How’s that snobby attitude working for you?
Everyone has come across that person in the lifestyle. You know who they are; standing around scoffing at others in a lifestyle environment. In their mind, they are too superior to be surrounded by such, well, inferior people. They think are the very definition of beauty and intellect You can’t miss them, they stand around with their nose in the air. Thankfully, they are not the norm but it doesn’t make it any easier to stomach them when they show up.
Why on earth do some people have such an attitude of superiority? Nothing like a healthy dose of self confidence! If these people are as irresistible as they tend to believe, why are they so frequently alone?
We watched a woman like this just last night. She was not nearly as attractive as she imagined she was but her attitude was so awful, we could barely stop staring at her. (Perhaps this is why she has so much confidence! People stare at her not because she’s so beautiful, but rather because she’s so obnoxious!)
This particular woman held her head high in the air and watched to make sure everyone looked at her as they walked past her. Needless to say, most people did not give her a second look but she kept at it. Any time a woman walked past her, she would laugh, as if to let the other woman that know she didn’t approve of her look. She would throw her head back, point at the woman and whisper in her husband’s ear. It was hard not to say something to her (or smack her). It was so incredibly rude.
Her husband tried for a long time to coerce her to mingle with other couples but she was not interested. When she finally spotted a man who she deemed worthy, she made her move. She flirted shamelessly with him all the while keeping her back to the man’s wife. Her hands were all over him and she giggled at everything he said. Her husband tried to speak with the wife but she was clearly on high alert that this woman was not someone with whom she wanted to be involved. When she thought she had this man’s interest, she walked away and made her way to the dance floor. She was putting on a show that nobody seemed interested in watching, including her husband and the couple with whom she had just interacted.
We lost sight of this woman during the evening but later on they walked past us on their way out of the club. I overheard her telling the manager that the crowd was sub par at best, a huge disappointment for such a well known club.
There is no place in the lifestyle for this type of person. Swingers pride themselves on their warmth and friendliness. That is what sets them apart from the rest of the world. There is no rule that says you must play with everyone you speak with or even that you must become friends. There is, however, an understanding of common courtesy towards others.
Most people we have encountered in the lifestyle are looking for fun. They want to feel free to let their hair down and enjoy themselves. When they encounter someone like this, they simply move away. People are not attracted to others who hold themselves in such high regard that they try to make others feel bad about themselves. This is not high school and the last thing any swinger is looking for is drama.
These types of people rarely make more than one appearance at lifestyle events because it soon becomes apparent to them that they are too good for everyone. (That’s a good thing!) It is however, a good lesson for others to learn. Nobody likes someone who feels that they are better than others. It doesn’t matter if the person is extremely attractive, very wealthy, has a very high powered job or is famous. When you are at a lifestyle event, none of that matters. The people who have the most success in the lifestyle are the friendly ones. If you are warm and inviting, you will attract other couples.
People who are not in the lifestyle, equate swinging with infidelity. Obviously, for people who swing, this is absolutely untrue. According to dictionary.com. infidelity means:
It is not uncommon to hear people who are not in the lifestyle to question why couples swing. Besides that they imagine swingers to be perverted deviants, their perception of swingers is really off. They have a hard time understanding why people would be open to having sex with someone other than their spouse. More than that, they cannot fathom why swingers do not get upset with the fact that their significant others are doing this.
Let’s consider this: if a department store invited you to visit anytime, and take what you needed for free, would you ever feel the need to steal something from them? Silly question right? How can you steal something if they are giving it to you for free? Let’s say you are in school and need help on an exam and the teacher tells you anytime you don’t know an answer to just ask her and she will tell you. Would you need to copy off someone’s paper? What would be the point? The teacher has already offered the free help, right? It is the same in the lifestyle. Your partner offers to let you swing with other people, why would you need to do this behind their back? That is not to say that it never happens because it probably does, but what it is the point?
It is very common when you speak with swingers to hear how surprised they were when they first entered the lifestyle to discover how in love swingers seemed to be. It was exactly the opposite of what they had imagined. If couples were so in love, what drove them into the lifestyle? The best answer is probably honesty.
The relationship between a couple who chooses to swing has to be very open and honest. In order to swing, they had to get to the point where they could admit that although they love each other, they would like to try something else. It is normal for couples to fall into a routine or rut with their sex life. Some couples try to spice things up by watching porn, using toys, trying different positions or even going to strip clubs. What happens when that is not enough?
For couples not in the lifestyle, unfortunately, they might look to someone else to fill that void. Infidelity is exceptionally selfish. One person in the couple chooses to find excitement that is lost with their partner while the other partner makes do with the lack of fulfillment. Sometimes both parts of the couple choose to be unfaithful to each other while maintaining the facade of a wonderful marriage. How long can that last?
When you consider the avenue swingers take, it seems more logical and loving. Swinging is something couples do together. They venture into the lifestyle as a couple not to find someone to replace their partner, but to find couples to spice up their sex life. The excitement is something they experience together. The only sneaking around these couples might be engaging in, is from their family and friends. Swinging creates a very strong bond; you are naughty together.
When you consider the freedom that swinging brings to both members of the couple, who would feel the need to cheat? Sure, there are always exceptions, but that shows a true character fault. Generally speaking, swingers would agree that they have no reason to cheat. Swinging helps them to avoid infedelity.
Many couples who have been in the lifestyle for many years reach different levels of comfort with separating while swinging. Some couples have no problem allowing their significant other to play on their own while traveling or with friends they have met in the lifestyle. They talk about how much pleasure they get just from hearing about the escapades of their partners. The only request they make of each other is to tell them about what they do when they play on their own. Some couples never separate and continue their swinging journey side by side. Either way, the degree of trust and freedom is immeasurable compared with those not in the lifestyle.
Everyone is different and perhaps there are couples who never feel the desire to play outside their marriage. It seems that number would be very low when you consider how rampant infidelity is.
My question to those not in the lifestyle is this: why not try to explore together what both of you are secretly wishing for? It is impossible to believe that every married adult at some point has not fantasized about having sex with someone else. A neighbor, a teacher, a coworker, someone famous or your spouse’s best friend. The best part about swinging is that these are no longer secrets or fantasies! You and your partner not only talk about what your sexual fantasies are, you experience them together. What could be more honest and intimate than that? That is what creates such a strong bond between swingers. When you have everything you need at home, why would you need to go elsewhere?
Why are Americans so shy when it comes to sex? Let’s face it, if people were not having sex, we wouldn’t be here. When you think about it, it is surprising that pregnant women are not trying to cover up when they start to show, after all, everyone who sees them will know they had sex! What must their parents think? At this point you are thinking this is silly, right? We are proud and happy when our children, grandchildren, siblings and friends are expecting; we don’t think about sex when it comes to pregnancy. It is a beautiful thing! Yes, it is, but so is sex and so is a naked body. Even the names of our body parts embarrass us! You rarely hear people speak of their penis or vagina. Certainly over the course of your life you have had reason to mention them to others, no? If the title of this article had the word vagina in it, people might be embarrassed if someone saw that they were stopping to read the article. It seems that this is more of an American hangup (when compared to most European countries and Canada). Why are we so shy? When does this start?
From the time we are children we are taught that our “private parts” are, well, private. We shouldn’t touch them or talk about them and most definitely, we should never let anyone see or touch them. It is understandable with all the sick people in the world that parents want to protect their children from harm, but are they doing them a disservice? I would bet that most American parents feel justified and think this is the best way to protect their children. Perhaps it is, but wouldn’t it be healthier to adopt a more casual approach toward teaching children about their bodies? Allowing children to see their parents naked would probably help them to know that nudity is not something to be ashamed of. Many times you will see children with their parents at a nude beach yet they are almost never American. European women think nothing of taking off their bathing suit tops yet American’s are very shy at the notion.
I happen to catch the show “Project Runway” recently and the models for the challenge were nudists and the contestants had to design an outfit that would keep them warm but that they would feel comfortable wearing. When the models were called in, they were naked. I could not believe how uncomfortable the contestants were! The models were completely relaxed and had no compunction standing naked while they discussed clothing options. When they left the contestants were in shock! Why? Had they never seen a naked body before? When you consider this, it really is not normal.
The same situation exists when talking about sex. Obviously, at some point in time, everyone will have sex. We have sex education classes in school yet somehow we never actually talk about sex. We talk about conception in terms of sperm and eggs but never penis and vagina. We learn about fallopian tubes, the uterus and ovaries but never about the clitoris or g-spot. We learn that a male will get an erection but never about the pleasure both male and female will experience during intercourse. Orgasm, let’s get real, that word never came up in class.
Parents usually at realize they must have “the talk” with their children at some point, but what are they actually talking about it? Besides giving them information about pregnancy and STDs, do they explain anything further? Most do not. No discussion about what feels good or how it is normal to touch yourself. Their embarrassment simply tells us that sex is something so embarrassing, that they cannot really discuss it with us. Most kids would agree that their parents seemed elated when “the talk” was finished and you had no questions.
I can remember as a child taking a field trip to the zoo. The monkeys started having sex as our group of fifth graders were being led by their caged area. The guide told us not to stop and to hurry past the cages. He was very embarrassed and refused to let us stop to see the exhibit. He called them naughty monkeys and chided them through the cage as he moved us past them. What kind of message was he sending us? Back at school when we questioned our teacher about it, she told us the monkeys were being silly. Silly? Would it not have been more educational to say they were doing something natural?
This might explain why even as adults, people rarely talk about sex. Before entering the lifestyle, when we spent all of our time with vanilla friends, it was rare that we talked about sex. If we did, it was joking around about a funny incident such as having the kids walk in on us or trying to find time when the kids weren’t around, etc.. We never spoke about specifics or laughed about new toys. If we spoke about our new passion for anal sex I’m not sure we would have ever seen any of these “friends” again. The nice thing about lifestyle friends is that you do talk about sex and nothing is off limits.
We certainly are not born thinking there is shame in our naked bodies so where and why do we learn this? We know that by the time puberty hits we go to great lengths to keep our bodies to ourselves as we are somewhat ashamed of the changes taking place. We can all remember the difficulty of changing for gym class and can now look back and wonder why our parents and educators did not attempt to lessen our discomfort with some education. Sure, we learned about puberty, but laughed about it through every class with intense embarrassment.
What is it about our naked bodies that make us so uncomfortable? I imagine for women it is their perception that they have less than perfect bodies, and when exposed, everyone can see their flaws (whether real or imagined). For men, perhaps it is a combination of the size of their penis, and how they measure up to other men. It is also perhaps the fear of arousal while exposed (at an inappropriate moment). This is a possibility for men mostly because they are not used to being naked and seeing others naked. Like anything else, they would be desensitized if being naked were not so taboo. When you spend time at a nude beach, it is rare to see a man with an erection. Even when you do, most people would agree, it is not a big deal as we have all seen it before!
When you become part of the lifestyle, you discover how liberating it is to get past this. You learn to undress in front of others and discover that nobody is pointing and laughing. Regardless of body size and type, hair or no, tattoos, piercings and scars, nobody is ever pointing or laughing. Taking your clothing off in front of your friends at a nude beach or resort is incredibly liberating! To feel the warmth of the sun on your entire body is worth the risk of the momentary pang of discomfort the first time you undress in public. You will also discover that it feels very normal when everyone is also naked. The conversations about sex and your personal sex life will become a part of your life as well. When you realize how liberating the lifestyle is you will wonder how people can go through their entire life covering up some of the most genuine things about themselves. Sex is something beautiful and natural and talking about it is normal! When you swing you also begin to see sex as something beautiful even when it is shared. Society is so rigid in its beliefs about monogamy and clothing that it keeps us from truly acting in a way that is perhaps more natural than we realize. Maybe the monkeys are right in the way they behave. They act on instinct and seem to be just fine the way they are. Do they really need humans to tell them what is right and to make them feel ashamed? I personally prefer the attitudes I have discovered from the lifestyle. How very liberating to finally be comfortable in my own skin and with my sexuality!
Swinging can sometimes feel like dating. Remember in the past when you met someone and spent a fair amount of time wondering if they liked you? Then you tried to decide if they liked you, or liked you liked you. The only difference now, is that usually swingers are couples looking for other couples. Although it sounds so simple, it is not. Instead of the traditional one person seeking out another, it is now one couple (2 people) looking for another couple (2 more people). That equals four people who must all be on the same page. It might not sound that complicated but it can be.
The other part of this equation is wondering when you do meet other swingers, how to know which couples want to swing with you. That too, can be complicated. When you are dealing with a couple, maybe the man likes you, but his wife doesn’t like your husband (or vice versa). The problems with four people are multiplied dramatically so it’s important to pay attention to signs and signals that other couples are giving you.
Swing clubs are a great place to meet other couples (or singles) to swing with. They have a sexy, night club atmosphere and most of the people who are there, are there to swing. This does not mean, however, that every couple you meet wants to swing with you. So how can you tell who is and who is not interested?
Most adults have learned that when they are in a social situation, they should be friendly and warm. We were taught to be polite and smile. If someone talks to us, we should have the common courtesy to listen and even join in the conversation. People in swing clubs, tend to be very friendly and welcoming to each other. So with all this smiling and kindness, how can we distinguish between people are who being polite and people who are interested in having sex?
For some couples, it’s not that hard to figure out, whereas for others, they seem to have no clue at all (think Sheldon Cooper). Here is a little quiz to help you determine if you are on the right track to finding other couples to play with:
You are sitting at the bar and a couple walks over. They are trying to get the bartender’s attention and since you are sitting there, they say hello. You and your significant other find them attractive so you try to engage them in conversation. They are friendly and answer your questions but as soon as the bartender hands them their drinks, they turn and walk away. Now, this should be an easy one…
This couple is interested, you have a shot: True or False
(False, clearly, they are not interested.)
Let’s try another, shall we? A couple is seated next to you on a couch. They seem friendly and you strike up a conversation with them. The husband answers your questions but the wife is not paying any attention. She is busy watching people on the dance floor. While you are talking to him, the husband turns and asks his wife if she wants to dance. They pop up and leave for the dance floor. Hm, what do you think?
A. They will be back in a few minutes and we will have another chance to win them over?
B. We have no shot let’s go find another couple.
If you chose A, you should probably keep reading until the end!
How about this situation: a couple approaches you while you are at the bar and asks if anyone is sitting in the seats next to you. You say no and the couple sits down. They introduce themselves and tell you it’s their first time in this club. They are friendly and you are encouraged that maybe this can work. You talk with them for a while and they get up to go and dance. After a few songs, they return to their seats next to you. A couple sits down on the other side of them and they turn to engage in conversation with them. You and your significant other walk around to join the two couples in conversation. They continue talking while you stand there. You don’t want to be rude so you patiently wait for them to introduce you to this couple. After a few minutes, nobody attempts to bring you into the conversation. You decide to go back to your seats at the bar.
A. No problem, in a few minutes they will turn back and chat with us.
B. Not looking good, they were just being friendly.
Don’t wait too long for this couple, it seems they have found a couple they prefer.
You meet a couple standing along side the dance floor. You try to engage them in conversation and although the wife is friendly, the husband is looking around while you are talking to him. He answers your questions but doesn’t ask you any. A few times you even had to repeat yourself because he didn’t hear you. His wife grabs his hand while you are talking to her.
A. She’s hot and she’s friendly. She will persuade him to be with us.
B. Finding couples is harder than we thought. Let’s move on.
It’s B! When she grabbed his hand, she was trying to tell you something… He showed a clear disinterest from the get go.
You decide to dance and are enjoying the time with your wife. You notice a couple watching you and smiling. When you leave the dance floor they approach you at the bar. They are friendly and she greets you with a kiss on the cheek. The man is attentive to your wife and his wife is attentive to you. She plays with her hair while laughing at your jokes.
A. This is it! We might actually have a chance with this couple!
B. They are just being friendly, I’m not sure if they really have any interest.
I hope you chose A! This was a gimme, a no brainer.
Believe it or not, we see this all the time. Couples who hang around when there is no chance what so ever that the couple they are clinging to have any interest in them. Sometimes all it really requires, is to pay close attention to what their body language is saying. If someone is standing with their arms crossed and a forced smile on their face, that should tell you that they are not interested. If someone touches you or is engaged in what you say, that’s a good sign. If they turn towards you and have a genuine (not fake) smile, think positive! If the person you are talking to is not making eye contact, walk away. If someone likes you, they will make you feel comfortable and important. They will be present in the moment with you. They will ask you questions and listen carefully to what you have to say. If someone is busy looking around to see what else is available, that means they have no real desire to be with you.
Although we always stress how important communication is, in this type of situation, nobody will tell you that they are not interested, it is just too rude. They will, however, do whatever they can with their body language to let you know. Non verbal cues are all you are going to get to let you know when a coupe is or is not interested. All you have to do, is pay attention to what it is they are trying to say.
Swinging should be fun but figuring out who wants to swing with you can sometimes be confusing! The more experience you have in the lifestyle the easier it will become! Good luck!
Why do swingers feel the need to keep their lifestyle a secret? I frequently hear people say that nobody knows that they are in the lifestyle. They would die if someone found out. Why is that? At first I wondered if these people were very religious, but they are not. I wondered if their children were at an age that it would create confusion and uncertainty, but they are not. Do they think they are doing something criminal or unethical? They do not. Hmm. Would exposure embarrass them? This question got a nod. Embarrassed, why?
Admitting that you are a swinger should be a lot less traumatic than admitting you are having an affair, no? After all, one is cheating and lying to someone you say you are in love with, the other is not. Swingers are out having a great time, enjoying parties and events that others can only dream of. Cheaters are sneaking around, worrying that at any moment they will be caught, which would certainly disrupt their lives and the lives of those around them.
I wonder how many swingers are truly living this lifestyle unbeknownst to their friends and family. Probably not nearly as many as believe they are. Often times I watch swingers arrive at a club clad in an over sized trench coat in the middle of the summer. When I ask these women if their family or neighbors don’t find this strange they say they don’t think so. Really? It’s 90 degrees outside and you leave your house or condo wearing a trench coat cinched at the waste with stiletto heels and nobody thinks that’s odd?
Many swingers have said that when they finally decided to reveal the truth about their lifestyle, their friends and family members were not surprised. Many said they had known about it for years but understood the swinger couple wanted to keep it to themselves. (If these were the trench coat women, it’s no wonder people knew.)
What about the family and friends who were told, who did not know anything or suspect anything about the lifestyle? Were they shocked and appalled? Not according to the people I have spoken with. Most said that more than anything, they were curious about swinging. They asked a lot of questions but did not seem to have a negative reaction. Many couples said that both friends and many family members (mostly siblings), eventually asked if they could tag along one night to see what it was all about.
Swingers would be surprised (or maybe not) to learn how connected the lifestyle is; even for people in some type of lifestyle related business. The industry is comprised of the most friendly, warm and helpful group of people. All of us have one goal, and that is to unite the lifestyle community. Most people I work with all say the same thing: I am more interested in connecting people in the lifestyle than in making money. Sure, it is a business, but it is also very personal. Who wouldn’t want to be associated with such a genuine group of people? Most of them have said that their families and friends know they are swingers and take it in stride. They felt no judgement when they told others about it and feel completely comfortable that people know.
Like any other group, in order to gain acceptance, we must learn to stand up for what we believe in. Swingers should not be ashamed of their lifestyle. Obviously it is not necessary to divulge what you do when you are at a swing club, or party or other event, any more than you would give blow by blow (pun intended) details to others about what you and your significant other do in your bedroom. No need to reveal that you participated in a gang bang with 15+ men last Saturday or tried double penetration for the first time and loved it. Many swingers don’t swap, and many people in the lifestyle are not swingers. Enjoying the warm atmosphere that accompanies the lifestyle is a wonderful thing and people should not have to hide from it.
There are many well known actors and singers who are open about their lifestyle choices and for some reason, people find this ‘normal’ and acceptable. Why? Why are they held to a different standard than the rest of us. Because they are famous? Even with their disclosure they are still sought after and some of them are highly influential people.
Revealing to others that you are open minded should not be a negative thing. After all, if you think about it, being a part of the lifestyle really doesn’t mean more than that. If your children or parents told you the same thing, would it concern you? Sure, at first it might come as a surprise but would you be upset or concerned? Probably not.
When we initially came up with the concept for the jewelry, we had just this vision in mind. Wear the jewelry with pride. First of all, others do not know what it means. Secondly, even if they did, what does it really say about you? That you are open minded, nothing more.
Let’s continue the movement to unite the lifestyle. There is a lot to be learned from people who choose to be apart of it. Honesty, respect and fun are the three hallmarks of the lifestyle. What could be better than that?
Newbies is a term swingers use which refers to people who are new to the lifestyle. The word “newbie” is not a new term and is even listed in the merriam-webster dictionary:
One of the wonderful things about the lifestyle is the variety of people it attracts. People from all walks of life are swingers. We were approached recently by a couple on a beach who spotted our flag and wanted to ask about the lifestyle. (Glad the flag works!)
They have never been in any type of lifestyle environment ( which is why we use the term “newbies”) and thought the nude beach might help them get some information about swing clubs and swinger resorts. They were smart because there are many swingers that frequent the nude beach. They had no idea how to know who was a swinger so the flag came in handy for that! The woman (who was wearing a rather conservative one piece bathing suit) was very apprehensive about the type of women she would find in a swing club. She somehow felt she would not measure up to swing club standards. The man did not seem particularly concerned with this and it should come as no surprise that she was in better shape than he. I suppose it is normal to have preconceived notions about what you will see on your first trip to a swing club and newbies are never sure if they will fit in. She went on to explain that she is not as thin as she was, or in as good shape as she was 20 years ago. She was afraid that all the women in a swing club or at a resort such as Desire or Secrets Hideaway would be perfect tens and that would intimidate her. She was concerned that they would all ooze sexuality and she was still raising children and did not really consider herself particularly sexy. She mentioned that she is not good with hair and make up and prefers a more natural look. How could she ever compete with all of the glamorous women with perfect hair, make up and bodies?
I was not sure why her perception of swing clubs was like this but we spent a good hour talking to them about the realities of lifestyle venues and what types of people you will find. We assured her that in any given swing club you will see a very broad spectrum of both men and women. It is possible you will spot a woman you think is the perfect model, but isn’t beauty in the eye of the beholder? Every man I have ever met has different taste when it comes to women. Some look at breasts, some at legs, some at the face, some like certain hair and others like a combination of things. Some men like very thin women and some like very large women, so how can we decide who is a perfect ten? I told her if she is concerned that she will find a bunch of Victoria Secret models walking around the club, she is worried for nothing. Every swing club and swinger resort we have ever been to has been made up of all types of women. Tall, short, fat, thin, beautiful blown out hair styles, wet matted hair, curly, straight, long and short hair, big boobs, small boobs, no boobs, beautiful dresses, jeans, shorts, fishnets, you name it. Some women wear 6″ stilettos and others sport flip flops. Some women have had plastic surgery and some seem not to be interested in the shape or size of their bodies. There is no particular style or trend in any club I have ever been to. In my opinion, women should never worry that they won’t “measure up” in a swing club because there are all types of women.
The same goes for men. Men come in all shapes and sizes. You will find some men with hair, some without, some well dressed, some not. Some men have big bellies, some have big muscles; some are well endowed and some are not. The beauty of the lifestyle is everyone can play. Swingers do not seem to notice the color of anyone’s hair or skin and they seem unconcerned with what you do for a living. Bring a smile and a warm, open attitude and anyone can have a good time.
Life is too short to worry about what others might think. The beauty of the lifestyle is the variety of people you will meet and how the majority of people are just there to have a good time. Nobody cares what you are wearing or if your makeup is perfect. Wear what makes you comfortable and bring a positive attitude.
The couple seemed happy to hear that they would fit in just fine but before they left I did offer her a small piece of advice: After years of raising children and leaving your “sexy self” behind, you will shocked to see how fast it will return when you enter a swing club. Find what makes you feel good and wear it with pride. The only person you should want to impress is your husband and the same goes for him. As for the people in the club? They will like you if you are friendly, that’s all you need to fit in!
Slut is a word we are all familiar with. We heard it used a lot in high school to shame girls who had sex with too many guys. It did not occur to me in those years that we did not have a term for the males who were doing the same thing.
I stumbled upon an article the other day which was talking about the number of sexual partners people have had over the course of their lifetime, and what it says about them.
The article is actually quite interesting and at the same time a bit alarming. As a swinger, reading that the general population thinks that the ideal number of past sexual partners for both men and women is 7, concerns me. Seven?! Seriously?! I know people who have sex with 7 different people in one night!
My immediate reaction to the notion that a new man in my life would want to hear that I have only slept with 7 men prior to him, was that I felt a little nauseous. I think I had slept with 7 guys before I graduated from college. What does this mean? I was (and still am) a total slut? Probably, but lucky for me, my husband appreciates the fact that I love sex as much as he does.
I don’t think anyone would be surprised to learn that both men and women tended to change their true numbers slightly (at their own admission). Men tended to say they have had sex with more women than they actually have, while women tended to say they have had sex with less partners than they have. It is a surprise to me that in the year 2017 people are still so antiquated in their thinking. Men want to be with women who love sex, but they don’t want to be with women who have been too sexually active or who are too experienced.
Perhaps because I have been married for a long time I have lost touch with single stigmas, but come on people, this is 2017. Many people in their 50s, 60s and 70s are part of the baby boomer population. They believe in sex, drugs and rock and roll, don’t they? This generation was having sex, and a lot of it, back in the 60s and 70s. You mean to tell me they were part of this survey? I think not.
I also would have imagined that we were no longer holding women to a different standard than men. We still think men are studs when they have many conquests while women remain sluts for doing the same. We pat men on the back for their accomplishments in bed while we shake our heads in disdain at the women with whom they are doing this. Every time I think we’ve come a long way (baby) I discover that perhaps we really have not. Even the terms we are still using to describe sexually adventurous women versus men have remained unchanged in the way one degrades the woman, while the other praises the man. According to Wikipedia, the term slut is as follows:
Slut is generally a term for a woman or girl who is considered to have loose sexual morals or who is sexually promiscuous. It is usually used as an insult, sexual slur or offensive term of disparagement (slut shaming). It originally meant “a dirty, slovenly woman”, and is rarely used to refer to men, generally requiring clarification by use of the terms male slut or man whore.
Today, the term slut has a pervasive presence in popular culture and pornography, but is almost exclusively used to describe women. An exact male equivalent of the term does not exist. The lack of a comparably popular term for men highlights the double standard in societal expectations (gender roles) between males and females, as negative terms for sexually promiscuous males are rare.
This is one of the reasons why swinging and the lifestyle are such wonderful outlets. Nobody is judging anyone within the lifestyle. If you love sex, good for you! Curious to try something new? This is the place! Judge free zone! Everyone is free to explore their fantasies. In all of the years that I have been in the lifestyle, I have never heard anyone put a woman down for sleeping with too many men. Even the women who like gang bangs and trains. Most people just shrug their shoulders and say whatever she’s into to, glad she’s having fun.
For swingers, the standards set by the general population do not apply. Men in the lifestyle are not really interested in women who do not want to play. People are in the lifestyle for this purpose! Sexually open women are the norm, as are the sexually adventurous women. Men seem drawn to the women who exude sex as they are certain that it will prove to be an enjoyable experience. As far as asking about or caring about how many sexual partners someone has had? I’ve never heard anyone discuss this within the confines of the lifestyle. Truth is, most people would probably laugh and say, “I have no idea, I lost count!”
It fascinates me that men who are not in the lifestyle prefer women who have slept with (at most) 7 partners. They feel that more than that signifies a promiscuous woman. What the survey did not discuss was a woman’s age. What if she’s 50 and has never been married? I hope these men are open to the thought that their partner to be likes to masturbate. Or, open to the notion that this partner does not like sex. Either way, how do you put a number on something like this, and more importantly who are they to judge?
Women also think the magic number of previous partners for men is 7. For a man who is 25, I can see the how this number is probably fair game. If the man is 40, I’m not so sure.
I think I can speak for most people in the lifestyle when I say that the number 7 made me laugh out loud when I heard it. Most real swingers who spend every weekend (and for some 1 or more nights a week) in a lifestyle venue of some sort, would probably agree that they hit that magic number often; some after a few weeks, others after a few months.
Does this make all the women in the lifestyle a bunch of sluts? Probably to those who choose not to be in the lifestyle. What about the men? I imagine they would simply call the men in the lifestyle “lucky”. For those who are in the lifestyle, I sincerely doubt they care. They are usually both very happy in their relationship with their significant other and with their decision to swing. I suppose if any of us find ourselves single and being asked our “number,” we have two choices: lie or look for another swinger!
Before we entered the lifestyle we were just a regular married couple. We were predictable and somewhat boring. The only time we were slightly less normal was when we kicked the door to our bedroom closed and had sex. It was just the two of us and we never had to make up stories about anything. But then we discovered swinging and everything changed…
At the beginning of our “swinging career” we did not realize how many times we would have to come up with excuses for our bizarre behavior. We discovered over the years, that things had a way of going very wrong at times, leaving us looking a little crazy.
We have become professionals at coming up with crazy stories on the spot. Several years ago we returned home late one evening after spending the night at a private party. The kids were always asleep by that hour so I wasn’t worried about walking into the house wearing a sheer dress. Imagine my surprise when we were greeted in the doorway by my sister who had come over to stay with the kids because something had scared them. She promised them she would stay until we got home. Great! So there I am, standing in the hallway in a see-through dress. I would have been wearing panties but they got lost at the party. My husband rushed off saying he had to use the bathroom and left me standing there. I had to think quick! I told her I changed into the dress in the car on the way home because it was a turn on for my husband; kind of a prelude to having sex when we got home. Lucky for me, I had a change of clothes in my hand because I left the house dressed because of the kids. She just shook her head, mumbled something about whatever works for us, and walked out the door.
My very curious 7 year old once decided to play dress up without my knowledge. My parents were visiting and she emerged from my bedroom wearing a school girl outfit carrying a pair of 6 inch stilettos asking for my assistance in putting them on. My mother had a horrified look on her face but I quickly explained it was for a Halloween party that dared women to be outrageously inappropriate. My parents agreed that I should win the first place prize.
Not too long ago we were en route to a swing club when our tire blew out on the highway. We were stuck on the side of the interstate, which is bad enough, but to make matters worse, I was wearing something I will say is not appropriate to wear out in public . First there was the police…He comes to my side of the car. I roll down the window and as he is asking us if we need help while he is trying not to stare at my outfit. There is no question that he thinks my husband just picked up a prostitute as I am dressed like Julia Roberts from “Pretty Woman.” I was sure he would ask where we were headed but he did not. He called for a tow truck and drove away. Next was the tow truck driver. Yes, we not only had to get out of the car and stand on the side of the highway, but we had to ride in the tow truck in the front seat pressed up against him as we were three across. I begged my husband to sit in the middle but he assured me that there was no chance he would. It wasn’t over yet. Next we had to wait at the shop where we brought the car. The owner seemed amused as I tried in vain to somehow cover myself with my legs and hands while we waited for a friend (thankfully a lifestyle friend) to come and pick us up. Once again I was rambling on, telling the owner just how embarrassing this was, that the one night we were invited to a crazy costume party, this had to happen.
In my never ending quest to find the perfect slutty outfits for lifestyle events, I stumbled across a store one day that had the perfect clothing. I have to admit I went a little bit crazy and bought several dresses and a few pairs of shoes. As luck would have it, just as I am unloading the packages from the trunk of my car, my neighbor walks over to see me. “Let me see what you bought,” she exclaimed! I am absolutely stunned to see her there and try desperately to come up with a reason why I can’t stop and show her. She follows me into the house and I realize I am up against the wall. “Oh, these are not things for me to wear,” I chuckle, “These are costumes for a show my daughter is auditioning for!” Thankfully, she lost interest and changed the subject.
Then there was a night we were returning home very late from an expo at a nearby hotel and we had to stop for gas. What are the chances but guess who pulls in to pump gas on the other side of the pump? I hear my husband chatting and look out the window to see my son! I am wearing a skirt that is so short that it covers nothing when I am sitting and my blouse is completely sheer. It is only a matter of time before he will come over to say hello and I cannot figure out what to do! I curl up in a ball and lean on the passenger door so he will think I am asleep. I hear him knock on the window and I don’t move. It worked, he walked away! (Yes, I felt terrible but let’s face it, I had no choice!)
One night we went to a party at a vanilla friend’s home. We were having a good time talking and dancing. At one point we are with the hostess and some of her friends talking in a big circle. This couple walks over and after a few minutes he points to us and says, “I know you guys from somewhere.” He does not look at all familiar to me or to my husband. He follows it up with, “Actually, it is you who I recognize but not really your husband.” Again, I tell him I have never seen him before but we introduce ourselves to him to be polite. As I reach over to shake his hand, he blurts out, “I know where I have seen you! You go to Checkmate, the swing club! I see you there dancing all the time but usually you are with someone else on the dance floor!” This is absolutely true but obviously I can’t admit it! We tell him that he is crazy that we have never even heard of the place and it is not us. At this point everyone in the circle is listening to the conversation. I shake my head and tell them I must look like someone else but it is definitely not me. We all laugh at the thought of going to a swing club! For the rest of the night, every time he sees us he tells us that he knows it is us. I could not wait to leave this party! The best part is, we left early to go to Checkmate!
There are so many times we find ourselves stumbling over each other to come up with excuses and stories because we do not want to tell people that we are in the lifestyle. How much easier would life be if we would come clean and just admit it! Perhaps one day we will…
“If you don’t swing, don’t ring”
Hugh Hefner played a large part in shaping society as we know it today. With the launch of Playboy magazine in 1953, he opened America’s eyes not just to the beauty of naked women, but he started a conversation about sex and sexuality.
I can remember finding Playboy magazines in my brother’s room when I was in middle school. He hid them underneath his bed and as soon as he was out, I would flip through them. I couldn’t understand why he was hiding them so one day I bravely pulled pages of the naked girls out of the magazine and pinned them onto his bulletin board. He was shocked (and pissed) when he walked into his bedroom. My mother came in to see what the fuss was all about. She shrugged her shoulders and told him it added some character to his room. He left them on the board for as long as I can remember.
Hugh Hefner did what others thought about. He lived an extraordinary life which exuded sexuality. He did not apologize for opening people’s minds up about sex. If swingers have someone to thank, it is clearly Hugh Hefner. Without him, we would not be where we are today. He allowed people to talk and think about sex. He dated multiple women at the same time and nobody was hiding this fact. It was his life and he lived it as he chose.
I often hear that people think Hugh Hefner was exploiting women but I find that reprehensible. Why do people blame him for the way some women choose to live their lives? He offered them something and it was their to decision to be a part of it or not. Why is it that every time a woman is sexy or sexual it is always said it must be to please a man? I will be the first to say that when I want to look sexy, it is for me. It is how I choose to look or act. Please don’t blame the men in my life for something they have no control over!
Hugh Hefner paved the road for others to seek out the lifestyle that he lived. His extravagant parties at the Playboy Mansion with beautiful, sexy women. What fun they must have had! They always looked like the ultimate swinger parties! How I wish we could have attended one. Would it disturb me to see all those beautiful Playboy Playmates running around in their skimpy bikinis and bunny ears? No! Why would it? The women were all doing this at their free will. If it was something that was against them, they should not have been there at all.
It is not surprising that Hugh Hefner’s name sparks controversy primarily amongst women. Some see him as the anti-feminist; a man who spent his life exploiting women, squeezing them into their tight corsets with little white cotton tails and bunny ears atop their heads, all to appease a group of chauvinistic men. Many women feel his need to constantly surround himself with young, perfectly proportioned blondes was arrogant and pathetic. Marrying women 30 years his junior only fueled the fire. My question remains: who was he hurting? Women who could not live up to his standards of beautiful or sexy? Women who insist on being recognized and applauded for their accomplishments in their field of work, and not their physical bodies? Hefner was quick to point out that he treated women as “sexual beings” and not “sexual objects.” This is where I think Hefner was actually helping women to accept their sexuality. To be open to the notion of enjoying sex.
Personally, I will always see Hugh Hefner as a visionary, a pioneer in the sexual liberation of both men and women. He did not hide from the controversies that surrounded his lifestyle choices. The original Playboy Mansion even had a doorplate that read, Si Non Oscillas, Noli Tintinnare “If you don’t swing, don’t ring.”
Hugh Hefner might have been the most open swinger of our time. Hopefully, we can pick up the ball and keep running with it. Swingers have come a long way, but they are not at the finish line just yet. RIP Hef.