Swinging is not cheating; understanding the difference.

Couple who swings, doesn't cheat. Wearing Parners ID jewelry
Couple who swings, doesn’t cheat. Wearing Parners ID jewelry

 

 

 

Swingers have a clear understanding of what swinging means and they definitely do not consider themselves cheaters.  The percentage of people in the lifestyle who cheat on their spouses is significantly lower than the percentage in the population at large.  Before we can talk about cheating, let’s discuss what the word really means.   According to dictionary.com a cheater is  a person who acts dishonestly, deceives, or defrauds.    I do not see how swingers are guilty of this in any way as real swingers bring their partners with them when they actively swing.   In any group  of people, regardless of their sexual orientation, preferences, religions, politics, etc, you will find some ‘bad apples’, but as we know, we cannot judge an entire group of people based on a few misguided souls.

It is important to consider why someone in a committed relationship  might cheat on their spouse.   One reason someone might cheat is because they are not satisfied with the sex they are having with their partner.  It could be that the actual act itself is not what one person needs to feel fulfilled or perhaps it is not frequent enough.  Perhaps the cheater has met someone and is physically attracted to them.  Some people who have been married for a while feel the need to be attractive to someone else. Another scenario could be that the couple is not connecting and having problems; be it money, kids, whatever, and the result is lack of interest in having sex with each other.  Maybe the spouse has stopped taking care of themselves and is unappealing to their partner.  Whatever the case may be, the end result is that this person looks to have sex with someone else and keeps it a secret from their spouse or significant other.  This is cheating and ultimately will lead to a problem between the couple if it is discovered.

Let us now look at swinging.  Swinging is done with your partner.  The couple enters the lifestyle and chooses to seek out a sexual relationship with another couple or a single swinger.  It does not really matter why the couple has decided to do this, but rather the fact that it is done in plain view of each other.  There are no secrets or deceptions here.  If you watch a couple playing with another couple, you will usually see the spouses interacting with each other while they are playing with someone else.  A hand on their shoulder, a kiss, a helpful hand down there, whatever it is, you will see that this is something they are doing together.  That is very different from sneaking into a hotel room while your spouse is at work or with the kids to have sex with someone else.  Even when swingers decide to play separately, they do it with permission from their partner.

If you have a relationship like swingers do, why would you cheat?  It is very liberating to be so open and honest with your partner about everything you are doing, why would you bother doing this behind their back?  For most couples who swing, they have formed a very strong bond.  They are even more connected because they share a secret lifestyle that most choose not to expose to others in their lives.  This “secret” can be a strong glue for couples.

Let’s be honest, sex is exciting but often put on a back burner for married couples.  They have busy lives and are often too tired for sex.  They imagine it is mutual and so it can become as much of a routine to not have sex as it once was to have sex.  This can be a slippery slope in marriage as intimacy is a critical component to long lasting successful marriages.  Swingers have very active sex lives, but not every night out to a swing club results in playing with someone else.  Frequently, married swingers will play alone together if nothing else presents itself during that night, and both are usually perfect happy.

One of the big differences between couples in the lifestyle and those who are not is how open couples in the lifestyle are with each other.  When you take jealousy off the table, love can be limitless.  When someone has doubts or fears about their partner’s fidelity, it puts space between a couple.  If every time you see their sexy coworker or watch them come alive when an attractive waiter or waitress flirts with them and secretly wonder what they are thinking, it does not help your relationship.  This wondering casts a shadow on your relationship as it creates doubt and insecurity.   It is common, however,  for couples in the lifestyle to turn a blind eye to sexy coworkers and others because they know they can have what they want in the lifestyle.  They do not look for validation in everyday situations with attractive people because they do not need it.  Vanilla couples, rely on these interactions to gauge if people still find them attractive.

It is said that humans are not monogamous by nature and perhaps this is why it can be such a struggle for couples in long term relationships to remain faithful to one another.  It would seem that for this reason, the lifestyle can offer couples a way to remain together for the long haul.  Many couples are very happily married to their partner, except when it comes to sex.  Why break up a happy marriage when there are alternatives?  Obviously, swinging is not for everyone and people in the lifestyle know that.  Why then do people not accept the fact that monogamy is not for everyone?

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A unicorn explains why she is in the lifestyle and what she is looking for.

 

 

 

Unicorn wearing Partners ID jewelry
Unicorn wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This blog was written for Partners ID by Kennedy M., a single woman in the lifestyle.

Most swingers prefer to keep the fact that they are in the lifestyle to themselves.  At times it can be challenging, especially when we find ourselves in situations that are hard to explain.  Imagine how hard it would be for vanilla people to wrap their minds around a unicorn!

Not long ago, while taking notes in a board room for an important client, I received an email with a subject line that said it was an important message from Joe (a close friend’s name).  I was busy and did not look at the return email address.  As soon as we took a break for a few minutes I scrolled down and clicked on it.  To my surprise there was a close up picture of a black man’s dick.  Before I could click delete, a male coworker was standing behind my chair asking if that was my new boyfriend.

When I am not blogging about my lifestyle experiences I have a job that is quite vanilla; complete with meetings in board rooms and client lunches.  For obvious reasons, I do not discuss my private life where I work.  When colleagues ask what I did over the weekend, I usually tell them, “The usual; a movie, some dinner” etc.  The company I work for would be horrified if they really knew how I spend my weekends.

I am a unicorn, a single girl in the swinger lifestyle, for those who do not know the term.

When I started swinging, I was not alone.  My boyfriend and I spent at least two night each week in our local swing club.   I was very much in love with my boyfriend and was heart broken when he ended it with little explanation.

I am not soured by this nor do I hate men.  Right now, I am wary of putting my heart out there again in fear that I will find myself in the same situation.

When I was finally ready to go back out after the breakup, I returned to a place where I felt very comfortable in the past.  My former boyfriend and I were swing club rats and spent at least two nights a week in our local establishment.  We had a nice circle of lifestyle friends, many of whom had reached out to me after the break up.

My first night out alone was a little bit scary.  Naturally, I was unsure how I would be received by some of the women.  Although I knew I was not looking to intrude on anyone’s relationship, would other people know that?  I had never really known any unicorns but had heard some women speaking poorly of them in the past.  The last thing I wanted was for people to think I had some ulterior motives for spending time in a swing club.

For the most part, the women were happy to see me and welcomed me with open arms.  One or two seemed a bit uncomfortable with all the attention the men lavished upon me (which I in no way sought out but as most unicorns will admit, it is hard to avoid).

The first few times I went to the club I felt a little awkward.  I needed people to make me feel like I belonged there.  It didn’t take long for couples (some I knew, some I did not) to ask me to join them in the back room.  After a period of time I started receiving invitations to parties.  Then men started asking me to accompany them to the club when their wives were out of town.   Although I do know other unicorns who have no problem with this, I have always declined the offers.   Whereas I knew why I was there, I wasn’t sure others understood why I chose to make a swing club my night life of choice.  It was hurtful when I overheard women asking each other what exactly I was looking for.

I will tell you “what I was, and still am, looking for.”  I love to dance, I love to dress sexy and I love to have fun.  I like to meet new people and I love to have sex; both with men and with women.  I like the comfort and the warmth of the lifestyle.  It’s a great place to go to as you do not need a date, or to make plans with others.  You just show up and hang with the people who are there.  You can spend an amazing night, have great sex and kiss the other people goodnight.  I can go home and sleep alone in my bed.  Nobody to answer to.  I can stay until 12 midnight or go home at 4am.  I can do what I want with no strings attached.

If I am looking for some one on one time, there are always single guys who are more than willing to spend the evening with a unicorn.  The best part is, I do not have to be alone with them.  We can choose a private room to play but I am not in a scary situation with a stranger.  If I want to be with a couple, no problem.  If I want a gang bang, that’s my choice.  The best part for me is that I leave alone.

I am not looking for a boyfriend, husband or anything else; just a good time.  That’s it, that’s all.  Obviously I cannot speak for every unicorn as we are all individuals.  Over time I have gotten to know a few who spend time in this swing club. We are definitely not all on the same page.  Personally, I will not go into the back room with someone else’s husband if she is not in the club to approve.  Most of the other girls have no problem with that.

I  will not date a married man with or without the wife’s permission.  I will only play with someone’s husband if she is present, but even then, I prefer to make it a threesome.  Most unicorns I have met don’t really have any rules.  They are out for themselves and offer no apologies for what they do.  They prefer to be alone for a variety of reasons and although they love the attention they get in the clubs, for the most part, they are not looking for anything more than a good time.

I have tried to imagine how I would feel if there was a unicorn around when my boyfriend and I were together at the club.  We did not really know of any at that time so it is hard to say.  If unicorns are respectful of other’s relationships then there should never be a problem.  I would suggest making sure that if you choose this route you pay a lot of attention to the women.  If you are flirting with their husband and ignoring them, this will be a problem for sure.  Since you have no one to offer to them, you must flirt with them as a couple.  Always try to put yourself in the woman’s shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if the situation were reversed.

Unicorns are a great addition to the lifestyle if they understand the rules of the game.  Some think they are the stars of the club because they get a lot of attention.  Perhaps it would be better to just think of yourself as another component to the lifestyle.  Although we bring an added element to the lifestyle, the lifestyle could easily exist without us.

Nobody ever asks what single men are looking for in the club.  Why the double standard?  It seems a question I hear often regarding unicorns.   Perhaps it would surprise people to hear that I am looking for sex just like they are.  It just so happens tothat I prefer the no strings attached variety.  I don’t want you to call me in the morning.  Really, I don’t.  More often that not, I also don’t want to play with you again.  It was fun once but I am not looking to repeat the experience regardless of how awesome it might have been.  I am not looking for you to cuddle with me or tell me how beautiful I am.  Please do not tell me about your problems and I will not bother you with mine.  The truth is, I don’t really care, I just want to enjoy my night out.

I do like to try new things and am very open minded.  Sometimes that seems to make some women feel  a little threatened.  I am not a slut or a whore because I am a sexual person.  When I was in a relationship I did not feel as free to explore things as I do now.  Perhaps that is why it is hard for you to relate, but that doesn’t really give you the right to judge.

People have asked me many times why I am not out looking for someone of my own.  It is a valid question but again, I am enjoying being by myself.  When I am ready to be in a relationship, I can assure you I will not be fishing for someone in a swing club.  Perhaps one day I will meet a nice single guy at a lifestyle event but who knows.  For now, I am very happy to be a unicorn and have no plans to change that any time soon.

 

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Vanilla couples; are they secretly wishing to explore the lifestyle?

Vanilla couple trying on Partners ID jewelry
Vanilla couple trying on Partners ID jewelry
 What separates vanilla folks from those in the lifestyle?  (For those who do not know the term, someone who is vanilla, is someone who is not in the lifestyle.) Is it that they are having such mind blowing sex with their spouse or significant other that they never even think about being with someone else? That seems highly unlikely.  It seems impossible to believe that every adult does not at some time fantasize about having sex with someone else. It is normal and it is human.  It does not mean that they will act on it, it strictly means they have thought about what it would be like.
Sex is a big part of adult life and although some people like to disagree, all we need to do is to consider the billion dollar porn industry.  If nobody is that interested in sex, who on earth is watching all of that porn?  How many marriages fall apart because one person wants sex and the other has lost interest?  One person has a choice at that point:  cheat or leave.
One thing that I really appreciate about swingers is that they are honest about sex.  They like sex, they want sex and they think it is normal to talk about sex.  They have learned to make the difference between sex and love.   They have learned how to channel their desire for sex and their desire for excitement, while staying in their committed relationship.  It’s a win – win.
We talk about the fact that swing clubs are trending and based on the number of vanilla couples visiting swing clubs, they are trending for sure.  What about the couples who have not explored the lifestyle?  What makes some couples take the plunge and others not?
Having been in the lifestyle for over ten years, we are at the point where most of our weekends are spent either at private parties or swing clubs.  We did have an obligatory dinner this past weekend with some vanilla friends and it was very interesting.  I noticed that after a few drinks there was a lot of flirting between the couples.  At one point (we were at someone’s home) a song came on and two of the women got up and danced together.  They were not provocative, but the men ran for their phones and were cheering them on.  My husband and I just sat and watched.  Obviously for us, this is nothing new, except that there was no touching and they were wearing clothing.  It occurred to me throughout the night that our vanilla friends had some sexual tension between them, but they kept it in check.  There is no way that they are acting on it but I couldn’t help but wonder if they don’t think about it at night when they go their separate ways.  They know we are in the lifestyle but never ask us about it so we do not offer any information.
Is it possible for some couples to be satisfied with these type of interactions and never consider acting on them?  I realize it must be, as most people are not swingers and would never consider this lifestyle.  Are these the type of couples that go on to have affairs?  Do they spend their lives secretly wishing they could be with someone else?  Perhaps for them it is too risky.
Perhaps this is what lifestyle couples have in common; they are risk takers.  There are always going to be exceptions to every rule, but in this case, it seems very possible that this is a common trait amongst many swingers.  Think about the people you know in the lifestyle.  Most of them are a little bit more daring than others you know.  When I consider the jobs swingers have, although they obviously cover a huge spectrum, there are some similarities.  We have met many doctors, lawyers, stock brokers, ex cops, veterans, firefighters, paramedics, etc.  What do all of their jobs have in common?  They are risky; they can never predict the outcome of what they do.  They are not like accountants or engineers or architects where things are mapped out so there is never room for a questionable outcome.  Interestingly enough, we rarely encounter accountants, architects or engineers in the lifestyle.
If couples are afraid of risk, the lifestyle is the last place you will find them.  Everyone who swings realizes that when you enter the lifestyle you lose a little control over your relationship.  You have to have a tremendous amount of faith in both yourself and your partner to be able to partake.  Imagine the man who thinks he wants to play with other women only until he sees his wife enjoy having sex with another man.  He took a risk.  He came into the lifestyle and allowed his wife to play with someone else.  For some people, they have enough confidence to believe their wife (or husband) will enjoy the moment and want only to be back with them.  Others will not have that confidence, so the risk is too high.  It is the same for women; sure my husband seems satisfied with  me now, but he might meet a prettier, slimmer woman with a better body.  What if she’s better in bed than I am?  How will things ever be the same with my husband again?  When you think about it this way, swinging can seem like a risk many couples would rather not take.
It is easy to understand vanilla couples acting as though they are perfectly happy with their marriage just as it is, and wanting us to imagine that their sex lives are perfect.  If they were to open up and say they are curious, or have thought about having sex with someone else, they might get invited into the lifestyle and they are not ready for that risk.  It would seem impossible to believe that if vanilla couples were truly honest with themselves that they could say they have never thought about having sex with someone else.  I guess the difference between couples who take the lifestyle plunge and those who don’t, is that swingers are more open and honest with their partners.  It can be very risky to even ask your partner if they will try the lifestyle, but for those of us who did, the rewards have been huge.
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Do women drink more alcohol than men at lifestyle events?

Woman drinking alcohol wearing Partners ID jewelry
Woman drinking alcohol wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

Do women in the lifestyle drink more alcohol than men at events and clubs?

Since prohibition ended in 1933 and alcohol was finally legalized permanently in the US, it has become a mainstay with most adults in America. It has become somewhat of a rarity to meet an adult who does not drink alcohol.

Alcohol has always been somewhat of a right of passage for young adults. Forbidden to kids when they are young due to their age, suddenly when they cross into adulthood, many indulge in drinking. Often times, young adults try to impress each other with their new found ‘maturity’ and will binge drink with friends on weekends.

As we get older, drinking usually becomes more of a social activity. Many adults will also use alcohol to relax and alleviate stress. Alcohol is known to instill a sense of social confidence and is known for loosening our inhibitions. Naturally, alcohol has found its place in the lifestyle for these reasons.

The majority of people who enter a swing club or attend a lifestyle event for the first time are inclined to drink alcohol as a way of relieving the anxiety of a new situation. Alcohol can be a sort of “liquid courage”.

We can relate to why people will drink more than usual when they find themselves in a new situation, but what happens when couples become regulars in swing clubs or at lifestyle events? Do they still drink more than usual?

Often times, it becomes apparent that women drink more heavily than men in these situations. Why is that? It can be a number of reasons:

Men tend to drink less to avoid “whiskey dick”, (according to the urban dictionary: when you’ve had too much to drink and have a girl back home and can’t get it up to perform the deed)

2. Men are often the “designated drivers” so they must take this into consideration when drinking.

3. Women generally feel less inhibited when drinking alcohol and so they tend to want a buzz to feel more sure of themselves and less reserved.

4. Most women, when they are new to the lifestyle, require a little time to reprogram their way of thinking. Alcohol dulls their moral compass and allows them to act in a way that they might not feel able to, if they were sober.

The big difference between men and women in these situations is two fold:

Men must be able to achieve and maintain an erection if they are going to have sex, whereas women (obviously) do not. Alcohol makes this difficult, if not impossible, for many men.

Many (or perhaps most) women were reared to equate sex with love. She now must change the way she thinks in order to relax and enjoy swinging. Having sex with a man who you have either met briefly or who is a total stranger, can be difficult when you first start swinging. Add in the public sex and your partner with another woman and it is a recipe which screams for another drink. Many women have said that even after years in the lifestyle, none of this would be possible without a fair amount of alcohol.

Men, on the other hand, are very different. Most men say that although they like to have a drink or two for their own pleasure, they absolutely do not “need it” to enjoy swinging. They have no compunction with having sex in public nor with their wives playing with other men. Most, in fact, find it a turn on to watch their wife getting it on with another man.

Unlike women, most men are able to separate sex and love and have mastered this skill at a very early age. Alcohol is not needed to help them to deal with emotional issues while playing, many simply feel it makes them more relaxed and allows them to be more social.

For these reasons, it is not uncommon to discover many women who are either buzzed or very drunk at lifestyle events. When alcohol elicits a euphoric effect and allows a woman to relax and enjoy herself, then alcohol has had a positive effect. When a woman is incoherent, passed out or just plain belligerent, this is obviously a negative consequence of alcohol and can be a disaster.

While most people drink for enjoyment, too much alcohol can have the opposite effect. When people are having a good time and things are going well, the need to over drink is not usually as prevalent. When someone is feeling overwhelmed or emotional, over drinking can seem like a helpful way to cope with the stress. Obviously, this usually ends poorly as the person either becomes sick, angry or curled up on a couch.

Blaming alcohol seems like an easy excuse when things go wrong in the lifestyle. Perhaps couples should take a step back and examine the reason for the alcohol abuse in the first place. If both the man and the woman are tuned into each other and taking steps to ensure each other’s happiness and comfort while at any lifestyle event, the negative effects of alcohol should be able to be avoided. If one part of the couple is drinking too much, the other should try to assess the situation and see what might be causing this. Sometimes a little time and attention is all that is needed to put your partner at ease.

As with all other problematic situations couples face in the lifestyle, communication can help clear the air and goes a long way to fixing problems.

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Couples who communicate with each other are the happiest in the lifestyle.

Couple in the park showing they communicate with each other, wearing Partners ID jewelry
Happy couple in the park wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

Communication; why it is so important for couples in the lifestyle.

We frequently hear swingers asking what makes some couples more successful than others in the lifestyle. The number one reason why some couples are able to remain in the lifestyle for so many years always comes down to the same reason: they have learned to communicate with each other.

Although swinging can be a lot of fun, it can also cause a lot of pain. It is not easy for everyone to watch their spouse or significant other being intimate with someone else. We are programmed from the time we are very young to believe that intimacy takes place between two loving adults (usually married adults). When we start to swing, although it can be extremely exciting, it can also bring up a lot of issues between couples. Watching your partner in a passionate embrace with someone else can be confusing and intimidating. Many people who are new to the lifestyle will wonder “what if he likes her better” or “what if he is better in bed than I am”?

The worst way to handle these feelings is to keep them to yourself. Many couples do not discuss these feelings because they are, after all, in a swing club and this is what couples are there for, right? It is normal for your wife to squeal with delight while having sex (even if it has been a long time since she did this with you), right? Why say something when clearly she was having a good time. Sure, you feel a little hurt that she didn’t notice you couldn’t get an erection. You kissed her shoulder to get her to help you out but she was busy and didn’t seem to feel your touch.

So the night is over and you drive home in silence. You imagine she is replaying the wonderful time she had in her head. You want to talk about it but her eyes are closed and you don’t want to bother her. This scenario is the start of a problem. Keeping hurt feelings to yourself will only snowball over time. If you are not letting your partner know that something bothers you, how can they need to change the behavior for next time?

If a couple doesn’t rehash every encounter, it can lead to problems down the line. Even if both people were happy with the night, something should be said. This allows both people to talk about why it was good or bad and what could have been done differently. If it was a positive encounter then talk about why it worked for you both. If it was not positive, what was the problem and how can you avoid something like this in the future? Blaming your partner or becoming upset or hostile is not the best way to get your point across. Try showing your partner how it felt from your perspective while allowing them to do the same. Come up with a game plan for the future so that if you find yourselves in a similar situation, you both know exactly what to do to avoid a problem.

The real problems begin when although you are communicating the good and the bad, your partner continues with the same behaviors that have bothered you in the past. This should indicate to you that your partner does not have your best interest at heart. This says your partner is there on their own terms and this is a red flag. Good communication should result in more positive encounters. If this is not the case, something is wrong.

Every couple who swings, whether you are seasoned or newbies, full swap or soft, will have situations that arise at some point. Shying away from a frank conversation will never help to solve the problems. If you are afraid of upsetting your partner by letting them know how you feel, then something is very wrong with your relationship and perhaps swinging is not for you. Couples who are honest and upfront with each other have the best chance at long term success in the lifestyle.

Couples who communicate openly and honestly are the happiest couples both in and out of the lifestyle. When the two of you are able to express what works for you and what does not, there is never any reason to worry that your partner does not know how different situations make you feel. Good communication is the sign of a happy and mature relationship. It is proof positive that couples are committed to each other and are supportive of each other.

Just remember that good communication requires honesty. It is important to convey to each other what makes you happy and what types of things are hurtful. If a couple truly loves and respects each other, things should be much easier to navigate when you know exactly how each other feels.

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Love does play a role in swinging but not in the way people might imagine.

Couple in love wearing Partners ID jewelry
Couple in love wearing Partners ID jewelry

When we think about swinging, we do not think about love. The purpose of swinging is to have fun. To find another couple or a single man or woman to fulfill a fantasy. Sex is a physical act and does not require love to participate. Swinging equates to sex without love whereas a marriage incorporates love and sex.

To people who are not in the lifestyle, it is a very difficult concept for them to grasp. They frequently ask if couples in the lifestyle if they are afraid that their partner could fall in love with someone else. Sure, anything is possible, but you do not have to be a swinger to be at risk of falling in love with someone else.

Swinging has nothing to do with love. Swingers do not seek out the lifestyle to find a partner to share their life with. Single swingers might be looking for someone who shares their lifestyle views but couples are not there for this reason.

Vanilla couples cannot understand how swingers do not get jealous when they see their partner with someone else but it always reminds me of something from the Bible. The following is a part of the passage, not the entire thing: (I am not religious, or Catholic, but this always comes to mind):

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy, it does not put on airs, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. So Faith, Hope and Love abide these three; But the Greatest of these is Love.”

In my opinion, the only role love plays in swinging, is between the couple that decides together that they would like to explore the  lifestyle.  You love your partner enough to give them the freedom to partake in things they otherwise could not, and you find joy in seeing them enjoy those things.  You have faith in your partner; you allow them to play because you are sure they will come back to you.   You are able to express love for each other by forging your own path.  You do not allow others to dictate to you what is normal.  Although society equates love with monogamy, you choose to define love your own way and you know the love between you and your partner is mutually exclusive.  You hope that your love is forever and that these experiences will only enrich your lives.

There is no love between couples that play but there can be infatuation or lust.  How can you love someone that you don’t really know?  The person who shows up at parties or swing clubs or on vacations or cruises allows you to see only a small part of who they are.  The real person is the one who has to get up for work in the mornings; the person who has to clean up after their children or their dog.  The true person is not always dancing and having fun but paying bills and dealing with stress.  Until you know that person, how can you really know that you love them?

The part of swinging that makes it so enjoyable is that we get to dress up, have a few drinks, dance or socialize then move onto the swinging aspect.  Spending an evening with swingers is like going out on New Year’s Eve.  It’s always a big party, but is that real life?  It is an awful lot of fun and the environment lends itself to getting hot for other people, but that is the whole point.  We go into swing clubs looking for others to spend a few hours with but not our lives.

If people in the lifestyle were not able to separate sex and love, swinging could not exist.  It is the rare couple who can find that delicate balance and make it work.  If couples were constantly falling in love with each other, swing clubs would be empty.  Who would want to risk their relationship for an evening of fun?
The most important thing is to keep perspective.  Having sex with someone else is just for a moment of pleasure, whereas being in a committed relationship is hopefully for a lifetime.

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Why you must be able to trust your partner in order to be successful in the lifestyle.

Woman with trust issues . All 3 wearing Parnters ID jewelry
Woman feels left out. All 3 wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

 

Trust is something that is vitally important for any relationship to be successful. Some people believe that trust is more important than love in order to sustain a healthy relationship with another person. According to dictionary.com, trust means the following:

1. Reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. Confident expectation of something; hope.
3. Confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit:

If you cannot rely upon or have confidence in the person you share your life with, there are sure to be problems between the two of you. Having trust in another person allows you to feel both confident and safe.

What are some of the ways in which people allow others to trust them?

For one, being dependable for you partner is critical. If your partner knows that regardless of the situation they can turn to you for help and you will be there for them, that helps to build a solid foundation. Supporting your partner is very important. If they need to talk to you about something, be available to them. Don’t diminish their feelings when they open up about something that concerns them. Even if something seems silly or unimportant to you, it might feel the exact opposite to them. Make sure your partner knows you care about them. Don’t just nod your head when they speak, listen to what they are saying and try to help them through the situation.

Trust is not built around control. If you try to control your partner, it makes them feel that you have no confidence in them. Allow them the freedom to do what is best for them and for you, without your interference. Show your partner respect by trusting them around other people. If something is bothering you, discuss it with your partner, not other people. Talking about your partner is never helpful in either resolving problems or in building trust between the two of you.

So how does trust come into play in the lifestyle? Most people believe that their fellow swingers have no trust issues with their partners. How can they? Swinging is built around the philosophy of an open marriage. Without trust, how could you possibly swing?

Trust is critically important in the lifestyle, perhaps even more so, than in the vanilla world. Swingers allow their partners to not only flirt with others, but to have sex with other people. The majority of their time spent in lifestyle venues is for the purpose of finding others to have sex with. If something is happening that makes one person uncomfortable, this could lead to disaster for the couple.

In order for swingers to be successful in the lifestyle, couples must be proficient in communicating with one another. Nothing can be held back when talking about the lifestyle. If one person is feeling insecure or uncomfortable about something, it must be spoken about immediately. Trust is the most important factor in determining the success or failure of a couple who decides to enter the lifestyle.

Often times one person is actually acting in a way that their partner finds offensive but to keep the peace, they let it slide. It is very important to make sure your partner comes first in the lifestyle regardless of how long the two of you have been swinging. From the moment you step foot into a swing club or party, you must remember you are a couple first and foremost. Make sure your partner is happy and comfortable at all times. Your partner must feel that you are there for them no matter what the circumstance. Does your partner need a refill for their drink, would they like to dance, do they like the people you are talking with? Are you paying attention to everyone except them? Is there a person you find attractive and are spending too much time watching them or trying to flirt with them? Although in your mind that is why you are at the club or the party, your partner might not appreciate the way in which you approach swinging.  A simple loving gesture from time to time goes a long way to letting your partner know you are thinking of them.  Hold their hand, a gentle kiss or even touching their hair will let them feel that you are thinking about them.

One of the best ways to ensure your partner will always be happy and comfortable is to consider how you would feel if the tables were turned. Always treat your partner as you would like to be treated. Jealousy is always a possibility in the lifestyle. Although couples always say neither of them gets jealous, this is not always the truth. In order to make sure your partner has no reason to feel jealous, let them know by your actions that they always come first. A united couple is a secure couple. Just like it is important for your partner to trust you, it is equally as important for potential swinger couples to trust you. Nobody wants to find themselves in a situation with a couple who is having problems. It can only lead to disaster for everyone involved and seasoned swingers can spot these couples a mile away.

Swinging is wonderful for couples who are honestly able to trust one another. One of the reasons some couples are so successful in the lifestyle is because of their honest communication. The talk about what they both feel comfortable with and what makes them uncomfortable. They speak honestly about what they like and dislike. Successful couples are like football players. They have a game plan and they stick with it. They have rules and boundaries regarding swinging. They talk about things before they arrive at an event and they rehash how things went afterwards. If something did not go as planned, they discuss how they could have done things differently. They operate as a team. They are in this together and it shows. These are the couples who have the best chance of success in the lifestyle.

Trust is something that people earn from others. When we first meet someone, we never know if we can trust them. It is over time, through actions and words that we discover that either this person is honest and we can rely on them, or they are not and we cannot have confidence in them. If trust was an issue prior to entering the lifestyle, swinging can exacerbate this problem tenfold. If this is an issue for your couple, the lifestyle is probably not the place for you.

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Newbies tend to have a perception of swingers that is not always accurate.

Newbie swinger woman toasting friends wearing Partners ID jewelry
Newbie swinger woman toasting friends wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Newbies is a term  swingers use which refers to people who are new to the lifestyle.  The word “newbie” is not a new term and is even listed in the merriam-webster dictionary:

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/newbie

One of the wonderful things about the lifestyle is the variety of people it attracts.  People from all walks of life are swingers.   We were approached recently by a couple on a beach who spotted our flag and wanted to ask about the lifestyle. (Glad the flag works!)

They have never been in any type of lifestyle environment ( which is why we use the term “newbies”) and thought the nude beach might help them get some information about swing clubs and swinger resorts.  They were smart because there are many swingers that frequent the nude beach.  They had no idea how to know who was a swinger so the flag came in handy for that!  The woman (who was wearing a rather conservative one piece bathing suit) was very apprehensive about the type of women she would find in a swing club.  She somehow felt she would not measure up to swing club standards.  The man did not seem particularly concerned with this and it should come as no surprise that she was in better shape than he.  I suppose it is normal to have preconceived notions about what you will see on your first trip to a swing club and newbies are never sure if they will fit in.  She went on to explain that she is not as thin as she was, or in as good shape as she was 20 years ago.  She was afraid that all the women in a swing club or at a resort such as Desire or Secrets Hideaway would be perfect tens and that would intimidate her.  She was concerned that they would all ooze sexuality and she was still raising children and did not really consider herself particularly sexy.  She mentioned that she is not good with hair and make up and prefers a more natural look.  How could she ever compete with all of the glamorous women with perfect hair, make up and bodies?

I was not sure why her perception of swing clubs was like this but we spent a good hour talking to them about the realities of lifestyle venues and what types of people you will find.  We assured her that in any given swing club you will see a very broad spectrum of both men and women.   It is possible you will spot a woman you think is the perfect model, but isn’t beauty in the eye of the beholder?  Every man I have ever met has different taste when it comes to women.  Some look at breasts, some at legs, some at the face, some like certain hair and others like a combination of things.  Some men like very thin women and some like very large women, so how can we decide who is a perfect ten?  I told her if she is concerned that she will find a bunch of Victoria Secret models walking around the club, she is worried for nothing.  Every swing club and swinger resort we have ever been to has been made up of all types of women.  Tall, short, fat, thin, beautiful blown out hair styles, wet matted hair, curly, straight, long and short hair, big boobs, small boobs, no boobs, beautiful dresses, jeans, shorts, fishnets, you name it.  Some women wear 6″ stilettos and others sport flip flops.  Some women have had plastic surgery and some seem not to be interested in  the shape or size of their bodies.   There is no particular style or trend in any club I have ever been to.  In my opinion, women should never worry that they won’t “measure up” in a swing club because there are all types of women.

The same goes for men.  Men come in all shapes and sizes.  You will find some men with hair, some without, some well dressed, some not.  Some men have big bellies, some have big muscles; some are well endowed and some are not.  The beauty of the lifestyle is everyone can play.  Swingers do not seem to notice the color of anyone’s hair or skin and they seem unconcerned with what you do for a living.  Bring a smile and a warm, open attitude and anyone can have a good time.

Life is too short to worry about what others might think.  The beauty of the lifestyle is the variety of people you will meet and how the majority of people are just there to have a good time.  Nobody cares what you are wearing or if your makeup is perfect.  Wear what makes you comfortable and bring a positive attitude.

The couple seemed happy to hear that they would fit in just fine but before they left I did offer her a small piece of advice:  After years of raising children and leaving your “sexy self” behind, you will shocked to see how fast it will return when you enter a swing club.  Find what makes you feel good and wear it with pride.  The only person you should want to impress is your husband and the same goes for him.  As for the people in the club?  They will like you if you are friendly, that’s all you need to fit in!

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Ok, fine, I’m a slut, a whore and a nymphomaniac. But, you should know, I’m very satisfied!

Slutty woman in underwear wearing Partners ID belly ring
Slutty woman in underwear wearing Partners ID belly ring

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Slut is a word we are all familiar with.  We heard it used a lot in high school to shame girls who had sex with too many guys.  It did not occur to me in those years that we did not have a term for the males who were doing the same thing.

I stumbled upon an article the other day which was talking about the number of sexual partners people have had over the course of their lifetime, and what it says about them.

https://onlinedoctor.superdrug.com/whats-your-number/

The article is actually quite interesting and at the same time a bit alarming. As a swinger, reading that the general population thinks that the ideal number of past sexual partners for both men and women is 7, concerns me.  Seven?! Seriously?! I know people who have sex with 7 different people in one night!

My immediate reaction to the notion that a new man in my life would want to hear that I have only slept with 7 men prior to him, was that I felt a little nauseous. I think I had slept with 7 guys before I graduated from college. What does this mean? I was (and still am) a total slut?  Probably, but lucky for me, my husband appreciates the fact that I love sex as much as he does.

I don’t think anyone would be surprised to learn that both men and women tended to change their true numbers slightly (at their own admission). Men tended to say they have had sex with more women than they actually have, while women tended to say they have had sex with less partners than they have. It is a surprise to me that in the year 2017 people are still so antiquated in their thinking. Men want to be with women who love sex, but they don’t want to be with women who have been too sexually active or who are too experienced.

Perhaps because I have been married for a long time I have lost touch with single stigmas, but come on people, this is 2017. Many people in their 50s, 60s and 70s are part of the baby boomer population. They believe in sex, drugs and rock and roll, don’t they? This generation was having sex, and a lot of it, back in the 60s and 70s. You mean to tell me they were part of this survey? I think not.

I also would have imagined that we were no longer holding women to a different standard than men. We still think men are studs when they have many conquests while women remain sluts for doing the same. We pat men on the back for their accomplishments in bed while we shake our heads in disdain at the women with whom they are doing this. Every time I think we’ve come a long way (baby) I discover that perhaps we really have not. Even the terms we are still using to describe sexually adventurous women versus men have remained unchanged in the way one degrades the woman, while the other praises the man. According to Wikipedia, the term slut is as follows:

Slut is generally a term for a woman or girl who is considered to have loose sexual morals or who is sexually promiscuous.[1][2] It is usually used as an insult, sexual slur or offensive term of disparagement (slut shaming).[2][3] It originally meant “a dirty, slovenly woman”,[2] and is rarely used to refer to men, generally requiring clarification by use of the terms male slut or man whore.

Today, the term slut has a pervasive presence in popular culture and pornography, but is almost exclusively used to describe women. An exact male equivalent of the term does not exist. The lack of a comparably popular term for men highlights the double standard in societal expectations (gender roles) between males and females, as negative terms for sexually promiscuous males are rare.[5][14]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slut

This is one of the reasons why swinging and the lifestyle are such wonderful outlets. Nobody is judging anyone within the lifestyle. If you love sex, good for you! Curious to try something new? This is the place! Judge free zone! Everyone is free to explore their fantasies. In all of the years that I have been in the lifestyle, I have never heard anyone put a woman down for sleeping with too many men. Even the women who like gang bangs and trains. Most people just shrug their shoulders and say whatever she’s into to, glad she’s having fun.

For swingers, the standards set by the general population do not apply. Men in the lifestyle are not really interested in women who do not want to play. People are in the lifestyle for this purpose! Sexually open women are the norm, as are the sexually adventurous women.  Men seem drawn to the women who exude sex as they are certain that it will prove to be an enjoyable experience.  As far as asking about or caring about how many sexual partners someone has had?  I’ve never heard anyone discuss this within the confines of the lifestyle. Truth is, most people would probably laugh and say, “I have no idea, I lost count!”

It fascinates me that men who are not in the lifestyle prefer women who have slept with (at most) 7 partners. They feel that more than that signifies a promiscuous woman. What the survey did not discuss was a woman’s age. What if she’s 50 and has never been married? I hope these men are open to the thought that their partner to be likes to masturbate. Or, open to the notion that this partner does not like sex. Either way, how do you put a number on something like this, and more importantly who are they to judge?

Women also think the magic number of previous partners for men is 7. For a man who is 25, I can see the how this number is probably fair game. If the man is 40, I’m not so sure.

I think I can speak for most people in the lifestyle when I say that the number 7 made me laugh out loud when I heard it. Most real swingers who spend every weekend (and for some 1 or more nights a week) in a lifestyle venue of some sort, would probably agree that they hit that magic number often; some after a few weeks, others after a few months.

Does this make all the women in the lifestyle a bunch of sluts?  Probably to those who choose not to be in the lifestyle. What about the men? I imagine they would simply call the men in the lifestyle “lucky”. For those who are in the lifestyle, I sincerely doubt they care. They are usually both very happy in their relationship with their significant other and with their decision to swing. I suppose if any of us find ourselves single and being asked our “number,” we have two choices: lie or look for another swinger!

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Hugh Hefner; should we call him the “Father of Swing”?

Hugh Hefner with 3 beatuiful blonde women
Photo: yayimages.com / ImageCollect

 

“If you don’t swing, don’t ring”

Hugh Hefner played a large part in shaping society as we know it today. With the launch of Playboy magazine in 1953, he opened America’s eyes not just to the beauty of naked women, but he started a conversation about sex and sexuality.

I can remember finding Playboy magazines in my brother’s room when I was in middle school. He hid them underneath his bed and as soon as he was out, I would flip through them. I couldn’t understand why he was hiding them so one day I bravely pulled pages of the naked girls out of the magazine and pinned them onto his bulletin board. He was shocked (and pissed) when he walked into his bedroom. My mother came in to see what the fuss was all about. She shrugged her shoulders and told him it added some character to his room. He left them on the board for as long as I can remember.

Hugh Hefner did what others thought about. He lived an extraordinary life which exuded sexuality. He did not apologize for opening people’s minds up about sex. If swingers have someone to thank, it is clearly Hugh Hefner. Without him, we would not be where we are today. He allowed people to talk and think about sex. He dated multiple women at the same time and nobody was hiding this fact. It was his life and he lived it as he chose.

I often hear that people think Hugh Hefner was exploiting women but I find that reprehensible. Why do people blame him for the way some women choose to live their lives? He offered them something and it was their to decision to be a part of it or not. Why is it that every time a woman is sexy or sexual it is always said it must be to please a man? I will be the first to say that when I want to look sexy, it is for me. It is how I choose to look or act. Please don’t blame the men in my life for something they have no control over!

Hugh Hefner paved the road for others to seek out the lifestyle that he lived. His extravagant parties at the Playboy Mansion with beautiful, sexy women. What fun they must have had! They always looked like the ultimate swinger parties! How I wish we could have attended one. Would it disturb me to see all those beautiful Playboy Playmates running around in their skimpy bikinis and bunny ears? No! Why would it? The women were all doing this at their free will. If it was something that was against them, they should not have been there at all.

It is not surprising that Hugh Hefner’s name sparks controversy primarily amongst women. Some see him as the anti-feminist; a man who spent his life exploiting women, squeezing them into their tight corsets with little white cotton tails and bunny ears atop their heads, all to appease a group of chauvinistic men. Many women feel his need to constantly surround himself with young, perfectly proportioned blondes was arrogant and pathetic. Marrying women 30 years his junior only fueled the fire. My question remains: who was he hurting? Women who could not live up to his standards of beautiful or sexy? Women who insist on being recognized and applauded for their accomplishments in their field of work, and not their physical bodies? Hefner was quick to point out that he treated women as “sexual beings” and not “sexual objects.” This is where I think Hefner was actually helping women to accept their sexuality. To be open to the notion of enjoying sex.

Personally, I will always see Hugh Hefner as a visionary, a pioneer in the sexual liberation of both men and women. He did not hide from the controversies that surrounded his lifestyle choices. The original Playboy Mansion even had a doorplate that read, Si Non Oscillas, Noli Tintinnare “If you don’t swing, don’t ring.”
Hugh Hefner might have been the most open swinger of our time. Hopefully, we can pick up the ball and keep running with it. Swingers have come a long way, but they are not at the finish line just yet. RIP Hef.

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