We hear people taking jabs at swingers because they feel we are unfaithful to our partners. Of course, everyone in the lifestyle would vehemently disagree with this. To be unfaithful, (according to the dictionary means breaking trust) would mean that our partners are unaware of what we are doing, yet just the opposite is true. Not only are our partners ok with what we are doing, they are alongside us doing the very same thing! On the television show The Doctors this morning, there was a segment discussing fantasizing about others during sex ( a very short, somewhat vanilla segment). The interesting part was that they talked about how healthy it is for you to fantasize about being with someone else while making love to your partner. Really??!! If that is healthy for your relationship I am confused. I can’t speak for everyone in the lifestyle but I will say that I do not fantasize about having sex with someone else when I am with my partner. Before entering the lifestyle I did, but now that I am free to explore sex with other people, when I am with my partner, I am with my partner! According to the dictionary, fantasize means to dream about, imagine and wish for. I am not sure how comfortable I feel thinking about making love to my partner while he is ‘secretly’ wishing he was with someone else. The worst part is that I am not in on this little secret and I think his lust is directed towards me. This seems deceptive, no?
One of the most fascinating aspects of the lifestyle is it becomes a little like truth serum. When you are at an event or in a swing club it is normal for you or your partner to point someone out and express interest in that person. Before entering the lifestyle the thought of this would have made me insanely jealous. I thought I should be the only person my partner was ever interested in. I now realize that this is impossible and completely unrealistic. It is not normal to think you will stop finding other people attractive because you are married or in a committed relationship. We know that a very large percent of the married population is not faithful to their spouses (Ashley Madison certainly helped to confirm these numbers), but let us consider the number of people fantasizing about someone else when they make love to their partners. Everyone on the panel of the Doctors admitted that they do fantasize about others from time to time. That’s 100% of the panel of 6; I suspect that percentage is pretty close to the general population. They did note that although they fantasize about these other people, who included famous people and people from their everyday life, they do not wish to be with these people in real life. What a coincidence! Same thing with swingers! The philosophy that enables swingers to play with other people without jealousy is the realization that both you and your partner are looking for fun for the moment, not a relationship with someone you play with. If the vanilla world understood this philosophy perhaps they would not be so quick to judge. At least we are being honest with each other!
How often have you been out with vanilla friends and notice (sorry guys) the man looking at another woman while his wife is sitting next to him. She always sees him doing this even though he thinks he is being discreet. One of two things will happen at this point: she will pretend not to notice or she will comment on the fact that he was checking her out. Either way it is uncomfortable for everyone at the table because she is not happy. If the table is made up of strictly vanilla couples, the other woman will probably agree that the man was wrong to do this in front of his wife. If swingers are present at the table it can be a totally different experience. Chances are, both the man and the woman will turn to see the person and comment on whether they agree or disagree that she is attractive. Then it is over and they move on; no harm done, no arguing.
It would seem to me that the swingers are displaying a much more honest and civil relationship than the vanilla couples who spend their lives secretly wishing and fantasizing about other people. Just like anything else in life; when we are denied something it makes it that much more enticing. We dream of expensive cars or homes or vacations but once we have these things we discover they are not as special as we imagined they would be. Perhaps it is the same with having sex with someone other than your partner. Once you have the permission to go ahead, after you have played, you discover how much you enjoy your partner. You really can’t compare having sex with a stranger to making love with your partner. It’s really not the same because the intimacy is missing. Just my opinion…