Hilarious swinger stories that cannot be shared with vanilla friends!

Doctor holding condom in front of a swinger

Swingers are a special breed of people.   No topic is off-limits when they talk amongst each other,.  Things that you would never discuss with vanilla friends or close family are perfect things to talk about with your swinger friends.  These are friends who can truly relate to some of the bizarre or hilarious things that happen in the lifestyle.

What’s in your box?

A swinger friend visited a nude beach and while relaxing, observed a beautiful girl walking around showing people something in a cardboard box.  As she got closer, he was eager to not only see what was inside the box but to have an opportunity to meet this beautiful, naked girl.  He waved for her to come over to his group, and with a big smile, she headed in their direction.

When she reached this group, she greeted them with a big smile and put her box on the sand.  My friend peered into the box but wasn’t quite sure what he was looking at.  “Cock rings,” she explained, “you really should try wearing one!”  My friend said the seller was so cute it would not have mattered what she was selling, he was buying.  He reached into the box and chose one.  She showed him how to put it on and he was quite the happy camper. He and his wife left the beach and headed back to their apartment.

Later that evening they were heading out to a swing club so he slipped on the cock ring. He was very excited to show it to his friends.  They got into the elevator along with two elderly women.  The elevator door shut and as the elevator jolted to a start, they hear a clink, clink, clink on the floor of the elevator as the cock ring fell out of the bottom of his pant leg to the ground.  He looked down and says, “Oh, there’s my cuff link!”

Excuse me, can you speak up?

Other swinger friends were traveling to see family out of town and decided to go to a local swing club in the area.  Having heard good things about this club, they were excited to go and meet some new people.  After dressing in their sexy club clothes, they were on their way.  The crowd was great and one couple, in particular, seemed eager to play with them.  Heading into the playroom together, the other couple suggested a private room, to which this couple agreed.

As they are playing, the man starts whispering something into my friend’s ear.  She can’t quite hear him and asks him to repeat himself.  When she is sure she can hear him she sits upright and looks at her husband, who is playing with this man’s wife.  The wife looks over and smiles at my friend.  My friend touches her husband and tells him she’s ready to go.  Confused, he gets up and she is already out the door.  He runs behind her to find out what happened.  The man had asked my friend to poop on his face.  She was sure he was joking but clearly he was not.  He said he likes it and his wife likes to watch.  It grossed her out so much that she had to leave.  Imagine telling your vanilla friends a story like this!

What happens in the dark stays in the dark

Swinger dating sites are a great resource for finding a private party in your area.  When swinger friends of ours found one of interest, they signed up on the guest list.  The address and time for the party was later sent in an email.   The party was planned for a Friday night, which coincided with a parent-teacher conference that was already on their schedule.  They went to meet the teachers, changed clothing in their car and headed off for an evening of fun.

Arriving a little late, they grabbed some drinks and mingled with some of the guests downstairs.  As the evening wore on, couples started to move upstairs to play.  It was dark in the bedrooms so they could see bodies, but they could not identify any faces.  They found a spot on a bed and settled in to play together.  Not long after, the woman next to them reached over and started to touch my friend.  It started as just kissing and before long the two couples were engaged in a four-way.  The other man was eager to swap so they switched and played with the other couple.  Soon my friend heard the other woman screaming in orgasm and showering them when she squirted.

When it was all over, the foursome walked out of the bedroom together so they could properly introduce themselves.  As soon as they got into a more lighted area my friend could not believe her eyes!  It was her son’s teacher that she had just met with earlier that evening!

Excuse me ma’am but is there something you’re not telling me?

A woman we know spends a fair amount of time at swing clubs and lifestyle events. When she attends these events, playing is a priority for her.  She went for a yearly gynecology exam and during the examination, her doctor asked her if she has multiple partners or does she just have sex with her husband.

With the doctor positioned between her legs, peering inside for the exam, her concern was that he was looking at something that indicated an STD or infection of some kind.  She knew him socially (vanilla) and felt she could not possibly tell him about the lifestyle.  She picked up her head and looked down at him telling him she was faithful to her husband.  With that, he reached inside her and pulled out a condom.

Candles create a lovely atmosphere, don’t they?

Swinger friends planned a sexy weekend at a hotel with another couple they frequently played with.  The women decided to check in early to decorate the room and surprise the men when they arrived.  They brought candles, rose petals and candy, massage oils, bath oils, and flowers. By the time the men arrived, the room was romantic and sexy; the women in lingerie, ready for fun. They wasted no time and spent the afternoon playing.  After a fun afternoon, my friends headed out for the evening.  Returning from the restaurant, there were firetrucks leaving the hotel and the guests were walking back inside.  When they asked what was happening, they were told that a guest had left candles burning when they left their room and it started a fire.  My friends were mortified because they realized it was them…

Let’s give these girls a round of applause!

When hosting a private swinger party, it is not uncommon for guests to bring a gift for the host and hostess.  At this particular party, one of the gifts some friends received was a huge pink vibrator that was shaped like a penis.  The party ended late and as they cleaned up, they carefully put the vibrator back in the box and stuck it in a guest room closet.  Several weeks later, their 5-year-old had a friend over.  Her older brother was bothering them and so they wandered into the guest room and closed the door so they would not be disturbed.   During the day my friend works, so the children are left with a babysitter.

Not long after, the babysitter goes into the room to check on the girls.  My friend’s daughter had found the vibrator and they were using it like a microphone, singing karaoke.  The babysitter was shocked but felt compelled to take a video so she could show my friend.   After seeing the video, my friend said she was so embarrassed that she wanted to fire the sitter so she wouldn’t have to face her, but was terrified because she had a video!

As swingers, we never know what crazy situations we will find ourselves in.  What I can say, is that we can never tell our vanilla friends stories like these!

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In the lifestyle, asking your husband to give your partner a condom is normal.

Man holding a condom
Man holding condom

The lifestyle really changes the way swingers approach the topic of sex.  Having a conversation with a lifestyle friend  is likely to include something or other about sex.  With vanilla friends, regardless of how long you have known them, sex never comes up.   Imagine if you mentioned to a vanilla friend that last night your partner asked your husband for a condom so he could have sex with you.   Say what?

There is no doubt in my mind that anyone in the lifestyle who read that thought to themselves, ‘yeah, so?’   It is funny to realize how blasé we become about sex when we are in the lifestyle.  That is not to say that we don’t still enjoy it immensely, we just have a more relaxed attitude towards sex.  It would take an awful to shock us, as most of us have been there, seen that!   Before entering the lifestyle, most people cannot really imagine walking around naked in a club or at a party, much less having sex in front of a bunch of strangers!

Flipping tv channels the other morning I stumbled upon a talk show with Tyra Banks (had no idea she had a talk show).  They were talking about sex.  Actually, they were not really talking about sex.  They were talking about ‘talking about’ having sex.  As in, what do you tell your friends about your love life.  How open are you?  They were embarrassed just having this conversation.  Really?!  How prudish are people?  It’s 2017!  Have we evolved so little when it comes to being open about something as natural as sex?  Every adult is having sex!  Why is it so hush hush?  All the people on the panel agreed that some things should remain between couples and they moved on to another topic.

I was excited to discover, recently, that there is a channel on satellite tv that has a new sex show.  Having watched several sex shows from Canada, I looked forward to this.  The woman who hosts the show tries very hard to act as though she has no problem talking about sex.  Unfortunately, the way that she comes across, is as though she is terribly uncomfortable!  She speaks very quickly and her expression never changes.  She could be discussing anything.  The content of the show is equally disappointing.  Most stories are less than a minute and point to studies that have been done and what they tell us.  In Canada, they speak with real people who talk candidly about their experiences and how they feel.  The Canadian shows are very informative yet personal.

Perhaps Tyra is right, maybe our sex lives should remain behind closed doors.  Is that healthy?  That certainly was the way my generation was raised.  My husband once asked me if my parents liked having sex.  I just looked at him and said, “How on earth would I know?”  He was surprised and said that his parents certainly did and they were very open about it.  He is not American born so that explains a lot! He then asked about my siblings and again, I have no clue, it is not something we ever spoke about.

Why is sex such a taboo topic?  We all know when we see families with children that something fun happened to get those little kiddies!  How do we break this code of silence?  It is hard to imagine asking my children how their sex life is and I am in the lifestyle!

Realizing that perhaps this is an American phenomenon, I turned to my husband for answers.  Why is sex an open discussion amongst your family?  Is your family different from others?  One thing that makes this even more interesting is that he comes from a rather religious community and his family was very observant.  They did not believe in sex before marriage, abortion or masturbation so how is it this family is now able to talk freely about sex?

My husband pointed out that religion for both his family and the community where he was raised has somewhat waned in its importance over the years so that is no longer a factor.  He did point out that television played a rather large role in helping people to openly discuss topics regarding sex.  There are many shows that feature naked people talking about their bodies and many other shows discussing a variety of topics regarding sex itself.  When you are exposed to this, it becomes natural to talk about it.

He does find it rather interesting that the porn industry is so strong in America (much more so than in his country) and finds that a little hypocritical.  If people are so shy about sex, why is everyone watching porn?

With regard to my partner asking my husband for a condom last night, my husband was happy to oblige.  Like most swingers, he is happy when he sees me happy and vice versa.  Sex is a natural act and should be treated as such.  People in the lifestyle talk openly and freely about their sex lives, and over time, that has become a normal topic of conversation amongst us all.  That is probably one reason swingers tend to slowly move away from their vanilla friends.  You are no longer on the same page and when you try to bring up a topic regarding sex, watching them squirm becomes frustrating.

Everyone is not cut out to be in the lifestyle and that is normal.  What is not normal is treating sex like some taboo act that we should be embarrassed about.  If sex is good with your partner, what is the harm in sharing that thought?  If it is not good, maybe being able to discuss this with your friends would be helpful.

Hopefully, in the near future, Americans will open up and talk about sex as the natural act that it is.  We should not have to turn to porn or the internet to discover what others are doing.