Why the swinger lifestyle is good for you. Yes, I mean you!

Who knew that entering the lifestyle would have such an impact on my life?  Like many women, I was not the one who initiated the conversation regarding swing clubs.  To be fair, really, neither was my husband.  It was a stripper at a strip club and that should tell you something about us right away!  Why were we so chummy with the stripper in the first place?  The answer is that we were regulars for a few years.  She observed that I never looked happy to be in the strip club and she took a guess that I was there for my husband.  “Why not take your wife to a swing club” she asked one night.  I had never heard of a swing club and had no idea what it was.  A few weeks later, for my husband’s birthday I surprised him and said I wanted to check out a swing club.  I did not have to ask twice.
I have never been overly confident and having been married for 19 years, I never really thought about flirting with other men.  Sure, men were flirting with me all along but I chose to dismiss it and pretend not to notice.  That’s not to say I didn’t find men attractive or find myself at times attracted to other men, I did, but I never acted on it and tried my best to avoid them.
That was a long time ago as I have been in the lifestyle for about 10 years.  The lifestyle has taught me so much about myself and has given me a tremendous amount of confidence.  What I have learned since the beginning would have been very helpful to know as a 20 year old.  I’m not talking about sex, I’m talking about people and attitudes and friendliness and being open to both experiences and people.  It would be no problem today for me to walk into a bar by myself and make friends with little effort amongst a group of strangers.  Ten years ago I would have waited outside until my husband arrived to go into the bar with him.  Today, he would find me sitting at the bar with a drink in my hand chatting with the people around me.  If I were single, and there was an attractive man at the bar, I would think nothing of walking over and striking up a conversation.  Being single does not frighten me in the least.  Many married “vanilla” friends talk about how they would be totally lost without their spouse and would have no idea how to get back out and date.  They would be terrified by the thought of having to navigate a new relationship.  I sincerely doubt that the majority of people in the lifestyle would feel this way.  We are used to flirting and mingling and talking to total strangers.
It has also taught me about my body and that you do not have to be perfect to be attractive.  It has taught me that what I once thought made a person attractive is not necessarily universal.  When we first entered the lifestyle I imagined the most attractive women with the hottest bodies would be the most sought after by all the men in the club.  What I discovered is that beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder and what is attractive to one person is not necessarily attractive to another.  As a society I feel that magazines, movies and tv regularly make us believe that only the tall, slim, busty girls with perfect hair are what men are looking for, when in reality, men are all different with very different taste and very different ideas of what makes a woman attractive.  Same for women; what attracts one woman is vastly different from what attracts another.
I learned that it is ok to love sex!  When women love sex, they tend to think they must be a slut.  I thought my interest in playing with different guys when I was younger was wrong.  Friends used to ask,  “How many guys
have you slept with?”   When they were in their 20s and told me they had slept with only 5 men I would think OMG, I can never tell anyone the truth!  I never thought to count; I just knew I loved having sex!  The lifestyle taught me that there is nothing wrong with that.  It also has taught me to learn to express what I like in bed.  Most people prefer to know what the person they play with likes.
The lifestyle has taught me that we are only as “old” as we allow ourselves to be.  Many people believe that people over 50 should spend their evenings at restaurants or movies and be home by 11.  What else is there for them to do?  Nightclubs almost predominantly cater to people in their 20s and 30s.  Most people I know who are over 40 years old have no interest in spending an evening at a night club with younger people.  They feel uncomfortable dressing too sexy, they might not enjoy the same music, or how loud it is, and dancing next to someone who is so much younger than yourself can be awkward.  They look at you and wonder what you are doing there.  In a swing club, you get the same night club atmosphere where people are there to have a good time regardless of their age and nobody is judging you.  The freedom in a swing club is very liberating.  To be able to be yourself and show your sexuality as you please is fabulous.  Staying out until 3:00 in the morning on weekends makes you feel young again.  It is impossible to imagine going back to that ‘old person’ mentality after experiencing time in the lifestyle.
The people you meet in the lifestyle are so much different from people you will meet anyplace else.  The conversations are real and nothing is off limits.  I find our conversations with vanilla friends tend to be about our children and our jobs but with lifestyle friends it is about vacation experiences, parties, sex and lifestyle events.  We talk about sex because it is normal and not taboo.   Try talking to your vanilla friends about sex and watch them blush and look at you like you are perverse.
The lifestyle has made me feel alive!  I look forward to any time we spend in any lifestyle venue.  When we embarked upon creating the lifestyle jewelry it was an extension of our love for the whole environment and the people in it.  We are dedicated to continuing to try to make it easier for those of us in the lifestyle to find each other!  Party on people!
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Swinging when you have children; how to stay one step ahead of them.

A title like “Swinging with Children” might attract the wrong kind of attention.                                                         

The original title for this article was actually “Swinging with Children” but when I went back to edit it, I was afraid the Feds would come knocking at my door. For that reason the title had to be changed to “Swinging when you have children.”

Couples who enjoy swinging and have children, quickly discover the challenges involved in juggling their ‘secret life’ with their regular life. There are a number of interesting things to consider when you have children, and this does not just apply to small children.

Word to the wise:  children are much smarter than we give them credit for; even when they are very young.  Never underestimate them!

When you start swinging and your children are young, the biggest obstacle is generally child care. It quickly becomes apparent that if you are planning to stay out until 2 or 3 in the morning, babysitters can be difficult to find.  Babysitters are also usually also old enough to wonder where you are going.   If you are smart enough to leave the house conservatively dressed, they still wonder where you go that is open so late.  We always preferred to leave the children with our parents for the night.  This allowed us to come and go as we pleased.  Unfortunately,  Grandma and Grandpa were only going to have sleep overs so often!

Excuse me but I think you are missing a shoe…

Another problem is that after having wild sex and getting dressed to return home, you probably do not look as put together as you did when you left the house. There are times your hair will be wet from sweating, your shirt will be buttoned wrong, your fly might not be zipped back up or you are wearing something inside out. That is, if you can even  return home in what you wore while you were out. Many of us must change our clothing either in the garage or in the car, because we would never be caught dead in our club clothes!

For those of us who have tried to sneak past the babysitter to change out of our club clothes quickly, you can rest assured that one of your children is probably in your bed and will wake up as soon as you cross the threshold.  I can remember sneaking into my bedroom one night thinking my daughter was asleep in her bed.  It wasn’t until a few days later that I discovered not only wasn’t she asleep, but she was busy recording me as I ran into my room to change.  Apparently she wanted to show my mother how funny my hair looks when I come home late at night.

With young children, another problem is that they do not really care how late you were out the night before. They get up before the sun, and you are going to have to pay for that in the morning! Other than that, young children might be easier than older ones when you swing.

Woman who was out swinging, hiding in the bushes wearing Partners ID bracelet
Woman hiding in the bushes wearing Partners ID bracelet

 

 

 

 

Don’t kids ever go to sleep?
When your children are a little bit older but still live at home, the problems can be even more challenging. First off, where to hide your swinger clothes? Unless you have a spare closet with a lock on it (and even then), your children will find it. I can remember my kids telling my mother how many pairs of “hooker shoes” I own. These shoes were in a locked closet that has a key that I thought was well hidden; apparently I was wrong.

Sneaking out of the house with a change of clothing can also become tricky. If you think they won’t notice that you are wearing something under your sweater, trust me, they will. If you try to carry them out in a large handbag, they will ask questions.  After many attempts to fool them, I discovered the only way is to plan ahead. When the kids are not home, plan your outfit for the evening ahead of time and put it in the trunk of your car or hide it in the garage.

Returning home with older kids can also pose a bigger challenge. They never go to sleep! No matter how late you come home, somehow they are always awake and you cannot avoid them. This means you must change back into the clothing you left the house in.  You also have to make sure you don’t look like a hot mess!  Be prepared to answer the question they will inevitably ask: where were you until this hour and who were you with?

When you are out swinging often, it starts to become a challenge! They also are aware that nothing is open this late.  We used to try to get our stories straight on the ride home from an evening of swinging.  It became pretty routine to tell them that we sat and drank coffee with friends long after a restaurant was closed or watched movies at a friend’s house.  We were aware that our children probably did not believe us but we couldn’t come up with anything else!

Somehow we all imagined that when our children were old enough to leave home we would be able to enjoy the lifestyle without a care in the world. We deserve to have some fun, right? Well, unfortunately grown children present their own set of challenges for us. First of all we have to consider that one day they could show up in a swing club or at a lifestyle event all on their own; and if not them, maybe their friends.

Grown children are quite computer savvy so it is critical to make sure there are no pictures of our faces associated with anything lifestyle related.  We cringe when any of them ask to borrow our computer, as probably most people in the lifestyle would understand what they might stumble upon.

Grown children also present us with grandchildren. Now they are looking to get out and naturally turn to us for help.  They would like us to babysit from time to time but we are rarely free on weekends.   They say they don’t mind going out later.   They ask us to just come by when we return home to watch the kids for a few hours…Yes, we will be back around 3am if that works for you.

You can reach us on our cell phone if you need us.

They ask for itineraries when we travel, but we cannot provide one because we are headed out on a lifestyle cruise or to a swinger resort.  We try to remember to take some vanilla pictures while on these excursions as inevitably, they will ask to see photos!

Eventually they will borrow your phone and ask why all your friends have no last names.  Your grown daughter will ask to borrow a dress or a pair of shoes and before you can react, she is walking into your closet.  They ask why they have never met  many of the friends that we talk about.

We have even had one of our children pop in unannounced on a Sunday morning, only to discover that friends of ours had stayed the night.  Thankfully they were still asleep.  We quickly said that we were afraid to let them leave because they had too much to drink.   I can’t help wondering how we would have explained having breakfast in our underwear, or the four of us naked in the hot tub, had he shown up a little later.
Yes, the lifestyle certainly presents challenges from day one when you have children. You must learn to be creative and most importantly to think ahead. Make sure you and your spouse discuss what story you will tell, as it’s very important to relay the same story! Unfortunately, at some point there will be questions and strange looks as your children are much smarter than you think. It’s all in fun and it keeps the lifestyle interesting!

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Ok, fine, I’m a slut, a whore and a nymphomaniac. But, you should know, I’m very satisfied!

Slutty woman in underwear wearing Partners ID belly ring
Slutty woman in underwear wearing Partners ID belly ring

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Slut is a word we are all familiar with.  We heard it used a lot in high school to shame girls who had sex with too many guys.  It did not occur to me in those years that we did not have a term for the males who were doing the same thing.

I stumbled upon an article the other day which was talking about the number of sexual partners people have had over the course of their lifetime, and what it says about them.

https://onlinedoctor.superdrug.com/whats-your-number/

The article is actually quite interesting and at the same time a bit alarming. As a swinger, reading that the general population thinks that the ideal number of past sexual partners for both men and women is 7, concerns me.  Seven?! Seriously?! I know people who have sex with 7 different people in one night!

My immediate reaction to the notion that a new man in my life would want to hear that I have only slept with 7 men prior to him, was that I felt a little nauseous. I think I had slept with 7 guys before I graduated from college. What does this mean? I was (and still am) a total slut?  Probably, but lucky for me, my husband appreciates the fact that I love sex as much as he does.

I don’t think anyone would be surprised to learn that both men and women tended to change their true numbers slightly (at their own admission). Men tended to say they have had sex with more women than they actually have, while women tended to say they have had sex with less partners than they have. It is a surprise to me that in the year 2017 people are still so antiquated in their thinking. Men want to be with women who love sex, but they don’t want to be with women who have been too sexually active or who are too experienced.

Perhaps because I have been married for a long time I have lost touch with single stigmas, but come on people, this is 2017. Many people in their 50s, 60s and 70s are part of the baby boomer population. They believe in sex, drugs and rock and roll, don’t they? This generation was having sex, and a lot of it, back in the 60s and 70s. You mean to tell me they were part of this survey? I think not.

I also would have imagined that we were no longer holding women to a different standard than men. We still think men are studs when they have many conquests while women remain sluts for doing the same. We pat men on the back for their accomplishments in bed while we shake our heads in disdain at the women with whom they are doing this. Every time I think we’ve come a long way (baby) I discover that perhaps we really have not. Even the terms we are still using to describe sexually adventurous women versus men have remained unchanged in the way one degrades the woman, while the other praises the man. According to Wikipedia, the term slut is as follows:

Slut is generally a term for a woman or girl who is considered to have loose sexual morals or who is sexually promiscuous.[1][2] It is usually used as an insult, sexual slur or offensive term of disparagement (slut shaming).[2][3] It originally meant “a dirty, slovenly woman”,[2] and is rarely used to refer to men, generally requiring clarification by use of the terms male slut or man whore.

Today, the term slut has a pervasive presence in popular culture and pornography, but is almost exclusively used to describe women. An exact male equivalent of the term does not exist. The lack of a comparably popular term for men highlights the double standard in societal expectations (gender roles) between males and females, as negative terms for sexually promiscuous males are rare.[5][14]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slut

This is one of the reasons why swinging and the lifestyle are such wonderful outlets. Nobody is judging anyone within the lifestyle. If you love sex, good for you! Curious to try something new? This is the place! Judge free zone! Everyone is free to explore their fantasies. In all of the years that I have been in the lifestyle, I have never heard anyone put a woman down for sleeping with too many men. Even the women who like gang bangs and trains. Most people just shrug their shoulders and say whatever she’s into to, glad she’s having fun.

For swingers, the standards set by the general population do not apply. Men in the lifestyle are not really interested in women who do not want to play. People are in the lifestyle for this purpose! Sexually open women are the norm, as are the sexually adventurous women.  Men seem drawn to the women who exude sex as they are certain that it will prove to be an enjoyable experience.  As far as asking about or caring about how many sexual partners someone has had?  I’ve never heard anyone discuss this within the confines of the lifestyle. Truth is, most people would probably laugh and say, “I have no idea, I lost count!”

It fascinates me that men who are not in the lifestyle prefer women who have slept with (at most) 7 partners. They feel that more than that signifies a promiscuous woman. What the survey did not discuss was a woman’s age. What if she’s 50 and has never been married? I hope these men are open to the thought that their partner to be likes to masturbate. Or, open to the notion that this partner does not like sex. Either way, how do you put a number on something like this, and more importantly who are they to judge?

Women also think the magic number of previous partners for men is 7. For a man who is 25, I can see the how this number is probably fair game. If the man is 40, I’m not so sure.

I think I can speak for most people in the lifestyle when I say that the number 7 made me laugh out loud when I heard it. Most real swingers who spend every weekend (and for some 1 or more nights a week) in a lifestyle venue of some sort, would probably agree that they hit that magic number often; some after a few weeks, others after a few months.

Does this make all the women in the lifestyle a bunch of sluts?  Probably to those who choose not to be in the lifestyle. What about the men? I imagine they would simply call the men in the lifestyle “lucky”. For those who are in the lifestyle, I sincerely doubt they care. They are usually both very happy in their relationship with their significant other and with their decision to swing. I suppose if any of us find ourselves single and being asked our “number,” we have two choices: lie or look for another swinger!

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Why swinging keeps you young.

     Have you ever noticed that so many swingers actually look younger than vanilla people of the same age?   It’s true, they really do. Why do you suppose this is?  There are a few reasons for this and I think most swingers will agree with them.

First let’s take a step back and consider your life before you entered the lifestyle and started to swing.   Before you entered the lifestyle, chances are you had been married for many years to the same person.  You both had your routine:  job, kids, family obligations, etc.  Your sex life had taken a back seat, it was something you were often too tired to think about.  You would pull yourself together when the two of you had plans on weekend nights and exercise was something you tried to fit into your busy, daily routine.  The two of you were comfortable but also kind of in a rut; there was no real excitement in your married life.

Now, you discover the lifestyle and decide to check out a swing club.  Wow!  Party time!  The electricity and excitement you felt when you walked into the club for the first time was palpable!  The crowd, the people, the clothing, the shoes, the partying was amazing!  The people in the club were friendly and inviting.   The dance floor was packed and it was an electrifying environment to say the least.  All this, without ever stepping foot in the back room.  You stay out until 3 in the morning, which you haven’t done since you were a teenager, then head home.

As soon as you hit the door to your bedroom, your clothing comes off and the two of you have the best sex you have had in years.  You wake up the next morning and have sex again.  Wow, that hasn’t happened in years!  You feel energized and eager to talk about the next time.

The anticipation of a return night to a swing club changes your priorities.  Thinking about wearing tighter, more provacative clothing gives you the inclination to hit the gym.  It makes you think twice about what you are eating because you are now thinking about how you look.  What will you wear?  How about my hair, does it need a trim?  Do I need to get a wax?   You think:   I might want to check out the back room one day so I should be prepared.

Once you and your partner become regular swingers, your lifestyle changes to incorporate thoughts of looking and feeling your best.  It’s hard to stay out until 3 in the morning if you are not well rested.  Suddenly you  begin to think about making time for yourself to make sure you are in tip top shape for the next night out.  You discover that suddenly you are more excited about your life, you have something that you look forward to and for many people, this extends past the weekends and into the week.  You discover your local swing club is open Wednesday through Sunday and decide to check it out during the week.

By incorporating a week day trip to the swing club, you think about your body and appearance all week long.  At first, you could take a few days off at the beginning of the week to look good for the weekend.  Now, it’s game on!  Many swingers who live in warm climates also enjoy spending free time at the nude beach.  Naked in public in the daylight?  That is going to require a serious body workout! Now this is not to say that all, or even most swingers are in tip top shape because honestly that is not the truth.  What I will say is that compared to their vanilla peers, they look younger.  I don’t know if it’s botox or simply the radiance of happiness they give off, but there is a difference.  Perhaps it is because they lead such a full life.  Swingers are busy, social people.  They tend to move in groups, they spend a lot of their time with other swingers.

Being a part of the lifestyle is like belonging to a big fraternity.  Once you identify someone as belonging to this club you are open to them.  When someone approaches you and says they are in the lifestyle, you immediately have something in common and are happy to meet them and say hello.  Before entering the lifestyle, imagine you are at a public beach and some couple says hi to you.  You would probably look at your partner and ask if you know these people.  As a swinger, you don’t care, if you don’t know them, you are happy to meet them.

Perhpas the secret to swinging being the “fountain of youth” is in the activities that swingers engage in.  Dancing is obviously a popular past time in any swing club.  Lifestyle expos and swinger hotels are generally located in warm climates and have events such as volley ball, swimming pool contests and foam parties.  The nights usually begin with dancing and move into playrooms for late night fun.  Swingers are always on the go.  There are cruises, ski vacations, diving excursions, etc. for swingers who like more exotic vacations.  Swinger vacations are so popular that there are many travel agencies dealing with this exclusively.

The lifestyle has so much to offer people of all ages that it is no wonder swingers look young.  Staying active and fulfilled is something everyone should strive for.  We are very lucky to be in the lifestyle!

Swingers are people you see everyday and most of them are the nicest you will ever meet.

multi ethnic hands in a circle
multi ethnic hands in a circle

 

People  always seem to feel threatened by what they do not understand.  For some reason swingers have always had a strange reputation.  When people hear the word swinger, it seems to elicit an image of couples from the 1970s.  Men wearing polyester shirts open to their navel and women wearing silk scarves wrapped around their heads.  Even Law and Order SVU aired an episode that was supposedly taking place in a swing club.  As soon as Oliva and Elliott (2 detectives) walked in, they showed people touching them and propositioning them.  Although it is humorous, it is completely ridiculous.  Any swinger will tell you that not only do people not act like that, they most certainly don’t look like they are from another era altogether!

Swingers are also always depicted as harsh and pushy.  Watching movies and tv shows would make you believe that swingers think about nothing more than their next conquest.  They plot and scheme while trying to lure their friends, neighbors and coworkers into the lifestyle.  The reality is quite the opposite.  Swingers generally prefer to stick with other known swingers.  Trying to “recruit” others to swing, is difficult and dangerous at best.

Swinging is not for people who are unkind.  Swingers make up a small community of tight knit folks who usually know many of the same people.  Swingers mix with people from all walks of life.  There is no concern with what your occupation is or how much money you make.  Politics are rarely spoken about, as this is a topic that will surely divide people.  Swingers are not looking for conflict.  People are in the lifestyle to have a good time.

Swingers are people you see everyday.  It might be your boss, your lawyer, your doctor, neighbor, coworker, cashier, gardener, painter, car mechanic, etc.  Swingers are regular everyday people who have decided with their spouse or significant other to explore a different lifestyle.  Are swingers different from everyone else?  Maybe they are, but the truth is, it could be for a positive reason.

Swingers are “open”.  Open in their relationships, open to trying new things, meeting new people, etc.. What I am actually referring to, is that from what I have observed, swingers do not discriminate. They do not seem to notice or care if couples are biracial, what their sexual orientation or gender identity is, etc.. If you were to study swingers in a club you would see that they seemly do not even notice. How wonderful is that? Could the rest of society not take something from this?

Swingers are special. It is not about sex, it is about the fact that as a population they are warm, inviting and inclusive; not like the real world at all. I have often marvelled at the whole concept of a swing club, especially the back room: Naked men and women walking around in towels (or not) randomly caressing someone as they walk by. Some people they know, some they don’t. Couples playing together and sometimes reaching out to others nearby to join them. You would think there would be too much testosterone and there would be many fights. Nope. In all the years I have been in a swing club, I have seen only one fight and it was not between members. It was a single guy who was non compliant and when asked to leave took a swing at the bouncer. Are you impressed at the level of respect between swingers? I am.

Perhaps instead of  judging what they do not know or understand, people should respect peoples’ rights to privacy and freedom and to behave in any way that works for them. Nobody is trying to recruit the rest of the world to join in. As for now, we are a very special group and we are happy this way.

What would you do if people discovered you are a swinger?

     What if people in your neighborhood, at your child’s school, at your place of worship or at work suspected you were a swinger?  They probably would not know for sure unless they have spotted you at a swinger club or lifestyle event.  In that case, they were there too so it would be ok.  But what if they see or hear something that puts you in a spot that makes denying it very difficult? Would you admit to it or try your hardest to contest what people are pretty sure they know about you?

We were out to dinner a few weeks ago with a couple we often hang out with who are in the lifestyle.  My partner and I stepped outside for a smoke.  When we came back inside, the table was still not ready so we went to the bar. I had looked for a mint when we walked back inside but did not see any.  I asked my partner if he had a piece of gum but he did not.  Our male friend, turned to me and said, “Here, take mine.”  I thought nothing of it.  I put my mouth up to his and he popped the gum into my mouth.  No big deal, right?   I mean I play with this guy all the time; we have done worse.   Wrong.  You know when you have that sense that someone is looking at you?  I turn my head and across the bar I see some vanilla friends and they are all staring at me with their mouths open.  All I could think of was that there is absolutely nothing I can say that would fix this.  I am usually pretty good at thinking quickly in tight spots but I have to tell you, I had nothing!  During dinner, the four of us spent at least 30 minutes after sitting down at our table trying to think of something I could say to make what they witnessed appear normal.  We could not come with anything!  We decided to avoid them at all costs while at the restaurant and hope they would forget about it.  They did stop by our table to say hello but nobody said anything.

I would like to be able tell you that I was able to think of something to say about this when I ran into one of the girls from the bar the following week while picking up my kids from school. Unfortunately I could not think of anything to say that would make that one moment appear normal. What could I possibly tell her that would make this all go away?  I decided to ignore it and hope she would not mention it.  No such luck.  Within the first two minutes of our conversation she questioned me about the couple we were with that evening.    I told her they are old friends of mine from high school.  She then mentioned what she saw.    I did what any good swinger would do; deny, deny, deny.  I laughed and told her she was crazy.  I even threw in an “Ew!  Why would I do that?  That’s just gross!”   The look on her face told me she did not believe a word I had said.

Many years ago, we spent a wild Saturday night in a swing club where we played with a couple and had a lot of fun.   The next day, I was a bit hung over, but as we all know, children really do not care how you are feeling when they want to do something.  As promised, I took my daughter to the mall to look for  a dress for an upcoming party.  We walked into a store and who is in there but the woman from the previous night that we had played with.  She was there with her daughter shopping as well.  She turned and spotted me as we walked into the store and smiled and said hello.  We talked for a moment and then we both turned our attention back to our girls.  I overheard her daughter ask her mother who I was and how she knew me.  I laughed to myself and thought:  I screwed the heck out of your dad last night, that’s how your mom knows me!  My daughter said nothing at the time but later mentioned in the car that she thought it was odd that I have friends that she has neither heard about or met.  I assured her that as parents it is normal for us to know people that she does not, but I could see from her expression that she felt something was not quite right.

We went with a lifestyle couple to a restaurant years ago that was off the beaten path figuring we would not see anyone we know.   It was very small and very hard to find but it was nice and cozy inside.  We sat at the bar while we waited for a table.  I sat next to the man from the other couple and my husband sat next to his wife.  We had a few drinks and laughed as a group,  all the while the man had his arm draped behind my back and was playing with my hair.  The hostess came over and let us know our table was ready.  We all stood up from the bar and  turned around.  At the table right behind where we were sitting was a girl who worked at the front desk where I get my hair done.  Sitting beside her was a friend who lives in my neighborhood and is the biggest gossip I know.  They pretended not to see me so I did the same.  Once again, I could not even think of anything I could say, so I said nothing.  I think it was that night that I decided that there was a very high probability that people in my town knew I was a swinger.

When I came to the realization that people in my community probably at least suspect that I am in the lifestyle, I thought about it long and hard.  I tried to imagine what they were thinking.  I imagined that they envisioned the same thing that I had prior to entering a swing club for myself.  Older men with polyester shirts open to their navel, touching girl’s asses as they walk by; middle aged women trying desperately to appear young and sexy with their fishnet dresses revealing pudgy bodies while teetering around in stiletto heels.  Where does she fit into this picture, I am sure they would be wondering.  No doubt they were picturing groups of people groping each other on dirty mattresses, again, trying to envision me in the midst of the sweaty insanity.  In my own mind, I know that this is a completely inaccurate description of any swing club I have ever been to.  Swing clubs have become beautiful, upscale clubs with very accomplished, successful and attractive couples; not at all what one would imagine if they have never been to one.  More importantly is that I decided that although I will never share my private life with the curiosity seekers who live near me, I am not ashamed to be a swinger.  This is the lifestyle we have chosen and we have never been happier.  When you discover the excitement, the fun, the friends that you find in the lifestyle there is no turning back.  I look at vanilla couples as people who are missing out on something truly wonderful.  It is not so much about the sex as much as it is about the lifestyle as a whole.  It is so liberating to lead such an open and honest life with your partner!  We are a team, we are partners in crime, we have secrets together, not from each other.  Maybe that is why swingers tend to stay in relationships longer; they have no reason to leave.

When it comes to the lifestyle, how much is too much?

Happy couple on a beach
Happy couple on a beach

When it comes to the lifestyle, how much is too much?

Most couples enter the lifestyle relatively slowly. They are curious about swinging and either try a swing club or a private party. Some try a swinger hotel and others use swinger dating sites to meet other couples. Regardless of how they approach the lifestyle, most couples enter slowly and cautiously. Many will try it once and then go for a period of time where they try to decide how they feel about it. More often than not, they do not know other couples in the lifestyle (or are not aware of those they might know) and so this is a solo venture for this couple. They are new and like any other social situation, it takes time to make friends. Many are also not certain that they are prepared to share their significant others. The fantasy was one thing, the reality can be quite another.

After getting comfortable in the lifestyle and with lifestyle friends, many couples tend to move away from their vanilla friends. It really is not intentional, but for most, it is inevitable. You start to want to spend more time at lifestyle events and less time going out to dinner or movies, like you did before.

Some couples discover over time, that the majority of their social lives revolve around the lifestyle. Some spend 3-4 nights a week in a swing club, some travel several times a month to attend lifestyle events. Others, use speed dating on dating sites to find couples for a tryst during the week. There are day time and evening parties on the weekends and many opportunities during the week for meet and greets. If couples want to spend 7 days a week enjoying lifestyle events, they are very easy to find. It does not matter which of these events couples choose, a majority of their free time is spent in a swinging venue of some sort.

Although this is fun and many couples find themselves spending their time like this, is this a good idea for a committed couple? Some would argue that at least a few nights each week are devoted to the couple alone. Perhaps this is true, but is it the same? Are you still getting dressed up and putting your best self forward for your significant other when it is just the two of you? Are you still having sex every night when you are alone?

It is very possible that humans are creatures of habit, and whatever we get used to doing, seems right. Before we discovered the lifestyle, dinner and a movie seemed perfect. It isn’t until couples discover the lifestyle that they discover how boring their lives were before. Maybe it is the same with swinging. We don’t realize that we are not connecting as much as a couple because we spend so much time in the lifestyle. Maybe it isn’t until we step outside that routine that we discover how much we enjoy our significant other. Perhaps spending time alone away from the lifestyle is critical for swingers.

Swingers should remember to always keep putting their significant other first. It is not always easy to do this when you spend too much time in the lifestyle. Spending time away gives you the chance to see your partner in a different light. To remember why the two of you are a couple, while nobody else is interfering. When you spend a lot of time with swingers, people are always flirting and checking each other out. Although there is nothing wrong with that, it is really nice when you get away and discover your partner is looking only at you.

Taking the time to reconnect with your significant other is critical to your relationship. To take time together with no pressure of other people really helps to solidify the relationship you already have. When you have the chance to get away for a few days alone, do it. Don’t use the time to seek out other swingers. Go alone as a couple and spend time with just the two of you. You might be surprised at how refreshed you will feel!

The lifestyle is a lot of fun but it is difficult when it encompasses a couple’s entire social life. We lose focus of our couple and that’s not a good thing.  It is probably a good idea to look for balance in your life.  Spending a few nights a week in the lifestyle is ok as long as you are spending time away in a different social context.

After taking a few days alone, many couples will be ready to return to the lifestyle. They might also find that their new connection makes them approach swinging a little bit slower. They are more in tune with each other, and that can only be a good thing.

 

Taking one for the team; when it comes to swinging, is it ever ok?

Woman thumbs up, man thumbs down
 Swingers are couples who engage in sexual activity with other people.  There are single people in the lifestyle, but for this article we are talking about couples, after all, if you are single, you are not taking one for the team!
Taking one for the team is something that will come up eventually if you and your partner swing;  how you handle this could determine your future in the lifestyle.
For those of you who are not in the lifestyle, what is taking one for the team?  We all know that the likelihood of two couples finding each other completely equal and appealing is unlikely and unusual.  More often than not, at least one person in the foursome is not attracted to their prospective partner for the evening.  Taking one for the team is when the person who is not attracted, goes along to make their spouse happy and plays with someone they would rather not play with.
Is this really a good idea?  Some people know that they are extremely particular and if they wait to find the “perfect” person for them to play with, they will probably never play.  It’s especially challenging when someone who is very picky is married to someone who is not.  These people can find themselves in situations where they are constantly saying no to potential foursomes and this can create an issue between a couple.  In this case, if the picky person does not lower their standards, they will either never play or will have to take one for the team to make their partner happy.  The question remains, is this a good idea?
Sometimes when confronted with a potential foursome, one of the couple knows that their spouse is very attracted to their potential playmate.  The problem is, even though their spouse is attracted, the other part of this couple is not.   If tthis person backs up, their spouse will not have the opportunity to play with this person, and they do not want to deny them an evening of fun.  They go along to make their spouse happy, and they expect, their spouse would do the same for them if the situation was reversed.  Again, is this a good idea?
I wonder in the above circumstances, if the spouse is aware that their partner is taking one for the team?   Taking one for the team can work if you keep it to yourself and go along without making your spouse feel bad about it.  Perhaps your partner for the evening is not your “model” but he seems nice enough and although he’s not your type, you don’t find him repulsive.  Although some people would not agree, it seems impossible that every couple does not make concessions from time to time to make things work.  The problems arise when this is either an ongoing scenario, or only one of you is ever willing to go along to make your partner happy.
If your spouse knows that you are not really onboard, but insists on moving ahead, this is entering dangerous territory.   When you have expressed to your partner ahead of time that someone grosses you out and they press ahead for you to “deal with it,” that’s a sign of an unhealthy relationship to begin with.   Nobody should ever “expect” you to play with someone you are not interested in.  Should you choose to do it, it must be because you have decided for your own reasons to do it.  It is never a good idea to throw it in your spouse’s face.  If you  decide to move forward, and have a bad result, just remember, they did not push you into it.

In order to have a positive experience in the lifestyle, communication is once again the only way to go.  Talk about these situations before and after they happen.  Try to make light of it, as swinging is for the moment.  “Taking one for the team” generally gets a very negative response and people immediately get defensive claiming they will never do it and neither will their spouse.  Again, if someone repulses you,

then of course, back up and make sure your spouse knows how you feel.  If, however, upon closer examination you discover that nobody ever meets your standards, perhaps you should consider a few things:

 1.  Maybe you really do not want to swing and by finding fault with every potential swing partner, you avoid playing with people altogether.
2.  You have ridiculously high standards.  Do you meet the criteria you set for others?
3.  You are not looking to marry the person, just spend a short time with them.  Does it really matter that they don’t meet all your requirements for a potential mate?
4.  You really cannot stand the thought of seeing your partner with someone else.  By finding fault in every potential swing partner you keep them to yourself.
Don’t misunderstand, I am not advocating taking one for the team.  I am simply attempting to help couples take an honest look at whether or not they should or should not ever lower their standards to make their partner happy.  I do know that my partner has implored me never to take one for the team and I feel the same way.  However, if we are honest and think about those couples we have played with, from time to time, we both have done exactly that.  The reason it has not been an issue is that we either laugh about it after or keep that info to ourselves knowing that we did it for the sake of our partner and it was our choice.

Being a swinger is like having an open door to live out your sexual fantasies!

truckblonde   Everyone has a fantasy of some sort.  Everyone has at least one sexual fantasy.  Most people probably have a repertoire of sexual fantasies.  How many people have ever told someone what their fantasies are?  For people who are not in the lifestyle, the thought of exposing these fantasies to anyone is impossible to imagine.  Perhaps for some people this is something they discuss with close friends but how many people would tell their partner?  Should this not be a part of an intimate relationship?  Are people fearful that their partner will laugh?  Be appalled?  Be scared?

What are sexual fantasies and why are they so common?  There are an endless amount of sexual fantasies that are common among men and women.  Although they tend to vary between sexes some themes are more common than others.  Some of the more common sexual fantasies are:

  1.  Having sex with someone you know, either a coworker, boss, employee, neighbor, friend, etc.
  2.  Something in the fetish category:  whips and chains, spanking and dominating, submissive sex, etc.
  3.  Having sex in public
  4. Exhibitionism – having others watch you having sex
  5. Voyuerism – watching others having sex
  6. Multiple partners — having sex with more than one person
  7. Gang bangs — either watching or being watched
  8. Masturbating oneself while their partner watches
  9. Girl on girl action — men and women both seem to want this!

You get the point!  The list could go on and on…

Do pent up fantasies contribute to people having affairs outside of their marriage?  Perhaps they do.  This is where swingers benefit!  If most people in the lifestyle were to look at the list above, they would agree that they have participated in many of those fantasies and more.  What is more wonderful than turning fantasy into reality?  Especially when you are engaging in these fantasies with your partner or with your partner nearby?  This is what helps build an open, honest relationship.  No secrets!  How wonderful to be able to open that door with the person you love and share it!

When couples are swingers, every lifestyle event holds promise of a new and exciting adventure.  New people, new situations, new fantasies.  There is no longer a need to make up scenarios secretly in your mind while having sex with your partner.  As every couples knows, there are only so many different positions and so many rooms in your house to have sex in.  After many years together it becomes more and more difficult to think of ways to keep things exciting.  It’s not that you don’t love your partner, it’s that sex can become routine and boring.  Imagine if the two of you were to discuss your secret fantasies.  Better yet, imagine if the two of you went out and tried to fulfill them together.

What could be more exciting than that?

 

A swinger’s life; what happens when the party is over?

swingers enjoying breakfast

Swingers have it all figured out. Sure, things are not always perfect, but for the most part, they live a life others would envy.

The nights are always fun, but what about the next morning? What is that like? Do couples feel ashamed or remorse about the previous night’s activities? Let’s take a look…

A typical Sunday morning for swingers, goes something like this:

After arriving home from a party or club in the wee hours of the morning, most swingers like to sleep in. Anytime between 11:00 and noon, you will discover swingers rolling out of bed. They slip on a robe, brush their teeth, wash their face and head into the kitchen for some coffee.

Often, they have friends who have stayed the night and they are already waiting in the kitchen sipping on coffee. Everyone kisses good morning and the day has begun. Breakfast is a collaborative effort between the group and soon it is time to eat.

Sitting around the table the stories about the night before begin. Everyone talks about who and what they did, laughing at things they can’t clearly remember. The scene is reminiscent of summer camp. Laughing over breakfast, looking forward to the day ahead with friends.

What should the group do today? Head over to the nude beach? For sure, many of the couples from the previous night are already camped out on the beach for the day. The music, the drinks, the friends all lounging around naked; not a bad way to spend the afternoon.

Swingers on the beach are an amazing group. People pack giant coolers with fruits, sandwiches, alcohol, jello shots, etc. all with the intent of sharing with people they know and people they meet for the first time on the beach. They play horseshoes and volleyball, some opt to swim in the ocean, others choose to relax and soak up the sun. Swingers definitely believe the more friends, the merrier. Everyone who wants to be a part of the group is welcome.

If the weather is not quite right for the beach, they relax at home with their friends, sipping bloody marys while watching a movie or a sporting event on tv. Sometimes the swingers will play with their sleep over friends, sometimes not. At times the swingers might play together while their friends hang back and watch.

Lunch time is another group effort as is clean up. The day usually lasts until early evening when friends have to head back to their own place to get ready either for another night of partying or to prepare for work the next day. Everyone kisses goodbye; until next weekend!

Back to the original question: are the mornings after swinger parties or swing clubs full of remorse and disgust? Not so much…

If vanilla couples knew what a swinger’s life is really like, would they still think swingers are crazy? I’m not so sure.