Is it possible to love the lifestyle but not like to swing?
This is a question I have been asked more times than I can remember. It must be confusing to people who are not in the lifestyle. Perhaps the best way to consider this question is to break it down. If you are a swinger, then you are in the lifestyle. However, if you are in the lifestyle, it does not mean you swing. Make sense? The confusion probably stems from the fact that people use the word swinger and lifestyle interchangeably, but they really shouldn’t.
People who swing, engage in sexual activity (not necessarily intercourse) with people with whom they are not in a relationship. Swingers are usually married or in a committed relationship and they play when their significant other is present (most of the time) or has given their consent to play without them.
Enjoying a free and open way of life defines people in the lifestyle. They might be married or in a committed relationship and often spend time at events which include swingers. It is common for couples who are in the lifestyle to go to swing clubs, swinger conventions, swinger hotels and take cruises with swingers on board. Some are simply naturists, others might be into fetish or BDSM, many are voyeurs, some might be transgender or transvestites, some are polygamists, etc.
Why would people want to spend time with swingers if they themselves do not swing?
That’s a good question, so let’s consider why this might be. Let’s say it is a typical Saturday night and you and your spouse decide you want to go out dancing. Naturally the best place to dance would be a night club. You choose a club either because of where it is located or because you have heard good things about it. You get dressed up and head out for the evening. You arrive, pay the doorman and head inside. The place is packed with many attractive and mostly very young people. There are couples dancing and sitting at the bar drinking. You spot a bunch of single girls throwing back shots on a couch and a couple of single guys watching them. You walk up to the bar, get drinks for you and your wife and try to find a place to sit down. You can’t find any empty seating area so you stand. A song comes on that you like so you put your drinks on the bar and head over to the dance floor. You dance a few songs, then return to the bar. Hmm. Is it safe to drink the drinks you left on the bar? You look around and nobody is paying any attention to you or your drinks. Better to buy a new one. Luckily, after standing around for a few hours a seat opens up on a couch so you and your wife sit down and smile at the others seated near you. They look at you like you’re nuts and turn their attention back to their partner. The dj is pretty good so you head back out to the dance floor. It’s hard to move because the dance floor is crowded with young people standing around talking and taking selfies. A young man around the same age as your son flirts with your wife when she accidentally bumps into him. His girlfriend looks your wife up and down and points her out to her friend. They wonder loudly why she is dressed so slutty. After a few hours of this, you head home. Boy, that was fun.
Now you go to a swing club the following weekend. Let us pretend you have never been to this club before and you don’t know anyone who goes there. After stopping at the desk to get a membership, the manager takes you on a tour of the club. He might even stop and introduce you to some couples along the way. He brings you to the bar and explains to the bartender that it is your first night in the club. You give your bottle to the bartender and she pours you your drinks. The place is crowded so you walk around to get a feel for it. As you walk by a big seating area with couches a couple says hello. They tell you there is room on the couch where they are if you want to sit. They introduce themselves and ask you where you’re from. A song comes on that you like and you look down at your drinks. They tell you not to worry, they will watch the drinks for you while you dance. When you are done dancing the two of you pick up your drinks and head over to the bar for a refill. Your wife is waiting behind you when the girl seated at the bar compliments her on her shoes. They start to talk and next thing you know you are chatting with a group sitting at the bar.
So far, which club sounds like more fun? When vanilla people question me about swing clubs I always explain it like this: A swing club is a place where couples go to meet other couples (or singles). The people are friendly and open to meeting new people. The majority of couples in any swing club are regular customers. They might not be there every night or every weekend but it is a place they frequent. When they walk through the door they are looking to have a fun night talking and dancing (maybe more) with other couples. A regular club is a place where many single people go to meet other singles. When a couple is there, they are isolated. Nobody is at a regular night club looking to meet another couple (unless they are swingers).
So let’s return to the question about why someone might like the lifestyle but not like to swing. The atmosphere in any lifestyle event is so much different from any other type of event, that once you have experienced it, you do not want to be out. The friendly people, the non judgmental atmosphere, the fun times! You really cannot compare this to anything else. When you walk into a swing club, nobody will judge you. It does not matter how old you are, how tall you are, how overweight you are, what you are wearing or where you are from. People are open to meeting new people and rarely do I see people alienate others for any reason other than their behavior.
Many people enter the lifestyle with the intention of swinging. Many couples do find that they enjoy swinging and that becomes their primary focus when attending lifestyle events. Not everyone who tries swinging, however, actually enjoys it. There are many people, both men and women, who discover that although their partners like to swing, they do not. This seems to create confusion for couples. I have heard many men ask how it is possible for their wives to say they like the lifestyle when they refuse to swing. The answer seems obvious to me. They like the sexy atmosphere, the sexy clothing and shoes and the open dialogue between couples. Many women have said they like to have sex amongst other swingers, they just prefer not to join in. Many people in the lifestyle are voyeurs and that would account for some of these people. As for the others, playing side by side another couple and actually swapping, are two very different things. Some people discover that they like every aspect of swinging with the exception of actually playing with other people. They prefer to play with their own partner while still appearing to be swinging.
As most swingers figure out over time, every couple is different and what is good for one couple, might not be good for another. As usual, the best course of action is to be upfront and honest, both with your partner, and other swingers. This way, everyone is on the same page and there are no surprises! So I guess it is possible to love the lifestyle but not like to swing!