Keeping the excitement of the lifestyle alive during COVID.

Couple wearing Partners ID lifestyle jewelry

Dear Partners ID,

This is not your typical story but thought you might enjoy it so here goes.

My wife and I have been married for 24 years.  Although we are happy, like many other couples, the routine of daily life set in and I was bored.  Perhaps it comes at a certain age where you realize you have more behind you and strive to make each day count.  

We became aware of the lifestyle a few years ago when we were approached by a couple at the airport while waiting to board a plane to Mexico. Apparently, they were heading to a swinger’s resort and believed we were as well.  

After this incident at the airport, I became curious and started to research the lifestyle.  My wife had no interest and did not want to discuss the possibility.  

Fast forward 3 years and my wife was finally ready to explore the lifestyle.  After reading blogs and asking questions on forums, she began to show some excitement at the possibilities.  My wife has never been a prude and her renewed interest in sex and exploration was exciting for us both.  Realizing that many women in the lifestyle identify as bisexual really piqued her interest.

We did our research about different clubs in our area and chose one.  She bought some sexy clothes and shoes and we were looking forward to our first lifestyle night out.  Then came COVID, the club shut down and we had to put this venture on hold.

As the months dragged on, my wife began to worry that we would never have the chance to explore the lifestyle.  Her birthday was fast approaching and then it hit me.  Buy her lifestyle jewelry!

My wife loves the necklace I bought and she wears it every day.  Although we don’t get out much,  she puts it on every morning. In any case, just seeing it turns me on.  Hopefully, I will be writing back soon to tell you that it worked its magic!

Seems silly but this necklace has become a symbol of things to come for us.  Now I’m hoping she will reciprocate and buy me a black ring.  

Wish you a happy and healthy holiday season!

Cheers!

Walter and Katrina

Forums are an incredibly helpful tool for people in the lifestyle.

Couple reading a swinger forum

 

One of the many useful things that the internet has brought to us is our ability to communicate.  We email friends, we stay in touch with grade school buddies on Facebook, we comment on issues trending on Twitter, etc.  

When we have a question and do not know where to turn, we realize how helpful technology has become.   Even finding like-minded people to communicate with has become as easy as a click on the computer.  If you have a search engine, you have an opening to the world.  Close friends and relatives can be great resources, but sometimes we are looking for advice about things we prefer not to share with people close to us.

Back in the 1970s, many people enjoyed reading advice columns such as Dear Abby and Ann Landers.  Unfortunately, those columns dealt with topics of general interest.  While both columns were quite popular, people looking for something more sinister would not turn to either column for advice.

In the beginning, the internet offered chat rooms, which allowed us to communicate with others with similar interests.  Before becoming riddled with predators and other sketchy characters, chat rooms were somewhat useful.  One of the downfalls was that the only people who would see your question were those online at that moment.

Today, with so many social platforms, finding forums online is very easy.  This is especially true for swinger sites.  Most swinger dating sites include a forum.  Although popular websites such as Craigslist and Reddit also contain forums with swinger type discussions, they tend to attract trolls.  These participants are not there to help but rather to either provoke sexual talk or rile up the writers.

It is no surprise then, that so many swingers turn to forums on sites designed specifically for swingers.  There are quite a few out there and they are all very helpful.  

Situations that arise for swingers are unique and only another swinger can possibly relate.  The discussions range from topics such as ‘How to get my significant other into swinging’ to ‘I get off watching my husband get pegged, is that normal?’

In times of uncertainty, swingers generally cannot discuss problems that arise from swinging with their family or vanilla friends.  Most swingers will not call their mom on Sunday morning to complain that their husband wants them to try double penetration and they are not up for it.  Or that they took one for the team the previous night and were not happy about it.

 At times, swingers prefer to discuss their problems anonymously.  They might be looking for perspective on a situation they have encountered.  Perhaps a close swinger friend is a good resource but sometimes people would like to speak their mind and remain anonymous.  It is very easy to be honest when nobody knows who you are.  This applies to both the person posing the question and the people who respond.

Forums truly are a wonderful tool to help navigate all things lifestyle.  At times simply reading what others have to say helps to give swingers perspective on how others see situations.  

Swinger forums are also wonderful resources for party ideas, shoe shopping, vacation destinations, and swing clubs.  If you reach a forum and do not see what you are looking for, start your own topic!  Most forums will send you an email alerting you that someone has responded to your post.

Forums have truly made it easy to get the answers to whatever you might be looking for.  Anyone can join and comments are always welcome.  Sure, sometimes people will not agree with you, but either way, it helps to get perspective whether it is positive or negative. 

To see the Partners ID forum click here: https://www.swingersjewelry.net/forum/

We have many new pieces of lifestyle jewelry!  Come check them out here: https://www.swingersjewelry.net/jewelry-for-swingers/

You need to add a widget, row, or prebuilt layout before you’ll see anything here. 🙂

The lifestyle should be easy and fun. Are you struggling?

Couple new to the lifestyle wearing Partners ID Lifestyle Jewelry

We met a couple recently who told us that they find it very difficult to meet other people in the lifestyle.  I was a bit surprised because I have seen them both in a very busy swing club and at several private parties.  They are both attractive yet admittedly a bit reserved.  She is friendly when approached but he comes across as aloof and disinterested.

The next time we saw them in a swing club I observed them.  They came into the club and headed straight for the dining area.  To begin with, they did not make eye contact with anyone as they walked.  Rather than sitting at the long cafeteria-style table, they opted for a small, private table in the back.  This, in my opinion, was a mistake.  The long tables make it impossible to avoid meeting other people.  You are seated next to and across from quite a few people and it makes it very easy to simply join in on conversations. 

After dinner, the couple grabbed their wine glasses and sauntered around the club.  The two bars were crowded with people laughing and having fun.  Rather than attempting to join the crowds, they linked arms and moved past them.  They eventually sat down on some stools which face the dance floor. 

Early in the evenings, when the club is quiet, it is the perfect opportunity to mingle with other people.  Sitting on a couch, where others will have to sit next to you, or across from you would be a better strategy.  I noticed that they always chose to sit alone.

When the music picked up and people started to dance, they made their way to the dance floor.  Many couples flirt and interact on the dance floor, but they did not.  In contrast, they danced close to each other, never checking their surroundings to see if others were interested in mingling with them.  

Later that night, we went outside to get some air and sat amongst a group of smokers on the benches. Honestly, we meet most people when we are outside because the music is quiet and we are sitting close together on the bench.  This couple arrived outside, said hello to us, and moved away from the group to stand alone.  

Do you see the pattern here?  If I did not know them, I would say they are not interested in meeting other people.  I believe that they act like they don’t want to be approached and so others see this and stay away.

Success in the lifestyle is up to you.  People who are warm, friendly, and open to meeting others will meet people.  Everyone who attends a swing club is looking to meet people.  Even the cliques that hang together are open to meeting new, friendly faces.  

Imagine if this couple tried a new approach.  To begin with, when they enter the club, smile, and say hi to the people they walk past on their way to the dining area.  Next, grab a plate and sit amongst the other people at the long table.  Join in one of the conversations or compliment someone on their outfit or shoes. As they finish dinner, tell the couple sitting next to them, see you on the dance floor.  Stop to get a drink at the busy bar.  Smile as you say excuse me to get closer to order a drink.  Introduce yourself to someone at the bar and ask them a question about anything.  Show interest in getting to meet them.

Whatever happens, even if you don’t have luck at that bar, find a place to sit where there is another couple.  Take a seat and start a conversation.  Smile, show some interest in what they have to say.  

Next, when you hit the dance floor, don’t dance closed up to the people around you.   Smile at others and feel free to lightly touch people on the back to let them know you are there.

Then, when you go outside, sit on the bench with the group.  Ask them to make room for you and join their conversation.  When you find a couple that is friendly and you have some interest in them, tell them you’ll see them in the back room.  You never know!  Maybe they will join you!

Without putting yourself out, meeting others can be difficult.  While nobody likes rejection,  a couple who seems disinterested is unlikely to be approached by others.  Above all, smile, be warm and friendly and show some interest in others.  This approach is guaranteed to help you to meet others in the lifestyle. 

 

Have you seen our lifestyle jewelry?  New pieces are arriving daily for the holidays!  Check them out here:

https://www.swingersjewelry.net/jewelry-for-swingers/

 

 

Halloween is the perfect time to rock your alter ego!

Halloween costume with Partners ID tattoo and swinger symbol jewelry
People frequently ask us what we will be dressed as for Halloween.  Naturally, our answer is always the same; swingers of course!  No, we are not party poopers and we have come up with some pretty clever costume ideas over the years.  What we have noticed, is that there are many people who take this opportunity to dress up in a way that makes them unrecognizable to others.  We believe that there is a reason they do this.
Some people in the lifestyle are extremely outgoing and have no problem approaching other couples.  Every chance they get, they mingle and flirt and generally know most of the people at any party by the end of the evening.  Then there are others who are too shy or insecure to approach other couples.  This makes Halloween the perfect opportunity for them to come out of their shells by hiding behind a costume.
Think about it, if you are wearing a mask and people cannot identify you, do you not feel bolder?   If you approach a couple and you are wearing a mask, chances are they will be very friendly because they are not sure whether or not they know you.  This is exactly what we have observed occurring every Halloween.  There are always a few couples wearing the kind of costume that makes it impossible to guess who they are.  It is very possible that some of these masked guests are new to the lifestyle. They are taking the opportunity to visit a swing club and remain anonymous.

Whatever the case, if you are one of those “shy” people, perhaps this is the perfect time for you to take advantage and go after what you want!  There are women in the lifestyle who always wear a wig when they are at a lifestyle event.  They claim they have more confidence because people do not recognize them and they like it that way.  Costumes are also a good conversation starter.  Complimenting others on how clever they are or how perfect their costume, makes it easy to open the dialogue.  Once you have begun a conversation it is easy to introduce yourselves and ask the other couple questions about themselves.

 The other fascinating part of dressing up for Halloween is noticing costume choices.  I cannot help but observe that some of the quieter more shy couples take advantage of this holiday by wearing outrageous costumes.  Some choose very provocative, sexy costumes.  Many of the timid girls tend to go for the slutty look and the men frequently focus on calling attention to their genitals in one way or another.  It always makes me wonder if they wish they could be more sexually open on regular lifestyle nights.
Even the play areas during Halloween seem busier than usual.  Many couples keep their masks on, and again, seem more determined than usual, to go after what they what.  Somehow, the use of masks in the play area is reminiscent of the movie Eyes Wide Shut ( a 1999 erotic drama film) starring Tom Cruise.
Whatever the case may be, whatever your costume of choice, tonight is the night to be bold and go for what you want.  Costumes allow us all the freedom to be someone else for an evening.  What could be more liberating than that?
Don’t forget to wear your lifestyle jewelry so even though others might not recognize you, they will recognize your jewelry!  Find it here:  https://www.swingersjewelry.net

Hilarious swinger stories that cannot be shared with vanilla friends!

Doctor holding condom in front of a swinger

Swingers are a special breed of people.   No topic is off-limits when they talk amongst each other,.  Things that you would never discuss with vanilla friends or close family are perfect things to talk about with your swinger friends.  These are friends who can truly relate to some of the bizarre or hilarious things that happen in the lifestyle.

What’s in your box?

A swinger friend visited a nude beach and while relaxing, observed a beautiful girl walking around showing people something in a cardboard box.  As she got closer, he was eager to not only see what was inside the box but to have an opportunity to meet this beautiful, naked girl.  He waved for her to come over to his group, and with a big smile, she headed in their direction.

When she reached this group, she greeted them with a big smile and put her box on the sand.  My friend peered into the box but wasn’t quite sure what he was looking at.  “Cock rings,” she explained, “you really should try wearing one!”  My friend said the seller was so cute it would not have mattered what she was selling, he was buying.  He reached into the box and chose one.  She showed him how to put it on and he was quite the happy camper. He and his wife left the beach and headed back to their apartment.

Later that evening they were heading out to a swing club so he slipped on the cock ring. He was very excited to show it to his friends.  They got into the elevator along with two elderly women.  The elevator door shut and as the elevator jolted to a start, they hear a clink, clink, clink on the floor of the elevator as the cock ring fell out of the bottom of his pant leg to the ground.  He looked down and says, “Oh, there’s my cuff link!”

Excuse me, can you speak up?

Other swinger friends were traveling to see family out of town and decided to go to a local swing club in the area.  Having heard good things about this club, they were excited to go and meet some new people.  After dressing in their sexy club clothes, they were on their way.  The crowd was great and one couple, in particular, seemed eager to play with them.  Heading into the playroom together, the other couple suggested a private room, to which this couple agreed.

As they are playing, the man starts whispering something into my friend’s ear.  She can’t quite hear him and asks him to repeat himself.  When she is sure she can hear him she sits upright and looks at her husband, who is playing with this man’s wife.  The wife looks over and smiles at my friend.  My friend touches her husband and tells him she’s ready to go.  Confused, he gets up and she is already out the door.  He runs behind her to find out what happened.  The man had asked my friend to poop on his face.  She was sure he was joking but clearly he was not.  He said he likes it and his wife likes to watch.  It grossed her out so much that she had to leave.  Imagine telling your vanilla friends a story like this!

What happens in the dark stays in the dark

Swinger dating sites are a great resource for finding a private party in your area.  When swinger friends of ours found one of interest, they signed up on the guest list.  The address and time for the party was later sent in an email.   The party was planned for a Friday night, which coincided with a parent-teacher conference that was already on their schedule.  They went to meet the teachers, changed clothing in their car and headed off for an evening of fun.

Arriving a little late, they grabbed some drinks and mingled with some of the guests downstairs.  As the evening wore on, couples started to move upstairs to play.  It was dark in the bedrooms so they could see bodies, but they could not identify any faces.  They found a spot on a bed and settled in to play together.  Not long after, the woman next to them reached over and started to touch my friend.  It started as just kissing and before long the two couples were engaged in a four-way.  The other man was eager to swap so they switched and played with the other couple.  Soon my friend heard the other woman screaming in orgasm and showering them when she squirted.

When it was all over, the foursome walked out of the bedroom together so they could properly introduce themselves.  As soon as they got into a more lighted area my friend could not believe her eyes!  It was her son’s teacher that she had just met with earlier that evening!

Excuse me ma’am but is there something you’re not telling me?

A woman we know spends a fair amount of time at swing clubs and lifestyle events. When she attends these events, playing is a priority for her.  She went for a yearly gynecology exam and during the examination, her doctor asked her if she has multiple partners or does she just have sex with her husband.

With the doctor positioned between her legs, peering inside for the exam, her concern was that he was looking at something that indicated an STD or infection of some kind.  She knew him socially (vanilla) and felt she could not possibly tell him about the lifestyle.  She picked up her head and looked down at him telling him she was faithful to her husband.  With that, he reached inside her and pulled out a condom.

Candles create a lovely atmosphere, don’t they?

Swinger friends planned a sexy weekend at a hotel with another couple they frequently played with.  The women decided to check in early to decorate the room and surprise the men when they arrived.  They brought candles, rose petals and candy, massage oils, bath oils, and flowers. By the time the men arrived, the room was romantic and sexy; the women in lingerie, ready for fun. They wasted no time and spent the afternoon playing.  After a fun afternoon, my friends headed out for the evening.  Returning from the restaurant, there were firetrucks leaving the hotel and the guests were walking back inside.  When they asked what was happening, they were told that a guest had left candles burning when they left their room and it started a fire.  My friends were mortified because they realized it was them…

Let’s give these girls a round of applause!

When hosting a private swinger party, it is not uncommon for guests to bring a gift for the host and hostess.  At this particular party, one of the gifts some friends received was a huge pink vibrator that was shaped like a penis.  The party ended late and as they cleaned up, they carefully put the vibrator back in the box and stuck it in a guest room closet.  Several weeks later, their 5-year-old had a friend over.  Her older brother was bothering them and so they wandered into the guest room and closed the door so they would not be disturbed.   During the day my friend works, so the children are left with a babysitter.

Not long after, the babysitter goes into the room to check on the girls.  My friend’s daughter had found the vibrator and they were using it like a microphone, singing karaoke.  The babysitter was shocked but felt compelled to take a video so she could show my friend.   After seeing the video, my friend said she was so embarrassed that she wanted to fire the sitter so she wouldn’t have to face her, but was terrified because she had a video!

As swingers, we never know what crazy situations we will find ourselves in.  What I can say, is that we can never tell our vanilla friends stories like these!

Remember to check out our lifestyle jewelry as we frequently add new pieces to our collection!   https://www.swingersjewelry.net/jewelry-for-swingers/

Nobody would ever suspect us of being swingers!

Swingers wearing Partners ID jewelry

Swingers have a reputation for being degenerates.  People don’t have a very high opinion of swingers. Perhaps people are afraid of what they don’t understand.

It would surprise many vanilla people to realize that they already know people who swing. In fact, it would shock them, to know which ones they are.  Chances are, the real swingers would not even make the list of suspects.

Prior to entering the lifestyle,  I tried to imagine who I might bump into if we went to a swing club.  I was certain that there would be people I know simply because of the proximity of the club to our home.  Finally, we did work up the courage to go.   Although we knew a handful of people at the club, not one was someone I would have suspected! In fact, there were a  few couples I never imagined I would see at a swing club.

I had heard rumors about a certain neighborhood close to my own where swingers were rampant. Supposedly, there was a key club that existed and new members had to be approved in order to join. The group met at a popular restaurant-bar on Thursday evenings to choose new members. Having gone to that restaurant on many Thursday nights to observe, I was certain that these were the people I would see at the club.

Thankfully, I was wrong. The couples at the bar were not the type of people I wanted to spend time with. They were all loud, obnoxious, and very sure of themselves. Were they actually there to join a key club? I’m not so sure. It’s very possible that people came to this conclusion because they were all very drunk and dressed provocatively.

The interesting thing about “real” swingers, is that they are often the last people you would suspect. Many are sexy, full of life, and confident in the lifestyle but reserved and quite ordinary in their daily lives. Swingers frequently laugh about how others think of them as leading boring, conservative lives. Even when others ask what they did that weekend, and they say outrageous things.    “Oh, I watched my wife screw 2 guys while I had 2 girls for myself at our home.”  Friends laugh at them and say things like, “Yeah right,” or “You wish!”

Swingers are frequently forced to endure nasty and uneducated comments regarding swingers and the lifestyle.  At times, vanilla couples throw out comments about how disgusting swinging is and how people who swing are pathetic. They are certain that swingers are in bad marriages and looking to have sex with anyone but their own spouses. It can be very difficult to bite your tongue when people are talking about you. You know the truth about swinging, but most of us choose to remain silent or nod in agreement while feeling angry inside.

Even when swingers attempt to defend the lifestyle while feigning innocence, vanilla couples can be difficult to convince. It often leaves me wondering if they are angry. Perhaps they would like to be brave enough to try swinging and their spouse is against it. Maybe they are interested but not sure if they could handle it. Why else would vanilla people bring up the subject?

These kinds of situations often reinforce the need for swingers to distance themselves from the vanilla community. Discrimination is difficult for anyone to handle, especially when you are hiding the truth to protect yourself. It is hard to not want to educate every person who makes degrading remarks regarding swingers.

Often times, vanilla couples bring up the subject of swinging.  Perhaps they are actually interested in swinging but don’t know how to approach the subject. Although they act like it is something that repulses them, it is in fact done defensively. Many couples have discussed it but want to see how others feel about it. The fear is that if they speak of it in a positive or curious light, others will suspect they are swingers. My suggestion for these couples would be to investigate swinging on your own. Chances are your vanilla friends are not on the same page.

Until swinging becomes more mainstream, we will have to continue with our sarcastic comments and innuendos. When packed for a lifestyle cruise with a small carry on for one week at sea and someone asks, we will continue to say it’s a lifestyle cruise and we don’t need clothing. When coworkers ask what we did over the weekend we will keep on describing the orgies we participated in while listening to them snicker. We will keep on listening to friends tell us we need to get out more that our lives are so boring that if we were a tv show it would be canceled. When friends inform us that sex was meant to be fun when we were younger, we will remember to tell them that we had sex outside the front door last night because we couldn’t wait to get inside.

Although it can be difficult to keep such a large part of our lives a secret,  for most swingers, it must be done. Until society understands the lifestyle and accepts swinging, people run the risk of discrimination. Best to keep a sense of humor about it and feel sorry for those who are missing out. It stands to reason that it is just a matter of time before swinging becomes mainstream.

It could not be any easier to meet another swinger couple than this!

IMG_2925

We get a lot of emails from our customers, which we truly appreciate!  We obviously cannot publish every letter we receive but this couple asked us to share their story:

Hello Partners ID!

First of all I want to say that my wife and I have been fans of your company since we first heard about you.  As I am sure many others did when they learned of your company, we wondered why it took this long for someone to actually develop a symbol strictly for swingers.   It seems like a no-brainer yet nobody has ever done it before so, bravo to you!

We purchased a couple of necklaces a few months ago, which we love, and put them on our necks.   About 3 weeks after we started to wear them we were traveling to see my wife’s parents down south.  We do not like to stay with them so we checked into a hotel not far from where they live.  The first night we arrived late so we decided rather than disturbing them we would just grab a bite somewhere near the hotel and wait until morning to see them.   The concierge at the hotel recommended a bar within walking distance of the hotel, so off we went for dinner.

The place had a decent crowd so we figured the food must be good.  My wife and I waited at the bar for a table, and soon the hostess came to get us.  The hostess told us that it would be no problem to just put the bar tab on our food bill.  With that, we followed her to the table.   A few minutes after sitting down, the hostess came back to our table to inform us that a couple at the bar had paid our bar tab.  We were shocked because we did not know anyone there and we don’t live nearby.  She then pointed to an attractive couple sitting across the bar from where we were sitting.   The hostess then handed me a piece of a napkin which was folded in half.  The note was from the couple,  it read, “We love your necklaces.”

We couldn’t believe it!  WOW!  We waved them over to the table and the rest is history!  We had a wonderful night with them and have been in touch ever since.   They are planning to come and stay with us soon and we are really looking forward to that!

So again, Bravo!  Well done!  We really weren’t sure we would ever find someone with the jewelry but we did!  The funny thing is, the other couple did not have the jewelry but they knew what it was.  As you know, we just purchased 2 necklaces and are planning to surprise them with the jewelry when they come to visit.

Thank you again Partners ID!

David and Vicki

North Potomac, MD

Be sure to check out our lifestyle jewelry here:  https://www.swingersjewelry.net/jewelry-for-swingers/

If your spouse is cheating, does it mean they don’t love you?

As a swinger, when I spend time with my vanilla girlfriends, I am always paying close attention to what they say. I am especially tuned in to how they behave when somebody brings up the subject of sex.  Interestingly, the subject of sex generally comes up when someone talks about cheating.

My friends do not know that I am in the lifestyle so bringing up the subject of swinging is a very delicate matter. It is very rare that it comes up, but at our latest get together, I couldn’t resist.

The topic of conversation was infidelity. One of our mutual friends is in the process of divorce because she recently discovered that her husband was cheating on her. Almost all of the other women agreed that this would be grounds for divorce in their own marriages. They would not care if it was a one-time thing or a long-standing affair.  Cheating is something they all agree is unforgivable.

I listened to them rant about men being dogs and not being able to keep it in their pants, etc. I asked them if they really think it is only a male problem. While they all agreed that it is not, they all vehemently denied that they had ever cheated.  They also denied ever contemplating sleeping with a man other than their husband. These are women who are all over 40 years old!

I looked around at each one of them.  It was impossible to believe that they had never been attracted to another man since they had gotten married. “You mean to tell me that you have never fantasized about another man?” (I wanted to say or woman, but was too afraid to open that can of worms.)

Although most admitted that they had fantasized about men over the years, they denied ever considering acting on it. I asked them if they ever did act on it, did they think it would change the way they feel about their husbands?  Perhaps this would simply be a physical release?

I asked them to consider two questions:

Can a man have sex with another woman yet be in love with his wife?

Can a woman have sex with another man yet still love her husband?

Are sex and love mutually exclusive?

I could see the wheels turning while they considered that. Wouldn’t it simply be a physical act? The men you fantasize about, are you hoping to share your life with him or have a quickie? Is it possible that sex can be just a physical act with no love attached?

As the group fell silent in contemplation, I pushed on. What about swingers? I asked. From what I have read (I explained), they seem to be able to find the balance between their love for each other and having sex with others. Does this type of lifestyle possibly eliminate a need to cheat? I turned to the woman who is now in the process of divorce. Do you think perhaps if the two of you were in the lifestyle this would not be happening?

None of the women were open to the thought of swinging, as far as I could tell, but at least they were considering what I was saying. Does it make sense to break up marriages and families over a sexual encounter?

The women explained that it was less about sex and more about the betrayal of trust. So my next question was, “If your husband had told you he wanted to have sex with someone else, would you be open to it?” They all shook their heads no. Then I am confused. The anger stems from the trust issue, yet if their husbands were honest, it wouldn’t change anything. Seems to me like a no-win situation. Perhaps the thought process for someone who is looking for something different resorts to cheating because they might get away with it. If they cannot discuss this with their partner, they feel out of options.

This, sadly, seems to be a cornerstone of contemporary marriages. Fidelity sounds like a wonderful and romantic concept, but in the 21st century, it seems almost ridiculously outdated. That is not to say that there aren’t many couples out there who manage to remain married and faithful, but are they happy? Are they faithful by choice or out of fear of the repercussions?

I asked the women if they could honestly say that they believe their husbands have never thought about cheating (as they seemed to believe that they had not already done so). Most of the women said that their husbands had probably been attracted to another woman at some point and might have considered cheating. I asked what kept them from acting on it. The common response: my husband knows if I catch him cheating I will leave him. So women feel comfortable suppressing their husbands’ sexual desires by threatening them with consequences. Is this healthy? More importantly, is this really love?

Most swingers would agree that by allowing their spouses to be able to have sex with other women, on some level, we are expressing love. We are happy to see our husband happy. We understand that it is not realistic to be able to be the only person our significant other is ever attracted to or wants to have sex with. The same goes for women. If our husband allows us the opportunity to be with other men, why would we cheat? True love is so much deeper than sex and it is a shame that the concept seems to be lost on so many people.

There is no doubt that during this lunch date my friends were all eyeing me suspiciously. I clearly was not on the same page as they were with regard to sex and marriage. I do think, however, I was able to give my soon to be divorced friend something to think about. While I totally understand the importance of trust in a marriage, I also understand the importance of communication. If her husband had tried to express his desire to have sex with another woman, they would probably be in the same position they are now. She is angry and hurt because she cannot understand why she isn’t “enough” for him.

This is where swingers have a healthier perspective. Remember this popular saying?  Show me a beautiful woman and I will show you a man who is tired of having sex with her…
We can substitute man for woman and vice versa, but the meaning is the same. Humans are essentially not monogamist, and until we accept this, this conversation will go on indefinitely.

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Does one’s alter ego play a role in the lifestyle?

Librarian alter ego sexy woman

 

 

Perhaps swinging allows us to develop an alter ego…

After listening to the ever-entertaining podcast “Our Naughty Escapades” where Bob and Nicky introduce themselves by their real names, it made me think. While I have been listening to “Ben and Jen” for all this time, I wonder if these fake names allowed them to explore a riskier side of themselves.  Often times in swing clubs or lifestyle events people will wear wigs or other disguises hoping to avoid recognition.

So what is an alter ego exactly?  According to Dictionary.com https://www.dictionary.com/browse/alter-ego alter ego is defined like this:

1.  a second self; a perfect substitute or deputy
2.  an inseparable friend.
3.  another aspect of one’s self.

Entering the lifestyle can be daunting for most people.  It is a common fear for newbies that someone will recognize them.   The plan for most couples is the same: we will look around and if we spot people we know, we will leave.

But wait! If they are there too, why would they judge you for being there? They won’t, but that will not always help to ease the nervousness of couples who are coming in for the first time.

For this reason, some people like to try to change something about themselves so that others will not recognize them. Some women wear wigs, some people wear glasses and some simply change their name or profession.

While many people initially do this to avoid detection, they often discover that it is easier to act in a way they would not if they were not in disguise. Simply changing your name (which is so common) seems to allow people to feel free to explore.

Do these small, seemingly insignificant changes allow our alter egos to shine? Like Nicky said after revealing her real name, she misses naughty “Jen.” That’s because as “Jen,” she felt free to behave in a way that she does not yet feel comfortable acting as Nicky.

Alter egos are liberating! If we believe others cannot really see us as we truly are, perhaps we feel more confident.  It allows us to expose parts of ourselves that we might otherwise feel inclined to suppress or hide.

I can remember going out to a swing club for Halloween. We live close to the club, so we spend a fair amount of time there. This Halloween night, when both the girls at the front desk and the bartenders did not recognize me, something inside clicked. I walked around and realized that with a red wig on, I had become totally unrecognizable to people. It was so liberating to be able to act in a way that I otherwise would have felt too shy to do. I felt bolder and more open than I ever had before.

It was apparent that some people who tended to be shy, seemed to have found confidence by wearing a costume. It seemed to summon something inside them that did not usually come out.

The dance floor on Halloween was exceptionally crowded. People who are not usually on the dance floor were suddenly letting loose. The power of their costumes was startling.

For some people, simply entering the lifestyle creates an alter ego. By day, someone might be a teacher, a doctor or an accountant. By night, that same person lets loose and has sex with a group of total strangers. A religious individual who wears modest clothing during the day suddenly reinvents herself at night and wears mini skirts, skimpy tops and thigh high boots.

Alter egos are a healthy way to explore another side of oneself. It allows a person the freedom to behave in a way that would be impossible under normal circumstances. Imagine the slutty religious woman wearing her club clothing in her own community. Would never happen, and if it did, she would surely be shunned.

Do we all have a secret alter ego busting to be let out? A superhero begging to be unleashed? A slut living deep inside ourselves wishing to get out to explore her sexuality?

Whatever the answer is, the lifestyle is a wonderful place to probe this side of oneself. It is almost fantasy like to be able to be free to act in a way that your day to day self does not feel free to do. Try it!

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Can vanilla friendships survive when you enter the lifestyle?

We often hear people in the lifestyle say that over time their relationships with their vanilla friends have faded.  People who were close friends for years have slowly moved away from them.  Why does this happen?

Is it because our vanilla friends eventually discover what swingers are up to?  Perhaps it is the change couples in the lifestyle go through.  

My husband and I were having dinner with vanilla friends (yes, we were social distancing and eating outside), when a woman we have not seen in years walked by.  She stopped to greet us and continued on her way.  At first, my husband did not recognize her.  Without thinking, I mentioned that she was “that friendly unicorn that we used to see often.”  Before I could finish my sentence and say at the club, I realized who we were with and I stopped.  

All three of them were staring at me.  My husband, because he was afraid of what I was about to say, and my friends because they were curious.  

“Did you say a unicorn?”  My friend gave me a funny look.  I wanted to pretend I had just suffered a small stroke and  say I couldn’t imagine why I would have said that,  but that seemed too dramatic. Another idea was to say a word that sounds like unicorn but honestly, nothing came to mind.  So there I was, my mind racing to think of something to say to make this seem ok.  Finally, I just shrugged and said something about how she told us her daughter was into unicorns and it stuck.  Do I think my friend believed me?  Not a chance but that was my story and I was sticking with it.

We have all been there; having a perfectly acceptable evening with vanilla friends when you drop the h-bomb.  Or the u-word or that c-word.  You know which ones I’m referring to:  hotwife, unicorn, cuckold.  Yea, those words.  

We use these words all the time with our lifestyle friends and we never think twice about it.  It does however become a problem when you use them with vanilla friends.  

It was in the car after dinner that I told my husband how exhausting spending too much time with vanilla friends had become.  Having to think about every single thing before I say it was no longer simply challenging, it was getting on my nerves.  How is it possible that we consider these people such close friends when they know so little about us?  

Before the pandemic, we were too busy with lifestyle parties, swing clubs, and meet and greets to see our vanilla friends.  On occasion, we would ask to meet for dinner during the week, but they seemed offended that it was never on a weekend.  

Now that our weekends were free again, we did reach out to some vanilla friends that we had not seen in a while.  The time we spent was enjoyable but we were guarded.  They asked a lot of questions and sadly, we had prepared answers ahead of time, knowing what those questions would be.

As we left the restaurant, we both felt the strain of having to think about what they might ask ahead of time.  It made the evening less enjoyable because it was difficult to relax and be natural.  Is this what a night out with ‘friends’ should feel like?

When swingers spend a lot of time with other swingers, we learn to let down our guard.  We easily discuss sex and other topics that vanilla people find too personal to share.  It is this lack of transparency that creates a barrier in the friendship.  Lifestyle friendships become so intimate and deep that our vanilla relationships begin to feel shallow and forced. 

Although it is certainly possible to maintain vanilla friendships when you are in the lifestyle, many couples admit these relationships tend to fade away.  Once you experience the lifestyle and the friendships you make there, it is very hard to go back.  

Swingers: Why is it a secret that you are in the lifestyle?

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