People who are not in the lifestyle, equate swinging with infidelity. Obviously, for people who swing, this is absolutely untrue. According to dictionary.com. infidelity means:
It is not uncommon to hear people who are not in the lifestyle to question why couples swing. Besides that they imagine swingers to be perverted deviants, their perception of swingers is really off. They have a hard time understanding why people would be open to having sex with someone other than their spouse. More than that, they cannot fathom why swingers do not get upset with the fact that their significant others are doing this.
Let’s consider this: if a department store invited you to visit anytime, and take what you needed for free, would you ever feel the need to steal something from them? Silly question right? How can you steal something if they are giving it to you for free? Let’s say you are in school and need help on an exam and the teacher tells you anytime you don’t know an answer to just ask her and she will tell you. Would you need to copy off someone’s paper? What would be the point? The teacher has already offered the free help, right? It is the same in the lifestyle. Your partner offers to let you swing with other people, why would you need to do this behind their back? That is not to say that it never happens because it probably does, but what it is the point?
It is very common when you speak with swingers to hear how surprised they were when they first entered the lifestyle to discover how in love swingers seemed to be. It was exactly the opposite of what they had imagined. If couples were so in love, what drove them into the lifestyle? The best answer is probably honesty.
The relationship between a couple who chooses to swing has to be very open and honest. In order to swing, they had to get to the point where they could admit that although they love each other, they would like to try something else. It is normal for couples to fall into a routine or rut with their sex life. Some couples try to spice things up by watching porn, using toys, trying different positions or even going to strip clubs. What happens when that is not enough?
For couples not in the lifestyle, unfortunately, they might look to someone else to fill that void. Infidelity is exceptionally selfish. One person in the couple chooses to find excitement that is lost with their partner while the other partner makes do with the lack of fulfillment. Sometimes both parts of the couple choose to be unfaithful to each other while maintaining the facade of a wonderful marriage. How long can that last?
When you consider the avenue swingers take, it seems more logical and loving. Swinging is something couples do together. They venture into the lifestyle as a couple not to find someone to replace their partner, but to find couples to spice up their sex life. The excitement is something they experience together. The only sneaking around these couples might be engaging in, is from their family and friends. Swinging creates a very strong bond; you are naughty together.
When you consider the freedom that swinging brings to both members of the couple, who would feel the need to cheat? Sure, there are always exceptions, but that shows a true character fault. Generally speaking, swingers would agree that they have no reason to cheat. Swinging helps them to avoid infedelity.
Many couples who have been in the lifestyle for many years reach different levels of comfort with separating while swinging. Some couples have no problem allowing their significant other to play on their own while traveling or with friends they have met in the lifestyle. They talk about how much pleasure they get just from hearing about the escapades of their partners. The only request they make of each other is to tell them about what they do when they play on their own. Some couples never separate and continue their swinging journey side by side. Either way, the degree of trust and freedom is immeasurable compared with those not in the lifestyle.
Everyone is different and perhaps there are couples who never feel the desire to play outside their marriage. It seems that number would be very low when you consider how rampant infidelity is.
My question to those not in the lifestyle is this: why not try to explore together what both of you are secretly wishing for? It is impossible to believe that every married adult at some point has not fantasized about having sex with someone else. A neighbor, a teacher, a coworker, someone famous or your spouse’s best friend. The best part about swinging is that these are no longer secrets or fantasies! You and your partner not only talk about what your sexual fantasies are, you experience them together. What could be more honest and intimate than that? That is what creates such a strong bond between swingers. When you have everything you need at home, why would you need to go elsewhere?
Sex is not simply something that only men enjoy. Women get a tremendous amount of pleasure from it as well. Why do women have such a hard time admitting this?
Why is a woman’s sexuality still such a confusing topic? Why do so many people still believe that women are sexual simply to please men? This stereotype still exists and casts a shadow over women who readily admit that they enjoy sex.
Still, to this day, if a woman says she loves sex, this causes people to make assumptions about her: She’s wild, she’s a whore, she will sleep with anyone, etc. Where does this come from? Why is it when men say they love sex (which they never have to say, it is always assumed) it is taken in stride? It is normal for men to love sex but something is very wrong when a woman does.
I can remember a conversation I had with some friends many years ago. One woman mentioned that it was her husband’s birthday and so she gave him the obligatory blow job that morning. It was something she was only willing to do once a year. I was honestly in shock and blurted out, “Once a year?! I give my husband a blow job every day!” With that comment, all heads turned in unison to stare at me with mouthes wide open. They all thought my husband must be some type of a monster to force me to do this. Force me? I explained that I loved pleasuring him and it turned me on to see him so excited. All four women shook their heads in disbelief and the topic was dropped.
I remember thinking that not one of them believed me when I said I enjoyed it. Thankfully I didn’t tell them we had sex twice a day every day because I love sex. I did wonder, after this conversation, why women had such a hard time believing that another woman could find pleasure in giving her man head. Was I different?
The answer is, yes, I think I am different. Different from many women simply because I am willing to admit that I love sex. While it is certainly possible that not every woman does love it, I do believe that many more women love it than are willing to admit to it. Why do women pretend not to love sex? Certainly it is not always pleasurable if the person you are with is not very good at it. There are however, toys and aids to help. It is also a good idea to guide your partner if they are not good at understanding what you need or what feels good to you. Most men truly want to please their partner and prefer she tell him then leave him guessing. Men also get pleasure from seeing their partner enjoying themselves and getting turned on. If a man feels that a woman is having sex with him out of obligation, he will not enjoy it in the same way.
Many women seem a bit shy to express their desire for sex. Let’s face it, we grew up learning that girls who love sex were dirty and easy. They were thought to be indiscriminate in who they slept with and were willing to do anything to please a guy. It seems nobody ever thought to ask a girl if perhaps she wanted to have sex with guys purely because she enjoyed it.
I love sex but that does not mean that I am not particular about who I will play with. I do not cruise around by day looking to pick up men for a quickie. I am also not a nymphomaniac. There is nothing extraordinary about me. I am a mother, a daughter, sister, employee, and wife who just happens to enjoy sex. You wouldn’t be able to spot me on the street and think: now there’s a woman who loves sex!
The lifestyle seems to be the perfect fit for sexual women. Swinging attracts women with all different types of sexual appetites. It is a safe and comfortable environment for women who love to simply watch others have sex, to the opposite extreme of women who like gang bangs, and everything in between. Nobody is there to judge, and this type of environment allows women to speak and act freely regarding their sexual desires. It can be very liberating for women who always thought they were not normal simply because they love sex.
Prior to entering the lifestyle, most new swingers tend to have the same concern: what if we run into someone we know? Will they tell other people they saw us? It is normal for new swingers to worry about this, especially if they are looking to swing close to home. Some people are well known in their community and even without disclosing their last name, people might readily recognize them. It is normal to be apprehensive before getting started.
Prior to our first visit to a swing club, I was terrified that we would see people we know. As it turned out, we did. We saw four couples that we knew. As soon as I spotted the first couple I grabbed my husband and told him we had to leave. He insisted that it would be fine. Within moments of my spotting one couple, they turned and saw us. They walked right over and welcomed us to the club. They were so warm and clearly happy to see us. They then introduced us to a group of their friends. When I voiced concern about knowing so many people, they assured me that people are very discreet and would never discuss what or who they see at a swing club.
Most swingers will tell you that lifestyle events are filled with many couples but the theme is always the same: what happens in the lifestyle, stays in the lifestyle. Although there are couples who are open with their friends and families about the fact that they swing, the majority of swingers choose to keep this private. Should new swingers worry about those couples talking freely about who they see when they are swinging? Probably not because that would cause people to distrust them and keep their distance.
Many couples look to begin swinging by joining an online site for swingers. It can be a bit daunting when the first thing the site asks the new swingers for is personal information and a photo. Luckily, most sites do not require a photo of your face and names and addresses are used solely for payment purposes. They all offer the option to choose a screen name and to post pictures that you are comfortable with. Many sites offer private photo gallery options which allow you to keep your photos private. To let others view them, you must give them a secret code to unlock the photos. Online swinger sites make finding couples you already know very difficult. Without asking a couple for their screen name, chances are you would not even find them if you looked for them. The same goes for curiosity seekers; first they would have to pay to join, then finding people they know without knowing their screen names would be almost impossible.
While it is true that many swingers shy away from online profiles with no pictures readily available, not all do. Some couples will understand your need for privacy, as many people on these sites have tech savvy children as well. Although people will argue that the site is password protected, some folks out there will still be too worried to post photos.
Swing clubs are always a very easy way to get started in the lifestyle, but again, newbies worry that they will see someone they know. This is always a possibility but again, if you are both at the club, you are both there for the same reason. Chances are, you will become better friends because you already know each other.
What if you are a public figure of some kind? This means other people will know who you are but you will not know who they are. That seems to be the biggest concern of all for well known new swingers. If you are someone who is in a position of power, what if people who work around you in lesser positions spot you. Will they talk about it at work? After all, that would be good gossip. That is always a possibility but again, in order to out you, they have to out themselves. In this case, being friendly and warm will serve you better in the long run. It is less likely that people will talk about you if they like you.
There is never any guarantee that people will not somehow discover your secret life but that should not keep you from enjoying the lifestyle. There are so many wonderful people who swing and they are not really interested in who you are outside of the lifestyle. They, like you, are there to have a good time. Life is too short to always worry ‘what if’!
Is swinging merely friends expressing their friendship sexually?
We get a lot of emails not only our customers, but from people who are curious about swinging. We recently received an email from someone who could not understand the dynamics of swinging. Sadly, like so many people who are not in the lifestyle, they wondered if every friendship swingers enter into was ultimately with the hope of swinging.
I can hear every swinger around the world groaning, and believe me, I feel your pain. First of all, swingers are not sexual deviants disguised as normal people. (Perhaps some are, but not most.) Even when swingers go to a swing club, lifestyle resort or party, most are not open to playing with everyone at the club or event. Just like vanilla people, swingers choose to be with people that turn them on. Believe it or not, even if they find a vanilla friend or coworker attractive, they will not pursue them for sex. It simply does not work like this.
I remember my husband confiding in a close vanilla friend, years ago, that we were in the lifestyle. What do you think his first question was? He wanted to know if my husband and I had talked about having sex with he and his wife. Now this was awkward. The truth is, we had never even thought about it. They are nice people, but since they are not swingers, it never came up in conversation. Believe it or not, he seemed insulted by the answer. Who’s crazy now?
What we discovered is that although vanilla people don’t want you to hit on them, they want to believe that you would be sexually attracted to them if they were swingers. (Shaking my head.)
The second question was whether or not we had interest in anyone in our circle of vanilla friends. Again, no, we never thought about it.
Swingers will tell you that if they do not get a radar reading about another person or couple being active in the lifestyle, chance are, they are not thinking about having sex with them. That is not to say that swingers never fantasize about friends and coworkers, but that is different from contemplating hitting on them!
Back to the original question: is swinging merely friends expressing their friendship sexually?
Many swingers have lifestyle friends that they do not have sex with. They enjoy their company, as you would any vanilla friend, but they are not attracted to each other. Sometimes you are strictly sexually attracted to a couple but have nothing else in common. You play with them but do not seek them out socially. Swinging is a lot like dating. With some people you hit it off and the chemistry is right so there is sex. With others, there is no chemistry, but yet you enjoy each other’s company so perhaps remain friends. Still then, there are people with whom you have chemistry with but little else in common.
Swinging is really not such a complicated phenomenon. Perhaps the easiest way to think about swinging is like dating for couples. Dating for swingers, however, at times seems like the opposite progression from actual dating. Couples seek out other couples for sex. Sometimes you all enjoy each other’s company and a friendship is born; other times you remain acquaintances and say a quick hello when you see each other. Some couples prefer to follow the same pattern as regular dating: they like to meet couples that they have something in common with and then have sex. The problem is when you are dealing with four personalities, it can be much more complicated to find a good match where everyone is happy.
For this reason, many couples simply look for the sexual chemistry first and the friendship second.
If swinging were merely friends expressing their friendship sexually, swingers would be having sex with all of their lifestyle friends and they are not. What is different about friendships within the lifestyle is that they are sexual in nature. Swingers talk freely about sex and are not shy to be naked in front of each other. What brings them together as friends is their uninhibited attitudes.
For those of you who are asking about the lifestyle I encourage you to check it out. The worst case scenario is that it is not for you. At least this way you know what it is all about and whether or not it is something that interests you. I will say that for people who are curious enough to ask about it, chances are the lifestyle is something you will enjoy!
Swinging can sometimes feel like dating. Remember in the past when you met someone and spent a fair amount of time wondering if they liked you? Then you tried to decide if they liked you, or liked you liked you. The only difference now, is that usually swingers are couples looking for other couples. Although it sounds so simple, it is not. Instead of the traditional one person seeking out another, it is now one couple (2 people) looking for another couple (2 more people). That equals four people who must all be on the same page. It might not sound that complicated but it can be.
The other part of this equation is wondering when you do meet other swingers, how to know which couples want to swing with you. That too, can be complicated. When you are dealing with a couple, maybe the man likes you, but his wife doesn’t like your husband (or vice versa). The problems with four people are multiplied dramatically so it’s important to pay attention to signs and signals that other couples are giving you.
Swing clubs are a great place to meet other couples (or singles) to swing with. They have a sexy, night club atmosphere and most of the people who are there, are there to swing. This does not mean, however, that every couple you meet wants to swing with you. So how can you tell who is and who is not interested?
Most adults have learned that when they are in a social situation, they should be friendly and warm. We were taught to be polite and smile. If someone talks to us, we should have the common courtesy to listen and even join in the conversation. People in swing clubs, tend to be very friendly and welcoming to each other. So with all this smiling and kindness, how can we distinguish between people are who being polite and people who are interested in having sex?
For some couples, it’s not that hard to figure out, whereas for others, they seem to have no clue at all (think Sheldon Cooper). Here is a little quiz to help you determine if you are on the right track to finding other couples to play with:
You are sitting at the bar and a couple walks over. They are trying to get the bartender’s attention and since you are sitting there, they say hello. You and your significant other find them attractive so you try to engage them in conversation. They are friendly and answer your questions but as soon as the bartender hands them their drinks, they turn and walk away. Now, this should be an easy one…
This couple is interested, you have a shot: True or False
(False, clearly, they are not interested.)
Let’s try another, shall we? A couple is seated next to you on a couch. They seem friendly and you strike up a conversation with them. The husband answers your questions but the wife is not paying any attention. She is busy watching people on the dance floor. While you are talking to him, the husband turns and asks his wife if she wants to dance. They pop up and leave for the dance floor. Hm, what do you think?
A. They will be back in a few minutes and we will have another chance to win them over?
B. We have no shot let’s go find another couple.
If you chose A, you should probably keep reading until the end!
How about this situation: a couple approaches you while you are at the bar and asks if anyone is sitting in the seats next to you. You say no and the couple sits down. They introduce themselves and tell you it’s their first time in this club. They are friendly and you are encouraged that maybe this can work. You talk with them for a while and they get up to go and dance. After a few songs, they return to their seats next to you. A couple sits down on the other side of them and they turn to engage in conversation with them. You and your significant other walk around to join the two couples in conversation. They continue talking while you stand there. You don’t want to be rude so you patiently wait for them to introduce you to this couple. After a few minutes, nobody attempts to bring you into the conversation. You decide to go back to your seats at the bar.
A. No problem, in a few minutes they will turn back and chat with us.
B. Not looking good, they were just being friendly.
Don’t wait too long for this couple, it seems they have found a couple they prefer.
You meet a couple standing along side the dance floor. You try to engage them in conversation and although the wife is friendly, the husband is looking around while you are talking to him. He answers your questions but doesn’t ask you any. A few times you even had to repeat yourself because he didn’t hear you. His wife grabs his hand while you are talking to her.
A. She’s hot and she’s friendly. She will persuade him to be with us.
B. Finding couples is harder than we thought. Let’s move on.
It’s B! When she grabbed his hand, she was trying to tell you something… He showed a clear disinterest from the get go.
You decide to dance and are enjoying the time with your wife. You notice a couple watching you and smiling. When you leave the dance floor they approach you at the bar. They are friendly and she greets you with a kiss on the cheek. The man is attentive to your wife and his wife is attentive to you. She plays with her hair while laughing at your jokes.
A. This is it! We might actually have a chance with this couple!
B. They are just being friendly, I’m not sure if they really have any interest.
I hope you chose A! This was a gimme, a no brainer.
Believe it or not, we see this all the time. Couples who hang around when there is no chance what so ever that the couple they are clinging to have any interest in them. Sometimes all it really requires, is to pay close attention to what their body language is saying. If someone is standing with their arms crossed and a forced smile on their face, that should tell you that they are not interested. If someone touches you or is engaged in what you say, that’s a good sign. If they turn towards you and have a genuine (not fake) smile, think positive! If the person you are talking to is not making eye contact, walk away. If someone likes you, they will make you feel comfortable and important. They will be present in the moment with you. They will ask you questions and listen carefully to what you have to say. If someone is busy looking around to see what else is available, that means they have no real desire to be with you.
Although we always stress how important communication is, in this type of situation, nobody will tell you that they are not interested, it is just too rude. They will, however, do whatever they can with their body language to let you know. Non verbal cues are all you are going to get to let you know when a coupe is or is not interested. All you have to do, is pay attention to what it is they are trying to say.
Swinging should be fun but figuring out who wants to swing with you can sometimes be confusing! The more experience you have in the lifestyle the easier it will become! Good luck!
This blog was written for Partners ID by Kennedy M., a single woman in the lifestyle.
Most swingers prefer to keep the fact that they are in the lifestyle to themselves. At times it can be challenging, especially when we find ourselves in situations that are hard to explain. Imagine how hard it would be for vanilla people to wrap their minds around a unicorn!
Not long ago, while taking notes in a board room for an important client, I received an email with a subject line that said it was an important message from Joe (a close friend’s name). I was busy and did not look at the return email address. As soon as we took a break for a few minutes I scrolled down and clicked on it. To my surprise there was a close up picture of a black man’s dick. Before I could click delete, a male coworker was standing behind my chair asking if that was my new boyfriend.
When I am not blogging about my lifestyle experiences I have a job that is quite vanilla; complete with meetings in board rooms and client lunches. For obvious reasons, I do not discuss my private life where I work. When colleagues ask what I did over the weekend, I usually tell them, “The usual; a movie, some dinner” etc. I am single and the company I work for would be horrified if they really knew how I spend my weekends.
I am a unicorn, a single girl in the swinger lifestyle, for those who do not know the term.
I did not discover swinging alone, but found myself single after a lengthy relationship in which we were a swinging couple. I was very much in love with my boyfriend and was heart broken when he ended it with little explanation.
I am not soured by this nor do I hate men. I am, however, wary of putting my heart out there again in fear that I will find myself in the same situation.
When I was finally ready to go back out after the breakup, I returned to a place where I felt very comfortable in the past. My former boyfriend and I were swing club rats and spent at least two nights a week in our local establishment. We had a nice circle of lifestyle friends, many of whom had reached out to me after the break up.
My first night out alone was a little bit scary. I was unsure how I would be received by some of the women. I knew I was not looking to intrude on anyone’s relationship but would they know that? I had never really known any unicorn but had heard some women speaking poorly about them in the past. I did not want that to be me.
For the most part, the women were happy to see me and welcomed me with open arms. One or two seemed a bit uncomfortable with all the attention the men lavished upon me (which I in no way sought out but as most unicorns will admit, it is hard to avoid).
The first few times I went to the club I felt a little awkward. I needed people to make me feel like I belonged there. It didn’t take long for couples (some I knew, some I did not) to ask me to join them in the back room. After a period of time I started receiving invitations to parties. I also started having men ask me to accompany them to the club when their wives were out of town. I have always declined to do this but I do know other unicorns who have no problem with this. Although I knew why I was there, I wasn’t sure others understood why I chose to make a swing club my night life of choice. I overheard women asking each other what exactly I was looking for.
I will tell you “what I was, and still am, looking for.” I love to dance, I love to dress sexy and I love to have fun. I like to meet new people and I love to have sex; both with men and with women. I like the comfort and the warmth of the lifestyle. It’s a great place to go to as you do not need a date, or to make plans with others. You just show up and hang with the people who are there. You can spend an amazing night, have great sex and kiss the other people goodnight. I can go home and sleep alone in my bed. Nobody to answer to. I can stay until 12 midnight or go home at 4am. I can do what I want with no strings attached. If I am looking for some one on one time, there are always single guys who are more than willing to spend the evening with a unicorn. The best part is, I do not have to be alone with them. We can choose a private room to play but I am not in a scary situation with a stranger. If I want to be with a couple, no problem. If I want a gang bang, that’s my choice. The best part for me is that I leave alone. I am not looking for a boyfriend or a husband or anything else. I am looking for a good time. That’s it, that’s all. I can not speak for every unicorn as we are all individuals. I have gotten to know a few who spend time in this swing club and we are not all on the same page. I will not go into the back room with someone else’s husband if she is not in the club to approve. Most of the other girls have no problem with that. I also will not date a married man with or without the wife’s permission. I will only play with someone’s husband if she is present, but even then, I prefer to make it a threesome. Most unicorns I have met don’t really have any rules. They are out for themselves and offer no apologies for what they do. They prefer to be alone for a variety of reasons and although they love the attention they get in the clubs, for the most part, they are not looking for anything more than a good time.
I have tried to imagine how I would feel if there was a unicorn around when my boyfriend and I were together at the club. We did not really know of any at that time so it is hard to say. If unicorns are respectful of other’s relationships then there should never be a problem. I would suggest making sure that if you choose this route you pay a lot of attention to the women. If you are flirting with their husband and ignoring them, this will be a problem for sure. Since you have no one to offer to them, you must flirt with them as a couple. Always try to put yourself in the woman’s shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if the situation were reversed.
Unicorns are a great addition to the lifestyle if they understand the rules of the game. Some think they are the stars of the club because they get a lot of attention. Perhaps it would be better to just think of yourself as another component to the lifestyle. Although we bring an added element to the lifestyle, the lifestyle could easily exist without us.
Nobody ever asks what single men are looking for in the club. Why the double standard? It seems a question I hear often regarding unicorns. I am looking for sex just like they are. I just happen to prefer the no strings attached variety. I don’t want you to call me in the morning. Really, I don’t. More often that not, I also don’t want to play with you again. It was fun once but I am not looking to repeat the experience regardless of how awesome it might have been. I am not looking for you to cuddle with me or tell me how beautiful I am. Please do not tell me about your problems and I will not bother you with mine. The truth is, I don’t really care, I just want to enjoy my night out.
I do like to try new things and am very open minded. Sometimes that seems to make some women feel a little threatened. I am not a slut or a whore because I am a sexual person. When I was in a relationship I did not feel as free to explore things as I do now. Perhaps that is why it is hard for you to relate, but that doesn’t really give you the right to judge.
People have asked me many times why I am not out looking for someone of my own. It is a valid question but again, I am enjoying being by myself. When I am ready to be in a relationship, I can assure you I will not be fishing for someone in a swing club. Perhaps one day I will meet a nice single guy at a lifestyle event but who knows. For now, I am very happy to be a unicorn and have no plans to change that any time soon.
Why do swingers feel the need to keep their lifestyle a secret? I frequently hear people say that nobody knows that they are in the lifestyle. They would die if someone found out. Why is that? At first I wondered if these people were very religious, but they are not. I wondered if their children were at an age that it would create confusion and uncertainty, but they are not. Do they think they are doing something criminal or unethical? They do not. Hmm. Would exposure embarrass them? This question got a nod. Embarrassed, why?
Admitting that you are a swinger should be a lot less traumatic than admitting you are having an affair, no? After all, one is cheating and lying to someone you say you are in love with, the other is not. Swingers are out having a great time, enjoying parties and events that others can only dream of. Cheaters are sneaking around, worrying that at any moment they will be caught, which would certainly disrupt their lives and the lives of those around them.
I wonder how many swingers are truly living this lifestyle unbeknownst to their friends and family. Probably not nearly as many as believe they are. Often times I watch swingers arrive at a club clad in an over sized trench coat in the middle of the summer. When I ask these women if their family or neighbors don’t find this strange they say they don’t think so. Really? It’s 90 degrees outside and you leave your house or condo wearing a trench coat cinched at the waste with stiletto heels and nobody thinks that’s odd?
Many swingers have said that when they finally decided to reveal the truth about their lifestyle, their friends and family members were not surprised. Many said they had known about it for years but understood the swinger couple wanted to keep it to themselves. (If these were the trench coat women, it’s no wonder people knew.)
What about the family and friends who were told, who did not know anything or suspect anything about the lifestyle? Were they shocked and appalled? Not according to the people I have spoken with. Most said that more than anything, they were curious about swinging. They asked a lot of questions but did not seem to have a negative reaction. Many couples said that both friends and many family members (mostly siblings), eventually asked if they could tag along one night to see what it was all about.
Swingers would be surprised (or maybe not) to learn how connected the lifestyle is; even for people in some type of lifestyle related business. The industry is comprised of the most friendly, warm and helpful group of people. All of us have one goal, and that is to unite the lifestyle community. Most people I work with all say the same thing: I am more interested in connecting people in the lifestyle than in making money. Sure, it is a business, but it is also very personal. Who wouldn’t want to be associated with such a genuine group of people? Most of them have said that their families and friends know they are swingers and take it in stride. They felt no judgement when they told others about it and feel completely comfortable that people know.
Like any other group, in order to gain acceptance, we must learn to stand up for what we believe in. Swingers should not be ashamed of their lifestyle. Obviously it is not necessary to divulge what you do when you are at a swing club, or party or other event, any more than you would give blow by blow (pun intended) details to others about what you and your significant other do in your bedroom. No need to reveal that you participated in a gang bang with 15+ men last Saturday or tried double penetration for the first time and loved it. Many swingers don’t swap, and many people in the lifestyle are not swingers. Enjoying the warm atmosphere that accompanies the lifestyle is a wonderful thing and people should not have to hide from it.
There are many well known actors and singers who are open about their lifestyle choices and for some reason, people find this ‘normal’ and acceptable. Why? Why are they held to a different standard than the rest of us. Because they are famous? Even with their disclosure they are still sought after and some of them are highly influential people.
Revealing to others that you are open minded should not be a negative thing. After all, if you think about it, being a part of the lifestyle really doesn’t mean more than that. If your children or parents told you the same thing, would it concern you? Sure, at first it might come as a surprise but would you be upset or concerned? Probably not.
When we initially came up with the concept for the jewelry, we had just this vision in mind. Wear the jewelry with pride. First of all, others do not know what it means. Secondly, even if they did, what does it really say about you? That you are open minded, nothing more.
Let’s continue the movement to unite the lifestyle. There is a lot to be learned from people who choose to be apart of it. Honesty, respect and fun are the three hallmarks of the lifestyle. What could be better than that?
When we think about swinging, we do not think about love. The purpose of swinging is to have fun. To find another couple or a single man or woman to fulfill a fantasy. Sex is a physical act and does not require love to participate. Swinging equates to sex without love whereas a marriage incorporates love and sex.
To people who are not in the lifestyle, it is a very difficult concept for them to grasp. They frequently ask if couples in the lifestyle if they are afraid that their partner could fall in love with someone else. Sure, anything is possible, but you do not have to be a swinger to be at risk of falling in love with someone else.
Swinging has nothing to do with love. Swingers do not seek out the lifestyle to find a partner to share their life with. Single swingers might be looking for someone who shares their lifestyle views but couples are not there for this reason.
Vanilla couples cannot understand how swingers do not get jealous when they see their partner with someone else but it always reminds me of something from the Bible. The following is a part of the passage, not the entire thing: (I am not religious, or Catholic, but this always comes to mind):
Love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy, it does not put on airs, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. So Faith, Hope and Love abide these three; But the Greatest of these is Love.”
In my opinion, the only role love plays in swinging, is between the couple that decides together that they would like to explore the lifestyle. You love your partner enough to give them the freedom to partake in things they otherwise could not, and you find joy in seeing them enjoy those things. You have faith in your partner; you allow them to play because you are sure they will come back to you. You are able to express love for each other by forging your own path. You do not allow others to dictate to you what is normal. Although society equates love with monogamy, you choose to define love your own way and you know the love between you and your partner is mutually exclusive. You hope that your love is forever and that these experiences will only enrich your lives.
There is no love between couples that play but there can be infatuation or lust. How can you love someone that you don’t really know? The person who shows up at parties or swing clubs or on vacations or cruises allows you to see only a small part of who they are. The real person is the one who has to get up for work in the mornings; the person who has to clean up after their children or their dog. The true person is not always dancing and having fun but paying bills and dealing with stress. Until you know that person, how can you really know that you love them?
The part of swinging that makes it so enjoyable is that we get to dress up, have a few drinks, dance or socialize then move onto the swinging aspect. Spending an evening with swingers is like going out on New Year’s Eve. It’s always a big party, but is that real life? It is an awful lot of fun and the environment lends itself to getting hot for other people, but that is the whole point. We go into swing clubs looking for others to spend a few hours with but not our lives.
If people in the lifestyle were not able to separate sex and love, swinging could not exist. It is the rare couple who can find that delicate balance and make it work. If couples were constantly falling in love with each other, swing clubs would be empty. Who would want to risk their relationship for an evening of fun?
The most important thing is to keep perspective. Having sex with someone else is just for a moment of pleasure, whereas being in a committed relationship is hopefully for a lifetime.