Everyone enters the lifestyle thinking they will be successful.
Anyone who has ever dipped a toe into the lifestyle arena knows that there is a fine line between happiness and chaos. The very start of the lifestyle can be a very difficult road to navigate, and how it is managed can make the difference between long term success and big flop. Why are some couples so happy after years together in the lifestyle while others are miserable? What is the magic formula?
Happy couples seem to have figured out how to approach the lifestyle.
Having been in the lifestyle for many years and observing many couples coming and going, it seems there is a pattern to the happy couples. It seems that couples who arrive at the club or a party with no expectations fair much better than the rest. However, when part of a couple (or both) arrive with the intention of absolutely “getting something,” they do not seem to do very well in the long run together. If people come into a swing club with this kind of an attitude it is a disaster waiting to happen. It is not a good way to start an evening. After all, you never know how things will go and you cannot be disappointed if you do not have any expectations. More often than not, if one person arrives at the club fully expecting to play, what happens when you cannot make a connection with another couple? Generally speaking a fight breaks out between the couple because of the disappointment.
Try looking at things from your partner’s side.
It seems like a logical solution for both parts of a couple to try to see things from the other’s perspective. If a man wants to go to a swing club and informs his wife that he wants them to play that evening, how is she supposed to feel? Relaxed and looking forward to the evening out or like she is going to work to get a job done? What if a woman tells her husband that they better find a couple to spend the night with when they go to a private party? Is he going to enjoy himself and have a good time or is he going to feel pressured to meet his wife’s demands? Under these circumstances how often do you think these couples are going to spend their evenings swinging and how long can they remain happy together?
There is a simple way to approach the lifestyle that might help couples in the long run.
Let’s look at another way to approach the lifestyle. You make plans with your husband to go to a swing club. Before you leave the house he lets you know that his primary interest is having a fun night with you. If you two happen to meet a couple you both like you will take it from there but he insists there is no pressure to do that; he will be happy just spending the night with you. Or, a couple accepts an invitation to go to a private party. The wife says she would like to go. She tells her husband the same thing: I enjoy spending my evenings with you. If something happens, great, if not, we will have fun together. With these scenarios, couples are relaxed and looking forward to a fun evening together. Couples who take this approach tend to remain in the lifestyle for many years.
Consideration for your partner goes a long way in the lifestyle.
Once again, communication and respect go a long way in keeping couples happy. If you have the confidence that your partner has your back, it makes the lifestyle so much more enjoyable. Respectful partners do not expect their spouse to “take one for the team” or “do this for me”. They do not ask their partner to do something that they would not want to do themselves. If you would not want to be asked to play with someone that you find unattractive or undesirable why would you ask that of your partner? If you would not want to be left sitting at the bar while your wife goes into the back room to play with someone else, why ask her to do this? Requesting your partner to do something that they are uncomfortable with or have told you they do not enjoy, is selfish. If a woman does not like anal, or gangbangs or playing with other women, don’t ask her to do it for you. How would you feel if she asked you to play with another man “for her”? If you find yourself in a situation and you are unsure of how to proceed, take a moment and consider this: how would I feel if the situation was reversed? How can a couple be unhappy if they are thinking about each other?
Other couples are aware of how you and your partner treat each other…
In the lifestyle couples will come and go. You will take a look around one day and realize you haven’t seen so and so or this couple in a long time. At times you can observe new couples wander onto the scene. They come in like gangbusters. They talk to everyone, they are loud and hard to ignore. They try to touch and dance with everyone on the dance floor. In the back room they never take the time to notice whether or not a couple is open to them they just touch everyone, waiting for a positive response. Before you know it, this couple will disappear from the lifestyle. Other times you observe couples who are always surrounded by single men. When you peek into the back, she is playing with several men while her husband watches. How long can this last? Still yet, another couple you might notice is one where the husband is flirting with every woman he meets while his wife hangs behind trying to smile. We can all imagine how she must feel about the lifestyle. Once again, if couples are not united when they are in the lifestyle, others can sense it. Often times I have heard people say they will not hang around other couples if they are not connected to each other as this can be big trouble.
Things to remember for next time.
The bottom line? Always remember that your partner must come first in the lifestyle. When in doubt about how to proceed in a situation, take a moment to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. How would I feel if I were my partner? Would I want to be forced to play with someone who is unappealing to me or makes me uncomfortable? Would I enjoy watching my partner flirt with everyone while I stand aside? Would I want my partner pushing me into situations that make me uneasy? If these are situations that I don’t want for myself, why would I want them for my partner? If you always think about each other and make sure your partner is happy there is no reason you won’t last a long time in the lifestyle. If this sounds like too much work for you, then you already have your answer.