Sex and aging; did I just meet a bunch of swingers in an assisted living facility?

Seniors laughing about sex wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

Is sex something only enjoyed by the young? Every swinger I know would say this is completely untrue.  Here I discovered how wrong this statement actually is. 

I recently went to visit a relative of mine who lives in an assisted living facility.  I’m sure you have seen one.  It houses mostly elderly people who live in their own apartments.  They generally eat their meals and spend their days downstairs in a common area.  Many people use walkers and many have oxygen tanks, which they push in front of them.  The concept is wonderful as it offers people a variety of daily activities to keep them busy and entertained.  

It was my first visit to this place and she gave me the grand tour.  She showed me the card room, the bowling alley, the shuffle board area, the movie theater, etc.  The place was quite impressive and I remarked how she must love all it has to offer.  Although she said she enjoys some activities, she mentioned that she really loves to swim more than anything else.  This place has a pool so it seemed logical that she would spend her time there.  When I asked if she swam often, she told me she does not.  Apparently there is an issue with the pool…

What she told me next I found a bit shocking.  Swimming would be wonderful if “Dave” were not always hanging around the pool.  It seems she and “Dave” had a brief fling in the past.  “For me it was just sex, but he was hoping for more.”  It is important to note that this woman is 92 and “Dave” is in his late 80s.  The conversation at this point turned to what really happens here at this facility. 

We generally do not think in terms of elderly people in sexual terms, but it seems that we are all mistaken.  At first I thought perhaps my great aunt was different.  I considered that maybe my high sex drive is genetically linked to this woman.  Evidently, sex amongst the residents of this complex is rampant.  As we walked into the dining room, my great aunt pointed to different people and gave me a brief synopsis of each person’s sexual past.  If what she was telling me was accurate, swinger’s should look forward to their futures!  They will no longer have to drive to a swing club at night!  This place was a 24 hour party!

Of course there was no hint of any gang bangs or threesomes, but she did point out one man who liked to fondle women without their permission.  When I asked if the administration has tolerance for this type of behavior she was quick to tell me no.  This man is on probation and will be asked to move if there are any more complaints against him.  

It seems there is quite a bit of activity that goes on at night behind closed apartment doors.  There are many established “couples” but there are also residents with a reputation for availability for an evening of fun.  Mind you, some of these people are in their mid nineties.  I did ask at one point if sex is still enjoyable and my aunt was quick to tell me yes.  It seems these gentlemen have access to Viagra (compliments of Medicare) and they are not shy to pop them into their mouths in full view during dinner time.  Night life here begins around 7:00, most like to be in bed by 10:00 pm.  

The second glass of wine they served with lunch gave me the nerve to ask about the act itself.  My aunt explained that sex changes simply because many people are not able to physically accomplish what they could do in the past.  Sex was more stimulating each other, intercourse was rare.  The younger men were very popular with the more sexually active older women simply because they could still have intercourse.  

I asked if she thought most of the residents were actually still having sex and my aunt could not answer.  She believes that this dining room was somewhat like high school all over again.  There were groups of friends, some more popular than others.  Some people always sat alone and the same groups always congregated to the same tables.  Her group was outgoing, flirtatious and drinking a lot of wine.  Some other tables acted similarly, but most seemed quiet and reserved.  Once you were a part of a “group,” you did not get to know the other residents very well.  If they were all doing what those in her group were doing, then yes, everyone was having sex.  

After lunch I said my goodbyes and left.  Who knew that a trip to this assisted living facility would uncover a twenty-first century Peyton’s Place?  Behind the doors of this seemingly innocent home for the elderly, is a community of residents craving the same physical attention as their younger counterparts.  What most of us see when we visit a place such as this are their walkers and oxygen tanks.  Most people don’t stop to consider that although their bodies have aged, their needs have not. 

What I wondered most when I left was whether the sex was a physical need or an emotional one.  Are elderly people craving the physical closeness of another or did they truly retain their sex drives?  From what I was told, it was simply a sexual desire.  It explained why my aunt does not want to swim any more.  She was not interested in a relationship, just still enjoyed the sex.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think my visit would turn into a lesson on sex and the elderly!

To be honest, when I thought about her group of friends at lunch, there was something familiar about their camaraderie.   Obviously, she does not know I am in the lifestyle but something told me that maybe she is too…

It left me wondering if perhaps I should be selling lifestyle jewelry to them.

The holidays are fast approaching!  Lifestyle jewelry makes a great gift for your lovers and friends!  It is a very popular host/hostess gift for private parties.  Click here to see the jewelry:

www.swingerjewelry.net

Swinging; how do I bring up the topic to my significant other?

Wearing Partners ID jewelry is a good way to meet others in the lifestyle.

The most common question asked of swingers seems to be, “How do I get my husband/wife/girlfriend, etc. into the lifestyle?”  There are many people out there who know about swinging and would like to swing, but don’t know how to bring up the subject.

We have gotten quite a few emails from people who actually ask us this question. I’m not sure how I became the “Dr. Ruth” of swinging but I really don’t mind trying to help.

The majority of the time, this question comes from a man, but we have had women ask us as well. The interesting part is that several of the people said the same thing. We talk about having sex with others when we are having sex and she seems really turned on by the thought.

It is always a good sign if you have a good sexual relationship and can talk about things before you bring this up. It would seem to me that when you approach the subject, it should not be in the bedroom. Many people like to fantasize to get excited but are not really prepared to act on these erotic imageries. Several men said their wives get very turned when talking about having sex with multiple men at once. The operative word here is talk. There is a good chance that she is not prepared to actually do this in real life. So how can you make this happen?

Try talking about how much you love when she/he is so turned on when the two of you have sex. You love that she likes to watch porn or to fantasize and it is amazing that the two of you can share this together. Mention that something you have always fantasized about was seeing other people have sex. Live sex, not on tv. How hot would that be?  This way you mention your desire to find a place where you can actually watch others having sex, but you are not making your partner feel that they will have to be a part of it.

Check her reaction to a suggestion such as watching live sex. Does she look at you like you are crazy or does she have a flicker of interest? If you get the ‘you’re crazy’ look, drop it and mention it again in a few days. This time maybe say you came across this swing club online or in a magazine or a newspaper. After a while, she might get used to the thought and should be willing to just go and take a look. Again, it is extremely important to let her know that you just want to see it. That is all you want. This is, the first step.

Most women I have met in the lifestyle agree that it was not their idea to enter a swing club or check out any type of lifestyle venue. It is almost always the man’s suggestion. However, I will tell you that the woman is the one who requests to return. That being said, the major obstacle for most couples, is getting your partner to walk through the front door for the first time.

The smartest approach for many men seems to be to give the woman control of the situation from the very beginning. When you are able to get her to agree to try it out for one night, encourage her to buy something new that will make her feel good. It is not important that she dress overly sexy, only that she feel good about herself. Try not to be overly eager about getting to the club or event. If you take a more casual attitude towards going, it will make her less nervous. Most important of all, is when you arrive for the evening, make sure she is your number one priority. Check to make sure she is comfortable. Make her feel special and attractive. If you walk in and start ogling all the other women, she will not like the environment from the get go. It is ok to be friendly, but let her take the lead and decide who she is comfortable talking to or not talking to. The same goes for a woman bringing a man. If you start to flirt with other people right away, your partner will feel insecure. Swinging must be about the two of you as a couple. If you leave your partner in the background during your visit, chances are, you will not be returning to any type of lifestyle event with them in the future.

The lifestyle is an amazing, exciting and warm environment. There is no real reason why anyone would not enjoy it, as long as it is approached the right way. The number one problem that couples seem to have, which stops them from ever getting comfortable in the lifestyle, is jealousy. Nobody enjoys feeling insecure or left out. If you do not make it a priority to see to it that your partner is comfortable, they will not want to put themselves in this situation again, and who can blame them?

When you are new to swining, it is very important to take your time. Do not enter the lifestyle and think you should swing right away. It is more important to get adjusted to the situation before you take the plunge. Make sure that when you think you are both ready to take the next step, you have discussed it and know what you are both comfortable with. Always make sure to notice if your significant other is ok if you do swap with another couple.

At the end of any night together it is a good idea to talk about the experience to make sure she/he was happy and comfortable with what happened. As long as you keep the lines of communication open from the start, you should have no trouble joining the lifestyle and making it a smooth transition. Swinging should be something wonderful for both members of a couple. It cannot work if one person is dragging the other person into it against their will.

Good luck and keep us posted!!

A unicorn explains why she is in the lifestyle and what she is looking for.

 

 

 

Unicorn wearing Partners ID jewelry
Unicorn wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This blog was written for Partners ID by Kennedy M., a single woman in the lifestyle.

Most swingers prefer to keep the fact that they are in the lifestyle to themselves.  At times it can be challenging, especially when we find ourselves in situations that are hard to explain.  Imagine how hard it would be for vanilla people to wrap their minds around a unicorn!

Not long ago, while taking notes in a board room for an important client, I received an email with a subject line that said it was an important message from Joe (a close friend’s name).  I was busy and did not look at the return email address.  As soon as we took a break for a few minutes I scrolled down and clicked on it.  To my surprise there was a close up picture of a black man’s dick.  Before I could click delete, a male coworker was standing behind my chair asking if that was my new boyfriend.

When I am not blogging about my lifestyle experiences I have a job that is quite vanilla; complete with meetings in board rooms and client lunches.  For obvious reasons, I do not discuss my private life where I work.  When colleagues ask what I did over the weekend, I usually tell them, “The usual; a movie, some dinner” etc.  The company I work for would be horrified if they really knew how I spend my weekends.

I am a unicorn, a single girl in the swinger lifestyle, for those who do not know the term.

When I started swinging, I was not alone.  My boyfriend and I spent at least two night each week in our local swing club.   I was very much in love with my boyfriend and was heart broken when he ended it with little explanation.

I am not soured by this nor do I hate men.  Right now, I am wary of putting my heart out there again in fear that I will find myself in the same situation.

When I was finally ready to go back out after the breakup, I returned to a place where I felt very comfortable in the past.  My former boyfriend and I were swing club rats and spent at least two nights a week in our local establishment.  We had a nice circle of lifestyle friends, many of whom had reached out to me after the break up.

My first night out alone was a little bit scary.  Naturally, I was unsure how I would be received by some of the women.  Although I knew I was not looking to intrude on anyone’s relationship, would other people know that?  I had never really known any unicorns but had heard some women speaking poorly of them in the past.  The last thing I wanted was for people to think I had some ulterior motives for spending time in a swing club.

For the most part, the women were happy to see me and welcomed me with open arms.  One or two seemed a bit uncomfortable with all the attention the men lavished upon me (which I in no way sought out but as most unicorns will admit, it is hard to avoid).

The first few times I went to the club I felt a little awkward.  I needed people to make me feel like I belonged there.  It didn’t take long for couples (some I knew, some I did not) to ask me to join them in the back room.  After a period of time I started receiving invitations to parties.  Then men started asking me to accompany them to the club when their wives were out of town.   Although I do know other unicorns who have no problem with this, I have always declined the offers.   Whereas I knew why I was there, I wasn’t sure others understood why I chose to make a swing club my night life of choice.  It was hurtful when I overheard women asking each other what exactly I was looking for.

I will tell you “what I was, and still am, looking for.”  I love to dance, I love to dress sexy and I love to have fun.  I like to meet new people and I love to have sex; both with men and with women.  I like the comfort and the warmth of the lifestyle.  It’s a great place to go to as you do not need a date, or to make plans with others.  You just show up and hang with the people who are there.  You can spend an amazing night, have great sex and kiss the other people goodnight.  I can go home and sleep alone in my bed.  Nobody to answer to.  I can stay until 12 midnight or go home at 4am.  I can do what I want with no strings attached.

If I am looking for some one on one time, there are always single guys who are more than willing to spend the evening with a unicorn.  The best part is, I do not have to be alone with them.  We can choose a private room to play but I am not in a scary situation with a stranger.  If I want to be with a couple, no problem.  If I want a gang bang, that’s my choice.  The best part for me is that I leave alone.

I am not looking for a boyfriend, husband or anything else; just a good time.  That’s it, that’s all.  Obviously I cannot speak for every unicorn as we are all individuals.  Over time I have gotten to know a few who spend time in this swing club. We are definitely not all on the same page.  Personally, I will not go into the back room with someone else’s husband if she is not in the club to approve.  Most of the other girls have no problem with that.

I  will not date a married man with or without the wife’s permission.  I will only play with someone’s husband if she is present, but even then, I prefer to make it a threesome.  Most unicorns I have met don’t really have any rules.  They are out for themselves and offer no apologies for what they do.  They prefer to be alone for a variety of reasons and although they love the attention they get in the clubs, for the most part, they are not looking for anything more than a good time.

I have tried to imagine how I would feel if there was a unicorn around when my boyfriend and I were together at the club.  We did not really know of any at that time so it is hard to say.  If unicorns are respectful of other’s relationships then there should never be a problem.  I would suggest making sure that if you choose this route you pay a lot of attention to the women.  If you are flirting with their husband and ignoring them, this will be a problem for sure.  Since you have no one to offer to them, you must flirt with them as a couple.  Always try to put yourself in the woman’s shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if the situation were reversed.

Unicorns are a great addition to the lifestyle if they understand the rules of the game.  Some think they are the stars of the club because they get a lot of attention.  Perhaps it would be better to just think of yourself as another component to the lifestyle.  Although we bring an added element to the lifestyle, the lifestyle could easily exist without us.

Nobody ever asks what single men are looking for in the club.  Why the double standard?  It seems a question I hear often regarding unicorns.   Perhaps it would surprise people to hear that I am looking for sex just like they are.  It just so happens tothat I prefer the no strings attached variety.  I don’t want you to call me in the morning.  Really, I don’t.  More often that not, I also don’t want to play with you again.  It was fun once but I am not looking to repeat the experience regardless of how awesome it might have been.  I am not looking for you to cuddle with me or tell me how beautiful I am.  Please do not tell me about your problems and I will not bother you with mine.  The truth is, I don’t really care, I just want to enjoy my night out.

I do like to try new things and am very open minded.  Sometimes that seems to make some women feel  a little threatened.  I am not a slut or a whore because I am a sexual person.  When I was in a relationship I did not feel as free to explore things as I do now.  Perhaps that is why it is hard for you to relate, but that doesn’t really give you the right to judge.

People have asked me many times why I am not out looking for someone of my own.  It is a valid question but again, I am enjoying being by myself.  When I am ready to be in a relationship, I can assure you I will not be fishing for someone in a swing club.  Perhaps one day I will meet a nice single guy at a lifestyle event but who knows.  For now, I am very happy to be a unicorn and have no plans to change that any time soon.

 

Packing for Naughty in Nawlins? Don’t forget your lifestyle jewelry!

Well, it’s July and swingers know what that means!  It’s time for the biggest lifestyle event all year:  Naughty in Nawlins.  This event attracts pretty much all of the well known movers and shakers in the industry plus thousands of swingers looking to have a good time.  

The Lifestyle Awards take place during this event and that brings people from all over the world to witness and take part in.  The lifestyle  awards shine a spotlight on people who are working hard to make sure the lifestyle is understood and respected.

So what does this have to do with lifestyle jewelry, after all, everyone who attends is certainly a swinger!  This is true in terms of people who attend the parties and the vast majority of those people who are staying at the host hotel, but not quite in the city itself.

Naughty in Nawlins is a bit different from some of the other lifestyle events in that people spread out around the city to find their own adventures.  Now, you realize that not everyone in the city is a swinger or has any tolerance for people in the lifestyle.  So how will you be able to detect who is apart of the group?  Very simple, if you are wearing our lifestyle jewelry, it is simple for others to spot you and know you are part of the group.  

It is not uncommon to think someone is in the lifestyle by the way they act or dress but honestly, neither is a true indicator that the person is safe to approach.  When you spot someone wearing our pendant, you know with 100% certainty that you have found a swinger.

We designed the jewelry with swingers in mind.  We wanted something beautiful that could be worn on any part of your body, could be dressed up or worn when nude and would be easy to spot by others who know what to look for.  The design makes it too complicated to google the meaning so rest assured that others will never be able to investigate the meaning of the symbol.

It’s not too late to order now and have it in time for your trip!  

Stop wondering, start playing and have a great time

Check out the jewelry here: https://www.swingersjewelry.net/jewelry-for-swingers/

If you don’t see what you like, drop as an email, we custom design pieces at no additional cost.

Newsflash:  Women are sexual beings who have fantasies and desires of their own. They also love sex!

Woman who loves sex in bed wearing Partners ID lifestyle necklace
Woman who loves sex in bed wearing Partners ID lifestyle necklace

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sex is not simply something that only men enjoy.  Women get a tremendous amount of pleasure from it as well.  Why do women have such a hard time admitting this?

Why is a woman’s sexuality still such a confusing topic?  Why do so many people still believe that women are sexual simply to please men?  This stereotype still exists and casts a shadow over women who readily admit that they enjoy sex.  

Still, to this day, if a woman says she loves sex, this causes people to make assumptions about her:  She’s wild, she’s a whore, she will sleep with anyone, etc.  Where does this come from?  Why is it when men say they love sex (which they never have to say, it is always assumed) it is taken in stride?  It is normal for men to love sex but something is very wrong when a woman does. 

I can remember a conversation I had with some friends many years ago.  One woman mentioned that it was her husband’s birthday and so she gave him the obligatory blow job that morning.  It was something she was only willing to do once a year.  I was honestly in shock and blurted out, “Once a year?!  I give my husband a blow job every day!”  With that comment, all heads turned in unison to stare at me with mouthes wide open.  They all thought my husband must be some type of a monster to force me to do this.  Force me?  I explained that I loved pleasuring him and it turned me on to see him so excited.  All four women shook their heads in disbelief and the topic was dropped.  

I remember thinking that not one of them believed me when I said I enjoyed it.  Thankfully I didn’t tell them we had sex twice a day every day because I love sex.  I did wonder, after this conversation, why women had such a hard time believing that another woman could find pleasure in giving her man head.  Was I different?

The answer is, yes, I think I am different.  Different from many women simply because I am willing to admit that I love sex.  While it is certainly possible that not every woman does love it, I do believe that many more women love it than are willing to admit to it.  Why do women pretend not to love sex?  Certainly it is not always pleasurable if the person you are with is not very good at it.  There are however, toys and aids to help.  It is also a good idea to guide your partner if they are not good at understanding what you need or what feels good to you. Most men truly want to please their partner and prefer she tell him then leave him guessing.  Men also get pleasure from seeing their partner enjoying themselves and getting turned on.  If a man feels that a woman is having sex with him out of obligation, he will not enjoy it in the same way.

Many women seem a bit shy to express their desire for sex.  Let’s face it, we grew up learning that girls who love sex were dirty and easy.  They were thought to be indiscriminate in who they slept with and were willing to do anything to please a guy.  It seems nobody ever thought to ask a girl if perhaps she wanted to have sex with guys purely because she enjoyed it. 

I love sex but that does not mean that I am not particular about who I will play with.  I do not cruise around by day looking to pick up men for a quickie. I am also not a nymphomaniac.  There is nothing extraordinary about me.  I am a mother, a daughter, sister, employee, and wife who just happens to enjoy sex.  You wouldn’t be able to spot me on the street and think:  now there’s a woman who loves sex! 

The lifestyle seems to be the perfect fit for sexual women.  Swinging attracts women with all different types of sexual appetites.  It is a safe and comfortable environment for women who love to simply watch others have sex, to the opposite extreme of women who like gang bangs, and everything in between.  Nobody is there to judge, and this type of environment allows women to speak and act freely regarding their sexual desires.  It can be very liberating for women who always thought they were not normal simply because they love sex.  

Is swinging merely friends expressing their friendship sexually?

Swinger friends on the beach wearing Partners ID jewelry
Swinger friends on the beach wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

Is swinging merely friends expressing their friendship sexually?

We get a lot of emails not only our customers, but from people who are curious about swinging. We recently received an email from someone who could not understand the dynamics of swinging. Sadly, like so many people who are not in the lifestyle, they wondered if every friendship swingers enter into was ultimately with the hope of swinging.

I can hear every swinger around the world groaning, and believe me, I feel your pain. First of all, swingers are not sexual deviants disguised as normal people. (Perhaps some are, but not most.) Even when swingers go to a swing club, lifestyle resort or party, most are not open to playing with everyone at the club or event. Just like vanilla people, swingers choose to be with people that turn them on. Believe it or not, even if they find a vanilla friend or coworker attractive, they will not pursue them for sex. It simply does not work like this.

I remember my husband confiding in a close vanilla friend, years ago, that we were in the lifestyle. What do you think his first question was? He wanted to know if my husband and I had talked about having sex with he and his wife. Now this was awkward. The truth is, we had never even thought about it. They are nice people, but since they are not swingers, it never came up in conversation. Believe it or not, he seemed insulted by the answer. Who’s crazy now?

What we discovered is that although vanilla people don’t want you to hit on them, they want to believe that you would be sexually attracted to them if they were swingers. (Shaking my head.)
The second question was whether or not we had interest in anyone in our circle of vanilla friends. Again, no, we never thought about it.

Swingers will tell you that if they do not get a radar reading about another person or couple being active in the lifestyle, chance are, they are not thinking about having sex with them. That is not to say that swingers never fantasize about friends and coworkers, but that is different from contemplating hitting on them!

Back to the original question: is swinging merely friends expressing their friendship sexually?

Many swingers have lifestyle friends that they do not have sex with. They enjoy their company, as you would any vanilla friend, but they are not attracted to each other. Sometimes you are strictly sexually attracted to a couple but have nothing else in common. You play with them but do not seek them out socially. Swinging is a lot like dating. With some people you hit it off and the chemistry is right so there is sex. With others, there is no chemistry, but yet you enjoy each other’s company so perhaps remain friends. Still then, there are people with whom you have chemistry with but little else in common.

Swinging is really not such a complicated phenomenon. Perhaps the easiest way to think about swinging is like dating for couples. Dating for swingers, however, at times seems like the opposite progression from actual dating. Couples seek out other couples for sex. Sometimes you all enjoy each other’s company and a friendship is born; other times you remain acquaintances and say a quick hello when you see each other. Some couples prefer to follow the same pattern as regular dating: they like to meet couples that they have something in common with and then have sex. The problem is when you are dealing with four personalities, it can be much more complicated to find a good match where everyone is happy.
For this reason, many couples simply look for the sexual chemistry first and the friendship second.

If swinging were merely friends expressing their friendship sexually, swingers would be having sex with all of their lifestyle friends and they are not. What is different about friendships within the lifestyle is that they are sexual in nature. Swingers talk freely about sex and are not shy to be naked in front of each other. What brings them together as friends is their uninhibited attitudes.

For those of you who are asking about the lifestyle I encourage you to check it out. The worst case scenario is that it is not for you. At least this way you know what it is all about and whether or not it is something that interests you. I will say that for people who are curious enough to ask about it, chances are the lifestyle is something you will enjoy!

Why the swinger lifestyle is good for you. Yes, I mean you!

Who knew that entering the lifestyle would have such an impact on my life?  Like many women, I was not the one who initiated the conversation regarding swing clubs.  To be fair, really, neither was my husband.  It was a stripper at a strip club and that should tell you something about us right away!  Why were we so chummy with the stripper in the first place?  The answer is that we were regulars for a few years.  She observed that I never looked happy to be in the strip club and she took a guess that I was there for my husband.  “Why not take your wife to a swing club” she asked one night.  I had never heard of a swing club and had no idea what it was.  A few weeks later, for my husband’s birthday I surprised him and said I wanted to check out a swing club.  I did not have to ask twice.
I have never been overly confident and having been married for 19 years, I never really thought about flirting with other men.  Sure, men were flirting with me all along but I chose to dismiss it and pretend not to notice.  That’s not to say I didn’t find men attractive or find myself at times attracted to other men, I did, but I never acted on it and tried my best to avoid them.
That was a long time ago as I have been in the lifestyle for about 10 years.  The lifestyle has taught me so much about myself and has given me a tremendous amount of confidence.  What I have learned since the beginning would have been very helpful to know as a 20 year old.  I’m not talking about sex, I’m talking about people and attitudes and friendliness and being open to both experiences and people.  It would be no problem today for me to walk into a bar by myself and make friends with little effort amongst a group of strangers.  Ten years ago I would have waited outside until my husband arrived to go into the bar with him.  Today, he would find me sitting at the bar with a drink in my hand chatting with the people around me.  If I were single, and there was an attractive man at the bar, I would think nothing of walking over and striking up a conversation.  Being single does not frighten me in the least.  Many married “vanilla” friends talk about how they would be totally lost without their spouse and would have no idea how to get back out and date.  They would be terrified by the thought of having to navigate a new relationship.  I sincerely doubt that the majority of people in the lifestyle would feel this way.  We are used to flirting and mingling and talking to total strangers.
It has also taught me about my body and that you do not have to be perfect to be attractive.  It has taught me that what I once thought made a person attractive is not necessarily universal.  When we first entered the lifestyle I imagined the most attractive women with the hottest bodies would be the most sought after by all the men in the club.  What I discovered is that beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder and what is attractive to one person is not necessarily attractive to another.  As a society I feel that magazines, movies and tv regularly make us believe that only the tall, slim, busty girls with perfect hair are what men are looking for, when in reality, men are all different with very different taste and very different ideas of what makes a woman attractive.  Same for women; what attracts one woman is vastly different from what attracts another.
I learned that it is ok to love sex!  When women love sex, they tend to think they must be a slut.  I thought my interest in playing with different guys when I was younger was wrong.  Friends used to ask,  “How many guys
have you slept with?”   When they were in their 20s and told me they had slept with only 5 men I would think OMG, I can never tell anyone the truth!  I never thought to count; I just knew I loved having sex!  The lifestyle taught me that there is nothing wrong with that.  It also has taught me to learn to express what I like in bed.  Most people prefer to know what the person they play with likes.
The lifestyle has taught me that we are only as “old” as we allow ourselves to be.  Many people believe that people over 50 should spend their evenings at restaurants or movies and be home by 11.  What else is there for them to do?  Nightclubs almost predominantly cater to people in their 20s and 30s.  Most people I know who are over 40 years old have no interest in spending an evening at a night club with younger people.  They feel uncomfortable dressing too sexy, they might not enjoy the same music, or how loud it is, and dancing next to someone who is so much younger than yourself can be awkward.  They look at you and wonder what you are doing there.  In a swing club, you get the same night club atmosphere where people are there to have a good time regardless of their age and nobody is judging you.  The freedom in a swing club is very liberating.  To be able to be yourself and show your sexuality as you please is fabulous.  Staying out until 3:00 in the morning on weekends makes you feel young again.  It is impossible to imagine going back to that ‘old person’ mentality after experiencing time in the lifestyle.
The people you meet in the lifestyle are so much different from people you will meet anyplace else.  The conversations are real and nothing is off limits.  I find our conversations with vanilla friends tend to be about our children and our jobs but with lifestyle friends it is about vacation experiences, parties, sex and lifestyle events.  We talk about sex because it is normal and not taboo.   Try talking to your vanilla friends about sex and watch them blush and look at you like you are perverse.
The lifestyle has made me feel alive!  I look forward to any time we spend in any lifestyle venue.  When we embarked upon creating the lifestyle jewelry it was an extension of our love for the whole environment and the people in it.  We are dedicated to continuing to try to make it easier for those of us in the lifestyle to find each other!  Party on people!

Body language is a clear indicator of a person’s interest and happiness. How to tune in…

 

Woman with negative body language staring at her husband wearing Partners ID jewelry
Woman with negative body language staring at her husband wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

Women pride themselves on having the ability to communicate without having to say a word.  They feel confident that they can both read body language and convey their feelings through it.  The problem is that men are not always able to read these signals.  Sometimes the situation can be reversed.  It is important to pay attention to what your partner is trying to tell you when it is not possible to say something out loud.  Some couples have code words while others have invented special signals to let their significant other know when they are ok or not with a situation.  What happens when you are in a situation and one person is definitely not happy but the partner seems not to notice?

In a swing club last night there were two couples sitting next to each other by the dance floor.  The women were perched on stools and the men were standing behind them.  The men were engaged in conversation, laughing and having a good time but the women were clearly not clicking.  One woman was attempting to make conversation with the other but she was totally ignoring her, never moving her eyes from the dance floor.  You could see by their body language that they were not getting along.  The men seemed oblivious to the fact that they were clearly wasting their time.  At one point, one of the men left for the restroom and the other man immediately turned his attention to the other man’s wife, who was sitting in front of him.  His partner seemed eager to get his attention but he was focusing on the other woman.  Big mistake!  When she realized he was completely blind to her feelings (which were obvious to me from across the room), she jumped off the stool and walked away without a word.  The man was left standing there unsure of whether to remain talking to this other woman or to follow his girlfriend.  Eventually the first man returned and he left to find his partner.  I lost track of them but suspect the night did not end well for this couple.

How could this have played out differently?  Perhaps if he had been paying attention to her body language he would have observed (as I did) that the women were not compatible.  Without this dynamic, nothing can happen between the couples.  Communication is always a priority if couples are going to be successful in the lifestyle but in this case, it was more about simply paying attention to his significant other.

Let’s face it, it is not logical to imagine that people are always going to like each other and click simply because their spouse wants it that way.  Women, especially, can be a little more complicated when it comes to jelling with one another and this is something men must consider if their night is going to run smoothly!  Imagine had the men tried to coerce those two women into a rendezvous in the backroom together!  That would have been a nightmare before, during and after.

There are times when a couple might enter a lifestyle event but one of the couple isn’t really “feeling it.”  They try to go along and have a good time but ultimately they are looking forward to simply playing with their own partner that night.  Honestly, if your partner really knows you well, they will see it.  The majority of the time, our body langauge speaks volumes without you having to explain it.  If your partner is not tuned into you it can be a mess.

Swingers, perhaps more than any other type of couple, must be tuned in to their partners at all times if they want to have success when in a lifestyle environment.  Couples are there to meet others, and for many couples it is with the intent to find another couple to swing with for that night.  When you are engaged in a conversation with another couple, make sure you pay attention to the signals your partner might be trying to send you as it isn’t always possible to talk freely at this point.  If he/she is actively engaged in conversation and smiling easily, chances are they are interested.  If they are looking away or turning their body away from the group, chances are this means no, not a good fit.  If your partner is grabbing onto your arm or pulling you towards them, you might want to consider that they are not interested.

The same goes for couples approaching you on a dance floor.  Sometimes the man will turn his wife around to dance facing you.  Are they expressing interest?  Probably, but the choice is yours if you are open to getting closer to them.  If they do not interest you, you can simply dance away from them.  It is probably never a good idea to push your partner toward someone else without knowing that they have some interest.

What about when you are in the play area?  A couple is next to you and starts to touch you while you are with your partner.  How can you know if your partner would like to play with the other?  These are times that verbal cues that the two of you have discussed ahead of time come in very handy!  If you have not thought of this (perhaps you should), again, look at your partner.  Do they appear interested in switching?  If they continue to play with you and make no move to join the other couple, perhaps you should take that as a sign that they are not interested.  The last thing you want is to put your partner in a situation that they do not want to be in.  Body language in a situation like this is usally a very good indicator of interest or not.  If your significant other pulls you close or they close off their body with their arms, it should let you know that they are not interested!  If they turn towards this couple with outstretched arms, that is a good sign!

Swinging should be enjoyable and easy for both the man and woman of the couple.  If your partner is not paying attention to you and what you are trying to convey to them, things probably will not end well for that night.  One of the problems in the lifestyle is that when you are constantly surrounded by and approached by other couples, communicating freely can be a challenge.  Women must remember that if they want their husband or boyfriend to know exactly how they are feeling, they must make it a point to convey this to them.  If you already know that your man is not very good reading nonverbal cues, don’t expect him to know what you are trying to say if you don’t speak up.

The best course of action for any couple is to try to consider each situation and decide if it looks like your signifiacnt other is interested in the same thing as you.  You might be attracted to the male part of a couple but either  ask your man or observe him to see if he looks happy.  Same thing for your wife.  If she is clearly unhappy with a situation, walk away.  If you are a couple, you should expect to put each other first.  It is probably a good rule of thumb to always stop and think about how you would feel if the situation were reversed.  What is good for one should be good for the other.

Is a key party just a more polite way of saying swinger party?

Friends at a key party wearing Partners ID jewelry
Friends at a key party wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

Key party?  What on earth is a key party?!

Believe it or not, the subject of swinging was brought up recently by my mother; yes, my mother. The funny thing is, this isn’t the first time.

I can remember when I was in my late teens, we bumped into a woman who lived down the street. The woman kissed my mother on both cheeks (which I found very odd since this woman was born and raised in NY) and admonished my mother for not joining them at their last party. “We have been dying to get you and Dan to come to our parties! Trust me darling, you will love them!”

I thought it was odd that this woman spoke about parties as though they were a regular occurrence at her home and I thought it more odd that my parents were invited and were declining the invitation(s).

As we walked away I asked my mother why she didn’t want to go to this woman’s parties. She turned and looked at me as if to decide if I were old enough to hear her answer. Apparently she thought I was, so she told me that this woman and her husband were throwing key parties once a month at their home. Key parties? I searched my brain for a possible explanation for what a key party could possibly mean but I came up blank. I looked at her and shook my head to show her I had no idea what that meant.

“A key party is where you go to someone’s home and at the end of the night you all throw your house keys into a pile. Each woman picks a key and goes home to spend the night with the man who owns that house key.” I can remember trying to wrap my head around what she had just explained to me but there was no part of me that could make any sense of this. I had so many questions but I chose to continue with the most pressing:

“What if you pick a key and don’t the like the man it belongs to,” I asked. “Exactly the reason I would never want to participate in a key party” my mother explained.

So you randomly pick a key and that’s what decides who you go home with?!

That didn’t help my head to understand this whole thing. My mother’s answer confused me as much as her explanation of the party! I couldn’t help but think that she would be ok with the whole thing if she could choose the man with whom she would spend the night.

Is this what adults did? How come I had never heard about this before? Neighbors were sleeping with neighbors? The woman who was throwing these parties had a son who was a good friend of mine. Did he know about these parties? What did he think? Who else was going to these parties? I had so many questions! When I tried to bring up the subject of these alleged key parties of few days later with my mother, she simply said she was joking. She said that was what she had heard but didn’t really know if there was any truth to it. That was the last time we talked about it. Obviously, it was a conversation I never forgot.

Fast forward to yesterday. I am no longer in my late teens so perhaps now I am really old enough to hear the truth.

“Someone told your father that there is a whole group of younger people where we live that are swapping wives,” my mother reported. “Your father seemed shocked but I reminded him that way back when, everyone at our country club up north was doing the same thing.”

I asked if she was referring to those infamous key parties she had once mentioned. “Oh, no, this is something different. For years, many couples at the club were sleeping with each other. Everyone knew about it.”

Everyone but me…

Before I had the chance to ask, she named a few couples that did not surprise me to hear about, but did not include herself and my father. I didn’t ask and she didn’t say anything more. Although I can’t say for sure, I don’t think they were swingers. Maybe I am wrong, but since she knows a small bit about my lifestyle (kind of a don’t ask don’t tell type thing), she certainly knows I am open to swinging.

Does every adult get invited to a key party?

When I was newly married and had moved with my husband to a new state, I remember hearing about a key club in a nearby community. I was shocked to hear mention of this “key party” thing again. I was once again curious as to whether this was something common amongst married couples. Eventually, someone did approach us about attending one of their parties but we declined. When we had young children and were relatively newly married, it was as far off my radar as could be. I couldn’t in a million years imagine ever wanting any part of that.

Obviously, over time, we changed, but it was when the time was right for us. We also never took part in a “key party” for the same reason my mother claimed she did not. If I were going to play with someone else, I didn’t want to leave it to chance. I wanted to choose the person who would be good for me and I wanted to do it with my husband right there.

Maybe swinging is just not that uncommon…

The thing that interests me the most is not the history of the key party, but rather that they seem to be relatively common. When my mother mentioned this latest discovery about the young group where they live having sex with each other, my fist inclination was to say that it seems swinging is much more common than even I had realized. She looked at me funny and said, “Who said they are swingers?”

This always brings me back to the same question: Are married people having sex with friends but not referring to this as swinging? Are “key parties” not swinger parties? In my book, married couples who are having sex with other married couples are swingers. From what I am realizing, it is actually very common and it seems to be very wide spread.

It seems people don’t like to be labeled. This is not something new either. Perhaps if we found another way to refer to swingers more people would want in. Maybe we can just call swingers fun couples. I would bet that if that was the term to replace swingers, more people would admit to their open minded ways. After all, who doesn’t want to be a fun couple?

Condoms: are they a must when swinging or are some playing bareback?

Questioning whether couples must wear condoms: Woman thumbs up, man thumbs down. Both wearing Partners ID jewelry.
Questioning whether couples must wear condoms: Woman thumbs up, man thumbs down. Both wearing Partners ID jewelry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Condoms are not a new invention.  They have been around for a long time and most people over the age of 13 are pretty aware of their existance.  What many people do not know, is that the only condoms which protect against STDs are made of latex or plastic.  Lambskin and other animal products do not protect you from STDs, only pregnancy.  Surprisingly, many people only associate condoms with being a form of birth control, yet they are equally as important in protecting men and women from contracting sexually transmitted diseases.   With such easy access to condoms you would expect that everyone who is not in a comitted relationship would use them when having sex.  Apparently this is not the case for many people, both young and old.

We all know that swingers are open to having sex with people outside of their core relationships.  They frequently swap with other couples or find single men or women to join them for threesomes (or more).  Often times, people who swing, have sex with complete strangers or people they don’t know very well.  There are some swingers who prefer to play only with people they are very friendly with or have known for a long time.

My question is:  do we know anyone well enough to honestly know whether or not they might have a STD or worse?  Even if they tell you they are clean, does this mean that they are?  How about if they get tested once a year and show you their test results?  Does this mean that one month later, they are still STD free?  Who could possibly know this?

So we all know that it is honestly not possible to know for sure that someone is disease free even after they have been tested if they have played only one time.  That’s all it takes, one time to become infected with something.  This would make one think that with this kind of risk, condoms would be the rule, right?   Apparently this is not the case.

Recently on Facebook, someone tossed out a question for others to respond to.  The question was “condoms or not?” This person is a facebook friend of mine and the facebooker in question is in the lifestyle.  I was planning to ignore the question and continue scrolling down my page when I noticed there were 54 comments.  Really?  54 people needed to have the same response?  I scrolled back up to glance at the first few and to my absolute shock, the answers were as diverse as a bipartisan discussion about gun control!   It seems to me that when we stopped being bombarded with news regarding AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases, people slowly went back to old habits thinking that these diseases were a problem of the past.

People were very passionate about their answers but clearly there was a huge divide.  Really?  In 2017 we are still questioning whether or not we must use protection when having sex with strangers?!  Oddly enough, some of their reasons for not using condoms made sense in the context in which they presented their arguments.  It stands to reason, they explained, that if you are comfortable enough doing everything but having intercourse with someone without protection, why draw the line there?  It’s not a crazy argument.  People will go down on girls and give guys a blow job without considering the need for protection.  They lick each other and kiss each other and touch each other with no problem.  I’ve seen guys cum in girls mouthes and girls cum in guys mouthes and honestly, you know what?  That’s not much safer, STDs can still be transmitted orally, it’s just not as risky.
Personally, I will not have sex with a friend or a stranger without a condom, but now I understand why, more often than not, I have to prompt the guy I am with to wear a condom.  It always surprises me that men would want to have sex without a condom.  Some of these men have never met me before so why would they just assume it’s safe?  Especially in the lifestyle, where people are frequently having sex with different people.  Why would you feel confident about them being free of diseases?
It could be part of the culture of people who are drawn to the lifestyle.  By nature, most swingers are risk takers.  Many ride motorcycles, some experiment with drugs, drive fast cars and are in occupations such as firefighters, EMTs, doctors, lawyers, stock brokers, etc.  Many are self proclaimed adrenalin junkies.  This makes it easier to understand why swingers might be more inclined to take risks.
Although there are swingers who are hoping to play “bareback”, not every swinger is willing to play without a condom.  Personally, in my own experience, more often than not, swingers are not willing to have intercourse without a condom.  The majority of swingers I have come across carry a bag with condoms when they enter the playroom and insist that everyone they play with use a condom and change them if they switch partners.
 I always imagined everyone in the lifestyle would be on the same page.  At least  my husband agrees with me, no condom, no sex.  For us, that will never change…