Time Magazine claims “We Are Having So Little Sex,” I beg to differ…

Couple having sex wearing Partners ID swinger jewelry
In the back room of a swing club this past weekend, my husband and I squeezed into a very small spot on a mattress.  Not because the surrounding couples were of interest, but simply because it was the only free spot we could find. 

 I couldn’t help but wonder if the back room could be any more crowded.  Couples were everywhere, using every available space they could find.  Many couples simply played standing up, a few occasionally backing into an emergency exit and setting off the fire alarm door.  

This particular Saturday was not even a special night at the club.  SDC, Kasidie, SLS and Quiver tend to bring big crowds, but they were not in the house.  It was not New Years or Halloween.  It was just another Saturday night at Trapeze in Fort Lauderdale.

It seemed ironic to me because that same day I had come across an article in Time Magazine titled, “Why Are We All Having So Little Sex?”*

Clearly, the word all, does not include swingers.  We are not only having sex, it is standing room only!

Perhaps, once again, swingers are making a good argument for their decision to engage in consensual non-monogamy.  Sex, the way swingers are having it, is not boring or routine.  It is not an obligation, nor is it a game of wait and see who initiates.

Swingers are out of the house when they are looking to play and that might be one of the most important details.  Swing clubs promote sex as dessert.  People come in to eat dinner, have drinks, dance and finally head into the play area.  

Maybe one of the key aspects of swing clubs is that sex is not at home.  It is almost like checking into a hotel.  Even couples who have fallen into a rut at home are more likely to have sex in a hotel.  The scenery is different and there are less distractions.  Most importantly, the kids are not there.  

Couples make sure to clean up and dress smart.  Women want to be sexy and men want to look hot.  The whole process of getting ready is a part of the allure.  

At a swing club, sex is on the menu.  You can have it if you choose, if not, that’s ok too.  The temptation, like chocolate cake, is that it is available.  Right behind the closed doors is an oasis of naked bodies looking for some fun.  Just like the cake, maybe you will have just have a little taste or maybe, you’ll have it all!  

The point is, swingers have not let the ball drop on an important aspect of both their relationship with their significant other and their general well being.  Sex is good for you.  It is exercise, there’s no calories, no chemicals and they can’t do it with their smart phone or computer.  It is good old fashioned face to face (if that’s how you like it) contact with another person.  

You don’t hear couples in a swing club discussing whether or not they feel like having sex tonight.  What you might hear is with whom they would like to have sex.

Perhaps one of the issues regarding sex and long term relationships is not simply the routine of sex but the lack of desire you see from your partner.  The beginning of many relationships is marked by lust. You simply can’t get enough of your partner and they can’t get enough of you.  Sex is incredible and you want it constantly.  

When couples move in together the insatiable desire tends to wane.  We do everything we can to keep the flame burning but over time, life seems to get in the way.  You let your hair down and your partner does not always see you at your best.  

You might try new things in the bedroom but after a while, you run out of new things to try.  And let’s face it, although you love your partner, the excitement eventually dulls.

This is where swingers have it figured out.  If we swap partners, we all win.  Everyone gets to be with someone new and exciting.  The women and men are dressed to impress.  They are hoping to attract a new person to play with but at the same time, your partner is noticing you in a new way as well!

I remember the first night my husband and I decided to go to a swing club.   He looked amazing and I was wearing something way sexier than I had worn in years.  We barely made it to the club because we couldn’t keep our hands off of each other in the car.  

When couples break out of their routine and try something to ignite their sex lives, they might be surprised at the result.  Couples don’t swing because they no longer love their partners, it is the opposite.  They want to find that spark again.  Feeling beautiful, sexy and desirable is important for both men and women.  Swinging is a great way to reestablish those feelings. 

For many couples, swinging sounds like a bad idea.  They worry that their significant other will find someone new.  It is a common fear for newbies but this is not usually the case.  When couples enter the lifestyle properly and with the right intention, this is very uncommon. 

The real problem is for couples who are not having sex.  Even as we age and find ourselves in committed relationships, we are still human.  Humans are sexual beings and naturally crave sex.   

What happens when couples who no longer have sex are still looking for that validation that others find them attractive or desirable?  This can be a slippery slope.  Looking for validation in the wrong environment can lead to trouble.  This type of behavior often leads to cheating.

The take away?  It is natural for sex to become less exciting in a long term relationship but it is not natural to stop having sex. When I read the article asking, “Why are we having so little sex,” I am quite sure I said, “Not me” out loud.  

If you love your partner and are simply looking to spice things up between the two of you, swinging might be for you!  

*http://time.com/5297145/is-sex-dead/

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Swingers are not the only people hanging around at swing clubs.

Swingers talking to vanilla girl, both wearing Partners ID jewelry
Swinger friends talking to vanilla girl, both wearing Partners ID jewelry

Swing clubs have changed dramatically over the years

Many years ago, when the baby boomers made up the majority of swingers, swinging was much less complicated. When people showed up at a swing club, you knew they had to do their homework to even find the place! Before the internet, finding other swingers, or a place to swing, was much more difficult. If you didn’t find it in a magazine or hear it by word of mouth, there was really no other way to know about it.

Besides being difficult to find, swing clubs were illegal and visiting one was risky, people never knew which night the club could be raided by police and they would all be arrested. Curiosity seekers were not going to chance checking out a swing club. The only customers swing clubs were seeing were hard core swingers. It created a cohesive group of swingers who were there for one reason, and that was to swing.

What we see in swing clubs today is nothing like the swing clubs of the past. Today, when you are in a swing club, some people are there to swing and some people are not. It seems that at the more popular swing clubs, as much as 40% of the people in the clubs are not swingers at all.

Why go to a swing club if you are not a swinger?

Swing clubs have become hip places to go. Years ago, strip clubs fell into favor with couples who were looking to shake things up. It was risqué to tell your friends that you had been in a strip club. With the exposure that swing clubs have gotten over the past few years, they have taken over as the new racy spot to be seen. It’s not uncommon to see people whip out a camera and start taking pictures under the sign for the club outside and then again upfront inside the club. Years ago, if you even took out your phone, you would be asked to put it away for fear that you might capture someone in a picture.

What does a non swinger do in a swing club?

For people who are not familiar with a swing club, many of them are as beautiful as any big city night club. Although they require a membership plus an entrance fee, once you are inside, in most clubs, everything else is on the house. You bring your own liquor so you are not paying through the nose for your drinks, mixers and sodas are available free and most clubs have dinner, and some even have breakfast. There is always a dj and the dance floors usually have very updated lighting and special effects. They show music videos and porn on big screens around the clubs.

As for the backroom or playroom, most couples who are not swingers remain up front for the duration of their night. Just like any other club, they dance, drink and socialize. When they are ready to leave, they head out of the club. For the couples who are curious, they tend to sit and watch others playing in the back or walk around to see what it’s all about. Not surprisingly, swingers do not appreciate seeing them in the play area. Even for couples who are exhibitionists, non swingers are not a welcome sight and are easy to spot.

How can you tell who the swingers are?

The first part of the equation is to filter out the swingers from the others. Even seasoned swingers have trouble distinguishing between the two. Most couples who enjoy swing clubs are very social. They like the atmosphere and easily assimilate socially in the front of the club. What they don’t realize, is that swingers are there to swing, not to entertain curiosity seekers. Once swingers have come to the realization that you are not there to swing, most will simply say hello and avoid you.

Let us not confuse newbies with vanilla people. Newbies are welcome at any club as everyone at one time was in their situation. Besides, they are people who want to swing, vanilla people do not. They are strictly looking to be part of the scene. They like the environment and the energy of a swing club. More often than not, vanilla people will come to a club as a group. They are not looking to meet other couples as they are not swingers. Those who do come alone (as a couple), might try to socialize but when another couple realizes they do not swing, the swingers will move on.

Swingers are not opposed to couples who come to swing clubs and strictly play with each other. Some couples are exhibitionists and enjoy when others watch them. Swing clubs are an acceptable place for couples like this. Swing clubs, however, are not a place for curiosity seekers to visit or frequent.

For vanilla couples who enjoy the sexually charged environment of a swing club, a strip club might be a better alternative. These establishments are more suited for their desire to watch others while not engaging.

Why private parties have fallen into favor with swingers.

Years ago, if swingers were looking to swing, they went to a swing club. It was rare that people would host private swinger parties in their home. Most people did not want to host a party where people would have sex all over their house and they would be left to clean up the condoms the next morning.

Since swing clubs have become more diluted and the percentage of swingers in any swing club has declined dramatically, private parties have become more popular. Swingers now choose to host events where the only requirement of the attendees is to swing. A private invite only party is the only way to ensure that the group will consist strictly of swingers. Someone at a party we attended recently said, “Wouldn’t it be great if someone opened a club for swingers so we wouldn’t have to keep planning private parties?” Sad, but true, swing clubs that are strictly for swingers, no longer exists. Even a private club that requires a membership is not a sacred swinger place any more.

Vanilla couples who read this might think swingers are snobs for the way that they feel but let us look at this in another way. If swing clubs did not exist and swingers were forced to meet at regular clubs, how would the vanilla population respond? “Get a room” would probably be a common phrase thrown at couples who display any public affection. Straight people do not have a lot of tolerance for swingers and are the first to admit they do not approve of this lifestyle.

Let’s look at this way…

How about if people who do not gamble hang out in casinos. They sit at the blackjack table or crowd around a craps table and watch. The people gambling would be forced to maneuver around them to do what they came for, which is gamble.

Have you ever gone into Starbucks to have a cup of coffee with a friend but there are no empty seats. There are many people sitting on computers at tables but many are not even drinking coffee. I imagine most people are frustrated by this and wonder why they are there if not to drink coffee.

This very same principle applies to swingers. If you are not a swinger, why are you hanging around a swing club? The truth is, swingers are in a swing club to meet other swingers, period. It is not that we are snobs or unfriendly or don’t like to meet others. It is actually the exact opposite. Swingers are going to swing clubs to meet other swingers. If we were looking to spend time with or meet vanilla people, there are endless other places we would be, but the one place we would not be, is in a swing club.

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Swinging: The good, the bad and the ugly. Scenes from the playroom…

Pillow fight between swinging couple and a girl. All wearing Partners ID jewelry
Pillow fight between swinging couple and a girl. All wearing Partners ID jewelry

Are you a swinger?  If you are and you have been in the lifestyle for a while, you have witnessed some comical, odd or just plain bizarre occurrences.  It goes without saying that the whole process of swinging can lead to some very interesting experiences.

The moments leading up to actual “swinging” can also prove entertaining.

 

For those of you who go to swing clubs, the whole locker room scenario can be rather compelling to watch both before the couple enters the back room as well as upon their return.  It is possible that some people are oblivious to those around them, but for those who are people watchers, the entertainment value is not lost on them.  It begins with couples entering the locker room; some are loving and considerate.  They help each other disrobe and seem to be in good spirits.  Others clearly are not quite as happy and are not afraid to show it.  I have witnessed couples where one clearly does not want to go into the back and the other is undressed before they even get the locker opened.  It would seem to me that this is a disaster in the making.  We all know this can’t end well, back even though things are starting off so poorly, eventually, the couple will make their way into the back room.

 

When you see such a scenario in the locker room, this is the time for the couple to talk.  Swinging is not for everyone, but whatever their problem may be, this is something that should be ironed out prior to engaging with another couple.  If couples have rules regarding swinging, this too should be discussed ahead of time.  When couples head into the playroom with another couple, it can be too late to start a conversation regarding what works for them.  If they head back when things are not going well between them, this can also be a blow up waiting to happen.

 

When couples try to play with another couple without know their boundaries, things can get difficult quickly.   Sometimes everything seems to be so easy and uncomplicated; other times not so much.  In a recent visit to the back room, a very nice couple approached us while we were playing and started to touch us.  I looked over and they were an attractive, equally matched ( I know, how often does that happen?) couple and I knew my partner would be agreeable, so we welcomed them to join us.  Everything was going well, they were fun to play with and she was screaming with pleasure so I was sure she was ok.  She was ok, until her husband came.  It was like the exorcist, she sat straight up and start spewing obscenities at him.  I think at one point her head spun all the way around (just kidding).  She jumped off the mattress and stormed out of the back room leaving her husband to grab his towel and run off behind her.  Maybe they have issues with saying goodnight and this way they can avoid small talk?  It’s always hard to understand when I see things like this because 30 seconds before she was screaming and splashing all over the place.  Why was it ok for her but not him?  Interesting experience…

 

One night we witnessed two couples enter the back together and everyone looked eager to get down to business.  The couples switched and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves.  One man pulled out a condom right away, climbed on top of the other woman and got busy.   It was moving along smoothly  until the other man reached for a condom.  The husband pulled away from the girl he was playing with and got on top of his wife, essentially blocking the other guy.  His wife seemed to think this was perfectly normal, wrapped her legs around his waist and was having a perfectly good time.  The other couple were sitting there with their mouths open.  What was that??  They tried to touch the couple but were totally ignored.  Soon after they got up and left.  I don’t think the couple will get a rain check…

 

Recently when in the back room we witnessed two couples meet at the bar and agree to move onto the mattress nearby.  One man quickly switched and was going down on the other mans wife.  The other man then turned toward the first man’s wife and tried to touch her.  She very politely took his hand off her and moved farther away from him.  Her husband and the other girl continued to play and from time to time his wife would touch his back or his arm but never pulled him away.  This went on for quite some time and several times the man would once again try to touch her only to be rejected completely.  After the couple was finished playing the foursome got up and headed for the locker room.  They were still there when we arrived and oddly enough everyone seemd very happy and friendly.  What????  Did I miss something?  Very strange.  I tend to doubt that many couples would feel this was a good experience.

 

We have had many nights when we are getting dressed to leave and see couples return from the back room.  Again, same scenario; some happy and laughing and others are fighting and yelling and cursing at each other.  It truly is an adventure to spend time in a swing club!  Never a dull evening and always a good show!

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