Women pride themselves on having the ability to communicate without having to say a word. They feel confident that they can both read body language and convey their feelings through it. The problem is that men are not always able to read these signals. Sometimes the situation can be reversed. It is important to pay attention to what your partner is trying to tell you when it is not possible to say something out loud. Some couples have code words while others have invented special signals to let their significant other know when they are ok or not with a situation. What happens when you are in a situation and one person is definitely not happy but the partner seems not to notice?
In a swing club last night there were two couples sitting next to each other by the dance floor. The women were perched on stools and the men were standing behind them. The men were engaged in conversation, laughing and having a good time but the women were clearly not clicking. One woman was attempting to make conversation with the other but she was totally ignoring her, never moving her eyes from the dance floor. You could see by their body language that they were not getting along. The men seemed oblivious to the fact that they were clearly wasting their time. At one point, one of the men left for the restroom and the other man immediately turned his attention to the other man’s wife, who was sitting in front of him. His partner seemed eager to get his attention but he was focusing on the other woman. Big mistake! When she realized he was completely blind to her feelings (which were obvious to me from across the room), she jumped off the stool and walked away without a word. The man was left standing there unsure of whether to remain talking to this other woman or to follow his girlfriend. Eventually the first man returned and he left to find his partner. I lost track of them but suspect the night did not end well for this couple.
How could this have played out differently? Perhaps if he had been paying attention to her body language he would have observed (as I did) that the women were not compatible. Without this dynamic, nothing can happen between the couples. Communication is always a priority if couples are going to be successful in the lifestyle but in this case, it was more about simply paying attention to his significant other.
Let’s face it, it is not logical to imagine that people are always going to like each other and click simply because their spouse wants it that way. Women, especially, can be a little more complicated when it comes to jelling with one another and this is something men must consider if their night is going to run smoothly! Imagine had the men tried to coerce those two women into a rendezvous in the backroom together! That would have been a nightmare before, during and after.
There are times when a couple might enter a lifestyle event but one of the couple isn’t really “feeling it.” They try to go along and have a good time but ultimately they are looking forward to simply playing with their own partner that night. Honestly, if your partner really knows you well, they will see it. The majority of the time, our body langauge speaks volumes without you having to explain it. If your partner is not tuned into you it can be a mess.
Swingers, perhaps more than any other type of couple, must be tuned in to their partners at all times if they want to have success when in a lifestyle environment. Couples are there to meet others, and for many couples it is with the intent to find another couple to swing with for that night. When you are engaged in a conversation with another couple, make sure you pay attention to the signals your partner might be trying to send you as it isn’t always possible to talk freely at this point. If he/she is actively engaged in conversation and smiling easily, chances are they are interested. If they are looking away or turning their body away from the group, chances are this means no, not a good fit. If your partner is grabbing onto your arm or pulling you towards them, you might want to consider that they are not interested.
The same goes for couples approaching you on a dance floor. Sometimes the man will turn his wife around to dance facing you. Are they expressing interest? Probably, but the choice is yours if you are open to getting closer to them. If they do not interest you, you can simply dance away from them. It is probably never a good idea to push your partner toward someone else without knowing that they have some interest.
What about when you are in the play area? A couple is next to you and starts to touch you while you are with your partner. How can you know if your partner would like to play with the other? These are times that verbal cues that the two of you have discussed ahead of time come in very handy! If you have not thought of this (perhaps you should), again, look at your partner. Do they appear interested in switching? If they continue to play with you and make no move to join the other couple, perhaps you should take that as a sign that they are not interested. The last thing you want is to put your partner in a situation that they do not want to be in. Body language in a situation like this is usally a very good indicator of interest or not. If your significant other pulls you close or they close off their body with their arms, it should let you know that they are not interested! If they turn towards this couple with outstretched arms, that is a good sign!
Swinging should be enjoyable and easy for both the man and woman of the couple. If your partner is not paying attention to you and what you are trying to convey to them, things probably will not end well for that night. One of the problems in the lifestyle is that when you are constantly surrounded by and approached by other couples, communicating freely can be a challenge. Women must remember that if they want their husband or boyfriend to know exactly how they are feeling, they must make it a point to convey this to them. If you already know that your man is not very good reading nonverbal cues, don’t expect him to know what you are trying to say if you don’t speak up.
The best course of action for any couple is to try to consider each situation and decide if it looks like your signifiacnt other is interested in the same thing as you. You might be attracted to the male part of a couple but either ask your man or observe him to see if he looks happy. Same thing for your wife. If she is clearly unhappy with a situation, walk away. If you are a couple, you should expect to put each other first. It is probably a good rule of thumb to always stop and think about how you would feel if the situation were reversed. What is good for one should be good for the other.