to remember to take some vanilla pictures while on these excursions as inevitably, they will ask to see photos!

Eventually they will borrow your phone and ask why all your friends have no last names.  Your grown daughter will ask to borrow a dress or a pair of shoes and before you can react, she is walking into your closet.  They ask why they have never met  many of the friends that we talk about.

We have even had one of our children pop in unannounced on a Sunday morning, only to discover that friends of ours had stayed the night.  Thankfully they were still asleep.  We quickly said that we were afraid to let them leave because they had too much to drink.   I can’t help wondering how we would have explained having breakfast in our underwear, or the four of us naked in the hot tub, had he shown up a little later.
Yes, the lifestyle certainly presents challenges from day one when you have children. You must learn to be creative and most importantly to think ahead. Make sure you and your spouse discuss what story you will tell, as it’s very important to relay the same story! Unfortunately, at some point there will be questions and strange looks as your children are much smarter than you think. It’s all in fun and it keeps the lifestyle interesting!

Condoms: are they a must when swinging or are some playing bareback?

Questioning whether couples must wear condoms: Woman thumbs up, man thumbs down. Both wearing Partners ID jewelry.
Questioning whether couples must wear condoms: Woman thumbs up, man thumbs down. Both wearing Partners ID jewelry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Condoms are not a new invention.  They have been around for a long time and most people over the age of 13 are pretty aware of their existance.  What many people do not know, is that the only condoms which protect against STDs are made of latex or plastic.  Lambskin and other animal products do not protect you from STDs, only pregnancy.  Surprisingly, many people only associate condoms with being a form of birth control, yet they are equally as important in protecting men and women from contracting sexually transmitted diseases.   With such easy access to condoms you would expect that everyone who is not in a comitted relationship would use them when having sex.  Apparently this is not the case for many people, both young and old.

We all know that swingers are open to having sex with people outside of their core relationships.  They frequently swap with other couples or find single men or women to join them for threesomes (or more).  Often times, people who swing, have sex with complete strangers or people they don’t know very well.  There are some swingers who prefer to play only with people they are very friendly with or have known for a long time.

My question is:  do we know anyone well enough to honestly know whether or not they might have a STD or worse?  Even if they tell you they are clean, does this mean that they are?  How about if they get tested once a year and show you their test results?  Does this mean that one month later, they are still STD free?  Who could possibly know this?

So we all know that it is honestly not possible to know for sure that someone is disease free even after they have been tested if they have played only one time.  That’s all it takes, one time to become infected with something.  This would make one think that with this kind of risk, condoms would be the rule, right?   Apparently this is not the case.

Recently on Facebook, someone tossed out a question for others to respond to.  The question was “condoms or not?” This person is a facebook friend of mine and the facebooker in question is in the lifestyle.  I was planning to ignore the question and continue scrolling down my page when I noticed there were 54 comments.  Really?  54 people needed to have the same response?  I scrolled back up to glance at the first few and to my absolute shock, the answers were as diverse as a bipartisan discussion about gun control!   It seems to me that when we stopped being bombarded with news regarding AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases, people slowly went back to old habits thinking that these diseases were a problem of the past.

People were very passionate about their answers but clearly there was a huge divide.  Really?  In 2017 we are still questioning whether or not we must use protection when having sex with strangers?!  Oddly enough, some of their reasons for not using condoms made sense in the context in which they presented their arguments.  It stands to reason, they explained, that if you are comfortable enough doing everything but having intercourse with someone without protection, why draw the line there?  It’s not a crazy argument.  People will go down on girls and give guys a blow job without considering the need for protection.  They lick each other and kiss each other and touch each other with no problem.  I’ve seen guys cum in girls mouthes and girls cum in guys mouthes and honestly, you know what?  That’s not much safer, STDs can still be transmitted orally, it’s just not as risky.
Personally, I will not have sex with a friend or a stranger without a condom, but now I understand why, more often than not, I have to prompt the guy I am with to wear a condom.  It always surprises me that men would want to have sex without a condom.  Some of these men have never met me before so why would they just assume it’s safe?  Especially in the lifestyle, where people are frequently having sex with different people.  Why would you feel confident about them being free of diseases?
It could be part of the culture of people who are drawn to the lifestyle.  By nature, most swingers are risk takers.  Many ride motorcycles, some experiment with drugs, drive fast cars and are in occupations such as firefighters, EMTs, doctors, lawyers, stock brokers, etc.  Many are self proclaimed adrenalin junkies.  This makes it easier to understand why swingers might be more inclined to take risks.
Although there are swingers who are hoping to play “bareback”, not every swinger is willing to play without a condom.  Personally, in my own experience, more often than not, swingers are not willing to have intercourse without a condom.  The majority of swingers I have come across carry a bag with condoms when they enter the playroom and insist that everyone they play with use a condom and change them if they switch partners.
 I always imagined everyone in the lifestyle would be on the same page.  At least  my husband agrees with me, no condom, no sex.  For us, that will never change…

Why is it hard to get an erection when you are in an erotic situation?

Why is it hard to get an erection when you are in an erotic situation?

For most men, just the thought of a threesome, watching girl on girl or watching your wife have sex with another man will cause an instant erection.   Men fantasize about experiencing a swing club and believe that they will be rock hard when they enter the playroom for the first time.
Prior to entering the lifestyle, most men feel that they can count on their dicks to perform pretty much at will.  They get hard for their wives and their girlfriends and it doesn’t take much.  Pop in some porn and within moments they feel their erection.
Fast forward to a night in a swing club.  They enjoy the begininng of the evening with friends, maybe a beer or two, dance a little, flirt a little, then head into the back room.  Equipment failure in the back room of a swing club is extremely common.  It is not usually due to a man’s age as it can be more prevalent amongst younger guys than older.  It also is way more common with men who are new to the lifestyle.  They imagine their prowess in a situation like this, but often times it does play out as they expect.
How ironic is it that so many young guys have a hard time getting an erection when they are new to the back room?  I had always imagined that when I walked into the back room my first time, that every guy I saw, including my husband, would have a raging hard on.  Not so much…  You would think that with all there is to see (and touch and be touched), that guys would be unable to contain their erections.  Much to my surprise, after speaking with many men in the club, it can be quite the opposite.
This can be quite discouraging to newbies in the club.  They are young, they are virile, they have no problems like this at home. The never miss an erection when with their significant other or while watching porn or while fantasizing, but get them in a situation like this and wah, wah… equipment failure.  Why do you suppose this happens?  It is most likely due to inexperience and intimidation.  Some like to call it whiskey dick, but many men already know that drinking can create this problem and so they avoid alcohol.
 Having discussed this with men who have had this problem, they all say the same thing.  This problem goes away with time and experience in the lifestyle.  No question about it, many men will not take the chance that this could happen and they pop a Viagra or Cialis and even some opt for injections, but is this really necessary?  Probably not.  What is the root of the problem?  Are men afraid they can’t measure up to some of the other guys in the back?  As we see that the older men are not suffering as much as the younger ones,  this leads us back to experience.  I have been told that if the man pays attention to the girl he is with and stays focused, there is usually no issue.  The problem is when he is watching his wife or girlfriend and becomes distracted from the “task at hand”.    Men are busy watching other men play with their significant other and that can be challenging to their egos if the girl is having too much fun.   Perhaps the other man has bigger equipment than he does, or he is more active.  Who knows what the cause is; just know that it is perfectly normal and will get easier with time.
Most women have been in this type of a situation before if they are not new to the lifestyle.  Most women are compassionate and will do their best to find other ways to enjoy their time with this guy regardless.   If you do find yourself either in this situation or as a part of the situation just remember that we all know that this can happen and it is normal.  Sometimes just a little bit of attention from your wife or girlfriend can help things to get going again.  Even if it’s just not going to happen that night, beating yourself up about it won’t change anything for next time.  Putting yourself under pressure will only make things worse.
Just remember, nobody is judging…

Why you must be able to trust your partner in order to be successful in the lifestyle.

Woman with trust issues . All 3 wearing Parnters ID jewelry
Woman feels left out. All 3 wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

 

Trust is something that is vitally important for any relationship to be successful. Some people believe that trust is more important than love in order to sustain a healthy relationship with another person. According to dictionary.com, trust means the following:

1. Reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. Confident expectation of something; hope.
3. Confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit:

If you cannot rely upon or have confidence in the person you share your life with, there are sure to be problems between the two of you. Having trust in another person allows you to feel both confident and safe.

What are some of the ways in which people allow others to trust them?

For one, being dependable for you partner is critical. If your partner knows that regardless of the situation they can turn to you for help and you will be there for them, that helps to build a solid foundation. Supporting your partner is very important. If they need to talk to you about something, be available to them. Don’t diminish their feelings when they open up about something that concerns them. Even if something seems silly or unimportant to you, it might feel the exact opposite to them. Make sure your partner knows you care about them. Don’t just nod your head when they speak, listen to what they are saying and try to help them through the situation.

Trust is not built around control. If you try to control your partner, it makes them feel that you have no confidence in them. Allow them the freedom to do what is best for them and for you, without your interference. Show your partner respect by trusting them around other people. If something is bothering you, discuss it with your partner, not other people. Talking about your partner is never helpful in either resolving problems or in building trust between the two of you.

So how does trust come into play in the lifestyle? Most people believe that their fellow swingers have no trust issues with their partners. How can they? Swinging is built around the philosophy of an open marriage. Without trust, how could you possibly swing?

Trust is critically important in the lifestyle, perhaps even more so, than in the vanilla world. Swingers allow their partners to not only flirt with others, but to have sex with other people. The majority of their time spent in lifestyle venues is for the purpose of finding others to have sex with. If something is happening that makes one person uncomfortable, this could lead to disaster for the couple.

In order for swingers to be successful in the lifestyle, couples must be proficient in communicating with one another. Nothing can be held back when talking about the lifestyle. If one person is feeling insecure or uncomfortable about something, it must be spoken about immediately. Trust is the most important factor in determining the success or failure of a couple who decides to enter the lifestyle.

Often times one person is actually acting in a way that their partner finds offensive but to keep the peace, they let it slide. It is very important to make sure your partner comes first in the lifestyle regardless of how long the two of you have been swinging. From the moment you step foot into a swing club or party, you must remember you are a couple first and foremost. Make sure your partner is happy and comfortable at all times. Your partner must feel that you are there for them no matter what the circumstance. Does your partner need a refill for their drink, would they like to dance, do they like the people you are talking with? Are you paying attention to everyone except them? Is there a person you find attractive and are spending too much time watching them or trying to flirt with them? Although in your mind that is why you are at the club or the party, your partner might not appreciate the way in which you approach swinging.  A simple loving gesture from time to time goes a long way to letting your partner know you are thinking of them.  Hold their hand, a gentle kiss or even touching their hair will let them feel that you are thinking about them.

One of the best ways to ensure your partner will always be happy and comfortable is to consider how you would feel if the tables were turned. Always treat your partner as you would like to be treated. Jealousy is always a possibility in the lifestyle. Although couples always say neither of them gets jealous, this is not always the truth. In order to make sure your partner has no reason to feel jealous, let them know by your actions that they always come first. A united couple is a secure couple. Just like it is important for your partner to trust you, it is equally as important for potential swinger couples to trust you. Nobody wants to find themselves in a situation with a couple who is having problems. It can only lead to disaster for everyone involved and seasoned swingers can spot these couples a mile away.

Swinging is wonderful for couples who are honestly able to trust one another. One of the reasons some couples are so successful in the lifestyle is because of their honest communication. The talk about what they both feel comfortable with and what makes them uncomfortable. They speak honestly about what they like and dislike. Successful couples are like football players. They have a game plan and they stick with it. They have rules and boundaries regarding swinging. They talk about things before they arrive at an event and they rehash how things went afterwards. If something did not go as planned, they discuss how they could have done things differently. They operate as a team. They are in this together and it shows. These are the couples who have the best chance of success in the lifestyle.

Trust is something that people earn from others. When we first meet someone, we never know if we can trust them. It is over time, through actions and words that we discover that either this person is honest and we can rely on them, or they are not and we cannot have confidence in them. If trust was an issue prior to entering the lifestyle, swinging can exacerbate this problem tenfold. If this is an issue for your couple, the lifestyle is probably not the place for you.

Why swing clubs have become so popular over the past 10 years.

Swing clubs are trending
Swing clubs are trending
 This might not be news to many people in the lifestyle but apparently swing clubs have become a hip place to be seen.  This is quite a contrast to the days when people would do anything to keep their visits to swing clubs a secret!  Although every state is different with regard to the legality of swing clubs, for those that have been fortunate enough to have club owners in their home town go to court and battle, the taste of victory is very sweet for them indeed.  The clubs that reside in legal areas have seen tremendous growth in their clientele over the last decade or so.  For most states, each county has its own laws regarding this, which makes it even better for the owners who put their time and money into making this happen.
The change in the atmosphere in clubs that are no longer underground has been dramatic.  Before they were legal it was very risky for couples to venture out to a club for the evening.  Many people tell stories of making sure to have enough cash in their pockets to be able to make bail if they were to get arrested, after all, who could they call?  Some people recall being terrified of having their names in the newspaper should the club get raided.  Police would drive by at opening time and scare clients away or sit in the parking lot making sure clients were too uncomfortable to go inside.  One thing these long time swingers remember the most was the fact that when they were in the club, every single person there, was a swinger who came to play.  Back then, nobody was going to take the risk just to “check it out”.  That is where the clubs have seen a total change.
Back when it was not legal,  swing clubs rarely had big crowds and generally hosted about 20-30 couples on a Saturday night.  They were sparsely decorated and tended to be rather small in size.  Today, some clubs boast more than ten thousand square feet and rival the swank decor of any hot Miami Beach or New York City night club.  It is not uncommon for the more popular swing clubs to host over 200 couples in a night.  The difference is, a much smaller percentage of couples are there to play.  The truth is, where else can you spend an evening that allows you to bring your own bottle, serves dinner and breakfast and has a dj until 3 in the morning?  While it is true that most clubs have a membership fee, the nightly fees are generally less expensive than a moderately priced restaurant would cost to eat dinner for two.  Swing clubs are night clubs where the atmosphere on every Saturday night is like New Year’s Eve.  What other clubs have a regular clientele like this where couples are looking to make friends?  I have never been to a vanilla club where people want to meet you and your husband or boyfriend; couples are either there to have fun alone or they come to the club with a group of friends
There are times when men bring women into a swing club and she does not even know what kind of a club it really is.  When you spend your evening up front, there is no reason to guess what happens behind the closed doors in the back of the club.  The women usually figure it out when they see people getting carried away on the dance floor or around the bar.  Especially when she realizes that nobody else is shocked except for her!  Porn playing on a large screen in the club is also a dead giveaway that something is not quite kosher.
There has been a surge in the number of young couples who visit swing clubs.  In prior years it was uncommon to see people under the age of 40 visting a swing club.  Today, there are groups which cater to the younger crowd and it has become quite common for the younger groups to out number the 40 year old plus crowd.
For newcomers, the atmosphere of a swing club can be intoxicating.  The energy, the friendliness and the fun to be had is like no other type of club environment.  The sexy dresses, the provocative dancing, the nudity and sexual overtures are tintillating to say the least.  The notion that just behind the closed doors in the back of the club is something that you had always considered forbidden and deviant.  Live sex, both for you to watch and participate in, is never far from your thoughts. This new generation of curious guests soon come to find this part of the club’s appeal; it’s risque and they are a part of it!
The lifestyle has been slow to gain any type of acceptance in most communities but with so many people exploring swing clubs and enjoying the atmosphere perhaps we are seeing a change in attitude.  People are able to enter the clubs and have a good time while noticing that the clientele in the clubs are made up of normal people who are not attacking each other or indiscriminately lusting after one another.  The image most people have of what goes on in a swing club is generally drastically different from what they find when they arrive.  The media has not been particularly helpful in portraying swingers over the years and people outside the lifestyle have no other frame of reference with which to base this on.
Swing clubs are not dungeons with leather clad freaks wearing masks and making unwanted sexual advances to anyone and everyone.  Most people are pleasantly surprised to discover that swing clubs are very similar to any other night club.  One of the aspects that sets swing clubs apart is the friendly clientele.  Couples looking to meet other couples and warmly welcoming to newcomers is something you will not see elsewhere.  Most couples are well dressed and extremely respectful of each other.  People don’t judge and this encourages many couples who might not feel as though they fit in at other types of clubs, to turn to swing clubs.
Moving forward, with this refreshing change in attitude toward the lifestyle and how it has become trendy to be a part of it, people should feel more confident that wearing the jewelry only indicates that they are open minded.  The jewelry shall remain only known to people in the lifestyle but remember that being in the lifestyle does not mean you are a swinger.  It simply tells others that you enjoy that atmosphere and are open to conversations regarding such.