Swinging seems to be so easy for some couples. What is their secret for success?

Smiling couple holding hands
Smiling couple holding hands


Swinging is an art that must be mastered.  Not every couple has an easy time navigating the ups and downs of the lifestyle.

Have you ever noticed that some couples seem so happy in the lifestyle?  They arrive at lifestyle events holding hands and they leave with a big smile on their faces.  What is their secret?

Swinging seems to be so easy for some couples. What is their recipe for success?

The most successful swingers are the ones with the best communication. They talk before, during and after every encounter they have. Swingers who are open and honest about how they feel get the most out of the lifestyle. That is not to say that they never have any issues when they swing; they do, the difference is they talk about it right away to clear things up for the next time.

What happens when you are not totally open with your significant other?

Some people say that they are shy and have a hard time telling their partner what works and what doesn’t when swinging. They don’t want to cause friction or upset their partner so they just go along. How’s that working for you?

As with any other aspect of a relationship, if you are not honest, your partner won’t know what is expected of him or her. If something your partner does bothers you, you must talk about it or you can’t expect it to change. It is also unfair to continually feel upset by behavior that you have not said bothers you. If, for example, it upsets you to see your significant other passionately kiss his playmates, but you have never told them, how can they know?

Sometimes things can go wrong right from the start.

Some people are natural extroverts. They walk into a room, a club, a party and they feel comfortable enough to talk with anyone. They are charming and usually quick to compliment others and put them at ease. Others are not so confident and require more time to warm up.
The shy person usually wants their partner to stay close by and include them in conversations. If the extrovert is not made aware of this, they will move about imagining their partner is fine on their own. This type of scenario is not going to leave the quieter person feeling very good about the situation right from the get go.

When things start off on the wrong foot, they tend to go from bad to worse.

If the evening starts off leaving one person feeling left out, this could be trouble. When one partner starts to connect or flirt with someone and their partner is not involved, don’t expect the one who is left out to cheer you on. If a couple is there to swap, it would be wise to discuss ahead of time if your intentions are to swap with another couple together, or if each person will be expected to fend for themselves. When one person decides to play, while the other is not connecting with anyone, how can you expect that person to be happy. This was something that should have been decided ahead of time. If someone does find themselves in this situation, it would be a good idea to talk about it after the fact, so it does not happen in the future.

What types of things might bother swingers that should be talked about?

Making love with your partner is something special between the two of you. What happens when you feel that your partner is “too much” with someone when they play? When your partner passionately kisses and locks eyes with someone else while in missionary position, does that bother you? When they lovingly play with someone’s hair after sex, does that feel too intimate? Does your partner do things when playing with someone else that you wish they would do with you? Does your partner encourage people to touch you without consenting you? Do they ever engage in sex with another couple and you are left to watch? If any of these things ring true, you must talk about it if you intend to continue in the lifestyle. Everyone’s feelings are valid. Even if you think your partner is over reacting or making something out of nothing, the problem must be discussed in order to avoid disaster.

Swinging does not come with a manual, so couples just wing it as they go.

It is true that swinging does not come with a manual, but it does require basic common sense. If most lifestyle excursions result in one person feeling hurt or confused, it is time to sit down and talk openly about what is happening. It is not ok to let it roll off your back until the next time. Nothing will change if you don’t set guidelines. If it bothers you when you partner dances with someone else and leaves you alone at the bar, speak up. If your partner spends hours talking with other couples in hopes of playing with them yet never looks to see if you’re on board, tell them. Does your partner flirt with every person they come into contact with? That’s great, unless it bothers you.

It is important to be crystal clear about what is ok and what is not.

Does your partner constantly make all the decisions when you swing? Couples must make joint decisions regarding the lifestyle if both are to be happy. If one partner calls all the shots, how can the other person be happy? Who you swing with, when you swing and where you swing should be something couples decide together. If your partner is not asking you what works for you, that is not a good sign. You must let your partner know what is ok and what is not.

Happy couples are couples who are on the same page.

If couples want to enjoy the lifestyle together, they must talk openly about swinging. Don’t expect your partner to know how you feel if you don’t tell them. If you have an open dialogue about where you are going and how you will swing, there are no surprises. If you communicate your feelings regarding single men and women, swinging side by side or in separate rooms, swinging with couples, etc., both of you will know what to expect.

Swinging can be a wonderful thing, but it can also be a very difficult thing to navigate. For couples who are completely open and honest with each other, their chances of success in the lifestyle are very high. If, however, you continue to expect your partner to read your mind and instinctively know how you are feeling, things will never go well. Honesty and open communication are key to enjoying the lifestyle. Once you and your partner understand what makes each other happy, and more importantly not happy, you will be able to relax and swing with confidence.