A unicorn explains why she is in the lifestyle and what she is looking for.

Unicorn wearing Partners ID jewelry
Unicorn wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This blog was written for Partners ID by Kennedy M., a single woman in the lifestyle.

Most swingers prefer to keep the fact that they are in the lifestyle to themselves.  At times it can be challenging, especially when we find ourselves in situations that are hard to explain.  Imagine how hard it would be for vanilla people to wrap their minds around a unicorn!

Not long ago, while taking notes in a board room for an important client, I received an email with a subject line that said it was an important message from Joe (a close friend’s name).  I was busy and did not look at the return email address.  As soon as we took a break for a few minutes I scrolled down and clicked on it.  To my surprise there was a close up picture of a black man’s dick.  Before I could click delete, a male coworker was standing behind my chair asking if that was my new boyfriend.

When I am not blogging about my lifestyle experiences I have a job that is quite vanilla; complete with meetings in board rooms and client lunches.  For obvious reasons, I do not discuss my private life where I work.  When colleagues ask what I did over the weekend, I usually tell them, “The usual; a movie, some dinner” etc.  I am single and the company I work for would be horrified if they really knew how I spend my weekends.

I am a unicorn, a single girl in the swinger lifestyle, for those who do not know the term.

I did not discover swinging alone, but found myself single after a lengthy relationship in which we were a swinging couple.  I was very much in love with my boyfriend and was heart broken when he ended it with little explanation.

I am not soured by this nor do I hate men.  I am, however, wary of putting my heart out there again in fear that I will find myself in the same situation.

When I was finally ready to go back out after the breakup, I returned to a place where I felt very comfortable in the past.  My former boyfriend and I were swing club rats and spent at least two nights a week in our local establishment.  We had a nice circle of lifestyle friends, many of whom had reached out to me after the break up.

My first night out alone was a little bit scary.  I was unsure how I would be received by some of the women.  I knew I was not looking to intrude on anyone’s relationship but would they know that?  I had never really known any unicorn but had heard some women speaking poorly about them in the past.  I did not want that to be me.

For the most part, the women were happy to see me and welcomed me with open arms.  One or two seemed a bit uncomfortable with all the attention the men lavished upon me (which I in no way sought out but as most unicorns will admit, it is hard to avoid).

The first few times I went to the club I felt a little awkward.  I needed people to make me feel like I belonged there.  It didn’t take long for couples (some I knew, some I did not) to ask me to join them in the back room.  After a period of time I started receiving invitations to parties.  I also started having men ask me to accompany them to the club when their wives were out of town.   I have always declined to do this but I do know other unicorns who have no problem with this.   Although I knew why I was there, I wasn’t sure others understood why I chose to make a swing club my night life of choice.  I overheard women asking each other what exactly I was looking for.

I will tell you “what I was, and still am, looking for.”  I love to dance, I love to dress sexy and I love to have fun.  I like to meet new people and I love to have sex; both with men and with women.  I like the comfort and the warmth of the lifestyle.  It’s a great place to go to as you do not need a date, or to make plans with others.  You just show up and hang with the people who are there.  You can spend an amazing night, have great sex and kiss the other people goodnight.  I can go home and sleep alone in my bed.  Nobody to answer to.  I can stay until 12 midnight or go home at 4am.  I can do what I want with no strings attached.  If I am looking for some one on one time, there are always single guys who are more than willing to spend the evening with a unicorn.  The best part is, I do not have to be alone with them.  We can choose a private room to play but I am not in a scary situation with a stranger.  If I want to be with a couple, no problem.  If I want a gang bang, that’s my choice.  The best part for me is that I leave alone.  I am not looking for a boyfriend or a husband or anything else.  I am looking for a good time.  That’s it, that’s all.  I can not speak for every unicorn as we are all individuals.  I have gotten to know a few who spend time in this swing club and we are not all on the same page.  I will not go into the back room with someone else’s husband if she is not in the club to approve.  Most of the other girls have no problem with that.  I also will not date a married man with or without the wife’s permission.  I will only play with someone’s husband if she is present, but even then, I prefer to make it a threesome.  Most unicorns I have met don’t really have any rules.  They are out for themselves and offer no apologies for what they do.  They prefer to be alone for a variety of reasons and although they love the attention they get in the clubs, for the most part, they are not looking for anything more than a good time.

I have tried to imagine how I would feel if there was a unicorn around when my boyfriend and I were together at the club.  We did not really know of any at that time so it is hard to say.  If unicorns are respectful of other’s relationships then there should never be a problem.  I would suggest making sure that if you choose this route you pay a lot of attention to the women.  If you are flirting with their husband and ignoring them, this will be a problem for sure.  Since you have no one to offer to them, you must flirt with them as a couple.  Always try to put yourself in the woman’s shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if the situation were reversed.

Unicorns are a great addition to the lifestyle if they understand the rules of the game.  Some think they are the stars of the club because they get a lot of attention.  Perhaps it would be better to just think of yourself as another component to the lifestyle.  Although we bring an added element to the lifestyle, the lifestyle could easily exist without us.

Nobody ever asks what single men are looking for in the club.  Why the double standard?  It seems a question I hear often regarding unicorns.   I am looking for sex just like they are.  I just happen to prefer the no strings attached variety.  I don’t want you to call me in the morning.  Really, I don’t.  More often that not, I also don’t want to play with you again.  It was fun once but I am not looking to repeat the experience regardless of how awesome it might have been.  I am not looking for you to cuddle with me or tell me how beautiful I am.  Please do not tell me about your problems and I will not bother you with mine.  The truth is, I don’t really care, I just want to enjoy my night out.

I do like to try new things and am very open minded.  Sometimes that seems to make some women feel  a little threatened.  I am not a slut or a whore because I am a sexual person.  When I was in a relationship I did not feel as free to explore things as I do now.  Perhaps that is why it is hard for you to relate, but that doesn’t really give you the right to judge.

People have asked me many times why I am not out looking for someone of my own.  It is a valid question but again, I am enjoying being by myself.  When I am ready to be in a relationship, I can assure you I will not be fishing for someone in a swing club.  Perhaps one day I will meet a nice single guy at a lifestyle event but who knows.  For now, I am very happy to be a unicorn and have no plans to change that any time soon.

 

Swingers: Why is it a secret that you are in the lifestyle?

Why do swingers feel the need to keep their lifestyle a secret?  I frequently hear people say that nobody knows that they are in the lifestyle.  They would die if someone found out.   Why is that?  At first I wondered if these people were very religious, but they are not.  I wondered if their children were at an age that it would create confusion and uncertainty, but they are not.  Do they think they are doing something criminal or unethical?  They do not.  Hmm.  Would exposure embarrass them?   This question got a nod.   Embarrassed, why?

Admitting that you are a swinger should be a lot less traumatic than admitting you are having an affair, no?  After all, one is cheating and lying to someone you say you are in love with, the other is not.  Swingers are out having a great time, enjoying parties and events that others can only dream of.  Cheaters are sneaking around, worrying that at any moment they will be caught, which would certainly disrupt their lives and the lives of those around them.

I wonder how many swingers are truly living this lifestyle unbeknownst to their friends and family.  Probably not nearly as many as believe they are.  Often times I watch swingers arrive at a club clad in an over sized trench coat in the middle of the summer.  When I ask these women if their family or neighbors don’t find this strange they say they don’t think so.  Really?  It’s 90 degrees outside and you leave your house or condo wearing a trench coat cinched at the waste with stiletto heels and nobody thinks that’s odd?

Many swingers have said that when they finally decided to reveal the truth about their lifestyle, their friends and family members were not surprised.  Many said they had known about it for years but understood the swinger couple wanted to keep it to themselves.  (If these were the trench coat women, it’s no wonder people knew.)

What about the family and friends who were told, who did not know anything or suspect anything about the lifestyle?  Were they shocked and appalled?  Not according to the people I have spoken with.  Most said that more than anything, they were curious about swinging.  They asked a lot of questions but did not seem to have a negative reaction.  Many couples said that both friends and many family members (mostly siblings), eventually asked if they could tag along one night to see what it was all about.

Swingers would be surprised (or maybe not) to learn how connected the lifestyle is; even for people in some type of lifestyle related business.  The industry is comprised of the most friendly, warm and helpful group of people.  All of us have one goal, and that is to unite the lifestyle community. Most people I work with all say the same thing:  I am more interested in connecting people in the lifestyle than in making money.  Sure, it is a business, but it is also very personal.  Who wouldn’t want to be associated with such a genuine group of people?  Most of them have said that their families and friends know they are swingers and take it in stride.  They felt no judgement when they told others about it and feel completely comfortable that people know.

Like any other group, in order to gain acceptance, we must learn to stand up for what we believe in.  Swingers should not be ashamed of their lifestyle.  Obviously it is not necessary to divulge what you do when you are at a swing club, or party or other event, any more than you would give blow by blow (pun intended) details to others about what you and your significant other do in your bedroom.  No need to reveal that you participated in a gang bang with 15+ men last Saturday or tried double penetration for the first time and loved it.  Many swingers don’t swap, and many people in the lifestyle are not swingers.  Enjoying the warm atmosphere that accompanies the lifestyle is a wonderful thing and people should not have to hide from it.

There are many well known actors and singers who are open about their lifestyle choices and for some reason, people find this ‘normal’ and acceptable.  Why?  Why are they held to a different standard than the rest of us.  Because they are famous?   Even with their disclosure they are still sought after and some of them are highly influential people.

Revealing to others that you are open minded should not be a negative thing.  After all, if you think about it, being a part of the lifestyle really doesn’t mean more than that.   If your children or parents told you the same thing, would it concern you?  Sure, at first it might come as a surprise but would you be upset or concerned?  Probably not.

When we initially came up with the concept for the jewelry, we had just this vision in mind.  Wear the jewelry with pride.  First of all, others do not know what it means.  Secondly, even if they did, what does it really say about you?  That you are open minded, nothing more.

Let’s continue the movement to unite the lifestyle.  There is a lot to be learned from people who choose to be apart of it.  Honesty, respect and fun are the three hallmarks of the lifestyle.  What could be better than that?

Love does play a role in swinging but not in the way people might imagine.

Couple in love wearing Partners ID jewelry
Couple in love wearing Partners ID jewelry

When we think about swinging, we do not think about love. The purpose of swinging is to have fun. To find another couple or a single man or woman to fulfill a fantasy. Sex is a physical act and does not require love to participate. Swinging equates to sex without love whereas a marriage incorporates love and sex.

To people who are not in the lifestyle, it is a very difficult concept for them to grasp. They frequently ask if couples in the lifestyle if they are afraid that their partner could fall in love with someone else. Sure, anything is possible, but you do not have to be a swinger to be at risk of falling in love with someone else.

Swinging has nothing to do with love. Swingers do not seek out the lifestyle to find a partner to share their life with. Single swingers might be looking for someone who shares their lifestyle views but couples are not there for this reason.

Vanilla couples cannot understand how swingers do not get jealous when they see their partner with someone else but it always reminds me of something from the Bible. The following is a part of the passage, not the entire thing: (I am not religious, or Catholic, but this always comes to mind):

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy, it does not put on airs, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. So Faith, Hope and Love abide these three; But the Greatest of these is Love.”

In my opinion, the only role love plays in swinging, is between the couple that decides together that they would like to explore the  lifestyle.  You love your partner enough to give them the freedom to partake in things they otherwise could not, and you find joy in seeing them enjoy those things.  You have faith in your partner; you allow them to play because you are sure they will come back to you.   You are able to express love for each other by forging your own path.  You do not allow others to dictate to you what is normal.  Although society equates love with monogamy, you choose to define love your own way and you know the love between you and your partner is mutually exclusive.  You hope that your love is forever and that these experiences will only enrich your lives.

There is no love between couples that play but there can be infatuation or lust.  How can you love someone that you don’t really know?  The person who shows up at parties or swing clubs or on vacations or cruises allows you to see only a small part of who they are.  The real person is the one who has to get up for work in the mornings; the person who has to clean up after their children or their dog.  The true person is not always dancing and having fun but paying bills and dealing with stress.  Until you know that person, how can you really know that you love them?

The part of swinging that makes it so enjoyable is that we get to dress up, have a few drinks, dance or socialize then move onto the swinging aspect.  Spending an evening with swingers is like going out on New Year’s Eve.  It’s always a big party, but is that real life?  It is an awful lot of fun and the environment lends itself to getting hot for other people, but that is the whole point.  We go into swing clubs looking for others to spend a few hours with but not our lives.

If people in the lifestyle were not able to separate sex and love, swinging could not exist.  It is the rare couple who can find that delicate balance and make it work.  If couples were constantly falling in love with each other, swing clubs would be empty.  Who would want to risk their relationship for an evening of fun?
The most important thing is to keep perspective.  Having sex with someone else is just for a moment of pleasure, whereas being in a committed relationship is hopefully for a lifetime.

Lifestyle jewelry makes it so easy to find other swingers; just ask this bartender!

Handsome bartender wearing Partners ID bracelet
Handsome bartender wearing Partners ID bracelet

 

 

Dear Partners ID,

I’m not much of a letter writer but after reading some of the other letters people sent about how they met others because of your jewelry I figured I’d give it a shot.

I am a 38 year old single man and I used to swing with my long term girlfriend. We live pretty close to a swing club and we used to spend a lot of time there. After we broke up I was not comfortable going alone so I have pretty much been out of the lifestyle since our breakup last year.

I do have a profile on Kasidie but single guys have a hard time simply because of the sheer number of them. When I meet women and try to talk about the lifestyle, it doesn’t go over very well.

I took a vacation a few months ago to Desire (brought a girl I was seeing, very bad idea), and discovered your jewelry. I had actually heard about it but didn’t realize that I was the perfect candidate to wear it. I saw quite a few people wearing it and decided to buy a bracelet. I like it a lot and whenever I have worn it I get a lot of compliments on it.

I work in a very busy bar in downtown Houston. The bar is a hangout for locals and on the weekends packs a big crowd. Last Thursday night I was working and two couples were doing shots of whiskey when one of the women asked to see my bracelet. As I turned my wrist to give her a closer look she slipped a card in my hand. It was a personal card with their SDC screen name and your logo! I laughed and she told me they were having a house party the following weekend and wanted me to come.

It was that simple! I couldn’t believe how easy that was. After all this time of looking and trying to find a way to get back into the lifestyle! Needless to say I am going to this party and just wanted to thank you!

Happy Holidays!

AJ

How can you tell if another couple wants to swing with you?

A couple and single girl at a bar wearing Partners ID Jewelry
A couple and single girl at a bar wearing Partners ID Jewelry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Swinging can sometimes feel like dating.  Remember in the past when you met someone and then spent a fair amount of time wondering if they liked you?  Then you tried to decide if they liked you, or liked you liked you.   The only difference now, is that usually, swingers are couples looking for other couples.  Although it sounds so simple, it is not.  Instead of the traditional one person seeking out another, it is now one couple (2 people) looking for another couple (2 more people).  That equals four people who must all be on the same page.  It might not sound that complicated but it can be.

The other part of this equation is wondering when you do meet other swingers, how to know which couples wants to swing with you.  That too, can be complicated.  When you are dealing with a couple, maybe the man likes you but his wife doesn’t like your husband (or vice versa).  The problems with four people are multiplied dramatically so it’s important to pay attention to signs and signals that other couples are giving you.

Swing clubs are a great place to meet other couples (or singles) to swing with. They have a sexy, night club atmosphere and most of the people who are there, are there to swing. This does not mean, however, that every couple you meet wants to swing with you. So how can you tell who is and who is not interested?

Most adults have learned that when they are in a social situation, they should be friendly and warm. We were taught to be polite and smile. If someone talks to us, we should have the common courtesy to listen and even join in the conversation. People in swing clubs, tend to be very friendly and welcoming to each other. So with all this smiling and kindness, how can we distinguish between people are who being polite and people who are interested in having sex?

For some couples, it’s not that hard to figure out, whereas for others, they seem to have no clue at all (think Sheldon Cooper). Here is a little quiz to help you determine if you are on the right track to finding other couples to play with:

You are sitting at the bar and a couple walks over. They are trying to get the bartenders attention and since you are sitting there, they say hello. You and your significant other find them attractive so you try to engage them in conversation. They are friendly and answer your questions but as soon as the bartender hands them their drinks, they turn and walk away. Now, this should be an easy one…
This couple is interested, you have a shot: True or False

(False, clearly, they are not interested.)

Let’s try another, shall we? A couple is seated next to you on a couch. They seem friendly and you strike up a conversation with them. The husband answers your questions but the wife is not paying any attention. She is busy watching people on the dance floor. While you are talking to him, the husband turns and asks his wife if she wants to dance. They pop up and leave for the dance floor. Hm, what do you think?
A. They will be back in a few minutes and we will have another chance to win them over?

B. We have no shot let’s go find another couple.

If you chose A, you should probably keep reading until the end!

How about this situation: a couple approaches you while you are at the bar and asks if anyone is sitting in the seats next to you. You say no and the couple sits down. They introduce themselves and tell you it’s their first time in this club. They are friendly and you are encouraged that maybe this can work. You talk with them for a while and they get up to go and dance. After a few songs, they return to their seats next to you. A couple sits down on the other side of them and they turn to engage in conversation with them. You and your significant other walk around to join the two couples in conversation. They continue talking while you stand there. You don’t want to be rude so you patiently wait for them to introduce you to this couple. After a few minutes, nobody attempts to bring you into the conversation. You decide to go back to your seats at the bar.
No problem, in a few minutes they will turn back and chat with us.

B. Not looking good, they were just being friendly.
Don’t wait too long for this couple, it seems they have found a couple they prefer.

You meet a couple standing along side the dance floor. You try to engage them in conversation and although the wife is friendly, the husband is looking around while you are talking to him. He answers your questions but doesn’t ask you any. A few times you even had to repeat yourself because he didn’t hear you. His wife grabs his hand while you are talking to her.
She’s hot and she’s friendly. She will persuade him to be with us.

B. Finding couples is harder than we thought. Let’s move on.

It’s B! When she grabbed his hand, she was trying to tell you something… He showed a clear disinterest from the get go.
You decide to dance and are enjoying the time with your wife. You notice a couple watching you and smiling. When you leave the dance floor they approach you at the bar. They are friendly and she greets you with a kiss on the cheek. The man is attentive to your wife and his wife is attentive to you. She plays with her hair while laughing at your jokes.

This is it! We might actually have a chance with this couple!

B. They are just being friendly, I’m not sure if they really have any interest.

I hope you chose A! This was a gimme, a no brainer.

Believe it or not, we see this all the time. Couples who hang around when there is no chance what so ever that the couple they are clinging to have any interest in them. Sometimes all it really requires, is to pay close attention to what their body language is saying. If someone is standing with their arms crossed and a forced smile on their face, that should tell you that they are not interested. If someone touches you or is engaged in what you say, that’s a good sign. If they turn towards you and have a genuine (not fake) smile, think positive! If the person you are talking to is not making eye contact, walk away. If someone likes you, they will make you feel comfortable and important. They will be present in the moment with you. They will ask you questions and listen carefully to what you have to say. If someone is busy looking around to see what else is available, that means they have no real desire to be with you.

Although we always stress how important communication is, in this type of situation, nobody will tell you that they are not interested, it is just too rude. They will, however, do whatever they can with their body language to let you know. Non verbal cues are all you are going to get to let you know when a coupe is or is not interested. All you have to do, is pay attention to what it is they are trying to say.

Swinging should be fun but figuring out who wants to swing with you can sometimes be confusing! The more experience you have in the lifestyle the easier it will become! Good luck!

Swinger photos falling into the wrong hands can be awfully embarrassing!

Swinger women wearing Patners ID jewelry shocked at the computer screen
Swinger women wearing Patners ID jewelry shocked at the computer screen
Taking photos is a wonderful way to capture memories of every kind.  From the day we are born, the cameras start flashing to ensure memories of this special event.  We embrace our photos as prized possessions and something tangible to remind us of the  good times in our lives.  Birthdays, graduations, vacations with our families, holidays and good times with our friends.
 Swingers are no different, but their collections of photos are of a different kind.  Swingers seem to take quite a bit of illicit photos of themselves.  Check Facebook, twitter, Instagram or swinger websites and you will be inundated with more nude and pornographic photos than you can imagine.  Part of the fun of taking these photos is sharing them with your swinger friends, right?
 It is also common for swinger couples who have been speaking over the internet to request pictures of each other prior to meeting them.  It seems only logical then that you would choose email to send it.  No big deal, right?  You pick out some face shots and look through your photos to find that perfect sexy shot of the two of you engaged in some kind of sex act.  Maybe you like the one where you are giving your husband a blowjob while a big black male is behind you.  Type up your email, address it and push send.  What could be simpler?  Although it should be a simple and private way to communicate, we are human and computers do not always seem to be on the same page we are.
Swinger woman playing with herself wearing Partners ID bracelet
Swinger woman playing with herself wearing Partners ID bracelet
Sometimes the computer seems to magically change recipients without our knowledge.  I am sure it has happened to everyone:  you intend a message to go to one person and somehow it ends up going to someone else.  Although it can be a hassle and sometimes annoying, this particular type of scenario is a whole lot worse than that if you are a swinger.  You push send and as soon as your finger hits the button you notice that the email is not addressed to your new friends at all but rather to your father!  OMG!  This actually happened to a swinger we know.
How about when your friends bring you into a group text message.  You and your vanilla friends agree on where to go for lunch or share some gossip about someone you all know.  We all have these group texts.  Not a problem until you decide to share some erotic photos with the swinger couple you played with the previous evening, and it accidentally gets sent out in a group text.  There’s really nothing you can say, because as we have heard, a picture is worth a thousand words.  Can you even imagine the conversation about you between your vanilla friends?  I shudder to think about it.
A couple was celebrating New Year’s Eve in a swing club and told their children they were heading out for a romantic dinner.  The club looked so beautiful they could not resist asking someone to take a picture of them against the festive backdrop.  They looked at the picture in the club that night and liked it so much they sent it right out to their children.  What they did not notice until the next day was that in the background was a monitor with porn.   There was nothing they could think of to explain this.
Another couple celebrated Halloween in a swing club and loved their clever costume.  They asked a friend to take a photo of them and as they posed for the photo, a friend joined in for the shot.  They also looked at the photo and thought it was adorable.  The next day they met her parents for dinner and took out their phone to show them their cute costume.  When they enlarged the picture, they realized the girl who joined in the shot had pulled her top down and her breasts were exposed.  It is very hard to think of what to say in these situations to somehow make things sound normal.
It seems that as long as swingers are snapping pictures of themselves and each other in compromising positions, there will always be the possibility of a mishap.  It keeps things interesting, no?

Why are we swingers? The question should be, why aren’t you swingers?

Happy swingers embracing both wearing Partners ID jewelry
Happy swingers embracing both wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Swingers generally believe that they are keeping their lifestyle a secret.  They go about their lives in the vanilla world with their children and their jobs waiting for the weekends.  Suddenly, as the weekend arrives, these regular Jones change into party animals.  You can spot them by the clothing they wear and the smiles on their faces.  Most swingers I know, anxiously await the time to leave their homes for their night out.

Don’t get me wrong, all through the week swingers are mentally planning their next adventure whether it be a meet and greet, hotel takeover, visit to a swing club or a night at a private party.   Women are planning what they will wear and men are stocking up on their liquor of choice (swing events are almost always bring your own bottle).  They might outwardly appear to be regular people, with regular lives, but come the weekend, all bets are off!

At some point, many swingers come to the realization that perhaps their private life is not such a secret after all.  It might be a family member or close friend who mentions that they have been aware for some time that the two of you are swingers.  It might be the way people look at you or subjects they talk to you about.  Sometimes people will not come right out and confront you but will drop subtle hints hoping you will start the dialogue.  Whatever the case, if you are active in the lifestyle, chances are, some people close to you have figured it out.

Ok, so now someone has confronted you and you figure what the heck, I will fess up.  The first question they are likely to ask is: why are you swingers?

This is the best question ever!  I would probably respond by saying, “How much time do you have?”

The reasons that bring people into the lifestyle are probably not the reasons that keep them there.  Many people enter the lifestyle because they are curious or would like to play out their fantasies or see their partner do something while they watch.  Those are not really the reasons people stay in the lifestyle.   Once you know what is behind that door, if you are like most people, you don’t want to close it!

So why are we swingers?  Let’s see… before we were in the lifestyle, our weekends were pretty predictable.  Friday nights were usually met with the same “what do you want to do tonight” followed by the same question on Saturday night.  It’s not that we didn’t have a social life,  we did, and we had plenty of friends.  However, how many weekends can you spend going out for dinner or a movie?  Parties?  Most parties were for birthdays or holidays, but not really more than that.  When we did have these weekly dinners with friends what did we talk about?  Almost every time we would talk about our children and perhaps work.  Occasionally, something more exciting like a current event or the new nail girl somebody had found.  Thrilling, right?

Enter, the lifestyle…  What do we now do on weekends?  Go to parties or swing clubs every single Friday and Saturday night.  What do we talk about with our lifestyle friends?  Sex!  Well, not just sex, we talk about everything.  We are open and honest about our lives and our relationships.  We talk openly about what we do both in our bedroom and in the backroom.  We talk about new sex toys and tasty lubes.  We talk about where we shop for our club clothes and stiletto heels.  We talk about what we did with our friends’ husbands and we laugh often!  We spend time planning lifestyle vacations and the more friends we meet while there, the better!  We have sleepovers and weekday excursions whenever possible.

Why are we swingers?  Because our lives have never been more fun or full!  It is like being a teenager all over again but without all the drama!  We dance and party until all hours of the night and whatever  we do on any given night is over when we walk out the door.  It becomes a fun memory to be rehashed over breakfast with our significant other the next morning.  There is nothing quite like sharing a naughty secret with your significant other!  The looks you give each other and the snickers between the two of you are priceless.  You become partners in crime and it does wonders for a relationship.

The lifestyle is all about fun!  So the next time someone discovers you are a swinger and they ask why, I would ask them “why not?!”

Newbies tend to have a perception of swingers that is not always accurate.

Newbie swinger woman toasting friends wearing Partners ID jewelry
Newbie swinger woman toasting friends wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Newbies is a term  swingers use which refers to people who are new to the lifestyle.  The word “newbie” is not a new term and is even listed in the merriam-webster dictionary:

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/newbie

One of the wonderful things about the lifestyle is the variety of people it attracts.  People from all walks of life are swingers.   We were approached recently by a couple on a beach who spotted our flag and wanted to ask about the lifestyle. (Glad the flag works!)

They have never been in any type of lifestyle environment ( which is why we use the term “newbies”) and thought the nude beach might help them get some information about swing clubs and swinger resorts.  They were smart because there are many swingers that frequent the nude beach.  They had no idea how to know who was a swinger so the flag came in handy for that!  The woman (who was wearing a rather conservative one piece bathing suit) was very apprehensive about the type of women she would find in a swing club.  She somehow felt she would not measure up to swing club standards.  The man did not seem particularly concerned with this and it should come as no surprise that she was in better shape than he.  I suppose it is normal to have preconceived notions about what you will see on your first trip to a swing club and newbies are never sure if they will fit in.  She went on to explain that she is not as thin as she was, or in as good shape as she was 20 years ago.  She was afraid that all the women in a swing club or at a resort such as Desire or Secrets Hideaway would be perfect tens and that would intimidate her.  She was concerned that they would all ooze sexuality and she was still raising children and did not really consider herself particularly sexy.  She mentioned that she is not good with hair and make up and prefers a more natural look.  How could she ever compete with all of the glamorous women with perfect hair, make up and bodies?

I was not sure why her perception of swing clubs was like this but we spent a good hour talking to them about the realities of lifestyle venues and what types of people you will find.  We assured her that in any given swing club you will see a very broad spectrum of both men and women.   It is possible you will spot a woman you think is the perfect model, but isn’t beauty in the eye of the beholder?  Every man I have ever met has different taste when it comes to women.  Some look at breasts, some at legs, some at the face, some like certain hair and others like a combination of things.  Some men like very thin women and some like very large women, so how can we decide who is a perfect ten?  I told her if she is concerned that she will find a bunch of Victoria Secret models walking around the club, she is worried for nothing.  Every swing club and swinger resort we have ever been to has been made up of all types of women.  Tall, short, fat, thin, beautiful blown out hair styles, wet matted hair, curly, straight, long and short hair, big boobs, small boobs, no boobs, beautiful dresses, jeans, shorts, fishnets, you name it.  Some women wear 6″ stilettos and others sport flip flops.  Some women have had plastic surgery and some seem not to be interested in  the shape or size of their bodies.   There is no particular style or trend in any club I have ever been to.  In my opinion, women should never worry that they won’t “measure up” in a swing club because there are all types of women.

The same goes for men.  Men come in all shapes and sizes.  You will find some men with hair, some without, some well dressed, some not.  Some men have big bellies, some have big muscles; some are well endowed and some are not.  The beauty of the lifestyle is everyone can play.  Swingers do not seem to notice the color of anyone’s hair or skin and they seem unconcerned with what you do for a living.  Bring a smile and a warm, open attitude and anyone can have a good time.

Life is too short to worry about what others might think.  The beauty of the lifestyle is the variety of people you will meet and how the majority of people are just there to have a good time.  Nobody cares what you are wearing or if your makeup is perfect.  Wear what makes you comfortable and bring a positive attitude.

The couple seemed happy to hear that they would fit in just fine but before they left I did offer her a small piece of advice:  After years of raising children and leaving your “sexy self” behind, you will shocked to see how fast it will return when you enter a swing club.  Find what makes you feel good and wear it with pride.  The only person you should want to impress is your husband and the same goes for him.  As for the people in the club?  They will like you if you are friendly, that’s all you need to fit in!

Ok, fine, I’m a slut, a whore and a nymphomaniac. But, you should know, I’m very satisfied!

Slutty woman in underwear wearing Partners ID belly ring
Slutty woman in underwear wearing Partners ID belly ring

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Slut is a word we are all familiar with.  We heard it used a lot in high school to shame girls who had sex with too many guys.  It did not occur to me in those years that we did not have a term for the males who were doing the same thing.

I stumbled upon an article the other day which was talking about the number of sexual partners people have had over the course of their lifetime, and what it says about them.

https://onlinedoctor.superdrug.com/whats-your-number/

The article is actually quite interesting and at the same time a bit alarming. As a swinger, reading that the general population thinks that the ideal number of past sexual partners for both men and women is 7, concerns me.  Seven?! Seriously?! I know people who have sex with 7 different people in one night!

My immediate reaction to the notion that a new man in my life would want to hear that I have only slept with 7 men prior to him, was that I felt a little nauseous. I think I had slept with 7 guys before I graduated from college. What does this mean? I was (and still am) a total slut?  Probably, but lucky for me, my husband appreciates the fact that I love sex as much as he does.

I don’t think anyone would be surprised to learn that both men and women tended to change their true numbers slightly (at their own admission). Men tended to say they have had sex with more women than they actually have, while women tended to say they have had sex with less partners than they have. It is a surprise to me that in the year 2017 people are still so antiquated in their thinking. Men want to be with women who love sex, but they don’t want to be with women who have been too sexually active or who are too experienced.

Perhaps because I have been married for a long time I have lost touch with single stigmas, but come on people, this is 2017. Many people in their 50s, 60s and 70s are part of the baby boomer population. They believe in sex, drugs and rock and roll, don’t they? This generation was having sex, and a lot of it, back in the 60s and 70s. You mean to tell me they were part of this survey? I think not.

I also would have imagined that we were no longer holding women to a different standard than men. We still think men are studs when they have many conquests while women remain sluts for doing the same. We pat men on the back for their accomplishments in bed while we shake our heads in disdain at the women with whom they are doing this. Every time I think we’ve come a long way (baby) I discover that perhaps we really have not. Even the terms we are still using to describe sexually adventurous women versus men have remained unchanged in the way one degrades the woman, while the other praises the man. According to Wikipedia, the term slut is as follows:

Slut is generally a term for a woman or girl who is considered to have loose sexual morals or who is sexually promiscuous.[1][2] It is usually used as an insult, sexual slur or offensive term of disparagement (slut shaming).[2][3] It originally meant “a dirty, slovenly woman”,[2] and is rarely used to refer to men, generally requiring clarification by use of the terms male slut or man whore.

Today, the term slut has a pervasive presence in popular culture and pornography, but is almost exclusively used to describe women. An exact male equivalent of the term does not exist. The lack of a comparably popular term for men highlights the double standard in societal expectations (gender roles) between males and females, as negative terms for sexually promiscuous males are rare.[5][14]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slut

This is one of the reasons why swinging and the lifestyle are such wonderful outlets. Nobody is judging anyone within the lifestyle. If you love sex, good for you! Curious to try something new? This is the place! Judge free zone! Everyone is free to explore their fantasies. In all of the years that I have been in the lifestyle, I have never heard anyone put a woman down for sleeping with too many men. Even the women who like gang bangs and trains. Most people just shrug their shoulders and say whatever she’s into to, glad she’s having fun.

For swingers, the standards set by the general population do not apply. Men in the lifestyle are not really interested in women who do not want to play. People are in the lifestyle for this purpose! Sexually open women are the norm, as are the sexually adventurous women.  Men seem drawn to the women who exude sex as they are certain that it will prove to be an enjoyable experience.  As far as asking about or caring about how many sexual partners someone has had?  I’ve never heard anyone discuss this within the confines of the lifestyle. Truth is, most people would probably laugh and say, “I have no idea, I lost count!”

It fascinates me that men who are not in the lifestyle prefer women who have slept with (at most) 7 partners. They feel that more than that signifies a promiscuous woman. What the survey did not discuss was a woman’s age. What if she’s 50 and has never been married? I hope these men are open to the thought that their partner to be likes to masturbate. Or, open to the notion that this partner does not like sex. Either way, how do you put a number on something like this, and more importantly who are they to judge?

Women also think the magic number of previous partners for men is 7. For a man who is 25, I can see the how this number is probably fair game. If the man is 40, I’m not so sure.

I think I can speak for most people in the lifestyle when I say that the number 7 made me laugh out loud when I heard it. Most real swingers who spend every weekend (and for some 1 or more nights a week) in a lifestyle venue of some sort, would probably agree that they hit that magic number often; some after a few weeks, others after a few months.

Does this make all the women in the lifestyle a bunch of sluts?  Probably to those who choose not to be in the lifestyle. What about the men? I imagine they would simply call the men in the lifestyle “lucky”. For those who are in the lifestyle, I sincerely doubt they care. They are usually both very happy in their relationship with their significant other and with their decision to swing. I suppose if any of us find ourselves single and being asked our “number,” we have two choices: lie or look for another swinger!

Halloween in the lifestyle; why wearing a costume could help make your night the best ever!

Sexy swinger dressed for Halloween with Partners ID necklace
Sexy swinger dressed for Halloween with Partners ID necklace

Boo!

It’s getting close to Halloween; what are you planning to dress up as this year?  A policeman, Little Red Ridinghood maybe a schoolgirl?

People frequently ask us what we will be dressed as for Halloween.  Naturally our answer is always the same; swingers of course!  No, we are not party poopers and we have come up with some pretty clever costume ideas over the years.  What we have noticed, is that there are many people who take this opportunity to dress up in a way that makes them unrecognizable to others and we believe that there is a reason they do this.
Some people in the lifestyle are extremely outgoing and have no problem approaching other couples.  Every chance they get, they mingle and flirt and generally know most of the people at any  party by the end of the evening.  Then there are others who are too shy or insecure to approach other couples.  This holiday is a perfect opportunity for them to come out of their shells by hiding behind a costume.
Think about it, if you are wearing a mask and people cannot identify you, do you not feel bolder?   If you approach a couple and you are wearing a mask, chances are they will be very friendly because they are not sure whether or not they know you.  This is exactly what we have observed occurring every Halloween.  There are always a few couples wearing the kind of costume that makes it impossible to guess who they are.  It is very possible that some of these masked guests are new to the lifestyle. They are taking the opportunity to visit a swing club and remain anonymous.

Whatever the case, if you are one of those “shy” people, perhaps this is the perfect time for you to take advantage and go after what you want!  There are women in the lifestyle who always wear a wig when they are at a lifestyle event.  They claim they have more confidence because people do not recognize them and they like it that way.  Costumes are also a good conversation starter.  Complimenting others on how clever they are or how perfect their costume is makes it easy to open the dialogue.  Once you have begun a conversation it is easy to introduce yourselves and ask the other couple questions about themselves.

 The other interesting part of dressing up for Halloween is noticing costume choices.  I cannot help but observe that some of the quieter more shy couples take advantage of this holiday by wearing outrageous costumes.  Some choose the very provocative, sexy costumes.  Many of the timid girls tend to go for the slutty look and the men frequently focus on calling attention to their genitals in one way or another.  It always makes me wonder if they wish they could be more sexually open on regular lifestyle nights.
Even the play areas during Halloween seem busier than usual.  Many couples keep their masks on, and again, seem more determined than usual, to go after what they what.  Somehow, the use of masks in the play area is reminiscent of the movie Eyes Wide Shut ( a 1999 erotic drama film) starring Tom Cruise.
Whatever the case may be, whatever your costume of choice, tonight is the night to be bold and go for what you want.  Costumes allow us all the freedom to be someone else for an evening.  What could be more liberating than that?