Lifestyle friends are the best friends you can have. It occurred to me this morning when I got a call from a friend in the lifestyle. This friend and her husband were away for the week and she wanted to catch up. The conversation opened with her telling me that she had finally tried double penetration during their stay at a lifestyle resort. She then filled me in on all the sexy details of their trip. She gave me blow by blow details of the parties, the playrooms even what she wore to the different events. Luckily her husband had packed some viagra because towards the end of their stay he was in need!
When I hung up the phone I was smiling just thinking about all the fun they had. Just then, my phone rang again and it was a very good friend who is not in the lifestyle. When I asked how her weekend was, she told me it was great. They had dinner with her husband’s law partners on Friday and went to a wine tasting on Saturday. On Sunday she took a yoga class and that was all she had to report.
Hmm. I wonder if they had sex. I was tempted to ask but decided not to as it is not something we generally talk about. She asked me how my weekend was and I said it was nice. We went to a swing club on Friday and rolled home around 3:30 in the morning. Saturday we hosted a party at our home and within an hour of our guests arriving, we were all naked in the hot tub having sex. Some guests slept over and the party continued until late Sunday night. Of course, I told her none of that but instead said we did the usual, nothing special, which in essence, is true.
When I was done on the phone it occurred to me that there is such a huge difference in my relationship with these two women. One woman I have known for the past 25 years and the other for about two years. I have had sex with one of their husbands, the other I have not. I have played with one of the women, the other I have not even kissed. We have shared everything from husbands, to underwear to sex toys. My lifestyle friend knows the true me. When I have a real issue, it is she to whom I turn, not the friend that I have known for 25 years. That says a lot.
The depth of the relationship between lifestyle friends and vanilla friends cannot compare. It was the first time I realized how well my vanilla friend would say she knows me when in fact, she does not really know very much about me at all. When you must keep a secret that is such a huge part of who you are from someone, is that friendship not slightly tainted?
I think everyone in the lifestyle at some point, considers telling either friends or family about swinging. Most people never reveal this to anyone in their outside life because they do not think people would find this acceptable. They prefer to keep that part of their lives a secret, which is totally understandable. There is no doubt that there are people who would not be okay with what swingers do. Is that a reason to break a friendship? Swingers are not looking to lose their vanilla friends because they swing but are their vanilla friends going to drift away if they find out? Do men and women differ on this? Are men more curious and less judgmental than women?
When we were new to the lifestyle we did confide in a couple that were close friends at the time. We were not as available as we had been in the past and they were concerned. Obviously they were shocked when we told them that we were spending time at a swing club. It was awkward to get through dinner with them because after we confided in them, the woman became very quiet. The man waited until the next day and phoned my husband at work to ask him all about it. He wanted to know if we would invite them to come with us to the club one night. Clearly, this couple was not on the same page. The woman basically disappeared from my life after that night and her husband remained friendly with my husband.
When you think about a “good friend” walking away because of your lifestyle choices, it makes you question the integrity of the friendship. What does the fact that we swing have to do with our vanilla friends? We haven’t actually changed as people. We do enjoy activities which might not seem right to them but should they be judging us? They were friendly with us for many years not having a clue that we went to strip clubs very often. Having weekly lap dances by girls did not seem to make me lesser of a friend, but I suppose it’s because they did not know about it.
Lifestyle friends are more honest. They are honest with their spouses and they are honest with themselves. They are not afraid to be open and it makes for an incredibly enriching relationship. Even if double penetration is not my thing, I would never judge her for participating in it. It’s her body and her decision. The best part is she knows I would never judge her for anything she chooses to do as long as it isn’t hurting anyone. There are women who love to be a part of a gang bang. They want upwards of 5, 10 maybe 15 men to have sex with in one night. Never have I heard anyone in a swing club judge these women for what turns them on. Who are we to judge?
Most couples would agree that over time the lifestyle creeps up on us and before we realize it, the majority of our friends are swingers. Dinner parties for us do not include food and it doesn’t really matter what you are wearing to a party because it won’t stay on for long. Sleepovers are common occurrences and we think nothing of sharing lube and sex toys.
My friend and her husband spent a weekend at our home not too long ago. We naturally played with each other’s husband and after she asked me if I enjoyed it. I said I did and she said, “I just wanted to make sure he took care of you or I would be mad at him.” Of course, she was joking but is that not a good friend? When I told her how I felt she said, “That’s what friends are for, no?”
Lifestyle friends are the kind of friends that you can count on for just about anything. Although we share the sexual side of our lives with each other, that is not all it’s about. It’s a community of close knit friends who can sit on each others laps on a nude beach and drink from each others glasses without anyone giving you a funny look.
With these friends you can say what’s on your mind and nobody will judge you for it. If you give your friend’s husband a back massage (or blow job) there is no jealousy or concern. You can speak openly about something of concern and you will notice ten people trying to help you sort things out. Lifestyle friends are old enough to be our parents and young enough to be our children, yet age is not a factor in our friendship.
It’s a wonderful thing to know that there is a whole community out there that has your back. Sure, vanilla friends can be wonderful, supportive and warm, but if they can’t know your true essence, they can only be so close. I don’t keep secrets from my lifestyle friends but I cannot say the same about my vanilla friends. That says it all.
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