Temptation: Why it is not a big problem for couples in the lifestyle.

Swingers avoid temptation

Recently, a friend asked me if I had ever watched this show called Temptation Island.

To be honest, I had never even heard of it. She explained a little bit about it and told me she would be curious to hear my take on the show. It sounded interesting so I decided to watch a few episodes. As a swinger, this show proved to be pretty entertaining. According to their homepage, Temptation Island is a reality show in which several couples agree to live with a group of singles of the opposite sex, in order to test the strength of their relationships.

My friend had asked if this was basically a show about swinging.

First of all, for those people who are not in the lifestyle, this concept is exactly the opposite of why people choose to swing. People in the lifestyle are not there to decide if their partner is “right” for them. We do not “explore other relationships” or “test the strength of our relationship”. These are the premises on which this show is based. Ultimately they try to set the couples up for failure for public entertainment. Swinging is not about any of these things.

Couples who choose to enter the lifestyle (when they do it for the right reasons) are there as a couple. They operate as a team. The one thing swingers will say is that the most important part of swinging is seeing their partner happy. The last thing swingers are looking for is to fall in love with someone else.

Swinging is primarily about sex.

We often find ourselves developing friendships and close relationships with other swingers, but there is a line that we do not cross. Most couples are friendly as couples. The communication is generally either between the two women, the two men, or the four people at the same time.

This is not the case with every couple in the lifestyle. There are different types of swinger relationships. Some couples are ok with their partner dating others and forming relationships but this is not generally the case. Most swingers are in the lifestyle together.

Temptation Island is a show that puts couples in situations that would be difficult for even the most solid couples to withstand.

It does its best to create jealousy and mistrust between each individual couple. As the couples cannot communicate for almost a solid 30 days, it becomes impossible to work things out as a couple. To top it off, while they are apart, they are living with members of the opposite sex who are there looking to find love. The concept is the whole “kid in the candy store” type scenario.

The obvious downfall for these couples is the temptation to cheat. The show claims the couple’s inability to remain faithful during these 30 days is proof that their relationships were doomed before arriving. The thing that made me curious as a swinger was twofold:

1. Could vanilla couples who have been together for many years (10+) withstand this 30-day temptation?

2. Could couples in the lifestyle?

To answer question 1 is very difficult. During a few of the episodes, they show snippets of what each partner has been doing. Some clips are misleading and make people think there is infidelity. Would this cause long term committed couples to give in to temptation? I believe it would for the majority of couples.

What about couples in the lifestyle, where having sex with others is part of their lives? Would the temptation prove to be too much? Quite honestly, I don’t think so. I honestly believe that couples in the lifestyle don’t feel the need to cheat. Their relationships are open doors so the thrill is diminished.

Temptation is only an issue when we want something that we should not or cannot have. If the temptation is readily available to us, it would diminish our lust for it.  This would be the case for swingers.  We allow each other to explore these temptations together and so there is no need to crave it.

To be fair, this show works very hard to entertain the viewers.

To accomplish this, they create an environment that would make it difficult for most people to succeed.

Temptation in any form is something that is considered bad or evil.

To avoid temptation, most people would choose to remove themselves (or that which is tempting them), from the situation. This show forces men and women to spend 30 days living with this temptation. So for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, this temptation is staring them in the face. Not only that, the temptation is calling to them and enticing them to act. This type of environment would prove difficult for most people.

Although the show is entertaining, I can’t understand why couples would put themselves into a situation like this. Like every other reality show, the drama is the most entertaining aspect of the show.

To get back to my friend’s question about Temptation Island really being a show about swingers, the answer is a firm no. This show might explain why swinging can be a healthy alternative to cheating. Temptation will occur in most relationships at some point, but it is how one deals with it. Many people will give in to it and take a chance, swingers will point out the temptation to their significant other and see if they can make it happen. One is honest and open, the other is not.

Swinging is not cheating; understanding the difference.

Couple who swings, doesn't cheat. Wearing Parners ID jewelry
Couple who swings, doesn’t cheat. Wearing Parners ID jewelry

 

 

 

Swingers have a clear understanding of what swinging means and they definitely do not consider themselves cheaters.  The percentage of people in the lifestyle who cheat on their spouses is significantly lower than the percentage in the population at large.  Before we can talk about cheating, let’s discuss what the word really means.   According to dictionary.com a cheater is  a person who acts dishonestly, deceives, or defrauds.    I do not see how swingers are guilty of this in any way as real swingers bring their partners with them when they actively swing.   In any group  of people, regardless of their sexual orientation, preferences, religions, politics, etc, you will find some ‘bad apples’, but as we know, we cannot judge an entire group of people based on a few misguided souls.

It is important to consider why someone in a committed relationship  might cheat on their spouse.   One reason someone might cheat is because they are not satisfied with the sex they are having with their partner.  It could be that the actual act itself is not what one person needs to feel fulfilled or perhaps it is not frequent enough.  Perhaps the cheater has met someone and is physically attracted to them.  Some people who have been married for a while feel the need to be attractive to someone else. Another scenario could be that the couple is not connecting and having problems; be it money, kids, whatever, and the result is lack of interest in having sex with each other.  Maybe the spouse has stopped taking care of themselves and is unappealing to their partner.  Whatever the case may be, the end result is that this person looks to have sex with someone else and keeps it a secret from their spouse or significant other.  This is cheating and ultimately will lead to a problem between the couple if it is discovered.

Let us now look at swinging.  Swinging is done with your partner.  The couple enters the lifestyle and chooses to seek out a sexual relationship with another couple or a single swinger.  It does not really matter why the couple has decided to do this, but rather the fact that it is done in plain view of each other.  There are no secrets or deceptions here.  If you watch a couple playing with another couple, you will usually see the spouses interacting with each other while they are playing with someone else.  A hand on their shoulder, a kiss, a helpful hand down there, whatever it is, you will see that this is something they are doing together.  That is very different from sneaking into a hotel room while your spouse is at work or with the kids to have sex with someone else.  Even when swingers decide to play separately, they do it with permission from their partner.

If you have a relationship like swingers do, why would you cheat?  It is very liberating to be so open and honest with your partner about everything you are doing, why would you bother doing this behind their back?  For most couples who swing, they have formed a very strong bond.  They are even more connected because they share a secret lifestyle that most choose not to expose to others in their lives.  This “secret” can be a strong glue for couples.

Let’s be honest, sex is exciting but often put on a back burner for married couples.  They have busy lives and are often too tired for sex.  They imagine it is mutual and so it can become as much of a routine to not have sex as it once was to have sex.  This can be a slippery slope in marriage as intimacy is a critical component to long lasting successful marriages.  Swingers have very active sex lives, but not every night out to a swing club results in playing with someone else.  Frequently, married swingers will play alone together if nothing else presents itself during that night, and both are usually perfect happy.

One of the big differences between couples in the lifestyle and those who are not is how open couples in the lifestyle are with each other.  When you take jealousy off the table, love can be limitless.  When someone has doubts or fears about their partner’s fidelity, it puts space between a couple.  If every time you see their sexy coworker or watch them come alive when an attractive waiter or waitress flirts with them and secretly wonder what they are thinking, it does not help your relationship.  This wondering casts a shadow on your relationship as it creates doubt and insecurity.   It is common, however,  for couples in the lifestyle to turn a blind eye to sexy coworkers and others because they know they can have what they want in the lifestyle.  They do not look for validation in everyday situations with attractive people because they do not need it.  Vanilla couples, rely on these interactions to gauge if people still find them attractive.

It is said that humans are not monogamous by nature and perhaps this is why it can be such a struggle for couples in long term relationships to remain faithful to one another.  It would seem that for this reason, the lifestyle can offer couples a way to remain together for the long haul.  Many couples are very happily married to their partner, except when it comes to sex.  Why break up a happy marriage when there are alternatives?  Obviously, swinging is not for everyone and people in the lifestyle know that.  Why then do people not accept the fact that monogamy is not for everyone?