Swingers can find themselves in some hilarious situations! Learning to think fast helps!

Swinger couple hiding in the bushes
Swinger couple hiding in the bushes

Before we entered the lifestyle we were just a regular married couple.  We were predictable and somewhat boring.  The only time we were slightly less normal was when we kicked the door to our bedroom closed and had sex.  It was just the two of us and we never had to make up stories about anything.  But then we discovered swinging and everything changed…

At the beginning of our “swinging career” we did not realize how many times we would have to come up with excuses for our bizarre behavior.  We discovered over the years, that things had a way of going very wrong at times, leaving us looking a little crazy.

We have become professionals at coming up with crazy stories on the spot. Several years ago we returned home late one evening after spending the night at a private party. The kids were always asleep by that hour so I wasn’t worried about walking into the house wearing a sheer dress. Imagine my surprise when we were greeted in the doorway by my sister who had come over to stay with the kids because something had scared them. She promised them she would stay until we got home. Great! So there I am, standing in the hallway in a see-through dress. I would have been wearing panties but they got lost at the party. My husband rushed off saying he had to use the bathroom and left me standing there. I had to think quick! I told her I changed into the dress in the car on the way home because it was a turn on for my husband; kind of a prelude to having sex when we got home. Lucky for me, I had a change of clothes in my hand because I left the house dressed because of the kids. She just shook her head, mumbled something about whatever works for us, and walked out the door.

My very curious 7 year old once decided to play dress up without my knowledge. My parents were visiting and she emerged from my bedroom wearing a school girl outfit carrying a pair of 6 inch stilettos asking for my assistance in putting them on. My mother had a horrified look on her face but I quickly explained it was for a Halloween party that dared women to be outrageously inappropriate. My parents agreed that I should win the first place prize.

Not too long ago we were en route to a swing club when our tire blew out on the highway.  We were stuck on the side of the interstate, which is bad enough, but to make matters worse, I was wearing something I will say is not appropriate to wear out in public . First there was the police…He comes to my side of the car. I roll down the window and as he is asking us if we need help while he is trying not to stare at my outfit. There is no question that he thinks my husband just picked up a prostitute as I am dressed like Julia Roberts from “Pretty Woman.” I was sure he would ask where we were headed but he did not. He called for a tow truck and drove away. Next was the tow truck driver. Yes, we not only had to get out of the car and stand on the side of the highway, but we had to ride in the tow truck in the front seat pressed up against him as we were three across. I begged my husband to sit in the middle but he assured me that there was no chance he would. It wasn’t over yet. Next we had to wait at the shop where we brought the car. The owner seemed amused as I tried in vain to somehow cover myself with my legs and hands while we waited for a friend (thankfully a lifestyle friend) to come and pick us up. Once again I was rambling on, telling the owner just how embarrassing this was, that the one night we were invited to a crazy costume party, this had to happen.

In my never ending quest to find the perfect slutty outfits for lifestyle events, I stumbled across a store one day that had the perfect clothing.  I have to admit I went a little bit crazy and bought several dresses and a few pairs of shoes.  As luck would have it, just as I am unloading the packages from the trunk of my car, my neighbor walks over to see me.  “Let me see what you bought,” she exclaimed!  I am absolutely stunned to see her there and try desperately to come up with a reason why I can’t stop and show her.  She follows me into the house and I realize I am up against the wall.  “Oh, these are not things for me to wear,” I chuckle, “These are costumes for a show my daughter is auditioning for!”  Thankfully, she lost interest and changed the subject.

Then there was a night we were returning home very late from an expo at a nearby hotel and we had to stop for gas.  What are the chances but guess who pulls in to pump gas on the other side of the pump? I hear my husband chatting and look out the window to see my son!  I am wearing a skirt that is so short that it covers nothing when I am sitting  and my blouse is completely sheer.  It is only a matter of time before he will come over to say hello and I cannot figure out what to do!  I curl up in a ball and lean on the passenger door so he will think I am asleep.  I hear him knock on the window and I don’t move.   It worked, he walked away!  (Yes, I felt terrible but let’s face it, I had no choice!)

One night we went to a party at a vanilla friend’s home.  We were having a good time talking and dancing.  At one point we are with the hostess and some of her friends talking in a big circle.  This couple walks over and after a few minutes he points to us and says, “I know you guys from somewhere.”  He does not look at all familiar to me or to my husband.  He follows it up with, “Actually, it is you who I recognize but not really your husband.”  Again, I tell him I have never seen him before but we introduce ourselves to him to be polite.  As I reach over to shake his hand, he blurts out, “I know where I have seen you!  You go to Checkmate, the swing club!  I see you there dancing all the time but usually you are with someone else on the dance floor!”   This is absolutely true but obviously I can’t admit it!  We tell him that he is crazy that we have never even heard of the place and it is not us.  At this point everyone in the circle is listening to the conversation.  I shake my head and tell them I must look like someone else but it is definitely not me.  We all laugh at the thought of going to a swing club!  For the rest of the night, every time he sees us he tells us that he knows it is us.  I could not wait to leave this party!  The best part is, we left early to go to Checkmate!

There are so many times we find ourselves stumbling over each other to come up with excuses and stories because we do not want to tell people that we are in the lifestyle.  How much easier would life be if we would come clean and just admit it!  Perhaps one day we will…

 

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