If you are a swinger and you have young children, prepare yourself…
We were all packed and ready to head out on our first trip to a lifestyle resort. “Pack lightly,” my girlfriend had told me, “there’s no real need for clothing at this place.”
Well, I listened to her advice and as my husband and I said goodbye to the kids and thanked his parents for staying with them, his mother looked concerned. “Where are your suitcases?”
So this is the life of a swinger. Always being cornered with questions you would rather not have to answer.
Like the time at the airport, when my suitcase was buzzing loudly enough for people in close range to hear. “Oh, that’s just my electric toothbrush” I said with a laugh. My 9 year old daughter was quick to let everyone know, “Mom, you don’t have an electric toothbrush.” Kids!
Back in the day when we watched blue ray discs, naturally my husband stocked up on porn. He carefully took them out of the original packaging and put them into old empty cases with old tv shows and movie names on the cover. He’s so smart, right? We thought so until our son decided to borrow a few to bring to a sleepover party at his friend’s house. He was about 12 at the time. Although his friends were delighted with what he brought, the boy’s parents were not quite as happy.
Swingers tend to stay out late when they have an opportunity to swing. Getting dressed after drinking and having wild sex can be a bit of a challenge, especially for women when they wear complicated outfits. Things get put on inside out, upside down, buttons don’t match, panties are lost, etc. The other problem is that your hair and makeup are never the same afterwards. This should not be a big deal, after all, it is the middle of the night (or the early morning hours of the next day) and who is going to see you? Do you have children? They will see you! Trust me, no matter how late it is or how quiet you are, they will not only see you, but they will have questions.
Most swingers are smart enough to realize early on in the game how to outsmart these little kiddies. We put our slut wear and toys in a locked closet. We hide the key and treat that closet like Fort Knox. It is never opened when a child is present, no matter how young they might be. That key is never retrieved when a child is within 50 feet of the bedroom door. So why is it that the moment of truth must arrive when you are entertaining your parents and in laws? This is the typical moment that you realize you cannot outsmart your children. It occurs when your darling little angel appears in the living room wearing a school girl outfit clomping around in a pair of your hooker shoes.
How about the little cutie that runs to the door when it rings and stands innocently looking up at the UPS man while you are signing for a package. She reaches over and tugs the bottom of his pant leg. He bends down to greet her and she says, “My mommy has beautiful jewelry on her private parts. Do you?”
We have all heard about the dog who finds a condom under the couch and retrieves it at the most inopportune moment imaginable. How about when your son piles a handful of condoms that he has located in the cabinet underneath your husband’s sink in the bathroom into his toy truck. He is so proud to show your neighbor how he can open the back of the truck and dump the goods onto the floor. Your neighbor laughs lightly and looks at you wondering why on earth you and your husband need condoms.
One of my little angels had an assignment at school to draw a picture of her family. Everything was fine until I look at the shoes the mom is wearing. They were red and giant. I asked her what kind of shoes those were and she said, “Like the ones in the closet. You know mommy, that closet.”
We were having dinner at a restaurant for my husband’s birthday and it was taking a long time for the food to come out. My son was restless so I gave him my cellphone so he could play a game while we waited. Next thing I know he turns the phone around and says, “This lady has big boobies!” I forgot that on our trip we had taken some photos with friends while at the beach. She was totally nude so when he turned the phone around I heard my mother in law gasp. When I act like I can’t imagine where that photo came from my son was quick to tell everyone there are more pictures!
The moral of the story is, if you swing and you have children, you can prepare all you would like, but trust me, they will think of things that you don’t. They will find what you hide and they will share with others what they know. It’s the chance you take!
Key party? What on earth is a key party?!
Believe it or not, the subject of swinging was brought up recently by my mother; yes, my mother. The funny thing is, this isn’t the first time.
I can remember when I was in my late teens, we bumped into a woman who lived down the street. The woman kissed my mother on both cheeks (which I found very odd since this woman was born and raised in NY) and admonished my mother for not joining them at their last party. “We have been dying to get you and Dan to come to our parties! Trust me darling, you will love them!”
I thought it was odd that this woman spoke about parties as though they were a regular occurrence at her home and I thought it more odd that my parents were invited and were declining the invitation(s).
As we walked away I asked my mother why she didn’t want to go to this woman’s parties. She turned and looked at me as if to decide if I were old enough to hear her answer. Apparently she thought I was, so she told me that this woman and her husband were throwing key parties once a month at their home. Key parties? I searched my brain for a possible explanation for what a key party could possibly mean but I came up blank. I looked at her and shook my head to show her I had no idea what that meant.
“A key party is where you go to someone’s home and at the end of the night you all throw your house keys into a pile. Each woman picks a key and goes home to spend the night with the man who owns that house key.” I can remember trying to wrap my head around what she had just explained to me but there was no part of me that could make any sense of this. I had so many questions but I chose to continue with the most pressing:
“What if you pick a key and don’t the like the man it belongs to,” I asked. “Exactly the reason I would never want to participate in a key party” my mother explained.
So you randomly pick a key and that’s what decides who you go home with?!
That didn’t help my head to understand this whole thing. My mother’s answer confused me as much as her explanation of the party! I couldn’t help but think that she would be ok with the whole thing if she could choose the man with whom she would spend the night.
Is this what adults did? How come I had never heard about this before? Neighbors were sleeping with neighbors? The woman who was throwing these parties had a son who was a good friend of mine. Did he know about these parties? What did he think? Who else was going to these parties? I had so many questions! When I tried to bring up the subject of these alleged key parties of few days later with my mother, she simply said she was joking. She said that was what she had heard but didn’t really know if there was any truth to it. That was the last time we talked about it. Obviously, it was a conversation I never forgot.
Fast forward to yesterday. I am no longer in my late teens so perhaps now I am really old enough to hear the truth.
“Someone told your father that there is a whole group of younger people where we live that are swapping wives,” my mother reported. “Your father seemed shocked but I reminded him that way back when, everyone at our country club up north was doing the same thing.”
I asked if she was referring to those infamous key parties she had once mentioned. “Oh, no, this is something different. For years, many couples at the club were sleeping with each other. Everyone knew about it.”
Everyone but me…
Before I had the chance to ask, she named a few couples that did not surprise me to hear about, but did not include herself and my father. I didn’t ask and she didn’t say anything more. Although I can’t say for sure, I don’t think they were swingers. Maybe I am wrong, but since she knows a small bit about my lifestyle (kind of a don’t ask don’t tell type thing), she certainly knows I am open to swinging.
Does every adult get invited to a key party?
When I was newly married and had moved with my husband to a new state, I remember hearing about a key club in a nearby community. I was shocked to hear mention of this “key party” thing again. I was once again curious as to whether this was something common amongst married couples. Eventually, someone did approach us about attending one of their parties but we declined. When we had young children and were relatively newly married, it was as far off my radar as could be. I couldn’t in a million years imagine ever wanting any part of that.
Obviously, over time, we changed, but it was when the time was right for us. We also never took part in a “key party” for the same reason my mother claimed she did not. If I were going to play with someone else, I didn’t want to leave it to chance. I wanted to choose the person who would be good for me and I wanted to do it with my husband right there.
Maybe swinging is just not that uncommon…
The thing that interests me the most is not the history of the key party, but rather that they seem to be relatively common. When my mother mentioned this latest discovery about the young group where they live having sex with each other, my fist inclination was to say that it seems swinging is much more common than even I had realized. She looked at me funny and said, “Who said they are swingers?”
This always brings me back to the same question: Are married people having sex with friends but not referring to this as swinging? Are “key parties” not swinger parties? In my book, married couples who are having sex with other married couples are swingers. From what I am realizing, it is actually very common and it seems to be very wide spread.
It seems people don’t like to be labeled. This is not something new either. Perhaps if we found another way to refer to swingers more people would want in. Maybe we can just call swingers fun couples. I would bet that if that was the term to replace swingers, more people would admit to their open minded ways. After all, who doesn’t want to be a fun couple?