Swingers: Why is it a secret that you are in the lifestyle?

Why do swingers feel the need to keep their lifestyle a secret?  I frequently hear people say that nobody knows that they are in the lifestyle.  They would die if someone found out.   Why is that?  At first I wondered if these people were very religious, but they are not.  I wondered if their children were at an age that it would create confusion and uncertainty, but they are not.  Do they think they are doing something criminal or unethical?  They do not.  Hmm.  Would exposure embarrass them?   This question got a nod.   Embarrassed, why?

Admitting that you are a swinger should be a lot less traumatic than admitting you are having an affair, no?  After all, one is cheating and lying to someone you say you are in love with, the other is not.  Swingers are out having a great time, enjoying parties and events that others can only dream of.  Cheaters are sneaking around, worrying that at any moment they will be caught, which would certainly disrupt their lives and the lives of those around them.

I wonder how many swingers are truly living this lifestyle unbeknownst to their friends and family.  Probably not nearly as many as believe they are.  Often times I watch swingers arrive at a club clad in an over sized trench coat in the middle of the summer.  When I ask these women if their family or neighbors don’t find this strange they say they don’t think so.  Really?  It’s 90 degrees outside and you leave your house or condo wearing a trench coat cinched at the waste with stiletto heels and nobody thinks that’s odd?

Many swingers have said that when they finally decided to reveal the truth about their lifestyle, their friends and family members were not surprised.  Many said they had known about it for years but understood the swinger couple wanted to keep it to themselves.  (If these were the trench coat women, it’s no wonder people knew.)

What about the family and friends who were told, who did not know anything or suspect anything about the lifestyle?  Were they shocked and appalled?  Not according to the people I have spoken with.  Most said that more than anything, they were curious about swinging.  They asked a lot of questions but did not seem to have a negative reaction.  Many couples said that both friends and many family members (mostly siblings), eventually asked if they could tag along one night to see what it was all about.

Swingers would be surprised (or maybe not) to learn how connected the lifestyle is; even for people in some type of lifestyle related business.  The industry is comprised of the most friendly, warm and helpful group of people.  All of us have one goal, and that is to unite the lifestyle community. Most people I work with all say the same thing:  I am more interested in connecting people in the lifestyle than in making money.  Sure, it is a business, but it is also very personal.  Who wouldn’t want to be associated with such a genuine group of people?  Most of them have said that their families and friends know they are swingers and take it in stride.  They felt no judgement when they told others about it and feel completely comfortable that people know.

Like any other group, in order to gain acceptance, we must learn to stand up for what we believe in.  Swingers should not be ashamed of their lifestyle.  Obviously it is not necessary to divulge what you do when you are at a swing club, or party or other event, any more than you would give blow by blow (pun intended) details to others about what you and your significant other do in your bedroom.  No need to reveal that you participated in a gang bang with 15+ men last Saturday or tried double penetration for the first time and loved it.  Many swingers don’t swap, and many people in the lifestyle are not swingers.  Enjoying the warm atmosphere that accompanies the lifestyle is a wonderful thing and people should not have to hide from it.

There are many well known actors and singers who are open about their lifestyle choices and for some reason, people find this ‘normal’ and acceptable.  Why?  Why are they held to a different standard than the rest of us.  Because they are famous?   Even with their disclosure they are still sought after and some of them are highly influential people.

Revealing to others that you are open minded should not be a negative thing.  After all, if you think about it, being a part of the lifestyle really doesn’t mean more than that.   If your children or parents told you the same thing, would it concern you?  Sure, at first it might come as a surprise but would you be upset or concerned?  Probably not.

When we initially came up with the concept for the jewelry, we had just this vision in mind.  Wear the jewelry with pride.  First of all, others do not know what it means.  Secondly, even if they did, what does it really say about you?  That you are open minded, nothing more.

Let’s continue the movement to unite the lifestyle.  There is a lot to be learned from people who choose to be apart of it.  Honesty, respect and fun are the three hallmarks of the lifestyle.  What could be better than that?

How can you tell if another couple wants to swing with you?

A couple and single girl at a bar wearing Partners ID Jewelry
A couple and single girl at a bar wearing Partners ID Jewelry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Swinging can sometimes feel like dating.  Remember in the past when you met someone and then spent a fair amount of time wondering if they liked you?  Then you tried to decide if they liked you, or liked you liked you.   The only difference now, is that usually, swingers are couples looking for other couples.  Although it sounds so simple, it is not.  Instead of the traditional one person seeking out another, it is now one couple (2 people) looking for another couple (2 more people).  That equals four people who must all be on the same page.  It might not sound that complicated but it can be.

The other part of this equation is wondering when you do meet other swingers, how to know which couples wants to swing with you.  That too, can be complicated.  When you are dealing with a couple, maybe the man likes you but his wife doesn’t like your husband (or vice versa).  The problems with four people are multiplied dramatically so it’s important to pay attention to signs and signals that other couples are giving you.

Swing clubs are a great place to meet other couples (or singles) to swing with. They have a sexy, night club atmosphere and most of the people who are there, are there to swing. This does not mean, however, that every couple you meet wants to swing with you. So how can you tell who is and who is not interested?

Most adults have learned that when they are in a social situation, they should be friendly and warm. We were taught to be polite and smile. If someone talks to us, we should have the common courtesy to listen and even join in the conversation. People in swing clubs, tend to be very friendly and welcoming to each other. So with all this smiling and kindness, how can we distinguish between people are who being polite and people who are interested in having sex?

For some couples, it’s not that hard to figure out, whereas for others, they seem to have no clue at all (think Sheldon Cooper). Here is a little quiz to help you determine if you are on the right track to finding other couples to play with:

You are sitting at the bar and a couple walks over. They are trying to get the bartenders attention and since you are sitting there, they say hello. You and your significant other find them attractive so you try to engage them in conversation. They are friendly and answer your questions but as soon as the bartender hands them their drinks, they turn and walk away. Now, this should be an easy one…
This couple is interested, you have a shot: True or False

(False, clearly, they are not interested.)

Let’s try another, shall we? A couple is seated next to you on a couch. They seem friendly and you strike up a conversation with them. The husband answers your questions but the wife is not paying any attention. She is busy watching people on the dance floor. While you are talking to him, the husband turns and asks his wife if she wants to dance. They pop up and leave for the dance floor. Hm, what do you think?
A. They will be back in a few minutes and we will have another chance to win them over?

B. We have no shot let’s go find another couple.

If you chose A, you should probably keep reading until the end!

How about this situation: a couple approaches you while you are at the bar and asks if anyone is sitting in the seats next to you. You say no and the couple sits down. They introduce themselves and tell you it’s their first time in this club. They are friendly and you are encouraged that maybe this can work. You talk with them for a while and they get up to go and dance. After a few songs, they return to their seats next to you. A couple sits down on the other side of them and they turn to engage in conversation with them. You and your significant other walk around to join the two couples in conversation. They continue talking while you stand there. You don’t want to be rude so you patiently wait for them to introduce you to this couple. After a few minutes, nobody attempts to bring you into the conversation. You decide to go back to your seats at the bar.
No problem, in a few minutes they will turn back and chat with us.

B. Not looking good, they were just being friendly.
Don’t wait too long for this couple, it seems they have found a couple they prefer.

You meet a couple standing along side the dance floor. You try to engage them in conversation and although the wife is friendly, the husband is looking around while you are talking to him. He answers your questions but doesn’t ask you any. A few times you even had to repeat yourself because he didn’t hear you. His wife grabs his hand while you are talking to her.
She’s hot and she’s friendly. She will persuade him to be with us.

B. Finding couples is harder than we thought. Let’s move on.

It’s B! When she grabbed his hand, she was trying to tell you something… He showed a clear disinterest from the get go.
You decide to dance and are enjoying the time with your wife. You notice a couple watching you and smiling. When you leave the dance floor they approach you at the bar. They are friendly and she greets you with a kiss on the cheek. The man is attentive to your wife and his wife is attentive to you. She plays with her hair while laughing at your jokes.

This is it! We might actually have a chance with this couple!

B. They are just being friendly, I’m not sure if they really have any interest.

I hope you chose A! This was a gimme, a no brainer.

Believe it or not, we see this all the time. Couples who hang around when there is no chance what so ever that the couple they are clinging to have any interest in them. Sometimes all it really requires, is to pay close attention to what their body language is saying. If someone is standing with their arms crossed and a forced smile on their face, that should tell you that they are not interested. If someone touches you or is engaged in what you say, that’s a good sign. If they turn towards you and have a genuine (not fake) smile, think positive! If the person you are talking to is not making eye contact, walk away. If someone likes you, they will make you feel comfortable and important. They will be present in the moment with you. They will ask you questions and listen carefully to what you have to say. If someone is busy looking around to see what else is available, that means they have no real desire to be with you.

Although we always stress how important communication is, in this type of situation, nobody will tell you that they are not interested, it is just too rude. They will, however, do whatever they can with their body language to let you know. Non verbal cues are all you are going to get to let you know when a coupe is or is not interested. All you have to do, is pay attention to what it is they are trying to say.

Swinging should be fun but figuring out who wants to swing with you can sometimes be confusing! The more experience you have in the lifestyle the easier it will become! Good luck!

Newbies tend to have a perception of swingers that is not always accurate.

Newbie swinger woman toasting friends wearing Partners ID jewelry
Newbie swinger woman toasting friends wearing Partners ID jewelry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Newbies is a term  swingers use which refers to people who are new to the lifestyle.  The word “newbie” is not a new term and is even listed in the merriam-webster dictionary:

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/newbie

One of the wonderful things about the lifestyle is the variety of people it attracts.  People from all walks of life are swingers.   We were approached recently by a couple on a beach who spotted our flag and wanted to ask about the lifestyle. (Glad the flag works!)

They have never been in any type of lifestyle environment ( which is why we use the term “newbies”) and thought the nude beach might help them get some information about swing clubs and swinger resorts.  They were smart because there are many swingers that frequent the nude beach.  They had no idea how to know who was a swinger so the flag came in handy for that!  The woman (who was wearing a rather conservative one piece bathing suit) was very apprehensive about the type of women she would find in a swing club.  She somehow felt she would not measure up to swing club standards.  The man did not seem particularly concerned with this and it should come as no surprise that she was in better shape than he.  I suppose it is normal to have preconceived notions about what you will see on your first trip to a swing club and newbies are never sure if they will fit in.  She went on to explain that she is not as thin as she was, or in as good shape as she was 20 years ago.  She was afraid that all the women in a swing club or at a resort such as Desire or Secrets Hideaway would be perfect tens and that would intimidate her.  She was concerned that they would all ooze sexuality and she was still raising children and did not really consider herself particularly sexy.  She mentioned that she is not good with hair and make up and prefers a more natural look.  How could she ever compete with all of the glamorous women with perfect hair, make up and bodies?

I was not sure why her perception of swing clubs was like this but we spent a good hour talking to them about the realities of lifestyle venues and what types of people you will find.  We assured her that in any given swing club you will see a very broad spectrum of both men and women.   It is possible you will spot a woman you think is the perfect model, but isn’t beauty in the eye of the beholder?  Every man I have ever met has different taste when it comes to women.  Some look at breasts, some at legs, some at the face, some like certain hair and others like a combination of things.  Some men like very thin women and some like very large women, so how can we decide who is a perfect ten?  I told her if she is concerned that she will find a bunch of Victoria Secret models walking around the club, she is worried for nothing.  Every swing club and swinger resort we have ever been to has been made up of all types of women.  Tall, short, fat, thin, beautiful blown out hair styles, wet matted hair, curly, straight, long and short hair, big boobs, small boobs, no boobs, beautiful dresses, jeans, shorts, fishnets, you name it.  Some women wear 6″ stilettos and others sport flip flops.  Some women have had plastic surgery and some seem not to be interested in  the shape or size of their bodies.   There is no particular style or trend in any club I have ever been to.  In my opinion, women should never worry that they won’t “measure up” in a swing club because there are all types of women.

The same goes for men.  Men come in all shapes and sizes.  You will find some men with hair, some without, some well dressed, some not.  Some men have big bellies, some have big muscles; some are well endowed and some are not.  The beauty of the lifestyle is everyone can play.  Swingers do not seem to notice the color of anyone’s hair or skin and they seem unconcerned with what you do for a living.  Bring a smile and a warm, open attitude and anyone can have a good time.

Life is too short to worry about what others might think.  The beauty of the lifestyle is the variety of people you will meet and how the majority of people are just there to have a good time.  Nobody cares what you are wearing or if your makeup is perfect.  Wear what makes you comfortable and bring a positive attitude.

The couple seemed happy to hear that they would fit in just fine but before they left I did offer her a small piece of advice:  After years of raising children and leaving your “sexy self” behind, you will shocked to see how fast it will return when you enter a swing club.  Find what makes you feel good and wear it with pride.  The only person you should want to impress is your husband and the same goes for him.  As for the people in the club?  They will like you if you are friendly, that’s all you need to fit in!

Ok, fine, I’m a slut, a whore and a nymphomaniac. But, you should know, I’m very satisfied!

Slutty woman in underwear wearing Partners ID belly ring
Slutty woman in underwear wearing Partners ID belly ring

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Slut is a word we are all familiar with.  We heard it used a lot in high school to shame girls who had sex with too many guys.  It did not occur to me in those years that we did not have a term for the males who were doing the same thing.

I stumbled upon an article the other day which was talking about the number of sexual partners people have had over the course of their lifetime, and what it says about them.

https://onlinedoctor.superdrug.com/whats-your-number/

The article is actually quite interesting and at the same time a bit alarming. As a swinger, reading that the general population thinks that the ideal number of past sexual partners for both men and women is 7, concerns me.  Seven?! Seriously?! I know people who have sex with 7 different people in one night!

My immediate reaction to the notion that a new man in my life would want to hear that I have only slept with 7 men prior to him, was that I felt a little nauseous. I think I had slept with 7 guys before I graduated from college. What does this mean? I was (and still am) a total slut?  Probably, but lucky for me, my husband appreciates the fact that I love sex as much as he does.

I don’t think anyone would be surprised to learn that both men and women tended to change their true numbers slightly (at their own admission). Men tended to say they have had sex with more women than they actually have, while women tended to say they have had sex with less partners than they have. It is a surprise to me that in the year 2017 people are still so antiquated in their thinking. Men want to be with women who love sex, but they don’t want to be with women who have been too sexually active or who are too experienced.

Perhaps because I have been married for a long time I have lost touch with single stigmas, but come on people, this is 2017. Many people in their 50s, 60s and 70s are part of the baby boomer population. They believe in sex, drugs and rock and roll, don’t they? This generation was having sex, and a lot of it, back in the 60s and 70s. You mean to tell me they were part of this survey? I think not.

I also would have imagined that we were no longer holding women to a different standard than men. We still think men are studs when they have many conquests while women remain sluts for doing the same. We pat men on the back for their accomplishments in bed while we shake our heads in disdain at the women with whom they are doing this. Every time I think we’ve come a long way (baby) I discover that perhaps we really have not. Even the terms we are still using to describe sexually adventurous women versus men have remained unchanged in the way one degrades the woman, while the other praises the man. According to Wikipedia, the term slut is as follows:

Slut is generally a term for a woman or girl who is considered to have loose sexual morals or who is sexually promiscuous.[1][2] It is usually used as an insult, sexual slur or offensive term of disparagement (slut shaming).[2][3] It originally meant “a dirty, slovenly woman”,[2] and is rarely used to refer to men, generally requiring clarification by use of the terms male slut or man whore.

Today, the term slut has a pervasive presence in popular culture and pornography, but is almost exclusively used to describe women. An exact male equivalent of the term does not exist. The lack of a comparably popular term for men highlights the double standard in societal expectations (gender roles) between males and females, as negative terms for sexually promiscuous males are rare.[5][14]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slut

This is one of the reasons why swinging and the lifestyle are such wonderful outlets. Nobody is judging anyone within the lifestyle. If you love sex, good for you! Curious to try something new? This is the place! Judge free zone! Everyone is free to explore their fantasies. In all of the years that I have been in the lifestyle, I have never heard anyone put a woman down for sleeping with too many men. Even the women who like gang bangs and trains. Most people just shrug their shoulders and say whatever she’s into to, glad she’s having fun.

For swingers, the standards set by the general population do not apply. Men in the lifestyle are not really interested in women who do not want to play. People are in the lifestyle for this purpose! Sexually open women are the norm, as are the sexually adventurous women.  Men seem drawn to the women who exude sex as they are certain that it will prove to be an enjoyable experience.  As far as asking about or caring about how many sexual partners someone has had?  I’ve never heard anyone discuss this within the confines of the lifestyle. Truth is, most people would probably laugh and say, “I have no idea, I lost count!”

It fascinates me that men who are not in the lifestyle prefer women who have slept with (at most) 7 partners. They feel that more than that signifies a promiscuous woman. What the survey did not discuss was a woman’s age. What if she’s 50 and has never been married? I hope these men are open to the thought that their partner to be likes to masturbate. Or, open to the notion that this partner does not like sex. Either way, how do you put a number on something like this, and more importantly who are they to judge?

Women also think the magic number of previous partners for men is 7. For a man who is 25, I can see the how this number is probably fair game. If the man is 40, I’m not so sure.

I think I can speak for most people in the lifestyle when I say that the number 7 made me laugh out loud when I heard it. Most real swingers who spend every weekend (and for some 1 or more nights a week) in a lifestyle venue of some sort, would probably agree that they hit that magic number often; some after a few weeks, others after a few months.

Does this make all the women in the lifestyle a bunch of sluts?  Probably to those who choose not to be in the lifestyle. What about the men? I imagine they would simply call the men in the lifestyle “lucky”. For those who are in the lifestyle, I sincerely doubt they care. They are usually both very happy in their relationship with their significant other and with their decision to swing. I suppose if any of us find ourselves single and being asked our “number,” we have two choices: lie or look for another swinger!

Swingers can find themselves in some hilarious situations! Learning to think fast helps!

Swinger couple hiding in the bushes
Swinger couple hiding in the bushes

Before we entered the lifestyle we were just a regular married couple.  We were predictable and somewhat boring.  The only time we were slightly less normal was when we kicked the door to our bedroom closed and had sex.  It was just the two of us and we never had to make up stories about anything.  But then we discovered swinging and everything changed…

At the beginning of our “swinging career” we did not realize how many times we would have to come up with excuses for our bizarre behavior.  We discovered over the years, that things had a way of going very wrong at times, leaving us looking a little crazy.

We have become professionals at coming up with crazy stories on the spot. Several years ago we returned home late one evening after spending the night at a private party. The kids were always asleep by that hour so I wasn’t worried about walking into the house wearing a sheer dress. Imagine my surprise when we were greeted in the doorway by my sister who had come over to stay with the kids because something had scared them. She promised them she would stay until we got home. Great! So there I am, standing in the hallway in a see-through dress. I would have been wearing panties but they got lost at the party. My husband rushed off saying he had to use the bathroom and left me standing there. I had to think quick! I told her I changed into the dress in the car on the way home because it was a turn on for my husband; kind of a prelude to having sex when we got home. Lucky for me, I had a change of clothes in my hand because I left the house dressed because of the kids. She just shook her head, mumbled something about whatever works for us, and walked out the door.

My very curious 7 year old once decided to play dress up without my knowledge. My parents were visiting and she emerged from my bedroom wearing a school girl outfit carrying a pair of 6 inch stilettos asking for my assistance in putting them on. My mother had a horrified look on her face but I quickly explained it was for a Halloween party that dared women to be outrageously inappropriate. My parents agreed that I should win the first place prize.

Not too long ago we were en route to a swing club when our tire blew out on the highway.  We were stuck on the side of the interstate, which is bad enough, but to make matters worse, I was wearing something I will say is not appropriate to wear out in public . First there was the police…He comes to my side of the car. I roll down the window and as he is asking us if we need help while he is trying not to stare at my outfit. There is no question that he thinks my husband just picked up a prostitute as I am dressed like Julia Roberts from “Pretty Woman.” I was sure he would ask where we were headed but he did not. He called for a tow truck and drove away. Next was the tow truck driver. Yes, we not only had to get out of the car and stand on the side of the highway, but we had to ride in the tow truck in the front seat pressed up against him as we were three across. I begged my husband to sit in the middle but he assured me that there was no chance he would. It wasn’t over yet. Next we had to wait at the shop where we brought the car. The owner seemed amused as I tried in vain to somehow cover myself with my legs and hands while we waited for a friend (thankfully a lifestyle friend) to come and pick us up. Once again I was rambling on, telling the owner just how embarrassing this was, that the one night we were invited to a crazy costume party, this had to happen.

In my never ending quest to find the perfect slutty outfits for lifestyle events, I stumbled across a store one day that had the perfect clothing.  I have to admit I went a little bit crazy and bought several dresses and a few pairs of shoes.  As luck would have it, just as I am unloading the packages from the trunk of my car, my neighbor walks over to see me.  “Let me see what you bought,” she exclaimed!  I am absolutely stunned to see her there and try desperately to come up with a reason why I can’t stop and show her.  She follows me into the house and I realize I am up against the wall.  “Oh, these are not things for me to wear,” I chuckle, “These are costumes for a show my daughter is auditioning for!”  Thankfully, she lost interest and changed the subject.

Then there was a night we were returning home very late from an expo at a nearby hotel and we had to stop for gas.  What are the chances but guess who pulls in to pump gas on the other side of the pump? I hear my husband chatting and look out the window to see my son!  I am wearing a skirt that is so short that it covers nothing when I am sitting  and my blouse is completely sheer.  It is only a matter of time before he will come over to say hello and I cannot figure out what to do!  I curl up in a ball and lean on the passenger door so he will think I am asleep.  I hear him knock on the window and I don’t move.   It worked, he walked away!  (Yes, I felt terrible but let’s face it, I had no choice!)

One night we went to a party at a vanilla friend’s home.  We were having a good time talking and dancing.  At one point we are with the hostess and some of her friends talking in a big circle.  This couple walks over and after a few minutes he points to us and says, “I know you guys from somewhere.”  He does not look at all familiar to me or to my husband.  He follows it up with, “Actually, it is you who I recognize but not really your husband.”  Again, I tell him I have never seen him before but we introduce ourselves to him to be polite.  As I reach over to shake his hand, he blurts out, “I know where I have seen you!  You go to Checkmate, the swing club!  I see you there dancing all the time but usually you are with someone else on the dance floor!”   This is absolutely true but obviously I can’t admit it!  We tell him that he is crazy that we have never even heard of the place and it is not us.  At this point everyone in the circle is listening to the conversation.  I shake my head and tell them I must look like someone else but it is definitely not me.  We all laugh at the thought of going to a swing club!  For the rest of the night, every time he sees us he tells us that he knows it is us.  I could not wait to leave this party!  The best part is, we left early to go to Checkmate!

There are so many times we find ourselves stumbling over each other to come up with excuses and stories because we do not want to tell people that we are in the lifestyle.  How much easier would life be if we would come clean and just admit it!  Perhaps one day we will…

 

Hugh Hefner; should we call him the “Father of Swing”?

Hugh Hefner with 3 beatuiful blonde women
Photo: yayimages.com / ImageCollect

 

“If you don’t swing, don’t ring”

Hugh Hefner played a large part in shaping society as we know it today. With the launch of Playboy magazine in 1953, he opened America’s eyes not just to the beauty of naked women, but he started a conversation about sex and sexuality.

I can remember finding Playboy magazines in my brother’s room when I was in middle school. He hid them underneath his bed and as soon as he was out, I would flip through them. I couldn’t understand why he was hiding them so one day I bravely pulled pages of the naked girls out of the magazine and pinned them onto his bulletin board. He was shocked (and pissed) when he walked into his bedroom. My mother came in to see what the fuss was all about. She shrugged her shoulders and told him it added some character to his room. He left them on the board for as long as I can remember.

Hugh Hefner did what others thought about. He lived an extraordinary life which exuded sexuality. He did not apologize for opening people’s minds up about sex. If swingers have someone to thank, it is clearly Hugh Hefner. Without him, we would not be where we are today. He allowed people to talk and think about sex. He dated multiple women at the same time and nobody was hiding this fact. It was his life and he lived it as he chose.

I often hear that people think Hugh Hefner was exploiting women but I find that reprehensible. Why do people blame him for the way some women choose to live their lives? He offered them something and it was their to decision to be a part of it or not. Why is it that every time a woman is sexy or sexual it is always said it must be to please a man? I will be the first to say that when I want to look sexy, it is for me. It is how I choose to look or act. Please don’t blame the men in my life for something they have no control over!

Hugh Hefner paved the road for others to seek out the lifestyle that he lived. His extravagant parties at the Playboy Mansion with beautiful, sexy women. What fun they must have had! They always looked like the ultimate swinger parties! How I wish we could have attended one. Would it disturb me to see all those beautiful Playboy Playmates running around in their skimpy bikinis and bunny ears? No! Why would it? The women were all doing this at their free will. If it was something that was against them, they should not have been there at all.

It is not surprising that Hugh Hefner’s name sparks controversy primarily amongst women. Some see him as the anti-feminist; a man who spent his life exploiting women, squeezing them into their tight corsets with little white cotton tails and bunny ears atop their heads, all to appease a group of chauvinistic men. Many women feel his need to constantly surround himself with young, perfectly proportioned blondes was arrogant and pathetic. Marrying women 30 years his junior only fueled the fire. My question remains: who was he hurting? Women who could not live up to his standards of beautiful or sexy? Women who insist on being recognized and applauded for their accomplishments in their field of work, and not their physical bodies? Hefner was quick to point out that he treated women as “sexual beings” and not “sexual objects.” This is where I think Hefner was actually helping women to accept their sexuality. To be open to the notion of enjoying sex.

Personally, I will always see Hugh Hefner as a visionary, a pioneer in the sexual liberation of both men and women. He did not hide from the controversies that surrounded his lifestyle choices. The original Playboy Mansion even had a doorplate that read, Si Non Oscillas, Noli Tintinnare “If you don’t swing, don’t ring.”
Hugh Hefner might have been the most open swinger of our time. Hopefully, we can pick up the ball and keep running with it. Swingers have come a long way, but they are not at the finish line just yet. RIP Hef.

Couples who overstep in the lifestyle; some types you might encounter in a swing club

Two girls in a bar
Two girls in a bar

 

Swing clubs are a great way for swingers to meet each other.  They are set up in a way that makes it easy and comfotable to find others for a night of fun.  Sometimes you meet a fabulous couple and you click, but what happens when you meet others who are not on the same page as you or who are not of interest to you?

Let’s face it, there are many different types of couples you will come across when you enter the lifestyle. Some are wonderful and fun to be around, others, not so much. The problem for these difficult couples is that once other swingers get to know them a bit, they try to stay away from them.

Swingers tend to be very friendly, but sometimes others might mistake their kindness, for interest. Talking to a couple seated next to you at the bar of a swing club does not necessarily mean you want to play with them. Dancing with a couple who asks you to switch with them on the dance floor does not mean you plan to go back to the playroom with them. Being friendly and kind should not be interpreted as interest.

The Stalkers

Yes, that’s right, stalking. Sure, I’m using the term loosely, but it can feel that way when you are in a swing club and a couple is constantly after you. You meet a couple in a swing club and you are nice to them. They introduce themselves and you are polite and friendly, yet do nothing to lead them on. After a few minutes you are expecting them (praying) that they will walk away but they don’t. You excuse yourselves to go dance and guess what? They appear on the dance floor and ask to cut in. To be polite you dance one song with them and graciously switch back to be with your significant other. When you return to your seat, there they are, waiting for you.

At this point, you have no choice but to be a little less friendly. After all, you have no interest in this couple, but they don’t seem to notice. You talk between yourselves hoping they will get the point but they linger, trying to butt into your conversation. Now what?

You excuse yourselves again to get up and walk around. You find other people to talk to and spend the remainder of your time in the front of the club with these people. As it gets later, you and your significant other head to the back play area. As soon as you are ready to close your locker, guess who is standing there?

You get the point. The question is, why don’t they understand you are not interested? Do you really have to come right out and say it? Nobody wants to be rude or cruel to someone, but what choice are they leaving you?

 

The mismatched couple

We all know couples like this. One member of the couple is very attractive, the other half, not so much. We speak often about taking one for the team and most couples agree, this is not a good idea. The problem is these couples can be quite charming, as it seems they realize they have to compensate for their situation.

We frequently see very attractive women, with less attractive men. These women are the friendliest I ever meet. The problem is your partner, although he is on your side, he becomes the target. These women are masters of their craft. They seem so innocent that you can’t help but like them. They are sweet and appeal to your significant other. The truth is, she might be the most wonderful human being, but that does not mean that other women want to play with their man.

This can be a difficult situation, especially if you are all friends. You certainly don’t want to hurt anyone but the question is: how do you handle this? Avoiding them is impossible because of the friendship. It is very important to be on the same page as your significant other. Stand united that they are friends but not playmates. Eventually, they will understand that you are not interested in playing with them.

 

Friends who are not really swingers

You become friendly with people over time that you meet in a swing club. You see them frequently and enjoy their company. You have discovered that they are not really swingers. They enjoy the atmosphere of the club, but are not open to playing with other couples.
The problem is that although you like them, you don’t want to spend entire evenings chatting with them because it keeps you from meeting other couples.

You try to position yourselves in a way that others can stop and talk to you but they insist on being included in every encounter. Do you spend the entire night chatting with them?

The best way to handle this is, again, to dance. Once you walk away you can linger with others couples in a different area. You are not trying to hurt them, but instead to show them you have other friends that you like to talk to. You can also excuse yourselves and say you are ready to head to the playroom. Take your time on your way back and do your own thing. You really do not owe that couple or any other, explanations for what you do,

 

Couples you have played with who seek you out time and time again

Every swinger couple is different. Some like to meet and get to know others before playing. Some prefer to just find a couple in the moment when in the playroom. Some like to play with the same couple many times, some have a one time only rule. So what happens when you have played with a couple a few times but they think every time they see you, you would like a repeat performance, when actually you do not.

This is probably one of the more difficult situations. These are couples who will probably wait until you are in the playroom to approach you. You are in a vulnerable position when the two of you are alone in the back. A couple you have played with before plops down next to you and feels comfortable enough to join the two of you. There is almost no way out of this situation, other than to say you were hoping to play alone. The problem is, if you do end up with another couple, this can be a sticky situation.

 

Couples who are pushy and difficult

Sometimes you will encounter couples who are pushy in the playroom. They are very confident and have no trouble approaching you. You and your significant other agree to play with them but things get complicated quickly. One of them is not really open to swapping or isn’t willing to share their partner.

Why do these couples bother involving others in their game playing? My partner frequently refers to these couples as “requiring us to have a book and telling us what page we are on.” It is always complicated and never enjoyable.

Like in any other area of your life, you will always meet all kinds of people. Some you will like and click with, others you will not. The problem is figuring out how to handle couples who don’t seem to understand your non verbal cues.

The best advise for all couples, is to be friendly and easy going. Pay attention to non verbal cues that people are giving you. Don’t expect too much from other couples. Most couples in a swing club want to be free to meet and talk with many different couples. Try not to monopolize people; give them space to move about during the night. Don’t be heavy and make it difficult for people to get away from you. If a couple is interested in you, they will let you know.

 

Why are some swingers so successful in the lifestyle while others are not?

Happy group of swingers celebrating
Happy group of swingers celebrating

 

What makes some people so good at swinging, while others seem to fail miserably?

If you think about what attracts you to someone else, although it might initially be a physical attraction, it goes deeper than that for most people. The most popular people, in any aspect of life, are not necessarily the best looking.  The also applies to swingers.

Swinging is very social, so in order to be successful, you must engage with other people. If you walk into a swing club or party with an attitude, you will probably spend the night alone. Swinging is not for snobs or people who think they are better than others. That type of attitude might have made you popular in high school, but it won’t work in the lifestyle. Couples who are friendly and warm, will, without a doubt have the most success.

Some couples seem to have it all figured it out. The best part is, it is very natural for them and that is probably why it works so well. Couples who enter a club or party and are warm and friendly to everyone are always well liked. Who doesn’t like it when a person shows genuine interest in them? When someone really wants to hear what you have to say or what you think, you enjoy speaking with them. People who smile and make eye contact get a lot further than those who act like they are doing you a favor by blessing you with their presence.

Have you ever spoken with someone and they are busy looking around while you are talking? How does that make you feel? Special? Important? Not really, more than likely you feel like you are a bother to them.

How about then you talk with someone and they make eye contact with you while you are speaking. They listen intently and ask pertinent questions. They touch your arm or your shoulder and show a genuine reaction to what you are saying. That shows they have interest in you as a person.

When someone smiles and touches you, laughs along with you and pays you a compliment, you instantly like them. What’s not to like? It is couples like this that have the most success in the lifestyle (and probably everywhere else). When someone is happy to see you and gives you a warm greeting, you can’t help but like them.

What about the opposite? The couple who saunters into a swing club or party and does not smile. They do not greet anyone and do not make eye contact. They stand together in a way that makes them seem unapproachable. If people do approach them, they appear to be bothered by their presence, like they have something better to do than speak with them. How much success is this couple going to have?

We have witnessed couples like this before. They think they are a beautiful couple and seem to believe that anyone would be lucky to play with them. After spending their night alone in the front of the club they move to the backroom where they think they will have more success.

The backroom etiquette is not unlike the front. If you are friendly and warm, and you want to play with others, assuming your hygiene is up to par, there is no reason that you cannot find others to play with. However, if you stand around waiting for someone to approach you when you have a truly unfriendly look on your face, prepare to stand alone all night. If another couple is brave enough to approach you, and you treat them with indifference, they will probably move on rather quickly.

Couples who are engaging are generally fun to play with. They are not selfish and difficult to deal with, and others make note of that for the future. However, if you think you are doing another couple a favor by letting them touch you and play with you while you are looking around and keeping your hands behind you, good luck next time.
The lifestyle can be a pretty tight knit community. Swing clubs, more often than not, have a core group that know each other very well. Many couples spend 2 or more nights per week in the club and have known each other for years. The majority of these swingers are happy to meet new people and can spot the friendly ones right away. The couples who walk in acting like they own the place don’t seem to realize what a big turn off that is to others. To the couples who are regulars, they know the couple is new and don’t understand what the attitude is about. To the other new couples, they are uncomfortable because they make them feel unwanted.

We have witnessed new couples sitting around the perimeter of the dance floor pointing and laughing at couples who are dancing. Do they think other people can’t see them? Most people find that type of behavior offensive and would avoid that couple. Other couples smile and try to attract attention by saying hello to couples they have never met. Which couples would you prefer to meet?

Attitude is everything. If you want to be successful in the lifestyle, you must be friendly to everyone. It does not mean you want to play with everyone, but everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness.

If you want to be successful when you swing, treat others as you would like to be treated. Smile, be friendly, be warm and be kind.

Swingers are people you see everyday and most of them are the nicest you will ever meet.

multi ethnic hands in a circle
multi ethnic hands in a circle

 

People  always seem to feel threatened by what they do not understand.  For some reason swingers have always had a strange reputation.  When people hear the word swinger, it seems to elicit an image of couples from the 1970s.  Men wearing polyester shirts open to their navel and women wearing silk scarves wrapped around their heads.  Even Law and Order SVU aired an episode that was supposedly taking place in a swing club.  As soon as Oliva and Elliott (2 detectives) walked in, they showed people touching them and propositioning them.  Although it is humorous, it is completely ridiculous.  Any swinger will tell you that not only do people not act like that, they most certainly don’t look like they are from another era altogether!

Swingers are also always depicted as harsh and pushy.  Watching movies and tv shows would make you believe that swingers think about nothing more than their next conquest.  They plot and scheme while trying to lure their friends, neighbors and coworkers into the lifestyle.  The reality is quite the opposite.  Swingers generally prefer to stick with other known swingers.  Trying to “recruit” others to swing, is difficult and dangerous at best.

Swinging is not for people who are unkind.  Swingers make up a small community of tight knit folks who usually know many of the same people.  Swingers mix with people from all walks of life.  There is no concern with what your occupation is or how much money you make.  Politics are rarely spoken about, as this is a topic that will surely divide people.  Swingers are not looking for conflict.  People are in the lifestyle to have a good time.

Swingers are people you see everyday.  It might be your boss, your lawyer, your doctor, neighbor, coworker, cashier, gardener, painter, car mechanic, etc.  Swingers are regular everyday people who have decided with their spouse or significant other to explore a different lifestyle.  Are swingers different from everyone else?  Maybe they are, but the truth is, it could be for a positive reason.

Swingers are “open”.  Open in their relationships, open to trying new things, meeting new people, etc.. What I am actually referring to, is that from what I have observed, swingers do not discriminate. They do not seem to notice or care if couples are biracial, what their sexual orientation or gender identity is, etc.. If you were to study swingers in a club you would see that they seemly do not even notice. How wonderful is that? Could the rest of society not take something from this?

Swingers are special. It is not about sex, it is about the fact that as a population they are warm, inviting and inclusive; not like the real world at all. I have often marvelled at the whole concept of a swing club, especially the back room: Naked men and women walking around in towels (or not) randomly caressing someone as they walk by. Some people they know, some they don’t. Couples playing together and sometimes reaching out to others nearby to join them. You would think there would be too much testosterone and there would be many fights. Nope. In all the years I have been in a swing club, I have seen only one fight and it was not between members. It was a single guy who was non compliant and when asked to leave took a swing at the bouncer. Are you impressed at the level of respect between swingers? I am.

Perhaps instead of  judging what they do not know or understand, people should respect peoples’ rights to privacy and freedom and to behave in any way that works for them. Nobody is trying to recruit the rest of the world to join in. As for now, we are a very special group and we are happy this way.

Taking one for the team; when it comes to swinging, is it ever ok?

Woman thumbs up, man thumbs down
 Swingers are couples who engage in sexual activity with other people.  There are single people in the lifestyle, but for this article we are talking about couples, after all, if you are single, you are not taking one for the team!
Taking one for the team is something that will come up eventually if you and your partner swing;  how you handle this could determine your future in the lifestyle.
For those of you who are not in the lifestyle, what is taking one for the team?  We all know that the likelihood of two couples finding each other completely equal and appealing is unlikely and unusual.  More often than not, at least one person in the foursome is not attracted to their prospective partner for the evening.  Taking one for the team is when the person who is not attracted, goes along to make their spouse happy and plays with someone they would rather not play with.
Is this really a good idea?  Some people know that they are extremely particular and if they wait to find the “perfect” person for them to play with, they will probably never play.  It’s especially challenging when someone who is very picky is married to someone who is not.  These people can find themselves in situations where they are constantly saying no to potential foursomes and this can create an issue between a couple.  In this case, if the picky person does not lower their standards, they will either never play or will have to take one for the team to make their partner happy.  The question remains, is this a good idea?
Sometimes when confronted with a potential foursome, one of the couple knows that their spouse is very attracted to their potential playmate.  The problem is, even though their spouse is attracted, the other part of this couple is not.   If tthis person backs up, their spouse will not have the opportunity to play with this person, and they do not want to deny them an evening of fun.  They go along to make their spouse happy, and they expect, their spouse would do the same for them if the situation was reversed.  Again, is this a good idea?
I wonder in the above circumstances, if the spouse is aware that their partner is taking one for the team?   Taking one for the team can work if you keep it to yourself and go along without making your spouse feel bad about it.  Perhaps your partner for the evening is not your “model” but he seems nice enough and although he’s not your type, you don’t find him repulsive.  Although some people would not agree, it seems impossible that every couple does not make concessions from time to time to make things work.  The problems arise when this is either an ongoing scenario, or only one of you is ever willing to go along to make your partner happy.
If your spouse knows that you are not really onboard, but insists on moving ahead, this is entering dangerous territory.   When you have expressed to your partner ahead of time that someone grosses you out and they press ahead for you to “deal with it,” that’s a sign of an unhealthy relationship to begin with.   Nobody should ever “expect” you to play with someone you are not interested in.  Should you choose to do it, it must be because you have decided for your own reasons to do it.  It is never a good idea to throw it in your spouse’s face.  If you  decide to move forward, and have a bad result, just remember, they did not push you into it.

In order to have a positive experience in the lifestyle, communication is once again the only way to go.  Talk about these situations before and after they happen.  Try to make light of it, as swinging is for the moment.  “Taking one for the team” generally gets a very negative response and people immediately get defensive claiming they will never do it and neither will their spouse.  Again, if someone repulses you,

then of course, back up and make sure your spouse knows how you feel.  If, however, upon closer examination you discover that nobody ever meets your standards, perhaps you should consider a few things:

 1.  Maybe you really do not want to swing and by finding fault with every potential swing partner, you avoid playing with people altogether.
2.  You have ridiculously high standards.  Do you meet the criteria you set for others?
3.  You are not looking to marry the person, just spend a short time with them.  Does it really matter that they don’t meet all your requirements for a potential mate?
4.  You really cannot stand the thought of seeing your partner with someone else.  By finding fault in every potential swing partner you keep them to yourself.
Don’t misunderstand, I am not advocating taking one for the team.  I am simply attempting to help couples take an honest look at whether or not they should or should not ever lower their standards to make their partner happy.  I do know that my partner has implored me never to take one for the team and I feel the same way.  However, if we are honest and think about those couples we have played with, from time to time, we both have done exactly that.  The reason it has not been an issue is that we either laugh about it after or keep that info to ourselves knowing that we did it for the sake of our partner and it was our choice.