Love does play a role in swinging but not in the way people might imagine.

Couple in love wearing Partners ID jewelry
Couple in love wearing Partners ID jewelry

When we think about swinging, we do not think about love. The purpose of swinging is to have fun. To find another couple or a single man or woman to fulfill a fantasy. Sex is a physical act and does not require love to participate. Swinging equates to sex without love whereas a marriage incorporates love and sex.

To people who are not in the lifestyle, it is a very difficult concept for them to grasp. They frequently ask if couples in the lifestyle if they are afraid that their partner could fall in love with someone else. Sure, anything is possible, but you do not have to be a swinger to be at risk of falling in love with someone else.

Swinging has nothing to do with love. Swingers do not seek out the lifestyle to find a partner to share their life with. Single swingers might be looking for someone who shares their lifestyle views but couples are not there for this reason.

Vanilla couples cannot understand how swingers do not get jealous when they see their partner with someone else but it always reminds me of something from the Bible. The following is a part of the passage, not the entire thing: (I am not religious, or Catholic, but this always comes to mind):

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy, it does not put on airs, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. So Faith, Hope and Love abide these three; But the Greatest of these is Love.”

In my opinion, the only role love plays in swinging, is between the couple that decides together that they would like to explore the  lifestyle.  You love your partner enough to give them the freedom to partake in things they otherwise could not, and you find joy in seeing them enjoy those things.  You have faith in your partner; you allow them to play because you are sure they will come back to you.   You are able to express love for each other by forging your own path.  You do not allow others to dictate to you what is normal.  Although society equates love with monogamy, you choose to define love your own way and you know the love between you and your partner is mutually exclusive.  You hope that your love is forever and that these experiences will only enrich your lives.

There is no love between couples that play but there can be infatuation or lust.  How can you love someone that you don’t really know?  The person who shows up at parties or swing clubs or on vacations or cruises allows you to see only a small part of who they are.  The real person is the one who has to get up for work in the mornings; the person who has to clean up after their children or their dog.  The true person is not always dancing and having fun but paying bills and dealing with stress.  Until you know that person, how can you really know that you love them?

The part of swinging that makes it so enjoyable is that we get to dress up, have a few drinks, dance or socialize then move onto the swinging aspect.  Spending an evening with swingers is like going out on New Year’s Eve.  It’s always a big party, but is that real life?  It is an awful lot of fun and the environment lends itself to getting hot for other people, but that is the whole point.  We go into swing clubs looking for others to spend a few hours with but not our lives.

If people in the lifestyle were not able to separate sex and love, swinging could not exist.  It is the rare couple who can find that delicate balance and make it work.  If couples were constantly falling in love with each other, swing clubs would be empty.  Who would want to risk their relationship for an evening of fun?
The most important thing is to keep perspective.  Having sex with someone else is just for a moment of pleasure, whereas being in a committed relationship is hopefully for a lifetime.

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Swingers are not the only people hanging around at swing clubs.

Swingers talking to vanilla girl, both wearing Partners ID jewelry
Swinger friends talking to vanilla girl, both wearing Partners ID jewelry

Swing clubs have changed dramatically over the years

Many years ago, when the baby boomers made up the majority of swingers, swinging was much less complicated. When people showed up at a swing club, you knew they had to do their homework to even find the place! Before the internet, finding other swingers, or a place to swing, was much more difficult. If you didn’t find it in a magazine or hear it by word of mouth, there was really no other way to know about it.

Besides being difficult to find, swing clubs were illegal and visiting one was risky, people never knew which night the club could be raided by police and they would all be arrested. Curiosity seekers were not going to chance checking out a swing club. The only customers swing clubs were seeing were hard core swingers. It created a cohesive group of swingers who were there for one reason, and that was to swing.

What we see in swing clubs today is nothing like the swing clubs of the past. Today, when you are in a swing club, some people are there to swing and some people are not. It seems that at the more popular swing clubs, as much as 40% of the people in the clubs are not swingers at all.

Why go to a swing club if you are not a swinger?

Swing clubs have become hip places to go. Years ago, strip clubs fell into favor with couples who were looking to shake things up. It was risqué to tell your friends that you had been in a strip club. With the exposure that swing clubs have gotten over the past few years, they have taken over as the new racy spot to be seen. It’s not uncommon to see people whip out a camera and start taking pictures under the sign for the club outside and then again upfront inside the club. Years ago, if you even took out your phone, you would be asked to put it away for fear that you might capture someone in a picture.

What does a non swinger do in a swing club?

For people who are not familiar with a swing club, many of them are as beautiful as any big city night club. Although they require a membership plus an entrance fee, once you are inside, in most clubs, everything else is on the house. You bring your own liquor so you are not paying through the nose for your drinks, mixers and sodas are available free and most clubs have dinner, and some even have breakfast. There is always a dj and the dance floors usually have very updated lighting and special effects. They show music videos and porn on big screens around the clubs.

As for the backroom or playroom, most couples who are not swingers remain up front for the duration of their night. Just like any other club, they dance, drink and socialize. When they are ready to leave, they head out of the club. For the couples who are curious, they tend to sit and watch others playing in the back or walk around to see what it’s all about. Not surprisingly, swingers do not appreciate seeing them in the play area. Even for couples who are exhibitionists, non swingers are not a welcome sight and are easy to spot.

How can you tell who the swingers are?

The first part of the equation is to filter out the swingers from the others. Even seasoned swingers have trouble distinguishing between the two. Most couples who enjoy swing clubs are very social. They like the atmosphere and easily assimilate socially in the front of the club. What they don’t realize, is that swingers are there to swing, not to entertain curiosity seekers. Once swingers have come to the realization that you are not there to swing, most will simply say hello and avoid you.

Let us not confuse newbies with vanilla people. Newbies are welcome at any club as everyone at one time was in their situation. Besides, they are people who want to swing, vanilla people do not. They are strictly looking to be part of the scene. They like the environment and the energy of a swing club. More often than not, vanilla people will come to a club as a group. They are not looking to meet other couples as they are not swingers. Those who do come alone (as a couple), might try to socialize but when another couple realizes they do not swing, the swingers will move on.

Swingers are not opposed to couples who come to swing clubs and strictly play with each other. Some couples are exhibitionists and enjoy when others watch them. Swing clubs are an acceptable place for couples like this. Swing clubs, however, are not a place for curiosity seekers to visit or frequent.

For vanilla couples who enjoy the sexually charged environment of a swing club, a strip club might be a better alternative. These establishments are more suited for their desire to watch others while not engaging.

Why private parties have fallen into favor with swingers.

Years ago, if swingers were looking to swing, they went to a swing club. It was rare that people would host private swinger parties in their home. Most people did not want to host a party where people would have sex all over their house and they would be left to clean up the condoms the next morning.

Since swing clubs have become more diluted and the percentage of swingers in any swing club has declined dramatically, private parties have become more popular. Swingers now choose to host events where the only requirement of the attendees is to swing. A private invite only party is the only way to ensure that the group will consist strictly of swingers. Someone at a party we attended recently said, “Wouldn’t it be great if someone opened a club for swingers so we wouldn’t have to keep planning private parties?” Sad, but true, swing clubs that are strictly for swingers, no longer exists. Even a private club that requires a membership is not a sacred swinger place any more.

Vanilla couples who read this might think swingers are snobs for the way that they feel but let us look at this in another way. If swing clubs did not exist and swingers were forced to meet at regular clubs, how would the vanilla population respond? “Get a room” would probably be a common phrase thrown at couples who display any public affection. Straight people do not have a lot of tolerance for swingers and are the first to admit they do not approve of this lifestyle.

Let’s look at this way…

How about if people who do not gamble hang out in casinos. They sit at the blackjack table or crowd around a craps table and watch. The people gambling would be forced to maneuver around them to do what they came for, which is gamble.

Have you ever gone into Starbucks to have a cup of coffee with a friend but there are no empty seats. There are many people sitting on computers at tables but many are not even drinking coffee. I imagine most people are frustrated by this and wonder why they are there if not to drink coffee.

This very same principle applies to swingers. If you are not a swinger, why are you hanging around a swing club? The truth is, swingers are in a swing club to meet other swingers, period. It is not that we are snobs or unfriendly or don’t like to meet others. It is actually the exact opposite. Swingers are going to swing clubs to meet other swingers. If we were looking to spend time with or meet vanilla people, there are endless other places we would be, but the one place we would not be, is in a swing club.

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Condoms: are they a must when swinging or are some playing bareback?

Questioning whether couples must wear condoms: Woman thumbs up, man thumbs down. Both wearing Partners ID jewelry.
Questioning whether couples must wear condoms: Woman thumbs up, man thumbs down. Both wearing Partners ID jewelry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Condoms are not a new invention.  They have been around for a long time and most people over the age of 13 are pretty aware of their existance.  What many people do not know, is that the only condoms which protect against STDs are made of latex or plastic.  Lambskin and other animal products do not protect you from STDs, only pregnancy.  Surprisingly, many people only associate condoms with being a form of birth control, yet they are equally as important in protecting men and women from contracting sexually transmitted diseases.   With such easy access to condoms you would expect that everyone who is not in a comitted relationship would use them when having sex.  Apparently this is not the case for many people, both young and old.

We all know that swingers are open to having sex with people outside of their core relationships.  They frequently swap with other couples or find single men or women to join them for threesomes (or more).  Often times, people who swing, have sex with complete strangers or people they don’t know very well.  There are some swingers who prefer to play only with people they are very friendly with or have known for a long time.

My question is:  do we know anyone well enough to honestly know whether or not they might have a STD or worse?  Even if they tell you they are clean, does this mean that they are?  How about if they get tested once a year and show you their test results?  Does this mean that one month later, they are still STD free?  Who could possibly know this?

So we all know that it is honestly not possible to know for sure that someone is disease free even after they have been tested if they have played only one time.  That’s all it takes, one time to become infected with something.  This would make one think that with this kind of risk, condoms would be the rule, right?   Apparently this is not the case.

Recently on Facebook, someone tossed out a question for others to respond to.  The question was “condoms or not?” This person is a facebook friend of mine and the facebooker in question is in the lifestyle.  I was planning to ignore the question and continue scrolling down my page when I noticed there were 54 comments.  Really?  54 people needed to have the same response?  I scrolled back up to glance at the first few and to my absolute shock, the answers were as diverse as a bipartisan discussion about gun control!   It seems to me that when we stopped being bombarded with news regarding AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases, people slowly went back to old habits thinking that these diseases were a problem of the past.

People were very passionate about their answers but clearly there was a huge divide.  Really?  In 2017 we are still questioning whether or not we must use protection when having sex with strangers?!  Oddly enough, some of their reasons for not using condoms made sense in the context in which they presented their arguments.  It stands to reason, they explained, that if you are comfortable enough doing everything but having intercourse with someone without protection, why draw the line there?  It’s not a crazy argument.  People will go down on girls and give guys a blow job without considering the need for protection.  They lick each other and kiss each other and touch each other with no problem.  I’ve seen guys cum in girls mouthes and girls cum in guys mouthes and honestly, you know what?  That’s not much safer, STDs can still be transmitted orally, it’s just not as risky.
Personally, I will not have sex with a friend or a stranger without a condom, but now I understand why, more often than not, I have to prompt the guy I am with to wear a condom.  It always surprises me that men would want to have sex without a condom.  Some of these men have never met me before so why would they just assume it’s safe?  Especially in the lifestyle, where people are frequently having sex with different people.  Why would you feel confident about them being free of diseases?
It could be part of the culture of people who are drawn to the lifestyle.  By nature, most swingers are risk takers.  Many ride motorcycles, some experiment with drugs, drive fast cars and are in occupations such as firefighters, EMTs, doctors, lawyers, stock brokers, etc.  Many are self proclaimed adrenalin junkies.  This makes it easier to understand why swingers might be more inclined to take risks.
Although there are swingers who are hoping to play “bareback”, not every swinger is willing to play without a condom.  Personally, in my own experience, more often than not, swingers are not willing to have intercourse without a condom.  The majority of swingers I have come across carry a bag with condoms when they enter the playroom and insist that everyone they play with use a condom and change them if they switch partners.
 I always imagined everyone in the lifestyle would be on the same page.  At least  my husband agrees with me, no condom, no sex.  For us, that will never change…
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Lifestyle jewelry makes it so easy to find other swingers; just ask this bartender!

Handsome bartender wearing Partners ID bracelet
Handsome bartender wearing Partners ID bracelet

 

 

Dear Partners ID,

I’m not much of a letter writer but after reading some of the other letters people sent about how they met others because of your jewelry I figured I’d give it a shot.

I am a 38 year old single man and I used to swing with my long term girlfriend. We live pretty close to a swing club and we used to spend a lot of time there. After we broke up I was not comfortable going alone so I have pretty much been out of the lifestyle since our breakup last year.

I do have a profile on Kasidie but single guys have a hard time simply because of the sheer number of them. When I meet women and try to talk about the lifestyle, it doesn’t go over very well.

I took a vacation a few months ago to Desire (brought a girl I was seeing, very bad idea), and discovered your jewelry. I had actually heard about it but didn’t realize that I was the perfect candidate to wear it. I saw quite a few people wearing it and decided to buy a bracelet. I like it a lot and whenever I have worn it I get a lot of compliments on it.

I work in a very busy bar in downtown Houston. The bar is a hangout for locals and on the weekends packs a big crowd. Last Thursday night I was working and two couples were doing shots of whiskey when one of the women asked to see my bracelet. As I turned my wrist to give her a closer look she slipped a card in my hand. It was a personal card with their SDC screen name and your logo! I laughed and she told me they were having a house party the following weekend and wanted me to come.

It was that simple! I couldn’t believe how easy that was. After all this time of looking and trying to find a way to get back into the lifestyle! Needless to say I am going to this party and just wanted to thank you!

Happy Holidays!

AJ

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