A unicorn explains why she is in the lifestyle and what she is looking for.

 

 

 

Unicorn wearing Partners ID jewelry
Unicorn wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This blog was written for Partners ID by Kennedy M., a single woman in the lifestyle.

Most swingers prefer to keep the fact that they are in the lifestyle to themselves.  At times it can be challenging, especially when we find ourselves in situations that are hard to explain.  Imagine how hard it would be for vanilla people to wrap their minds around a unicorn!

Not long ago, while taking notes in a board room for an important client, I received an email with a subject line that said it was an important message from Joe (a close friend’s name).  I was busy and did not look at the return email address.  As soon as we took a break for a few minutes I scrolled down and clicked on it.  To my surprise there was a close up picture of a black man’s dick.  Before I could click delete, a male coworker was standing behind my chair asking if that was my new boyfriend.

When I am not blogging about my lifestyle experiences I have a job that is quite vanilla; complete with meetings in board rooms and client lunches.  For obvious reasons, I do not discuss my private life where I work.  When colleagues ask what I did over the weekend, I usually tell them, “The usual; a movie, some dinner” etc.  The company I work for would be horrified if they really knew how I spend my weekends.

I am a unicorn, a single girl in the swinger lifestyle, for those who do not know the term.

When I started swinging, I was not alone.  My boyfriend and I spent at least two night each week in our local swing club.   I was very much in love with my boyfriend and was heart broken when he ended it with little explanation.

I am not soured by this nor do I hate men.  Right now, I am wary of putting my heart out there again in fear that I will find myself in the same situation.

When I was finally ready to go back out after the breakup, I returned to a place where I felt very comfortable in the past.  My former boyfriend and I were swing club rats and spent at least two nights a week in our local establishment.  We had a nice circle of lifestyle friends, many of whom had reached out to me after the break up.

My first night out alone was a little bit scary.  Naturally, I was unsure how I would be received by some of the women.  Although I knew I was not looking to intrude on anyone’s relationship, would other people know that?  I had never really known any unicorns but had heard some women speaking poorly of them in the past.  The last thing I wanted was for people to think I had some ulterior motives for spending time in a swing club.

For the most part, the women were happy to see me and welcomed me with open arms.  One or two seemed a bit uncomfortable with all the attention the men lavished upon me (which I in no way sought out but as most unicorns will admit, it is hard to avoid).

The first few times I went to the club I felt a little awkward.  I needed people to make me feel like I belonged there.  It didn’t take long for couples (some I knew, some I did not) to ask me to join them in the back room.  After a period of time I started receiving invitations to parties.  Then men started asking me to accompany them to the club when their wives were out of town.   Although I do know other unicorns who have no problem with this, I have always declined the offers.   Whereas I knew why I was there, I wasn’t sure others understood why I chose to make a swing club my night life of choice.  It was hurtful when I overheard women asking each other what exactly I was looking for.

I will tell you “what I was, and still am, looking for.”  I love to dance, I love to dress sexy and I love to have fun.  I like to meet new people and I love to have sex; both with men and with women.  I like the comfort and the warmth of the lifestyle.  It’s a great place to go to as you do not need a date, or to make plans with others.  You just show up and hang with the people who are there.  You can spend an amazing night, have great sex and kiss the other people goodnight.  I can go home and sleep alone in my bed.  Nobody to answer to.  I can stay until 12 midnight or go home at 4am.  I can do what I want with no strings attached.

If I am looking for some one on one time, there are always single guys who are more than willing to spend the evening with a unicorn.  The best part is, I do not have to be alone with them.  We can choose a private room to play but I am not in a scary situation with a stranger.  If I want to be with a couple, no problem.  If I want a gang bang, that’s my choice.  The best part for me is that I leave alone.

I am not looking for a boyfriend, husband or anything else; just a good time.  That’s it, that’s all.  Obviously I cannot speak for every unicorn as we are all individuals.  Over time I have gotten to know a few who spend time in this swing club. We are definitely not all on the same page.  Personally, I will not go into the back room with someone else’s husband if she is not in the club to approve.  Most of the other girls have no problem with that.

I  will not date a married man with or without the wife’s permission.  I will only play with someone’s husband if she is present, but even then, I prefer to make it a threesome.  Most unicorns I have met don’t really have any rules.  They are out for themselves and offer no apologies for what they do.  They prefer to be alone for a variety of reasons and although they love the attention they get in the clubs, for the most part, they are not looking for anything more than a good time.

I have tried to imagine how I would feel if there was a unicorn around when my boyfriend and I were together at the club.  We did not really know of any at that time so it is hard to say.  If unicorns are respectful of other’s relationships then there should never be a problem.  I would suggest making sure that if you choose this route you pay a lot of attention to the women.  If you are flirting with their husband and ignoring them, this will be a problem for sure.  Since you have no one to offer to them, you must flirt with them as a couple.  Always try to put yourself in the woman’s shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if the situation were reversed.

Unicorns are a great addition to the lifestyle if they understand the rules of the game.  Some think they are the stars of the club because they get a lot of attention.  Perhaps it would be better to just think of yourself as another component to the lifestyle.  Although we bring an added element to the lifestyle, the lifestyle could easily exist without us.

Nobody ever asks what single men are looking for in the club.  Why the double standard?  It seems a question I hear often regarding unicorns.   Perhaps it would surprise people to hear that I am looking for sex just like they are.  It just so happens tothat I prefer the no strings attached variety.  I don’t want you to call me in the morning.  Really, I don’t.  More often that not, I also don’t want to play with you again.  It was fun once but I am not looking to repeat the experience regardless of how awesome it might have been.  I am not looking for you to cuddle with me or tell me how beautiful I am.  Please do not tell me about your problems and I will not bother you with mine.  The truth is, I don’t really care, I just want to enjoy my night out.

I do like to try new things and am very open minded.  Sometimes that seems to make some women feel  a little threatened.  I am not a slut or a whore because I am a sexual person.  When I was in a relationship I did not feel as free to explore things as I do now.  Perhaps that is why it is hard for you to relate, but that doesn’t really give you the right to judge.

People have asked me many times why I am not out looking for someone of my own.  It is a valid question but again, I am enjoying being by myself.  When I am ready to be in a relationship, I can assure you I will not be fishing for someone in a swing club.  Perhaps one day I will meet a nice single guy at a lifestyle event but who knows.  For now, I am very happy to be a unicorn and have no plans to change that any time soon.

 

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Swingers finding swingers while having a drink at a bar!

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We get a lot of email from our customers, which we appreciate greatly!  We obviously cannot publish every letter we receive but this couple asked us to share their story:

Hello Partners ID!

First of all I want to say that my wife and I have been fans of your company since we first heard about you.  As I am sure many others did when they learned of your company, we wondered why it took this long for someone to actually develop a symbol strictly for swingers.   It seems like a no-brainer yet nobody has ever done it before so, bravo to you!

We purchased a couple of necklaces a few months ago, which we love, and put them on our necks.   About 3 weeks after we started to wear them we were traveling to see my wife’s parents down south.  We do not like to stay with them so we checked into a hotel not far from where they live.  The first night we arrived late so we decided rather than disturbing them we would just grab a bite somewhere near the hotel and wait until morning to see them.   The concierge at the hotel recommended a bar within walking distance of the hotel, so off we went for dinner.

The place had a decent crowd so we figured the food must be good.  My wife and I waited at the bar for a table, and soon the hostess came to get us.  The hostess told us that it would be no problem to just put the bar tab on our food bill.  With that, we followed her to the table.   A few minutes after sitting down, the hostess came back to our table to inform us that a couple at the bar had paid our bar tab.  We were shocked because we did not know anyone there and we don’t live nearby.  She then pointed to an attractive couple sitting across the bar from where we were sitting.   The hostess then handed me a piece of a napkin which was folded in half.  The note was from the couple,  it read, “We love your necklaces.”

We couldn’t believe it!  WOW!  We waved them over to the table and the rest is history!  We had a wonderful night with them and have been in touch ever since.   They are planning to come and stay with us soon and we are really looking forward to that!

So again, Bravo!  Well done!  We really weren’t sure we would ever find someone with the jewelry but we did!  The funny thing is, the other couple did not have the jewelry but they knew what it was.  As you know, we just purchased 2 necklaces and are planning to surprise them with the jewelry when they come to visit.

Thank you again Partners ID!

David and Vicki

North Potomac, MD

Be sure to check out our lifestyle jewelry here:  https://www.swingersjewelry.net/jewelry-for-swingers/

 

 

 

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These swingers met under unusual circumstances!

Dear Partners ID,

We love to read your stories about how swingers have met other swingers because of your jewelry.  We always hoped we would have a story of our own to share.  Guess what?  Now we do!

My husband bought us both a piece of jewelry a few months ago when you were selling the jewelry at a swing club.  We did get a chance to meet both of you and you couldn’t have been nicer or more helpful.  You might remember us because I purchased a one of kind bracelet with gold and diamond pieces floating in an intricate pattern.  It’s really beautiful and I get a lot of compliments on it.   Anyway, we both wear our jewelry whenever we go out socially but generally not when we are around family.

We were at a lifestyle event last night and were enjoying a wonderful evening when my husband got a phone call alerting us that his father was ill and was on his way to the emergency room.  We rushed out of the party, jumped in the car and headed toward the hospital.  His parents live close by so the ride was only about 15 minutes long.  Luckily, I always bring a change of clothing in the car (just in case) so I changed while he raced through the streets to get there.

We pulled in to the Emergency Room parking lot and ran inside to find his mom.  Fortunately it was not very serious and  his dad would be ok.  His mom insisted that we stay with her at the hospital until he was taken up to his room to rest for the evening.  I stayed with his mom while my husband went in search of some coffee.

It felt like he was gone forever, but when he finally returned, he was with a doctor whom I assumed was his dad’s doctor.  He did not bring him over to introduce us, which I thought was very odd.  His mom was busy reading a magazine so she didn’t notice the interaction with the doctor and my husband.   My husband then came over and sat down.  He  said nothing.  He looked over at me with a smirk on his face and I was completely confused.

When they finally took his dad upstairs to a room, his mom went to check on him before we left.  As soon as she walked away, my husband grabbed my hand and said come with me I have someone who wants to meet you.  I looked at him like he was crazy but got up and followed him down the hall.  We went into the cafeteria and he walked over to the doctor he had been speaking with earlier.

He introduced him to me and immediately the doctor reached over and fondled my bracelet in his hand.  “I love this one,” he was saying, and with that reached into his scrub top and pulls out a gold chain with the pendant.  We all laughed and he sent his wife a text to come downstairs.  She is a nurse who works at the same hospital.  Long story short, we have become good friends with them and are planning to be at a party together next weekend.

When you say the concept is simple it is so true!  Without the jewelry, we would have had no reason to meet them or speak with them.  Even if we did, swinging would never come up in conversation!  We believe a lot of people own the jewelry, but as I mentioned to the doctor, if it is inside your shirt, how would we ever know you are wearing it!

I’m sure we speak for many people in the lifestyle when we say thank you for doing this.  This is something that has been missing for too long.

Hope everything is going well for you!

xoxo Debbie and Brian

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Are there any swingers in Hong Kong? The answer is yes, just ask this couple.

 

 

Couple living in Hong Kong wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

Dear Partners ID,

Nǐmén hǎo! This is hello in Cantonese. We are Lidia and Sam and we live in Hong Kong. We had to move for business a few years ago. We moved from California almost 2 years ago when my husband was offered a job he couldn’t turn down.

We have been in the lifestyle for the past 10 years and one of the hardest things about this move was leaving our friends. As you know, lifestyle friends are very special and we couldn’t wrap our minds around having to say good bye.

One of the first things we did after getting settled into our new home was to try to discover if swinging was popular in our area. Although we did see quite a few listings for swing clubs, we were nervous to take this route. My husband was new to the company and the last thing he wanted, was to run into someone he worked with.

We did take a chance online to try to meet others for an evening of play but that was not working out so well. After a few months we were getting antsy and very much wanted to play!

I had heard about your jewelry when we were still living in California and decided to order a few pieces for us to try. I purchased a necklace for my husband and a bracelet for myself and waited for them to arrive. I wasn’t really sure that anyone in Hong Kong would actually know what it meant but figured it couldn’t hurt!

I wear my bracelet most of the time but my husband prefers to wear his only when we go out socially. We went for dinner at a trendy restaurant one evening and when we were walking to our table, a woman grabbed my arm as we passed by. I looked down and she was holding a purse with your pendant on it! I was shocked! I never thought it would be this easy! They were with another couple and said they would stop at our table before they left.

Although this particular couple is not our style to play with, they are nice people who have helped us to navigate the lifestyle! They gave us all the information that we needed to meet other swingers and told us which clubs were the best in the area.

This was a few weeks ago and we have been invited to a party (through this couple) that we will attend this weekend. We just wanted to let you know that people in Hong Kong know the jewelry and it is pretty popular here!

Thank you! You really helped us!

Hugs and kisses,

Lidia and Sam

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Swinging can sometimes be a beautiful expression of love.

Swinging couple in bed wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

Swinging can sometimes be a beautiful expression of love.  I have no doubt that when some people see this title and they are not in the lifestyle, it will conjure up an image of a 1960s love fest; something reminiscent of Woodstock.  This really could not be farther from my point.

I met a couple last night while at a swing club and speaking with them really opened my eyes to how love can play a part in swinging.  This couple met when they were kids and were married before they even graduated from high school.  They entered the lifestyle as a mutual decision because neither had ever had sex with anyone else and as a couple they were honest enough to express their curiosity.  

I don’t believe that most people can be this honest with their spouse.  If couples were able to have this level of honest communication, there would be a lot less infidelity and a lot more swingers!

This couple is adorable to listen to.  The woman told us that prior to the lifestyle, she had not realized that her husband was not only a good lover but he was well endowed!  She had nothing to compare him with prior to her first experience as a swinger.  He echoed a similar sentiment and it made me realize how swinging has really helped to elevate their relationship to a whole new level. 

This is an aspect of swinging that is lost to the vanilla world.  Without having these experiences, they cannot relate to the degree of honesty and trust that is needed to do this.  To have an honest conversation with your spouse about having a desire to have sex with someone else is not easy.  We all already know this, as we see time and time again on all of the forums, where newcomers are asking how to bring up the subject to their significant other.   Most people would be highly insulted and hurt to hear their partner admit that they would like to try having sex with someone else.  The initial reaction is to think something is wrong with you and that is why your partner is seeking something else.  The truth is, if your partner didn’t love and respect you, they would do what most people who are not in the lifestyle do, they would simply do it behind your back.  When your partner wants to include you in this, it is only because they love and respect you.  When done correctly, the lifestyle can bring couples closer than ever.   

Love and sex are both wonderful and when the two are not mutually exclusive, anything is possible.

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Aloha from friends who live in Hawaii! How’s the lifestyle in Hawaii?

 

Woman from Hawaii wearing Partners ID black choker
Hawaiin woman wearing Partners ID black choker

 

Welina Partners ID,

Aloha from friends who live in Hawaii!

For the first years we were in the lifestyle, we sought out vacationers from the mainland through sites like SLS and SDC but it was always complicated.

We found it frustrating that we had to hide who we were from everyone we knew.  We would read articles from your site and others about clubs and friendships that had enriched so many swinger’s lives.  

Although most people tend to imagine that Hawaii is full of people who are free thinking and sexually open, but that is a thing of the past.  Religion has taken a more important role here in Hawaii over the past 2 centuries and sex is no longer something most islanders approve of if it is not between a married couple.

After reading some of the stories on your website, we finally decided to buy jewelry.  (I attached a photo of the necklace I bought from you): https://www.swingersjewelry.net/product/black-velvet-choker-necklace-with-lifestyle-pendant/  not only to find other swingers but it made us each feel authentic.  We wore our jewelry like a symbol of pride.  We enjoyed knowing that here we were identifying ourselves to everyone yet nobody knew that the symbol has any meaning.  At times it made me giggle!  Often when I wear the jewelry to work (I work in a store that sells ladies clothing), women will ask if we sell the jewelry!  The owner even asked about stocking some in the store!  How funny is that?!  

When my husband and I finally get the same day off we like to go snorkeling.  We try to go early and have the rest of the day on the beach.  We were relaxing at the beach and this nice looking couple sets up right next to us with their beach gear.  They were very friendly and the man then asked about the lifestyle in Oahu (where we live).  I look at my husband and the man quickly pointed at his wife’s ankle bracelet.  I started to laugh because I forget that I’m wearing my necklace!  This happened a few months ago and was the best thing that ever happened to us!  We became very good friends (wink wink) and they had other friends that also are in the lifestyle.  They also introduced us to a group that has a small club so we have been so happy!  

Your jewelry is a good luck charm for us!  This is the happiest we have been since we moved back here 5 years ago!   You will see my order because I am ordering for our group!  They are very excited about it and so are we!

Mahalo nui loa,

Aloha mai e

Kailana & Bane

Oahu, Hawaii

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“How do I get my wife into swinging” seems to be the most frequently asked question on the forums.

Swinging couples wearing Partners ID Jewelry
Swinging couples wearing Partners ID Jewelry
It seems every swinger forum on the internet has the same question regarding swinging:  a man asking how to get his wife into swinging.  One of the things that men must do when their wife is opposed to the idea, is to try to understand why.
 First of all, swinging is not for everyone.  Secondly, swinging is a process and a big part of this process has to do with the man.  It is very important to try to discover what it is about swinging that scares her.  For many women, one very big problem is body image.  Having been in a comfortable relationship with her husband and perhaps having had children, her body may not have been a priority for many years.  The thought of having to go out and “compete” for male attention could be scary for her.  The thought of taking off her clothing in front of strangers is hard to imagine.  We met a man recently who told us he knew his wife would never agree to step foot in a swing club.  Instead of pursuing it, he suggested they learn how to box, that it was something he had always been interested in and wanted to do it with her.  She agreed.  After six months he could see how much more confident she was with her body and encouraged her to buy something sexy to wear.  It was then that he told her he wished he could take her out somewhere in that dress and show her off.  A few days later he told her he had seen something about a swing club online and would love to just go and see it.  He told her it would be the perfect place to wear her new dress.  Guess what?  She agreed and they are now regulars in the club.
For some people, entering the lifestyle can bring back memories of high school days.  When you get married, you stop looking for someone because you have someone.  Many people are not sure they want to be back in the “dating scene” at this stage of their life; they thought that was behind them.  Perhaps that was not an easy time for them and it’s not something they want to revisit.  For some women, it could be the thought that you might find someone “better” than her.  It would seem logical to me that when you first bring up the topic of swinging, your wife will want to know why you want to do this.  How you handle this could be the difference between getting her to try and abandoning the idea entirely.
For many couples there are different stages that precede swinging.  Many couples have been watching porn together and fantasizing about what some of the situations they see would be like for them.  They experiment with toys and positions, some even go to strip clubs together.
Rather than asking her flat out about swinging, perhaps talking about who and what she fantasizes about while you are having sex would be a good start.  Encourage her to understand that it is normal to have fantasies and that it turns you on to hear about hers.  When she gets to the point that she’s comfortable with this conversation maybe then it is time to suggest that seeing these types of scenarios would be so hot for both of you.  Tell her you read or heard about swinging and thought it would be fun to just check out a swing club; just the two of you.  If she feels no pressure she might surprise you and be willing to make a fun evening out of it.  The most important thing to remember is to do what you say.  If you tell her just a fun evening with no pressure, make sure that is all it is.
The hardest part for most couples is getting the unwilling partner into a club for the first time.  Most couples are surprised at how comfortable they felt and that it was nothing like they had imagined.  Going step by step and reassuring her that it is not for yourself but for the two of you as a couple is crucial.  Try to keep in mind any reasons that she has given you for not wanting to try a swing club.  If she has poor body image, tell her how beautiful and sexy she is.
 When you finally get her to agree to go to a swing club, make sure you pay attention to her when you are in the club.   Don’t let her feel like you are checking out every beautiful woman in the club or it will reinforce any insecurities she might have regarding swinging.  If you do have a chance to talk to other couples, make sure she feels that you have her back.  Hold her hand, play with her hair, do whatever it takes to make her feel special.  The better she feels about herself and her relationship with you when you are at the club, the more likely she will want to return.   Taking the time to help her to overcome her misgivings about swinging will pay off big time in the end.
The couples who remain in the lifestyle for a long time are the couples who entered the lifestyle slowly.  They did not rush to play with other couples right away and did not pressure their partners into doing things they were not comfortable with.
 If a man is truly interested in getting his wife into swinging, patience is a must!
Be sure to check out our new pieces of lifestyle jewelry!  Many are one of a kind and will not be reproduced!
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The down and the dirty; what turns people off when swinging?

Swinging woman in bed wearing Partners ID jewelry
Annoyed woman in bed wearing Partners ID jewelry

In a perfect world, swingers and swinging would be perfect.  We all know from experience, that nothing is perfect.  We all wish we could simply educate people as to what not to do in the lifestyle, but that would be rude.  So instead, simply send this blog out in a mass email and hope for the best!

So what are people doing that we find so annoying?  Let’s start with a list:

  1. Body odor (any kind, doesn’t matter where or why)
  2. Bad breath (probably could be included under number 1 but want to make sure people see this)
  3. Poor hygiene
  4. Talking during sex.  (We will explain later)
  5. Cheering from the stands (obviously only when you’re swinging in a club or group setting)
  6. Someone telling you what to do and how to do it
  7. When someone tries to do something unconventional without asking
  8. Having someone tell you how much you like what they are doing to you
  9. When someone asks: “Did you cum yet?”
  10. Telling couples that you are so shy and new but the reality is exactly the opposite.  
  11.   Attention seekers.
  12.   Snobs
  13.   People who impose their fantasies on other people.
  14.   Calling others over to join in while you are playing.

Let’s start with the body odor.  This is pretty self explanatory.  Nobody wants to play with someone who smells.  Not hair, underarms, genitals or any place else.  It’s just gross.  For everyone’s sake, please make sure to shower and wear clean clothing when you go out to swing.  Put on deodorant and heck, wear some cologne or perfume, it can’t hurt!  Body odor is a deal breaker for most couples in the lifestyle.  

Bad breath is a common problem but pretty easy to solve.  Take your pick:  breath mints, breath strips, chewing gum, mouth wash, or mouth spray.  We are not picky, just make sure to use it as often as you need it!  We are always confused when one person has very bad breath and their significant other doesn’t tell them.  We are alway trying to figure out if the significant other has become immune to the smell; why else wouldn’t they alert their partner?

It’s hard to believe that poor hygiene is actually a problem that some swingers encounter, but it is.  It would seem that when people are headed out to meet others for sex, good hygiene would be a priority.  Sadly, this is not always the case. I am sure that these people have a tough time finding others to play with.  

Talking during sex can be a real turn off for some people.  To be in the moment with your partner requires a certain amount of concentration.  No matter how funny that joke is, it can wait.  It’s a huge turn off when someone interrupts your kissing to tell you something.  If the building’s not on fire, whatever you have to say can wait. 

Cheering from the stands is high on many people’s list of things they hate.  We don’t need your comments or applause when we are playing.  If you enjoy watching, fine, do it, but please don’t give us your two cents.  Don’t cheer us on to cum or for him to keep going.  It’s a mood killer and it seems nobody wants to hear it.

While many of us can appreciate that some people have a very specific way of playing, giving too many instructions to your partner can be annoying.  Do this, push harder, go deeper, turn right, turn left etc. is not a huge turn on for most people.   If we need an instruction manual to play with you, we’d rather just not play with you at all.  

Not everyone is open to everything and this can sometimes be a problem  If you are thinking double penetration or anything anal related, it’s probably a good thing to ask your partner first.  The same goes for men touching men.  Better to be upfront about what you are hoping for then to surprise a couple when they are in a compromising position.  The same goes for playing bareback.  If you and your partner prefer to play without condoms, don’t assume that everyone shares your views.  This is something that should be discussed ahead of time.  If a man hands you a condom when you are playing with his wife, he expects you to put it on.  Don’t try to simply “slip it in” to see if you can get away without one.  Also, please don’t tell us your too big and no condom will fit.

We all know when we are enjoying ourselves and when something feels good to us.  Unless you are the type who lies there staring at the ceiling, you probably do something to let your partner know you are enjoying what they are doing.  The last thing anyone needs to hear from the person they are playing with is, “That feels so good for you, right?”  “You like that.”  Especially when it is said over and over.  That can be extremely irritating.

This is somewhat related to the above problem.  It’s natural to make some type of noise when you orgasm.  This usually allows your partner to know when it happens.  There have been men who have made me scream and not long after will turn to me and ask me if I came.  Seriously?  You didn’t know?  Are they asking just to hear you say yes?  I am never sure.  

This seems to be a growing trend:  meeting a couple and the woman tells you that they are very new to the lifestyle.  She says she has never played, she is very shy and unsure about the whole thing.  Maybe everyone can take it slow and she can just play touchy feely with the other woman.  No sooner is everyone naked and she’s grinding away with your partner.  To top things off, she tells the group her fantasy has always been double penetration.  WHOA!! What?!  You are left with your mouth open while she screws your guy and hers and you are left to watch.  What just happened?  Sometimes the man she is with is just as shocked and he is so busy watching her that he can’t even get an erection!  While we have no objection to anyone that wants to play, why not be honest from the get go?

Attention seekers are annoying to everyone.  They are the loudest and most annoying people in the lifestyle.  When everyone else is lying down, they are standing on the mattress, when people are sitting down, they are dancing.  You know who they are and nobody wants to be with them.  They are always screaming with pleasure and most people would like to put a pillow over their mouth.

Snobs are always low on the totem pole.  Nobody likes to associate with someone who is too good for them.  They walk around acting like everyone is lucky to be in their presence.  They are generally not very successful with swingers.

Everyone has a fantasy but that does not mean we all share the same ones.  If your fantasy is something that others might not be ok with, better to play them out at home.  Golden showers and other bodily oddities don’t fly with everyone.  Nobody likes to find themselves with a partner who is asking something outrageous of them.  If your fantasy is something out of the ordinary it might be a good idea to ask people before hand.  Their facial expression should be a good indication as to whether they are ok with this.

When you are playing with another person or couple, they can sometimes get caught up in the moment and decide to share their good time with others who are around.  That might be fine but it is always best to ask the people you are playing with before you do this.  Randomly inviting others to join in is not always appreciated.  Many people like to know the people they play with or have certain standards by which they choose others to play with.  When a couple simply waves another couple (or single man) over to join in, this can make people unhappy and uncomfortable.  

Swinging can be a lot of fun but sometimes people do things to ruin the experience.  These are just some of the problems people encounter that can be a real turn off.  If you swing and have discovered that you rarely get a second chance to play with the same couples, you might want to take a look at some of the reasons people might try to avoid playing with you.   Most of the pet peeves that irritate people are easy to fix.  

 

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The pitfalls of relying on social media to meet other swingers.

Couple text messaging wearing Partners ID jewelry
Couple text messaging wearing Partners ID jewelry

Social media has become a way of life for most people. We have email, instant messaging and text at our finger tips. When we wanted to communicate in the past, we picked up a phone and called someone. Now it has become much easier and more popular to just shoot a message to someone. With this surge in use of nonverbal communication has come some problems. When we speak in person with someone, they can hear our intonations as we speak. They can hear our excitement, our anger, if we pause they can rethink what they said and try to explain on the spot, etc. When we read a message, at times, we can misinterpret what they writer is trying to convey to us.

How does this affect swingers looking for other swingers?

Simply put, when a couple is attempting to communicate with another couple and they rely on a messaging platform, things they write can be misconstrued. It becomes especially touchy when these couples have never met. Sometimes a person has a sense of humor that will come across in their messages. If you don’t know that this person is sarcastic, for example, you might misinterpret them as being arrogant. A person who is shy might come across as being disinterested. Perhaps one couple is very busy and so there can be a long delay between messages. If english is the person’s second language, their writing might be seen as a lack of intelligence or education. In any case, the couples might decide against meeting each other for reasons that are not valid.

The other problem that is rampant is many couples disregard for the truth. The number one complaint seems to be the outdated photos that many couples choose to post. Regardless of how attractive and fit you were ten years ago, that no longer represents what you look like today. If you are afraid that people will not be attracted by your current photos, this is not a reason to post old ones. After all, you will eventually meet in person and the first thing they will notice, is that you do not look like your pictures. Many people say that they do this because although people might not like their pictures, they are sure they can win them over if they meet in person. The truth is, it does not work like this. We have heard many couples talk about how when they spotted the couple they had arranged to meet and realized they did not look like their photos, they turned around and left.

The other problems with swinger profiles is lying about age and not being truthful about what you are looking for. If you do not have experience or are not totally comfortable with swapping, be honest. At some point, all of your lies will become apparent to the couples that you meet and then it is awkward for everyone. Don’t shave 10 years off of your age and then be surprised when the couple who agrees to meet you is not interested. Don’t expect another couple to “take it slow” if you have written that you are full swap and have tons of experience. Honesty goes a long way in making encounters successful and enjoyable. You will find couples to match with if you let them know who you really are.

Facetime and Skype have given us the ability to chat live and perhaps this is the best way to be sure that the couple in the pictures look the same in person. This also allows you to speak in “real time” and avoid the problems that messaging can cause. Let’s not forget that in some areas, people have to travel quite a distance to meet each other. Areas that do not have a swing club or any type of meet and greet tend to be remote. This causes them to be dependent upon messaging.

When messaging with other couples just remember how many times your chats with family and friends have been misunderstood. Not because of what you wrote necessarily, but rather the way the reader interpreted what you meant to say or how you meant to say it. Give people the benefit of the doubt and always try to connect either by video chat or on the phone. This allows you the comfort of hearing what someone is saying and how they are saying it.

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Vanilla friends vs. lifestyle friends; who is more fun?

Woman wearing Partners ID bracelet bored by vanilla conversation
Bored woman wearing Partners ID bracelet

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love our vanilla friends, really, I do, but a night with them can be very long!

Vanilla friends are great.  We have had some vanilla friends for many years and although they might suspect we are in the lifestyle (or something, they’re not sure exactly what we are up to), we have never spoken about it with them.

We try to go out from time to time with our vanilla friends as we hold them dear and do not want to lose their friendship.  However, as much as I like them, spending too much time with them can be a drag.  The conversations can sometimes seem so pointless and boring that I stop paying attention and my mind wanders.  I find myself wondering if they still have sex, if they still enjoy it, if she dresses up for him, etc.  

Finally, at one point during the evening, one of the men tells a joke.  The joke is:  ‘How does a man know if he needs to take Viagra?’  The answer: ‘Just put him in a room with a hot, naked, younger woman and he will know right away.’

As soon as he finished telling the joke, he apologized and explained that it is really just meant for men to hear.  (You can imagine my expression.)  I told him that I disagreed with both the joke and the notion that women shouldn’t hear it.  My husband was cringing and poking my leg, trying to subtly remind me that we were with vanilla folk.  I explained that the joke could be used for women as well.  Put a young, hot naked guy in a room with a middle aged woman and see if she gets turned on.  The first comment from vanilla man:  Women don’t have to get an erection to have sex so it doesn’t make sense.  I pointed out that women have to get wet and he quickly told me that this is what lube is for.  I started to explain that it might surprise him that women can get wet when turned on but realized better to avoid this conversation altogether.  

The other part of this joke that I disagreed with was the notion that you put a married, middle aged man (who may or may not need Viagra) with a young, naked woman and he will instantly get an erection.  As most of us have seen in the lifestyle, it rarely works like that.  Nothing seems to kill an erection like a situation such as this.  When men feel the pressure to perform, this is when he most likely will need that Viagra.  Most men who are new to swinging will tell you they never missed an erection until they found themselves in this situation.  I did not share this information with the group.

That was the only time anything interesting was spoken about.  I am not a complete pervert and do not need to talk about sex to find a conversation interesting, but here are a few of the other topics we touched on that evening:  What time we go to bed and wake up, the moon, our children, fabrics for sofas, driving too fast, cars, how iguanas are now visible around our neighborhood, etc.  There were times when I thought the conversation might become more titillating, but it never took that direction.

Some of these couples spend several nights each week together and I wondered what on earth they talk about.   I wanted to try to provoke them by bringing up a spicier topic but was afraid it was the alcohol and chose to keep quiet.   I do remember one time in the past asking them if their children ever spoke with them about sex.  It was like a tennis match where everyone’s head turned in unison to look at me.  Not really, they all agreed.  They didn’t even ask if mine do…

Although I do like my vanilla friends, they are nice people and I enjoy seeing them from time to time, I much prefer my lifestyle friends.  Our conversations are never dull and I never feel like I have to filter what I want to say.  We talk about everything and anything.  We share hilarious stories about the lifestyle and swinging, we compare notes about toys, we try on each others slut wear and shoes and we share our husbands.  We went to a restaurant with lifestyle friends recently and we switched husbands for the evening.  I was her husband’s date and my friend was my husband’s date.  It was silly but fun.  

We have conversations about double penetration, gang bangs, girl on girl sex, mishaps with condoms, bi sexual men, the nude beach, etc.  There is nothing boring about these topics.  Sure, we talk about our kids and business, but it is not limited to topics such as those.

This is one of many perks of being apart of the lifestyle.  There are no taboo topics, nobody is embarrassed by sexual conversations and gatherings are never boring.  I can remember not long ago, a friend of ours was telling a story about a party he went to and thought he got his dick stuck in a girls ass.  I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard.

Life is too short to be uptight.  Let your hair down and do what makes you happy.  It’s ok to be silly and sexy, after all, you’re not hurting anyone.  I am not saying that my vanilla friends aren’t happy, they seem to be, but I truly believe that the freedom lifestyle couples discover, leads to increased happiness.  Try it!

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