Swingers: Why is it a secret that you are in the lifestyle?

Why do swingers feel the need to keep their lifestyle a secret?  I frequently hear people say that nobody knows that they are in the lifestyle.  They would die if someone found out.   Why is that?  At first I wondered if these people were very religious, but they are not.  I wondered if their children were at an age that it would create confusion and uncertainty, but they are not.  Do they think they are doing something criminal or unethical?  They do not.  Hmm.  Would exposure embarrass them?   This question got a nod.   Embarrassed, why?

Admitting that you are a swinger should be a lot less traumatic than admitting you are having an affair, no?  After all, one is cheating and lying to someone you say you are in love with, the other is not.  Swingers are out having a great time, enjoying parties and events that others can only dream of.  Cheaters are sneaking around, worrying that at any moment they will be caught, which would certainly disrupt their lives and the lives of those around them.

I wonder how many swingers are truly living this lifestyle unbeknownst to their friends and family.  Probably not nearly as many as believe they are.  Often times I watch swingers arrive at a club clad in an over sized trench coat in the middle of the summer.  When I ask these women if their family or neighbors don’t find this strange they say they don’t think so.  Really?  It’s 90 degrees outside and you leave your house or condo wearing a trench coat cinched at the waste with stiletto heels and nobody thinks that’s odd?

Many swingers have said that when they finally decided to reveal the truth about their lifestyle, their friends and family members were not surprised.  Many said they had known about it for years but understood the swinger couple wanted to keep it to themselves.  (If these were the trench coat women, it’s no wonder people knew.)

What about the family and friends who were told, who did not know anything or suspect anything about the lifestyle?  Were they shocked and appalled?  Not according to the people I have spoken with.  Most said that more than anything, they were curious about swinging.  They asked a lot of questions but did not seem to have a negative reaction.  Many couples said that both friends and many family members (mostly siblings), eventually asked if they could tag along one night to see what it was all about.

Swingers would be surprised (or maybe not) to learn how connected the lifestyle is; even for people in some type of lifestyle related business.  The industry is comprised of the most friendly, warm and helpful group of people.  All of us have one goal, and that is to unite the lifestyle community. Most people I work with all say the same thing:  I am more interested in connecting people in the lifestyle than in making money.  Sure, it is a business, but it is also very personal.  Who wouldn’t want to be associated with such a genuine group of people?  Most of them have said that their families and friends know they are swingers and take it in stride.  They felt no judgement when they told others about it and feel completely comfortable that people know.

Like any other group, in order to gain acceptance, we must learn to stand up for what we believe in.  Swingers should not be ashamed of their lifestyle.  Obviously it is not necessary to divulge what you do when you are at a swing club, or party or other event, any more than you would give blow by blow (pun intended) details to others about what you and your significant other do in your bedroom.  No need to reveal that you participated in a gang bang with 15+ men last Saturday or tried double penetration for the first time and loved it.  Many swingers don’t swap, and many people in the lifestyle are not swingers.  Enjoying the warm atmosphere that accompanies the lifestyle is a wonderful thing and people should not have to hide from it.

There are many well known actors and singers who are open about their lifestyle choices and for some reason, people find this ‘normal’ and acceptable.  Why?  Why are they held to a different standard than the rest of us.  Because they are famous?   Even with their disclosure they are still sought after and some of them are highly influential people.

Revealing to others that you are open minded should not be a negative thing.  After all, if you think about it, being a part of the lifestyle really doesn’t mean more than that.   If your children or parents told you the same thing, would it concern you?  Sure, at first it might come as a surprise but would you be upset or concerned?  Probably not.

When we initially came up with the concept for the jewelry, we had just this vision in mind.  Wear the jewelry with pride.  First of all, others do not know what it means.  Secondly, even if they did, what does it really say about you?  That you are open minded, nothing more.

Let’s continue the movement to unite the lifestyle.  There is a lot to be learned from people who choose to be apart of it.  Honesty, respect and fun are the three hallmarks of the lifestyle.  What could be better than that?

Swingers are often more happily married than other couples; here’s why.

Married swinger couple smiling
Married swinger couple smiling

 

One of the most important things in a marriage is trust. When you are in a committed relationship, you must be able to trust the other person. If you don’t, the marriage is doomed from the start. What is the biggest trust issue between married couples? What do they fear most that could destroy their marriage? Infidelity. If you are always suspicious that something is going on between your spouse and someone else, it is very hard to be happy.

Couples who are married do not spend 24 hours a day together. Most couples probably spend the majority of their days apart. Either one or both usually work and that takes them away for at least 8 hours each day. If you are always worrying that your spouse is either looking for someone else or is with someone else, that is a lot of time to be concerned with that. It probably escalates when your spouse is out of touch for a period of time and this probably results in accusatory comments or conversations.

Imagine if couples put that time and energy into something constructive. One of the benefits of swinging, is that there is no reason for couples to cheat on each other. The whole point of swinging is to have the ability to explore sex with other people without having to do it behind your partners back. I think most swingers would agree that they never worry that their partner is cheating on them. Why would they when they have a green light to sleep with other people on a regular basis? It would be like a grocery store telling you that everything in the store is free and the only catch is to let them see what you take before you leave. Would anyone feel the need to steal from them? I don’t see why they would when they have permission to take whatever they want.

Swingers are very connected couples for a variety of reasons. The lifestyle is all about having fun. Swing clubs try to promote a cohesive environment for their patrons. They offer discounts at the door if people dress in a certain costume each week, they offer different seating areas that promote meeting others and have parties regularly for different events and occasions. Lifestyle cruises and resorts have theme nights and parties to help guests to meet and interact with each other.

Swingers are always out looking for fun. They do things together as a couple and this keeps them happy. Marriage can be difficult and stressful and cause people to fall into a rut. Same routine day in and day out, bills, children, pressures at work can all create problems. One or both partners might be too tired to have sex or sex has become so routine and predictable that there is no longer any excitement for one or both members of the couple. If couples don’t put in the time and energy to find something exciting to do, eventually the marriage will be doomed.

This is where swingers have the advantage. They too, have pressures and stress at work and with bills and children. However, they make the time for themselves and each other. If they know they are going to a swing club or a party on the weekend, it gives them something to look forward to as a couple. Every experience is different but always exciting! It helps keep a balance in your life as the two of you look forward to fun adventures each weekend. It gives the two of you a naughty little secret that you can rehash during the week. Sex will never be dull and I believe most swingers would agree that they never think about having an affair. They have everything they need, why mess it up?

Swingers have a language all their own but do all swingers understand it?

Cute couple
Cute young couple in bed reading a dictionary

 

Swingers seem to have a language all of their own. They use terms that are common to them, but these terms leave others standing there scratching their heads. Terms as common to swingers as lifestyle or vanilla, can leave newbies or outsiders wondering what or who swingers are talking about.

Although swingers are aware that there are many terms we use to describe all things swing, there are many terms that even most swingers probably do not recognize. Thankfully, we have google and Siri to help us navigate and learn about things with the click of a button or the sound of our voice. Imagine how difficult things must have been for couples in the past, when they really had no way of learning these terms. The best they could do was to ask a swinger friend and hope they knew the answer!

I have been in the lifestyle for many years and I thought I was pretty well versed on swinger jargon. I was quite surprised when I went to look up a word I came across in an email and saw a list of words I had never heard before. My other surprise was that when I read some of the meanings, they did not mean the same things that I had known them to mean.

If different swinger terms mean different things to different couples, this could cause some problems!  Another issue is that when trying to be creative with acronyms, it can be very hard to remember what each one stands for.  A good example is a couple playing next to us one night asked the couple they were with about ATM.  I remember wondering why on earth they would be talking about an ATM in the back room of a swing club. Clearly, the couple that was asked was just as confused. We later discovered that ATM stands for “Ass To Mouth”.

Another time we heard a couple ask another if they were into MOM. We looked at each other and we were both like, what? Mom? Who’s mom? Turns out, MOM means man on man. I wondered: why not just ask if the man is bisexual? Why do swingers need to complicate things?

There are more swinger terms than any one person could ever possibly remember! For this reason I decided to investigate just how many there are. Not only are there more than one hundred terms, different sites have different lists of words. I realized that for swingers to be able to remember every swinger term, they must either download a list to their cell phone or carry a swinger dictionary with them to all lifestyle events.

Here are a few swinger terms I came across; how many of these do you know?

Moose Knuckles: Male organs showing through clothes at the crotch

Felching: which involves sucking semen out of any orifice it has been deposited in, usually the anus.

Swedish Cultures: The exclusive and talented use of the hands to stimulate sexual arousal; masturbation.

Frotteurism: A fetish that involves rubbing up against an unsuspecting or unwilling person.  (Sounds like a good prank for the Ellen Show)

High Dive: When you pull your erect penis all the way out of your partner (whether it be her vagina or anus) and then penetrate her in one fell swoop

Split Roast: An act done by three people (usually a woman and two men, but the concept works with all homosexual males as well), in which the person in the center is penetrated in the vagina or ass by one partner, while performing oral sex on the other.

These are just a few of the terms I found on this website: http://lsota.com/Terms.htm. Another interesting list is available on this site: http://denverswingers.org/swingers-terms-glossary. I especially enjoyed a term they originated: bi selfish,  a woman who likes to receive oral from same sex but WILL NOT reciprocate.

My recommendation for swingers would be to make sure when you are trying to let others know what you want or like, or don’t want or like, say it in plain English (or whatever language you speak)! Using acronyms and swinger terms can be confusing, especially when the terms mean different things to different people.

The other problem with some swinger acronyms is that some people take offense to them. I read on a couple’s profile that the M (man) does not like bear claws… I was obviously confused. I looked it up and discovered it refers to a woman’s unusually large labia (vaginal lips). Is that a thing? Is this so common that we must learn to avoid it? Before you know it women will start saying they don’t want to meet men with a large Japs eye: Slang term for the small opening at the end of a man’s penis where urine and sperm comes out.

Another acronym that some people take offense to is BBW: Big Beautiful Woman; Referring to women that may not be their “ideal” weight, but are comfortable with the size that they are. I checked the list but not see BBM. Is this not why swinger profiles have photos? Do we need to use the term for something that we can easily see?

What about BBC: Big Black Cock. Although we all know that interracial play is very popular in the lifestyle, some people take offense to the term.

I understand that in order to get our desires and interests across in a profile, sometimes an acronym is more polite than writing the actual words. However, when in a swinging situation, instead of using terms that others may or may not be familiar with, it is probably safer to just explain what you are looking for. Just remember that even a term as common as soft swap, means different things to different people. Perhaps it is always better to clarify what you mean so there is no misunderstanding.

Remember, the key to swinging is communication.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What would you do if people discovered you are a swinger?

     What if people in your neighborhood, at your child’s school, at your place of worship or at work suspected you were a swinger?  They probably would not know for sure unless they have spotted you at a swinger club or lifestyle event.  In that case, they were there too so it would be ok.  But what if they see or hear something that puts you in a spot that makes denying it very difficult? Would you admit to it or try your hardest to contest what people are pretty sure they know about you?

We were out to dinner a few weeks ago with a couple we often hang out with who are in the lifestyle.  My partner and I stepped outside for a smoke.  When we came back inside, the table was still not ready so we went to the bar. I had looked for a mint when we walked back inside but did not see any.  I asked my partner if he had a piece of gum but he did not.  Our male friend, turned to me and said, “Here, take mine.”  I thought nothing of it.  I put my mouth up to his and he popped the gum into my mouth.  No big deal, right?   I mean I play with this guy all the time; we have done worse.   Wrong.  You know when you have that sense that someone is looking at you?  I turn my head and across the bar I see some vanilla friends and they are all staring at me with their mouths open.  All I could think of was that there is absolutely nothing I can say that would fix this.  I am usually pretty good at thinking quickly in tight spots but I have to tell you, I had nothing!  During dinner, the four of us spent at least 30 minutes after sitting down at our table trying to think of something I could say to make what they witnessed appear normal.  We could not come with anything!  We decided to avoid them at all costs while at the restaurant and hope they would forget about it.  They did stop by our table to say hello but nobody said anything.

I would like to be able tell you that I was able to think of something to say about this when I ran into one of the girls from the bar the following week while picking up my kids from school. Unfortunately I could not think of anything to say that would make that one moment appear normal. What could I possibly tell her that would make this all go away?  I decided to ignore it and hope she would not mention it.  No such luck.  Within the first two minutes of our conversation she questioned me about the couple we were with that evening.    I told her they are old friends of mine from high school.  She then mentioned what she saw.    I did what any good swinger would do; deny, deny, deny.  I laughed and told her she was crazy.  I even threw in an “Ew!  Why would I do that?  That’s just gross!”   The look on her face told me she did not believe a word I had said.

Many years ago, we spent a wild Saturday night in a swing club where we played with a couple and had a lot of fun.   The next day, I was a bit hung over, but as we all know, children really do not care how you are feeling when they want to do something.  As promised, I took my daughter to the mall to look for  a dress for an upcoming party.  We walked into a store and who is in there but the woman from the previous night that we had played with.  She was there with her daughter shopping as well.  She turned and spotted me as we walked into the store and smiled and said hello.  We talked for a moment and then we both turned our attention back to our girls.  I overheard her daughter ask her mother who I was and how she knew me.  I laughed to myself and thought:  I screwed the heck out of your dad last night, that’s how your mom knows me!  My daughter said nothing at the time but later mentioned in the car that she thought it was odd that I have friends that she has neither heard about or met.  I assured her that as parents it is normal for us to know people that she does not, but I could see from her expression that she felt something was not quite right.

We went with a lifestyle couple to a restaurant years ago that was off the beaten path figuring we would not see anyone we know.   It was very small and very hard to find but it was nice and cozy inside.  We sat at the bar while we waited for a table.  I sat next to the man from the other couple and my husband sat next to his wife.  We had a few drinks and laughed as a group,  all the while the man had his arm draped behind my back and was playing with my hair.  The hostess came over and let us know our table was ready.  We all stood up from the bar and  turned around.  At the table right behind where we were sitting was a girl who worked at the front desk where I get my hair done.  Sitting beside her was a friend who lives in my neighborhood and is the biggest gossip I know.  They pretended not to see me so I did the same.  Once again, I could not even think of anything I could say, so I said nothing.  I think it was that night that I decided that there was a very high probability that people in my town knew I was a swinger.

When I came to the realization that people in my community probably at least suspect that I am in the lifestyle, I thought about it long and hard.  I tried to imagine what they were thinking.  I imagined that they envisioned the same thing that I had prior to entering a swing club for myself.  Older men with polyester shirts open to their navel, touching girl’s asses as they walk by; middle aged women trying desperately to appear young and sexy with their fishnet dresses revealing pudgy bodies while teetering around in stiletto heels.  Where does she fit into this picture, I am sure they would be wondering.  No doubt they were picturing groups of people groping each other on dirty mattresses, again, trying to envision me in the midst of the sweaty insanity.  In my own mind, I know that this is a completely inaccurate description of any swing club I have ever been to.  Swing clubs have become beautiful, upscale clubs with very accomplished, successful and attractive couples; not at all what one would imagine if they have never been to one.  More importantly is that I decided that although I will never share my private life with the curiosity seekers who live near me, I am not ashamed to be a swinger.  This is the lifestyle we have chosen and we have never been happier.  When you discover the excitement, the fun, the friends that you find in the lifestyle there is no turning back.  I look at vanilla couples as people who are missing out on something truly wonderful.  It is not so much about the sex as much as it is about the lifestyle as a whole.  It is so liberating to lead such an open and honest life with your partner!  We are a team, we are partners in crime, we have secrets together, not from each other.  Maybe that is why swingers tend to stay in relationships longer; they have no reason to leave.

In the lifestyle, asking your husband to give your partner a condom is normal.

Man holding a condom
Man holding condom

The lifestyle really changes the way swingers approach the topic of sex.  Having a conversation with a lifestyle friend  is likely to include something or other about sex.  With vanilla friends, regardless of how long you have known them, sex never comes up.   Imagine if you mentioned to a vanilla friend that last night your partner asked your husband for a condom so he could have sex with you.   Say what?

There is no doubt in my mind that anyone in the lifestyle who read that thought to themselves, ‘yeah, so?’   It is funny to realize how blasé we become about sex when we are in the lifestyle.  That is not to say that we don’t still enjoy it immensely, we just have a more relaxed attitude towards sex.  It would take an awful to shock us, as most of us have been there, seen that!   Before entering the lifestyle, most people cannot really imagine walking around naked in a club or at a party, much less having sex in front of a bunch of strangers!

Flipping tv channels the other morning I stumbled upon a talk show with Tyra Banks (had no idea she had a talk show).  They were talking about sex.  Actually, they were not really talking about sex.  They were talking about ‘talking about’ having sex.  As in, what do you tell your friends about your love life.  How open are you?  They were embarrassed just having this conversation.  Really?!  How prudish are people?  It’s 2017!  Have we evolved so little when it comes to being open about something as natural as sex?  Every adult is having sex!  Why is it so hush hush?  All the people on the panel agreed that some things should remain between couples and they moved on to another topic.

I was excited to discover, recently, that there is a channel on satellite tv that has a new sex show.  Having watched several sex shows from Canada, I looked forward to this.  The woman who hosts the show tries very hard to act as though she has no problem talking about sex.  Unfortunately, the way that she comes across, is as though she is terribly uncomfortable!  She speaks very quickly and her expression never changes.  She could be discussing anything.  The content of the show is equally disappointing.  Most stories are less than a minute and point to studies that have been done and what they tell us.  In Canada, they speak with real people who talk candidly about their experiences and how they feel.  The Canadian shows are very informative yet personal.

Perhaps Tyra is right, maybe our sex lives should remain behind closed doors.  Is that healthy?  That certainly was the way my generation was raised.  My husband once asked me if my parents liked having sex.  I just looked at him and said, “How on earth would I know?”  He was surprised and said that his parents certainly did and they were very open about it.  He is not American born so that explains a lot! He then asked about my siblings and again, I have no clue, it is not something we ever spoke about.

Why is sex such a taboo topic?  We all know when we see families with children that something fun happened to get those little kiddies!  How do we break this code of silence?  It is hard to imagine asking my children how their sex life is and I am in the lifestyle!

Realizing that perhaps this is an American phenomenon, I turned to my husband for answers.  Why is sex an open discussion amongst your family?  Is your family different from others?  One thing that makes this even more interesting is that he comes from a rather religious community and his family was very observant.  They did not believe in sex before marriage, abortion or masturbation so how is it this family is now able to talk freely about sex?

My husband pointed out that religion for both his family and the community where he was raised has somewhat waned in its importance over the years so that is no longer a factor.  He did point out that television played a rather large role in helping people to openly discuss topics regarding sex.  There are many shows that feature naked people talking about their bodies and many other shows discussing a variety of topics regarding sex itself.  When you are exposed to this, it becomes natural to talk about it.

He does find it rather interesting that the porn industry is so strong in America (much more so than in his country) and finds that a little hypocritical.  If people are so shy about sex, why is everyone watching porn?

With regard to my partner asking my husband for a condom last night, my husband was happy to oblige.  Like most swingers, he is happy when he sees me happy and vice versa.  Sex is a natural act and should be treated as such.  People in the lifestyle talk openly and freely about their sex lives, and over time, that has become a normal topic of conversation amongst us all.  That is probably one reason swingers tend to slowly move away from their vanilla friends.  You are no longer on the same page and when you try to bring up a topic regarding sex, watching them squirm becomes frustrating.

Everyone is not cut out to be in the lifestyle and that is normal.  What is not normal is treating sex like some taboo act that we should be embarrassed about.  If sex is good with your partner, what is the harm in sharing that thought?  If it is not good, maybe being able to discuss this with your friends would be helpful.

Hopefully, in the near future, Americans will open up and talk about sex as the natural act that it is.  We should not have to turn to porn or the internet to discover what others are doing.